This Movie Kills Fascists by Calyx Passailaigue
Somewhere in Continental Europe, 1918
No Man's Land
A razed, battle scarred field. Large puddles, rifles and pieces of body parts still
clad in uniforms are scattered across the surrounding area
The land is now desolate but shows signs of being recently abandoned in the
wake of a great battle
A single, solitary tree stands in the centre, unharmed and sprouting light
green leaves.
Folsom, seated against a mound of dirt far to the left of the tree,
laughs hysterically and stares vacantly out into the distance.
Crouched on either side of him are Dogsworth and Gimmelitz, who stare
at him in bafflement. All three are damp and caked with mud, wearing
the soldier's garb of their respective countries :
Dogsworth, British
Gimmelitz: American
Folsom: Canadian
Folsom is a horror of shell-shocked intensity and psychological realism
In contrast, the other soldiers are broad, burlesque clowns : Dogsworth
embodies the humourless busybody, Gimmelitz the dreamy dunce
Dogsworth slaps Folsom's cheek
DOGSWORTH: Blast! Unresponsive
GIMMELITZ: It's a damn shame
Dogsworth grabs hold of Folsom by the shoulders
DOGSWORTH: Pull yourself together man! You see me? I'm real! Him,
he's real! You're real! All this is real!
Folsom laughs harder
GIMMELITZ: Do you think he can even see us?
Dogsworth stands and paces with military precision. Folsom slumps over
and quiets down to a barely audible giggle. Gimmelitz regards Folsom
sadly for a moment.
DOGSWORTH: The mongrels were using that dreadful gas on our boys
today. He must have inhaled some of the rotten stuff.
GIMMELITZ: Poor wretch. (beat) Why don't we leave him? There's a
village east of here. We could defect.
DOGSWORTH: Nonsense. A true soldier never deserts a brother officer.
Even if it means death for both of them! Now what are you, a man or a
mouse?
GIMMELITZ: A mouse probably.
DOGSWORTH: Well, I respect your honesty.
Dogsworth rises to his feet.
DOGSWORTH: No, we will stay. Wait for the regiment as we were
ordered.
Dogsworth surveys the land. Gimmelitz peers out from behind him,
sucking on his thumb. Eventually, Dogsworth strides over to the tree,
followed by Gimmelitz. From now on they gravitate around it and never
stray too far away.
DOGSWORTH: I say, the boys must have found themselves in quite a
scuffle down by The Anthill.
Gimmelitz shrugs. Dogsworth checks his watch.
DOGSWORTH: I would speculate 15 hours before their return.
GIMMELITZ: And that's with a hearty breakfast and a lively march in
them.
DOGSWORTH: Indeed.
Beat
GIMMELITZ: Of course, it could be 16 hours.
DOGSWORTH: Quite. One might even suggest 17.
GIMMELITZ: It's a possibility. Anything is 18 hours.
DOGSWORTH: 19.
GIMMELITZ: 20.
DOGSWORTH: 24.
GIMMELITZ: 48.
DOGSWORTH: 72.
Beat.
GIMMELITZ: We'll die here.
DOGSWORTH: Ah that's not so bad! A soldier dies the day they put the
uniform on him. Quite right, too.
GIMMELITZ: Perhaps I'll have a snack.
Gimmelitz sits down and takes out a blue cloth, 3 carrots, 2 loafs of
white Wonder Bread and a yoghurt tube from his jacket. He starts by
spreading the cloth out in front of him on the ground then placing the
pieces of food lovingly on it. Once this is completed, he begins
eating a carrot.
GIMMELITZ: Would you care for something?
Dogsworth regards the food with contempt.
DOGSWORTH: Hmph. A soldier eats only once his mission is completed.
Gimmelitz bites the carrot, then realizes.
GIMMELITZ: Then I've failed.
DOGSWORTH: Nothing to be done.
Beat. Distant footsteps are heard. Gimmelitz notices and squints to
look in the distance. Dogsworth notices and looks in the same
direction. Sir, a lone figure all in black, enters.
GIMMELITZ: There
DOGSWORTH: Ah yes. Most intriguing.
GIMMELITZ: What's his name I wonder?
DOGSWORTH: Perhaps he might have seen our company just south of here.
(shouting) Good day sir! You! Over there!
Sir points to himself.
SIR: Me?
DOGSWORTH: Yes yes. We were wondering if you saw a regiment pass
through about 2 miles south of here.
SIR: Hmmm it's an interesting question.
DOGSWORTH: Yes but did you see them?
GIMMELITZ: Don't pressure him. He's obviously in shock. Why
don't you sit down sir?
SIR: Much obliged.
Sir joins Gimmelitz on the spot across from him on the ground.
Gimmelitz finishes eating his first carrot.
GIMMELITZ: My pleasure. (to Dogsworth) Care to join us?
DOGSWORTH: No, I'll keep watch.
GIMMELITZ: (to Sir) So tell me a bit about yourself? I don't have
much so far as food, but by all means you're welcome to what I've
got.
SIR: Copious thanks but I just ate.
GIMMELITZ: Oh, well would you mind if I un-famish myself?
SIR: By all means.
Gimmelitz hesitates, then defiantly takes a second carrot and begins
eating.
GIMMELITZ: It's a virtue to spoil oneself. Where are you from?
SIR: A town south of here. You wouldn't know it.
GIMMELITZ: Kleitzburg?
SIR: No.
GIMMELITZ: Oberlitzen?
SIR: I'm afraid not.
GIMMELITZ: Fiverplatz?
SIR: Wrong.
GIMMELITZ: The Squanch?
SIR: Wrong again.
GIMMELITZ: Widdleheim?
SIR: Ye- No not there.
GIMMELITZ: My mother was from Widdleheim.
SIR: I believe some talk of a regiment was mentioned?
GIMMELITZ: Ah yes.
SIR: I saw one just north of here.
DOGSWORTH: North of here!? A regiment could only be found south of
here!
SIR: Now that you mention it, it might have been east of here.
DOGSWORTH: South! It must have been south!
SIR: I tell you it is east sir.
DOGSWORTH: I am ashamed to inform you sir, but it must logically be
south!
SIR: And I tell you again sir that it is east.
DOGSWORTH: Sir, do you mean to call me a liar or a saint of
contradiction?!
SIR: I call you mistaken sir. No more and no less.
DOGSWORTH: Hogwash! And if I were to travel east, I suppose I would
see a regiment moving west, sir?!
SIR: Ah but you are mistaken again! For I assert that I saw a regiment
west, moving south.
DOGSWORTH: Banality! East is the only logical direction for a regiment
to travel sir!
SIR: And I am telling you, sir, that I saw a regiment starting in the
west and travelling north!
DOGSWORTH: By my honour as a solider I assert that a regiment could
only be moving east if they were to have started west!
SIR: Say what you will but I know what I saw.
DOGSWORTH: So be it. I have nothing more to say to you.
SIR: Then I will blow you a kiss, in remembrance.
Sir blows Dogsworth a kiss. He then takes out a large pipe, lights it
and begins smoking. Beat.
SIR: I must hold onto these things now it's all so ephemeral.
GIMMELITZ: Ah! We have a philosopher in our midst.
SIR: No, simply an ex-father an ex-husband.
GIMMELITZ: And how did an ex-father, ex-husband find himself alone out
here in this pitiful country?
SIR: An army came by this morning and burnt my house down. My family
was still inside. Must have been a mistake. But that's done now.
Perhaps one day all will burn.
DOGSWORTH: Well, no use crying about it old chap. Buck up!
GIMMELITZ: You are a philosopher I think.
SIR: A lofty claim for a simple country gentleman.
GIMMELITZ: I was once a philosopher maybe.
DOGSWORTH: I was a vaudeville performer! I used to do the old tap and
shuffle. Quite a show really! My big move, the Wallop, that would
always get the crowd in a bit of a tizzy. Oh lovely stuff, lovely! Do
you remember the one about Tipperary? (sings) "It's a long way to
Tipperary! It's a long way to go! It's a long way to Tipperary! To
the sweetest girl I know!" Oh quite good stuff, you know. Quite
good.
SIR: I was never one for the stage.
DOGSWORTH: A pity, that.
Gimmelitz finishes eating and packs up his food. Sir puts away his
pipe.
GIMMELITZ: Well that's it for now then. One mustn't spoil oneself
with these things. Decadence is a vice to the practical man.
Sir has a sudden revelation.
SIR: That's right! Why just think of the money I'll save without
having a family to support! Yes, perhaps this recent change in
circumstances is somehow a blessing in the disguise of a curse.
GIMMELITZ: I daresay I feel something akin to envy.
SIR: I've always been considered a lucky man.
GIMMELITZ: As is clearly evident!
Beat. Sir has a newfound confidence and ease.
SIR: Well, perhaps I should get moving on. Wouldn't want to keep you
fellows away from your duty any longer.
DOGSWORTH: Duty is indeed the first priority of the true soldier.
GIMMELITZ: We're on the lookout for our regiment.
SIR: Truly a most noble task! Godspeed gentlemen. Fair-thee-met and
fare-thee-well.
Sir shakes both of their hands and walks away as Dogsworth and
Gimmelitz dramatically wave. The wind picks up speed as Sir suddenly
turns to face them and gestures as if enchanting a spell.
SIR: Look around you! Everything the light touches is all just wood
for the pyre!
Sir exits.
GIMMELITZ: But it shall make a lovely light.
Lights down. Beat.
Lights up. Dogsworth and Gimmelitz are seated under opposite sides of
the tree, back to back. The Girl, wearing a pink summer dress, runs up
to Dogsworth and Gimmelitz and curiously studies them. Noticing her
approach, Dogsworth and Gimmelitz jump to their feet. It is now later
in the day. Gradually the sky turns from afternoon to sunset to
night.
DOGSWORTH: What news?
THE GIRL: (reciting) Wolflitz has pulled up to the cove. Lemmé is
running for cover. Mostow-Shleepowitz is planning to move on The
Burden and Gremmnitz is taking evasive action toward a retreat.
DOGSWORTH: My God! It's worse than I thought.
GIMMELITZ: Sounds hopeful to me.
DOGSWORTH: Tell your mother and father they have a lovely, bright
little girl for a daughter, would you?
GIMMELITZ: And mention that you saw two stranded men out in the fields
here.
The Girl curtseys.
THE GIRL: I thank you both kindly.
DOGSWORTH: The pleasure is ours surely.
GIMMELITZ: Surely.
THE GIRL: Ah here they come now.
Mr. K (large build, velvet pinstripe suit, top hat) leisurely strolls
towards the group with Mrs. K (formal dress, summer hat) on his arm.
Following behind them are Mr. S (glasses, brown suit) and Mrs. S
(formal dress, summer hat), carrying a fan.
MR. K: (to The Girl) Come sweetling.
The Girl runs over to her father. Mr. K notices Dogsworth and
Gimmelitz standing by the tree and approaches them.
DOGSWORTH: Blasted heavens! Commoners!
MR. K: Here! I found two live ones!
Mr. S studies them ponderously. Mrs. S fans herself.
MR. S: You don't lie! Here they are in the flesh.
MRS. S: Magnanimous!
MR. S: See how they stare back at us. The very picture of noble
suffering.
MR. K: That's the thousand mile stare they call it!
MRS. S: Magnanimous! I'll say it again, magnanimous!
The Girl mimes holding a camera in her hands and takes a picture.
THE GIRL: I took a picture daddy.
MR. K: Good my little giblet.
GIMMELITZ: (to Dogsworth) What are they doing?
DOGSWORTH: (to Gimmelitz) Obviously they've come for the show. Keep
quiet.
Gimmelitz approaches Mr. &Mrs. K and Mr. &Mrs. S.
GIMMELITZ: I am the Messiah! Ye look upon me and know me, for I am the
life giver who journeyed from the desert to inhabit these mighty
fields!
MRS. K: Heavens! He speaks!
MRS. S: Magnanimous!
MR. S: The caw of a chicken sent to the slaughter.
DOGSWORTH: (to Gimmelitz) Careful now.
GIMMELITZ: All who praise me shall find eternal salvation!
The Girl, Mr &Mrs. K and Mr. &Mrs. S all applaud in astonishment.
MR. S: In a sense, this is the true spectacle. Not the grand battle we
have just witnessed, but the chance to observe these noble creatures
up close, in their natural habitat.
MRS. S: Magnanimous! That's what I calls it.
GIMMELITZ: They're looking at me giblet. They must think me a Celtic
God, sent to earth to live among mortal men.
Mr. K holds back the others and approaches Gimmelitz like a tribal
chief.
GIMMELITZ: Halt unbeliever!
MR. S: He's trying to communicate with you.
MRS. K: How precious.
MR. K: (to Gimmelitz) YOU. SOLDIER.
THE GIRL: Let me get a picture daddy.
The Girl mimes taking a picture while Gimmelitz and Mr. K pose. Mr. K
laughs hysterically.
MR. K: (to Gimmelitz) BIG GUN GO POW.
Mr K. nods, laughs and makes shooting sounds.
GIMMELITZ: Bow heathen peasant! You shall be smitten by the full might
of the lord!
Mr. &Mrs. K laugh amused.
MR. S: (ponderously) But how do we study it? How can we know what
truly goes on inside its head?
MR. K: Quite a noble question, that.
MRS. K: And how scientific in nature.
MRS. S: Magnanimous I'd say.
Gimmelitz stands on a rock and attempts to deliver a sermon.
GIMMELITZ: When one asks the why he stops asking the what. Eh? The
what is the only question the lord cares about.
An explosion goes off in the distance
Everyone ducks for cover
[end of extract]