The School Inspector by Kerr Lockhart

This Play is the copyright of the Author, and may not be performed, copied or sold without the Author's prior consent

CAST OF CHARACTERS

IAN THE SHILL
OLIVIA THE ROPER
HARRY THE CON

LORNA SUPERINTENDENT OF SCHOOLS
TERRENCE HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL
SHIRLEY MIDDLE SCHOOL PRINCIPAL
GORDON ELEMENTARY SCHOOL PRINCIPAL
FIEDLER BUSINESS ADMINISTRATOR
VERA BOARD MEMBER
CHUCK BOARD MEMBER
DAVE BOARD MEMBER

THOMPSON &THOMSEN* GUIDANCE COUNSELORS
WALLERSTEIN* SCIENCE CHAIR
PESKOW* MUSIC CHAIR
NEILAN* LANGUAGE ARTS CHAIR
DORTMUNDER* MATH CHAIR
BALDINI SOCIAL STUDIES CHAIR
KLEMP* SPORTS DIRECTOR
CANTWELL* INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY
SMITTY* CUSTODIAN

MRS. MATLIK PARENT
MRS. O'BRIEN PARENT
MRS. VOLMER PARENT
MRS. LEPIK PARENT
MRS. KAZA PARENT

Note: This play is a burlesque, a fantasia on themes suggested by Gogol and by contemporary situations. It is not meant as satire, and very specifically is not intended to depict any of the people or the institutions in any of the districts in which I have taught. If anyone chooses to take offense at anything in this rather slight improvisation, I'm sorry, but no offense was meant.

* Other than BALDINI, the teachers can be either gender, as suits your production, likewise the administrators and the parents. You may make any simple adjustments you need for that purpose.

ACT I

(What at first glance appears to be a cluttered windowless storage room, apparently for a high school, filled with discarded lockers, student and teacher desks, auditorium seats, file cabinets, broken vending machines and office machinery, appears at second glance to have been a conference room at one time. At least there is a long table with 8 or 10 matching chairs buried in the debris. It has been quite a while since a meeting was held here.)

(At rise it is nearly dark-just light enough to reveal the presence of a lot of clutter. After a few moments, the beam of a pen-sized flashlight scampers about the room.)

IAN Maybe there's a couple in here.

LIV A couple what?

IAN Shine your light over that corner.

LIV What are we looking for?

IAN Vending machines.

LIV This is no time for a Coke.

IAN Not for a soda. For some cash.

LIV Cash? From a vending machine? You planning a trip to Atlantic City?

IAN Do YOU have money for a bus ticket out of here?

LIV No. Butvending machines? We don't need vending machines to get money. We got a thousand ways. A shell game, a pigeon drop, the Cairo shuffle

IAN No. No. No. Those were with Harry. And Harry's split.

LIV I know, I know.

IAN And he was the one the brains, and the looks

LIV (oh, did she know that) I know

IAN And all our money

LIV (that hurts) Is that supposed to be my fault? He was sick of you, sick of you blowing the gaffe. What was it, three cons in a row? That last mark, we had him. I could feel his twelve thou in my hand. Then you had to be the good guy. "Think it over - Are you completely sure about this?" That fish turned colder than New Year's Eve in Juneau. No wonder Harry took off. You drove him off.

IAN That's right, I drove Harry off, because I was responsible for him finding you in Room 313 of the Diplomat Hotel with both forwards of the Worcester IceCats.

LIV I was setting them up. (Ian scoffs) Look, I understand Harry being jealous because- well, because. But, Ian,you don't have any reason to feel- oh, never mind - you're a man. You don't get it.

IAN I'm not a man! I mean, I'm not that kind of a man! I—Oh, you know what I mean.

LIV Look, you and me, we can still run some cons. What about "Money from Home"?

IAN "Money From Home"? "Money From Home"? I couldn't pull off "Money From Home" in a million years. Do you know the kind of - you know - you gotta have in order to -

LIV Alright, OK, but how about "The St. Louis Switch"?

IAN Liv, let me make it clear. I'm done. We have run around 14 different states, always one jump ahead of the sheriff, and here we are after all that, flat busted, so broke I couldn't scare up a penny for your thoughts. I'm through. Consider this my retirement dinner, and I am looking for a gold watch. No more scams for me.

LIV (a fresh approach) Do you really think you're not just as good as Harry?

IAN Don't try to con me. The bus leaves in 45 minutes, and we just need enough for a couple of tickets.

LIV To where?

IAN Anywhere but here. This town is tighter than Kirstie Alley's sweatpants. (Finds vending machine.) Aha! Here's a likely candidate. (Removes Swiss Army knife from pocket, begins jimmying coinbox.)

LIV (Plops down in chair at conference table.) It's ironic.

IAN What?

LIV Us winding up here.

IAN How is that ironic?

LIV It just is. I mean, here we are. You know—us.

IAN Yes?

LIV Look where we are.

IAN Uh-huh.

LIV It's ironic!

IAN You don't actually know what irony is, do you?

LIV It's whenyou knowtwo things that…you know…when you put them together, they—(IAN looks at her. She really doesn't know.) Oh, come on, Harry was the words guy. Me, I'm all about the numbers.

IAN And I'm the shill. LIV Right.

IAN 'Cause I look like a mark.

LIV Everyone should play to their strengths.

IAN (Hurt by her insensitivity) How can someone as smart as you be so dumb?

LIV I's ironic?

IAN Shut up. LIV Shhh-

IAN Don't shush me. I already told you to shut up.

LIV (whisper) Listen-

(We hear voices approaching. IAN and LIV scramble to hide inside lockers, under desks, etc.

Enter ORNA, the School Superintendent, TERRENCE, the High School Principal, SHIRLEY, the Middle School Principal, GORDON, the Elementary School Principal, and three School board members, VERA, CHUCK and DAVE .

LORNA flips the lights on and strides in. LIV has hidden in the opposite end of the room, while IAN is hidden close enough to the door for him to be nearly spotted as the principals and board members enter.)

LORNA I knew it had to still be here.

SHIRLEY What is this place?

LORNA It's the Board of Ed meeting room.

TERRENCE I didn't know this was even here.

GORDON Figures you wouldn't know your own building, Terry.

TERRENCE What does an elementary school principal like you have to know? Where's the sandbox and the toilet?

SHIRLEY What's the difference? (Cackles)

CHUCK (Burly contractor) Why can't we meet in Mama Pistilli's like we always do?

VERA (Little old lady) This place is filthy. Where can I sit down?

LORNA Chuck, Dave, pull some of those chairs over.

VERA And clean them off.

LORNA I'm sorry for the break in our routine-

CHUCK Maybe we could at least send out for a pie-

LORNA What I'm telling you can't leave this room.

DAVE (nervous lawyer type) What is it? What's going on?

LORNA Everybody just sit down.

CHUCK This better be good. I had to fold with two pair when you called.

SHIRLEY Why, Chuck, I didn't even know you had one pair.

LORNA Pipe down. You all need to hear this.

(IAN shifts his weight, which makes a noise in the pile of junk.)

DAVE What's that?

TERRENCE Dave, stop worrying.

DAVE I'm a lawyer, that's what I do.

LORNA (an announcement) A school inspector is coming to our district.

TERRENCE A school inspector?!

GORDON When?!

LORNA We don't know. They're surprise inspections, no advance notice.

SHIRLEY Is that all? We have monkeys from the Department of Ed comin' around all the time. We give 'em a stack of phony lesson plans, a choir concert and a plateful of cookies and they're happy.

LORNA This is the real deal. They're all over the state. They're going into classrooms, they're looking at our test results and they're auditing the books.

(DAVE falls off his chair.)

VERA Are you all right?

DAVE (still on floor) Depends on what you mean by "all right."

(clambers up)

GORDON Did you say audit?

LORNA That $9 million in school aid we pulled? They're going to want to see where it went.

SHIRLEY They're going to have to come to my house at the lake if they want to see my share.

TERRENCE Shut up, Shirley.

GORDON (can't believe how obtuse Shirley is) Oh, my God

SHIRLEY I'm just saying-

TERRENCE Don't talk!

(IAN and LIV are listening with considerable interest.)

CHUCK Let's get something straight. Everybody got a piece of that building fund. We're all in this.

VERA Dave, shouldn't we just tell them-offer to give the money-cut a deal with the DA, like on "Law and Order?"

(All begin yelling and carrying on: "What are you, nuts?", "I'm not giving back a nickel?", "No deals!", "Keep away from the Feds", etc.)

LORNA (shouting over the din with some difficulty) That is NOT the plan! (The group settles down) That is not the plan. We are going to act. We will act calmly, decisively and all together. Gordon, you're in charge of Kindergarten through 4th grade. You've got to start teaching something about letters and numbers down there.

GORDON Letters and numbers? How am I going to do that? Where will I get the people?

LORNA And for God's sake, get those used cars out of the playground.

GORDON But Friendly Fred has a lease for another five months! Besides, the kids love playin' in those old cars. Man, there is nothing like sitting in what's left of a burned-out Stingray, pretending you're zooming down the highway—(pretending to steer and making zooming noises)

LORNA I don't care, get them out. Put up some nice colorful pictures around the building-stuff that looks like the kids could have done it.

CHUCK Hey, my brother-in-law's an artist ("air" quotes) and his stuff looks just like a 2nd grader did it.

LORNA That's the spirit-everybody pitch in! Now, Shirley-

SHIRLEY (knee-jerk reaction) I'm not giving the money back!

LORNA Shut up, Shirley. I'm talking about your middle school.

SHIRLEY What about it?

LORNA You have to take the cages out.

SHIRLEY What?!

LORNA You have to!

SHIRLEY Have you ever seen middle schoolers?

LORNA Give them some video games.

VERA I've heard those can be very educational.

LORNA That's right. Find some educational video games. Maybe there's some games with some algebra or something.

SHIRLEY Algebra. Is that with all the "x"s and "y"s and stuff?

LORNA And you have to give them something else to read besides Spiderman comics!

SHIRLEY We did! The 8th graders are reading Green Lantern!

LORNA Something without pictures!

SHIRLEY I see. You're out to kill the whole spirit of learning.

LORNA Didn't you used to have a World Language program in the middle school?

SHIRLEY We still do. We have a very experienced native Spanish-speaking instructor in the building twice a week.

LORNA Having your maid coming in on alternate Thursdays doesn't count!

[end of extract]

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