Twas The Night Before A Christmas Carol by Timothy Quigley
Cast of Characters for Act I
Nicholas Farnsworth Butler, crusty
Kathleen Quinn Irish nanny, quick wit
Charles Dickens
Catherine Dickens the wife of Charles
Charley Dickens teen, the eldest child
Mary Dickens teen, the second eldest
Walter Dickens boy, third eldest
Katey Dickens young girl
Lady Caroler #1
Lady Caroler #2
Lady Caroler #3
Lady Caroler #4
All characters in the family's rendition of A Christmas Carol will
be doubles from the above cast. The carolers from Act I will play the
Lady's 1 4 in Act II.
ACT I
Scene 1
'Twas the Night Before A Christmas Carol takes us back to the
kitchen of Charles Dickens at Devonshire Terrace on Christmas Eve in
1842.
Nicholas is busily walking about doing a little of this and that, all the while
mumbling intermittently audibly and semi-audibly.
NICHOLAS
(mumbling to himself or a higher power) Bloody thanks I gets ...
work all the live long day and night ...thinks he is lord and master
... tighter than my grandmother's corset ... servant's quarters,
Ha! ...need to feed the bloody horses. (softer mumbling)
CAROLERS
(start singing a Christmas song off-stage behind the kitchen door)
NICHOLAS
What are they doing here at this time of day? And at the servant's
door no less. (tries to ignore them, but they sing louder) (he finally
opens the door trying to shoo them away but they barge in anyway and
he is resigned to listen to he rest of the song) (after they finish)
Very well then, very nice, see you next year.
LADY #1
May we sing a song for the children?
NICHOLAS
If they were here, I suppose there would be no way to prevent it.
LADY #2
When will the children
LADY #3
And Mr. Dickens
LADY #4
Return home.
NICHOLAS
Likely just in time for supper, then off to bed.
LADY #4
But, it is Christmas Eve!
NICHOLAS
So it is. Good evening ladies.
LADY #1
We may well return in any case.
NICHOLAS
Should you return, madam, please use the main door to the estate.
This is the servant's entrance.
LADY #2
(to the other ladies)
Should we tell him that Mr. Dickens requested a song at this door?
LADY #3
He wanted to put some Christmas spirit into his butler's outlook.
LADY #4
He needs it.
CAROLERS
(ad lib) Good day. Merry Christmas, etc. (they exit)
NICHOLAS
It is a miracle I get any work done here at all with these
interruptions.
(A polite knock at the servant's entrance door)
NICHOLAS
Now what? All the deliveries have been made. Likely some poor wench
looking for handout from the kitchen of the oh so generous house of
Charles Dickens. (he flings the door open, where Kathleen is standing
in the doorway) Go away! Cant you see I am engaged at the moment?
There are no scraps today ... who are you?
KATHLEEN
(strides in wearing a coat, hat &gloves)
Well, I am the new governess, Kathleen Quinn.
NICHOLAS
Good God, you're Irish!
KATHLEEN
Oh, you English are keen observers you are.
NICHOLAS
Irish with a quick tongue I see.
KATHLEEN
I hope you will be as quick with my luggage.
(hands him her coat)
NICHOLAS
Quick with your luggage? I am head of the staff at Devonshire
Terrace, Nicholas Farnsworth. You'll carry your own luggage if you
please. (hands her coat back to her)
KATHLEEN
There's no boy? No porter?
NICHOLAS
Well, he is taking a short respite at the moment.
(Kathleen exits and returns with one very small bag)
NICHOLAS
That is all your earthly belongings?
KATHLEEN
It t'is.
NICHOLAS
(rolls his eyes and begins to study the list posted on the wall)
(mumbles again, ad lib)
KATHLEEN
(looking around the kitchen) And where might the children's rooms
be? And, what is that list you seem to be trying to memorize?
NICHOLAS
Upstairs, the four rooms to the right. And, this is the servant's
schedule. (he begins to change into the gardening smock which was
hanging on a hook)
KATHLEEN
I would like to meet the rest of the staff and of course be
introduced to the children and Mr. and Mrs. Dickens.
NICHOLAS
Well, you've met the staff, and the family is on a shopping
excursion. The coachman needs to leave in an hour to pick them up.
KATHLEEN
What do you mean I have already met the staff? And, if so, when did
I meet them? And, why are you putting on farming clothes.
NICHOLAS
This is the proper attire for the gardener. ... We are the staff -
you and I.
KATHLEEN
English humor. Charmin'.
NICHOLAS
And, after removing the snow from the pathway and feeding the
horses, I will change into the coachman's uniform (points to clothes
rack), hitch the team and fetch his lord and master, Charles Dickens
and family. This is my doorman's uniform for when we receive guests.
This, of course, is my butler's uniform (points to what he has on)
for serving dinner, drinks by the fire and the like.
KATHLEEN
I was told by the agency that I would be the governess!
NICHOLAS
And so you shall, indeed. (points to the clothes rack) This is your
governess smock.
KATHLEEN
And, those other female uniforms?
NICHOLAS
Not for me I assure you. Although, we did have a coachman a few years
ago who fancied those, but we won't get into that. (holds up each
garment as he goes on) This is your cook's uniform and you will wear
it a great deal. This is your downstairs maid dress and apron, and
this is your upstairs maid uniform. (holds up a very sparse, short
dress)
KATHLEEN
Good heavens! (takes is from him) The hem line is far too short, and
the bodice is all too revealing. It will never do.
(throws it back at him)
NICHOLAS
(looking very disappointed) I picked this one out myself.
KATHLEEN
(she glares) I can imagine. And, this I suppose is the schedule.
(she studies it)
NICHOLAS
KATHLEEN
When do we sleep, eat or do anything else? Why are there just the two
of us? I thought Dickens was rich.
NICHOLAS
I suppose he is at that. However, he grew up very poor and now is as
tight with a shilling as an Irishman is with drop of whiskey. (she
glares) Except for the handouts he gives all the homeless blokes he
meets on the street and those that come here for a handout. You best
take your numerous pieces of luggage up to your quarters and try on
the cook's outfit for size and get cracking on supper.
KATHLEEN
Cook?!
NICHOLAS
Yes. You can cook, can't you?
KATHLEEN
Oh, ... yes ...
NICHOLAS
A diverse menu?
KATHLEEN
Diverse? To be sure.
NICHOLAS
Good, you'll find all the ingredients here about.
KATHLEEN
Have you potatoes?
NICHOLAS
Why surely.
KATHLEEN
(with a smile) Grand.
NICHOLAS
After supper, Mr. Dickens will retire to the study through there
(points to door). He has decided to write a story this year about
Christmas, and he is having a rough go of it. He has promised his
children that the family will act out his new story on Christmas day.
And, being this is Christmas Eve, he is still struggling with such
trivial aspects as plot, setting, characters, and etcetera.
KATHLEEN
One night to write a whole story?
NICHOLAS
Oh, we will stay up through the night till morning if need be. Seeing
that he is struggling so, I suppose I will be required to collaborate
with him again.
KATHLEEN
Again?
NICHOLAS
Well, it is a well known fact that I have collaborated with Dickens
on most of his most famous works.
KATHLEEN
Well known? By whom?
NICHOLAS
Well, the blokes at Broadstairs for example.
KATHLEEN
A pub?
NICHOLAS
A magnificent English pub.
KATHLEEN
English pub magnificent, my foot! You Brits wouldn't know a decent
pub if you were born in it.
NICHOLAS
I was! Upstairs!
KATHLEEN
Very telling. Is there any music played there?
NICHOLAS
In the pub itself? Lord no! Let a man have his pint in peace and
quiet.
KATHLEEN
You have described an English wake. No music means no proper pub.
That is a fact.
NICHOLAS
I suppose a proper pub is an Irish pub.
KATHLEEN
You suppose right.
NICHOLAS
I did not mean to agree with you.
KATHLEEN
Get used to it.
(she pours herself a glass of water and sits at the table &he joins
her)
KATHLEEN
So what precisely have you contributed to Dickens books?
NICHOLAS
Well, just for an example mind you, when Dickens was suffering over
the title of one of his books, he asked for a glass of scotch whiskey
to relax his mind. And, I asked his lordship if he wanted an olive or
a twist. Olive or a twist! Oliver Twist! You see?
KATHLEEN
(dubious) I see.
NICHOLAS
He changed the blokes name in the story to Oliver, and the rest is,
let us say - history.
KATHLEEN
And, in Nicholas Nickleby ... the name Nicholas?
NICHOLAS
Remarkable coincidence isn't it.
KATHLEEN
And, to the Pickwick Papers?
[end of extract]