Tryst And Snout by James Gordon
ACT 1:
LIGHTS UP ON BAND AS THEY ARE PRACTICING SONG 1, DOWN CENTER. THEY
FINISH WITH A FLOURISH AND BASK IN APPLAUSE
QUINCE: Nice playin' guys and gals…. say, I've been meanin'
to run an idea past y'all. What would you think about having the band try it's hand at
a little musical theatre?
FLUTE: I don't know Quince, this strikes me as an area of
artistic endeavor in which we, as an ensemble, would lack the
expertise to pull off with the usual aplomb that folks have come to
expect from us.
SNUG: And from a marketing standpoint, boss, I'm wonderin' if
there'd be much demand for this type of high-toned entertainment in
these parts.
QUINCE: Now hear me out, boys. I'm thinking that with the
depression and all hittin' the Ozarks pretty hard, gigs have been
tough to come by, am I wrong?
CAST: (MUTTERING) Well, you have a point there. Times are
mighty lean, etc.
STARVELING: I'm Starveling.
CAST: We Know!
QUINCE: Well I'm thinkin' we need ourselves an angle,
something a little different to offer the folks around Athens.. I
have adapted a script with me here by Mr. Billy-Bob Shakespeare with
our own special talents in mind, that I reckon we could master with a
bit of practice.
SNOUT: Does that mean we have to know how to read, Quince?
QUINCE: I'll teach it to you Snout. Wadda ya say?
CAST: Sure, let's give 'er a go! Can't hurt! We
haven't got anything better to do!
QUINCE: It's called "A Midsummer Night's Dream" and
it's a sprawling tale filled with romance, comedy, mystery and
magic, and the Hempen Homespun Boys have a prominent part of the
proceedings! Let's have a read-through shall we? Suzie Belle, help me with the
scripts. First we need someone to play Mr. Theseus Duke, the owner of
the Athens Coal Company.
BOTTOM: Ooh ooh Pick Me Pick Me!
(SUZIE BELLE GESTURES THAT SHE'D LIKE TO BE PICKED TOO)
QUINCE: Well, Suzie Belle, I think that since you are a mute,
and besides that, you can't talk, we'd better give the speaking
roles to someone else, and Bottom, I was thinking of someone with more
sophistication, and a slightly better grasp of personal hygiene, like
you Snug!
(SNUG IS SEEN PICKING HIS NOSE AND SCRATCHING HIMSELF)
STARVELING: Go for it Snuggles! ( They all giggle!)
SNUG: Ah Shucks, Peter, I'll give 'er a try!
QUINCE: Mighty Fine! Now I need his bride-to-be, the
amazonian beauty Hippolyta!
BOTTOM: Ooh ooh. Pick Me. Pick Me!
QUINCE: Well, Bottom, I was more thinking that a WOMAN
would suit this role, and who better than our own miss Flute here!
FLUTE: Why, thanks awfully Mr. Quince!. It'd be my
pleasure. But I must inform you that I am kin to Snug here. He's my
Uncle!
QUINCE: Darlin', as long as he ain't yer pappy
we're legal in Athens County. OK here we go, the excitement of their
upcoming weddin' is about to make them bust into song! Center Stage
Please! Suzie Belle, you can issue them with their costumes!
(Peter leads Hippolyta and Theseus to down-center, helping
them with costume accessories and providing a bit of direction)
HOW SLOW THIS OLD MOON WANES
SNUG SINGS AS THESEUS:
How slow this old moon wanes,
She lingers my desires
This waiting gives me pain
And stirs my inner fires
FLUTE AS HIPPOLYTA:
Four days will quickly steep themselves in night-
Four nights will quickly dream away the time
Darling everything will be all right
Cuz that's when I'm going to make you mine.
Together: That's when I'm going to make you mine
That's when I'm going to make you mine
Midsummer Night will be our delight
Cuz that's when I'm going to make you mine
THESEUS: Go hire that hempen homespun band ,
That lives up in the hills
And if you can, get from the moonshine man
Corn liquor from his stills.
HIPPOLYTA: Tell your miners that they'll get a holiday,
Invite them to share in our wedding bliss,
We'll dance the Athens Mountain night away,
They'll all be there for our first married kiss!
Together: That's when I'm going to make you mine
That's when I'm going to make you mine
Midsummer Night Will be our delight
Cuz that's when I'm going to make you mine
How slow this old moon wanes, She lingers my desires
This waiting gives me pain And stirs my inner fires
(Snug and Flute return their new costumes to Suzie Belle and return to
the band)
QUINCE: That was real good. Real Good! Now, in this next scene
we get to play ourselves, startin' out with me, as your talented and
charming band leader! First I come a'runnin up to you boys and say;
(He clears his throat and begins): Fellers, I have some amazing
news! You won't believe your tin ears!
CAST: What is it Quince? ( THEY READ BADLY FROM THE SCRIPT)
QUINCE: We have got ourselves a GIG!
BOTTOM: A gig! Yee Haw! ( His Yee Haw is a bit like a donkey's bray!)
QUINCE: Bottom, you always sound like such an ass when you do that!
SNUG: Where are we playin' boss?
QUINCE: The Hempen Homespun Boys have been chosen to play
for the big man himself, Mr. Theseus Duke, when he gets hitched to the
his intended bride, the statuesque high society-type Hippolyta!
CAST: YEE HAW! ( Bottom's yee haw lasts a little
longer!)
QUINCE: I figure this could get us to the Grand Old Opry fer sure!
FLUTE: Maybe we could try out the new play there!
SNOUT: Hey Quince, did you hear about the OTHER weddin' we might get too?
QUINCE: What's that Snout?
SNUG: TWO WEDDINGs, We'll be rich!
SNOUT: Well Boys…. this one's your favourite kind.
CAST: "Shotgun Weddin'?.. YEE HAW!
QUINCE: Here's the story: ( he puts down his banjo
and goes down stage center. Flute comes with him to help act it out)
3 SHOTGUN WEDDIN'
QUINCE: Hermia loved Lysander, loved him with all her heart,
And he loved her too but there was just one tricky part,
To another guy she had already been betrothed
In plays like these that's how the story usually gowth.
You've all heard about Egeus, he's Hermia's pappy,
He went to his boss Theseus and said "I ain't too happy"-
I had my daughter fixed to get hitched to Demetrius.
But when Lysander showed up, well, she kicked up quite a fuss!"
You know what that means that we're gettin?
You know what that means? Yee haw! Shotgun Weddin'!
It seems that Hermia was not too pleased with the arrangement,
Between her and her father there was quite a big estrangement.
But Theseus said "folks, you know round here it is the law,
We don't care who it is you love you must obey yer pa!
You've got a choice and you must make it by Midsummer's Night,
Lysander or Demetrius, you'd better get it right!
If the one yer daddy chose is not the one you pick to marry-
You'll still end up at the church but you'll be in the cemetery!
You know what that means that we're gettin?
You know what that means? Yee haw! Shotgun Weddin'!
Each side argued for their case with eloquence and passion,
With emotions running high in true Shakespearean fashion,
Things got tense, considering this is a comedy,
And it ended with Lysander singing this soliloquy.
QUINCE: (WHISPERING)—Snout! Forgot to tell you! That's You!
( Suzie Belle gives him his Lysander Costume.)
SNOUT: Me? Oh, OK! ( he carries his double bass to center stage)
STARVELING: Sugar, you're going to have to abandon that big bull
fiddle for a spell if you're going to successfully infuse your
performance as Lysander with any sense of realism!
SNOUT: ( after the cast wrestles the bass from him) Don't you
mess with my Beulah when I'm gone! He stands with his arms
still in the 'bass holding' position.
QUINCE: Oh, and Ellie May, I knows your shy, but can you be the fair Hermia?
( She blushes, and takes center stage with Snout. SB helps her on
with her costume)
4. How Now My Love?
SNOUT AS LYSANDER:
How now my love, why is your cheek so pale?
How chance the roses there do fade so fast
You need not fear, we cannot fail
For we have a love that will last.
The course of true love never did run smooth
Troubled waters get stirred by desire
This promise I will make to you
We have a love that will last
There is a place where I know we could
Be safe from all that sorrow
I'll wait for you out in the woods
If you'll meet me there tomorrow
(Sung with Hermia):
The course of true love never did run smooth
Troubled waters get stirred by desire
This promise I will make to you
We have a love that will last
(Hermia and Snout return to the band, after a bow and curtsy to the audience)
QUINCE: Very sweet. Very sweet. Now we need the other leading lady, Helena.
I reckon that falls to you Miss Starveling.
STARVELING: Yes boss, I'll do my best! But who gets to be my feller?
BOTTOM: Ooh ooh Pick Me!
STARVELING: But he's half my age and twice as ugly!
QUINCE: But he's the only one left, miss Starveling. The magic of the
theatre will make the audience suspend their disbelief! ( They all
look at the audience hopefully). Here's the deal with Helena:
( He sings from the band position)
5. HELENA'S INTRO
QUINCE:
There's another complication here, Helena is her name.
Hermia tells her of their imminent elopin '.
But the guy they are running from, why he's the very same
feller Helena's been pinin' for and hopin!
(SPOKEN:) Demetrius. Young Rich Guy. Lives in town. Soft hands. Never
worked a day down in the mine. .
(SUNG): As luck would have it Helena and Demetrius were an item,
Before he got the fair Hermia in his sights.
So she hatches a plan to find her former flame and invite 'im,
To that secret rendezvous tomorrow night.
(SPOKEN): In the woods. Out back of Theseus Duke's place. And as
you'll find out, that secret hide-out's gonna get busier than
Oberon's Bar on Payday. Oh. Here she is now, and it looks like
she gets the stage all to herself, so you know it's serious!
(he pushes Starveling out on to the stage as SB helps her into her costume)
6. CUPID MUST SHOOT HIS ARROW'S BLIND
STARVELING AS HELENA:
How happy those lovers seem to be,
But on Athens Mountain I am thought as fair as she
But the one that I love, oh he does not see
he pays me no mind
Cupid must shoot his arrows blind
Now two men offer Hermia,
A love that it seems I'm not worthy of,
But before Demetrius said it was her he loved
He swore that he was mine
Cupid must shoot his arrows blind
Maybe if I tell him of Hermia's flight
If I bring him to the woods tomorrow night,
He would thank me and he would see my plight
He would see me as the one he left behind,
He'd see that Cupid's arrow was shot blind
(Starveling returns to the band, Gets OUT of Helena Costume)
QUINCE: Mighty Fine! Boys, I reckon we could commence practicing
for the big gig now with our tried and true Hempen Homespuns Theme
Song! Snout, put down that jug and pick up that Bass!
STARVELING: I'm Starveling!
QUINCE: We'll eat after the practice! Count us in Flute!
(FLUTE COMES DOWN STAGE RIGHT TO SING)—
7. HEMPEN HOMESPUN THEME
FLUTE: You'll often find us plopped in plays to lighten up the plot
Especially in the Tragedies when things get over-wrought
We're not essential to the story but we're proud to be
Quite useful as a filler when they're changing scenery.
ALL: We're the rude mechanicals, the Hempen Homespun Boys.
We're mostly here for you folks in the cheap seats to enjoy!
We don't talk all fancy like the lead characters do
We're just simple hillbillies just like you!
We're just simple hillbillies just like you!
ALL: I'm Quince, I'm Snug, I'm Flute, I'm Starveling, I'm Bottom, and I'm Snout
ELLIE MAY : And I'm Ellie May, the one that they don't often talk about!
FLUTE: We play in bars and honky-tonks and barn dances too.-
We're available for parties in rich peoples homes as well…
( song grinds to a halt, Flute goes back to her band spot)
SNUG: Hey, that doesn't even rhyme.. We've got to do better than
this for the big weddin'. They probably don't want this old-timey mountain music any way.
FLUTE: Yeah, they probably like those high-toned fox-trots and two-steps and such.
STARVELING: That new jazz music from New Orleans has become a popular idiom
amongst the neaveau riche I'm told.
QUINCE: We better get practicing. We could rehearse out in the woods tomorrow
night where no one would hear us.
BOTTOM: Yee Haw!
QUINCE: You've got to work on that. One more time everybody!
ALL: We're the rude mechanicals, the Hempen Homespun Boys.
We're mostly here for you folks in the cheap seats to enjoy!
We don't talk all fancy like the lead characters do.
We're just simple hillbillies just like you!
QUINCE: And now, watch closely as I seamlessly adopt another character,
without any one recognizing that it's me!
(He goes to bar, stage left, and puts on Robin costume
Flute and Starveling join him at the bar AS PEASEBLOSSOM AND COBWEB)
8. ROBIN GOODFELLA
QUINCE AS ROBIN GOODFELLA:
They call me Robin Goodfella… I was born in a Bayou
Through flood and through fire…I ramble everywhere,
If you want to cast a spell, or just get high you
just gotta call me.. I can get you there…
Work for Oberon… I'm his voodoo man
Down in the swamps you'll find me in the night.
Fast as White Lightning try to catch me if you can,
I'll get in to your dreams… but I am out a sight!
You can't hide, cuz I know where to find you
If you're out in the woods you best take care
Got my mojo workin' overtime you
Know the full moon's rising there's magic in the air.
They call me Robin Goodfella… I was born in a Bayou (REPEAT AND FADE)
( Flute and Starveling return to band position..Quince takes off costume but remains)
QUINCE: (WHISPERS)—Psst! Snug, Flute!
SNUG AND FLUTE: Yes, Mr. Goodfella?
QUINCE: No, it's me, Peter! I need you to play another couple now-
Oberon, who runs the honky-tonk at the edge of town, and Titania,
his woman, and the one who runs the "Upstairs Operations" at
the bar. if you catch my meaning"
SNUG AND FLUTE: Huh?
QUINCE: They ain't from around these parts. Just follow the script.
( He helps them into Titania and Oberon Costumes and takes them
over to the bar, then returns to band )
9. YOU AIN'T GETTIN' ANY
SNUG AS OBERON: (SPOKEN): Ill Met by Moonlight Titania
FLUTE AS TITANIA:
I saw you steal away
In the early light of day.
To play with Phillida… that tramp!
You think that I don't know,
Those nights you used to go.
And party with Hippolyta, that vamp!
But now she's getting married and you've come back here to beg,
Crawlin' back to momma with your tail between your legs.
( Like Mae West, spoken: )—ooh, and what a tail that is to tell!
Well let me tell you something Oberon-
Honey, what I got.
And darlin' that's a lot.
Bet your ass you're not Gettin' any.
You think you're pretty hot,
Some kind of big shot,
You ain't shootin' here, you're not Gettin' Any!
OBERON:
Oh baby you should talk, Cuz I hear you used to rock
With Theseus Duke behind my Back
The way you strut your stuff, You know I've had enough
Of you callin' the kettle black!
You know I want you back Titania.
What more can I do, what can I say ta ya?
(Titania sings chorus, with Oberon singing "Take me Back" and
"Cut me some slack" intertwined.)
`
OBERON:
Business just is not the same in Oberon's saloon
We don't sell as much corn Liquor-
The dance band plays more out of tune (they play a bad chord)
When we quarrel, when we bicker…
The moonshine's not as fine flowing from our stills.
The girls upstairs don't look quite as invitin'
Nothing seems right in these here hills,
When we're fussing and we're fightin'
TITANIA: (SPOKEN): forget it Oberon- until you change YOUR ways..
you ain't gettin' any!
( She goes off stage left, and returns stage right for song ELEVEN)
OBERON: Robin, come on over to the bar, would ya? What am I gonna
do? Not only do I need Titania back.. I need to teach her a
lesson. I need to play a trick on her.
(ROBIN COMES TO THE BAR)
10. LOVE POTION #9.1
ROBIN: I know a still
At the top of the hill
Where the path gets wild and narrow
One magic night
By the full moon's light
Old Cupid shot his arrow…
And when his arrow shot
That still it got
As red and hot as Hades
And now the booze that oozes
From that still- if you use it