Under the Hood by Michael Heintzman

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This Play is the copyright of the Author and may not be performed, copied or sold without the Author's prior consent

Characters ...

Hansen
Fifties. Stepfather to Eddie. He is an alcoholic bully.

Delrae
Early fifties. Stepmother to Eddie. She is simple and good.

Eddie
Ages sixteen to forty. Eddie is without direction.

Amy
Ages sixteen to forty. A natural beauty. Strong and willful, she is
Eddie's best friend and true love.

Beverly
Ages twenty to forty. Beverly looks forty at twenty. Her dream is to
be a mother.

Will
Eighteen. A born caretaker.

Bob
Eighteen. Full of myth.
Bob can be played by the actress playing Delrae.

Scene 11
(Gas pump reads: $1.54/gallon)
(The Miniature Chrysler swerves from
the CAR LOT to the HILL.)
(A dirt road ends abruptly on the edge
of a hill. Beverly and Eddie are heard
offstage.)
BEVERLY (O.S.)
Where should I steer?
EDDIE (O.S.)
Off the road.
BEVERLY (O.S.)
I don't want to roll off the hill.
EDDIE (O.S.)
Bev, she weighs three tons. Just point it to the
side of the goddamn road.
BEVERLY (O.S.)
Don't curse at me!
(The front end of Gloria is pushed on
as Beverly walks beside the car,
steering the old girl. Eddie enters
holding his leg.)
EDDIE
Goddamn, I think my hamstring snapped.
BEVERLY
You should put ice on it.
(Eddie stares at her.)
BEVERLY
(continuing)
If we had ice.
(Eddie stands on the hill.)
EDDIE
Long drop off this thing.
BEVERLY
You know this place?
EDDIE
Every high school kid in town knows this hill. They
still have parties out here.
(Eddie grabs a toolbox from the
backseat.)
BEVERLY
The car smells.
EDDIE
Her name is Gloria.
BEVERLY
Well Gloria smells like something died in her.
EDDIE
I took Hansen to the clinic yesterday.
BEVERLY
That's why.
EDDIE
He's dying.
BEVERLY
I wish he'd hurry.
EDDIE
He likes you too.
BEVERLY
You need to get rid of this vehicle, it is junk.
EDDIE
Don't say that to her!
BEVERLY
She's thirty years old.
(Eddie checks under the hood.)
EDDIE
(Re: Gloria)
It's a spark plug honey.
BEVERLY
Be nice if you spoke to me that way.
EDDIE
If you were thirty years old and gave me five
thousand miles without maintenance, I would.
(Beverly sits in the backseat.)
BEVERLY
Why don't you bring your wrench back here.
EDDIE
This is a treat to check under the ole girl's hood.
BEVERLY
I forgot how big it is in the backseat. Like a
studio apartment. Maybe there's a blanket somewhere
in the car. We could pretend we're camping.
EDDIE
Right, you camping? That's funny Bev.
BEVERLY
Oh look a blanket!
(Beverly pulls a blanket from under the
seat.)
EDDIE
How did that get back there?
BEVERLY
In case of an emergency.
EDDIE
What kind of emergency?
BEVERLY
Don't you need blankets in case of shock or when you
are feeling a certain way with another person?
(Eddie stops working.)
EDDIE
What are you talking about?
BEVERLY
Edward, come here.
EDDIE
You…you're talking weird Bev.
BEVERLY
Why am I speaking “weird?”
EDDIE
“Feeling a certain way with a person?”
BEVERLY
Can't a wife speak intimately with her husband?
EDDIE
Beverly? Are you flirting?
BEVERLY
You make it sound as though I've never flirted with
you.
EDDIE
This is the first flirt.
BEVERLY
How do you think we began our courtship?
EDDIE
Flirtless.
BEVERLY
You want to know what I'm wearing under my skirt?
EDDIE
Underpants I hope.
BEVERLY
Get back here Edward, right now.
EDDIE
What if someone drives by?
BEVERLY
The excitement of getting caught can be titillating.
EDDIE
Only if you're not my wife.
BEVERLY
Pretend that I'm not.
EDDIE
You're ovulating aren't you?!
BEVERLY
What if I am?
EDDIE
No, no, no, no!
BEVERLY
Edward come here, let's talk about this.
EDDIE
I'm not having a baby.
BEVERLY
We have discussed this many times.
EDDIE
You've discussed it.
BEVERLY
I want a child of my own.
EDDIE
What about Will? He's your son.
BEVERLY
I want another child before it's too late.
EDDIE
I can't do it Bev, I can't.
BEVERLY
Stop being dramatic. I only want your sperm.
EDDIE
I need time to think.
BEVERLY
I'll give you six minutes.
EDDIE
The Prozac makes it difficult.
BEVERLY
Stop it. We need to make love at some point. It's
been some time since the last event.
EDDIE
Reagan's second term.
BEVERLY
I'll do all the work.
EDDIE
Never gonna happen Beverly. Never.
BEVERLY
You aren't listening.
EDDIE
I am, no baby.
BEVERLY
Oh my, is Edward Hansen standing up for himself.
EDDIE
It would be my child.
BEVERLY
To be honest Edward, it would be mine and you'd be
the resident babysitter, the same as you were for
Will.
EDDIE
Why did you leave him in my backseat?
BEVERLY
What are you babbling about?
EDDIE
Did you tell me the truth about Amy and Nick Welley?
BEVERLY
Oh good God.
EDDIE
Did you?
BEVERLY
We've discussed this time and time again. She was
the town pump Edward.
EDDIE
She told me I'm no better than my real mother.
BEVERLY
Pull down your pants. Time is of the essence.
(She gets out of the car and pulls his
pants to his knees.)
BEVERLY
(continuing)
All you have to do is get me pregnant and then you
can drive around in your Gloria, sleep anywhere you
want, sleep under the bed, I don't care. You can
even run back to your high school slut. Lift please!
(She takes his shoes off.)
EDDIE
You can't go back. It's all gone.
BEVERLY
(To herself)
I should check my temperature.
(Beverly takes her bag from the car and
searches for her thermometer.)
(With his trousers at his knees, Eddie
shuffles to the driver's seat and turns
the ignition. Gloria starts up.)
BEVERLY
(continuing)
Edward, have you been rummmaging around this bag?
EDDIE
I took the dog to the vet last week and I walked out
of the place without her, forgot her in the office.
I got about twenty minutes away and I realized she
wasn't in the car. I pulled over and this van
passes and she's sitting in the back window with
this little boy. She looked content, she was fine.
Took her ten minutes to adapt to a new life.
Everyone adjusts, not me.
BEVERLY
(Beverly checks her watch)
It's time Ed. Get an erection.
EDDIE
It makes it easier if you know who you are in the
beginning.
BEVERLY
I can't do this myself. Do you want to look at my
breasts to help you along?
EDDIE
I have to ask the guy in the mirror if it's okay to
shave his face.
BEVERLY
Get out of the car Edward!
EDDIE
Good bye Bev.
BEVERLY
Where are you going?
EDDIE
To hell if they'll have me.

(Eddie shifts into reverse and Gloria
rolls backward. We hear a scream and
the sound of crashing metal.)

(Blackout.)

[end of extract]

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