TITLE NOT CURRENTLY AVAILABLE - With Friends Like These

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ACT ONE - SCENE ONE

CAFE. NIGHT.

Alex rushes into cafe, sees Mandy at a table with her laptop and
latte and hurries to the table.

ALEX: I just killed Mickie Rooney.

Beat

MANDY: The actor?

ALEX: Yes.

MANDY: Isn't he dead?

ALEX (EMPHATICALLY): Yes!

MANDY: No. I mean, isn't he dead already?

ALEX: Not as far as I know.

MANDY: I don't understand

ALEX: Neither do I. Life is so fucking random.

MANDY: No. I mean, I don't understand what you're saying.

ALEX: What part of "I just killed Mickey Rooney" are you having
trouble assimilating?

MANDY: Well…Okay, why did you kill Mickey Rooney? New Bowery Boy
concept…with a twist?

ALEX: Do not make fun of the deceased.

MANDY: Sorry. I just never knew you felt such animosity for the man.

ALEX: I don't

MANDY: Then why, pray tell, did you "off" him?

ALEX: It wasn't on purpose.

MANDY: You accidentally killed Mickey Rooney? I'm sorry. But it
seems like it would take a very concerted effort to take out a man of
his…stature.

ALEX: Don't make fun of the dead. He may have been small. But he
was a…giant on the inside.

MANDY: O.K. So what happened?

ALEX: Well, I was leaving the Vig and the valet pulled up my car. I
got in and he had turned it off for some reason…Oh my god, it was a
hit. The valet wanted me to kill Mickey Rooney. This was totally
fucking premeditated. Oh my god…I was merely a pawn in some lone
psycho's Machievellian plot to snuff out the life of an American
Idol.

MANDY: Mickey Rooney was an American Idol?

ALEX: Not that American Idol, you idiot. A real American idol…a
cultural icon…societal hero…

Anyway, there was this very small, red-haired man standing in front
of my car. And he was talking, rather animatedly, to an excessively
tall man. And I remember noticing them and thinking how difficult it
must be for the tall man to hear anything the small man was saying. I
mean, there was so much noise, and the traffic…

I wanted to honk, to get their attention,. You know,not a haulting
kind of honk, but a short, dot-dot-dot kind of honk, like an s.o.s.
signal.

(She mimes hitting the horn and makes the sound of three brief
honks).

I didn't want to frighten anybody. I just wanted to pull away. But
instead, I turned on the car, thinking it was in neutral, because I
always leave it in neutral. I mean, who doesn't leave a manual
transmission vehicle in neutral when they turn it off? That's
just…reckless.

MANDY: But how did you know it was Mickey Rooney?

ALEX: Well, as I turned on the car, it lurched forward, like a
leopard leaping out unexpectantly to pounce on its prey. The valet
left the car in first gear. I imediately threw the car into neutral. But it
was too late. The small man was down. The tall man was staring at
me incredulously. And everyone around started pointing and whispering.
It was horrible.

MANDY: So you got out of the car, hoping to provide CPR or assisted
breathing, or whatever, and that's when you saw it was Mickey Rooney?

ALEX: No. I backed up a bit, and pulled around the crowd which had
gathered by Mickey and…then…I drove away.

MANDY: You're kidding, right? You drove away?

ALEX: I know. Isn't it sickening. What kind of person have I become?

MANDY: Did they get your license plate? I mean, are they gonna come
after you?

ALEX: I don't know. I imagine they are. There goes the rest of my
life.

MANDY: But…but…I'm sorry. I'm still unclear about the whole
Mickey Rooney component. Why was Mickey Rooney at the Vig at 16th St.
and Bethany?

ALEX: Well, considering it's eight o'clock, I suspect he was
having dinner…or just had dinner…Oh my god, his last supper.

MANDY: Will you stop. Maybe you killed somebody else. How can you be
so sure it was Mickey Rooney?

ALEX: Did you read the Arts section in today's Republic? Mickey
Rooney is here. He's playing Harry the Horse in a revival of "Guys
and Dolls" at Gammage.

MANDY: My god, that's…amazing. He must be…close to a hundred. I
wonder how he remembers all those lines.

ALEX: Apparently not too well, according to the article. They also
alluded to some internal cast turmoil. Boy, that's hard to say.
Internal cast turmoil. Anyway, they said several times that Mickey
was more than a little difficult to work with. And I guess the guy playing
Nathan Detroit, who is a bit of a local star, does not take well to having
to bask in the glow of Mickey's tar status. Wait a minute. Maybe that's it.

MANDY: Maybe that's what?

ALEX: It's all beginning to make sense.

MANDY: Maybe to you.

ALEX: All I have to do is find the connection between Nathan Detroit
and the valet at the Vig. Then I can clear my name, prove my innocence…

MANDY: I'm not really following.

ALEX: The valet,...his name was…Dave. No…Greg…Oh shit. It was
on his shirt. I can almost see it.

Okay, you need to go to the Vig and valet your car. Find out who was
working tonight when the hit went down?

MANDY: The hit?

ALEX: Yes. Have you not heard everything I just said?

MANDY: You know what, something is seriously wrong with you.

ALEX: Oh, forget it. I'll do it myself.

(Alex whips out her cell phone and dials 411)

Yes, I'd like the number for the Vig restaurant on 16th street in
Phoenix. (she writes down the number.) Thank you.

She dials and then speaks in a strange foreign accent to disguise her
voice.

Yes, Hullo. I em culling fer Master Mickey Rooney. I vas wondering if
you saw him dining in yer establishment tonight?
Mickey Rooney…ze actor…No, he is not dead! (then to herself)
Well, he wasn't before tonight….Um…yes, he had dinner
there…and…he lost his vallet…outside by the valet

(Her accent continually changes throughout this conversation.)

Could you just tell me ze name of ze valet who is vorking tonight?
Vell…zis is very important!

MANDY: Ask if he's alright?

ALEX (TO MANDY, COVERING PHONE WITH HAND): Wouldn't I already know
that?

MANDY: But maybe he just popped up after you hit him, said a few
choice words and then went on his merry way.

ALEX: Mandy, the man was struck unconscious by 4000 pounds of SUV. I
reallly don't think he just popped back up like one of those Bozo
inflatable Bop Bags.

(Then back to the phone in yet another accent)

Yes. I'm still here. His name was…Alouishas? Really? Oh, OK.
Thank you.

(She hangs up.)

MANDY: What are you gonna do?

ALEX: I'm gonna find the link between Nathan Detroit and Alouishas
the valet.

(Alex races over to doorway where stacks of read and returned
newspapers lay. She grabs a bunch and returns to the table. She pushes
a few papers over to Mandy.)

Here, look for the Arts section…anything about theatre. There's
gotta be a review or something in one of these. We have to find
Nathan's real name.

MANDY:Then what?

ALEX: My god, can you just live in the moment for one nanosecond. I
don't know then what.

(Silence as both women peruse the papers, discarding the rejects as
they go. Alex searches with determination, while Mandy is clearly not
100% on board.)

MANDY: Oh cool, the New York Times crossword puzzle…and it's
Monday. I might actually be able to do it.

(Alex shoots her a disapproving glare)

ALEX:Do you mind?

MANDY:Sorry.

(She stashes the puzzle and continues to search for the Arts section.)

Ah ha! Found it. (She begins to read to herself) Wow, you're right.
There's definitely trouble in paradise. (She then reads aloud),
"...Nathan Detroit, played by Harrison Hathaway…" that cannot be
his real name, can it? Harrison Hathaway? How totally affected.

(Alex gives her a look.)

MANDY: Sorry…“played by Harrison Hathaway, has loudly voiced his
displeasure at having to stand in the shadows of his world famous
co-star…"

ALEX: O.K., Harrison Hathaway, we are so on your tail.

Alex gathers her stuff and stands up

[end of extract]

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