The Proctologist's Daughter by Edward Crosby Wells
ACT ONE Scene 1
AT RISE A park. DICK PALMER, wearing a fedora and a trench coat,
is seated on a bench reading the Los Angeles Times. He folds the
paper, lays it on the bench and stands.
DICK: (Directly to audience.) Halloween . . . it's when the ghouls
and gorillas come out . . . the real heart stoppers. No, not the
little kids in costumes, masks or made-up faces, but the real McCoy
the sleazy underbelly of the City of Angels the kind of horror
show that you can only see 'round midnight in the filth and shadows
near Hollywood and Vine. The angels and the sinners tread these
treacherous streets . . . these streets where stars and tramps walk
side by side . . . where perfumed dames are lookin' for good-time
Charlies and the good-time Charlies are lookin' for . . . well,
lookin' for a good time. These are my streets. This is my city. This
is my beat. My name is Dick Palmer and I'm a secret agent man.
Boy, if this bench could talk! It was right here on this bench a few
years back when me and my ladylove, Velma Lombard, first talked about
marriage. Velma Lombard . . . she's a big star now, but she wasn't
then. Then there was a war on. You know, the big one WW II. We
were all doing what we could for the war effort, only some of us were
doing more than others. We could have lost that war if it wasn't for
me and Velma back then on that fateful Halloween. The Germans were
breathing down our backs and if we hadn't squashed the evil Baroness
Von Cobra dead in her tracks, we might all be eating blood sausage
pudding.
We had just finished lunch . . . Velma and me . . . right here on
this very park bench . . .on that fateful Halloween . . .
(VELMA LOMBARD, a platinum blonde bombshell, enters and sits on the
bench. When she speaks, she has a high-pitched voice and is
incredibly naïve. She probably chews gum and, when she's finished,
sticks it under things. Hiding behind a fake tree that he carries is
OTTO PAPSCHMIER.)
VELMA: (Her hands all over DICK.) Dicky, Dicky, Dicky. I've
waited so long I'll be an old maid before we get married. Say
you will take my hand.
DICK: (Taking her hand.) What do you want me to do with it?
VELMA: I want you to marry it . . . I mean me. Say you will marry me,
Dicky. Say you will take my hand in marriage.
DICK: Ah, Velma. I can't. I can't say that I will take your
hand in marriage because I can't.
VELMA: Oh, say it. Say it, Dicky. Say you will. Say you'll be
mine, sweetheart. We're closer than ham and cheese. Closer than
tomato and lettuce. Closer than franks and beans. We belong together.
Say you love me.
DICK: Ditto, babe. But I can't.
VELMA: You can.
DICK: I can't. There's my career to think about. I don't want
you worrying every time I leave home to go to work.
VELMA: Oh, why can't you stop being a secret agent man?
DICK: Because I'm a red-blooded, loyal, faithful, all-American boy
who loves his flag and will defend it till death do us part.
VELMA: (Pouting.) Sounds like you're you're already married.
DICK: In a way, sugar, I am.
VELMA: Well, where does that leave me?
DICK: Next, babe. Next.
VELMA: I wouldn't let my movie career get in the way of our
getting married.
DICK: You can't get killed making a movie, sweetheart.
VELMA: In this town? You've got to be kidding!
DICK: Besides, you don't have a movie career.
VELMA: Not yet. But I will . . . as soon as I am discovered.
DICK: In Woolworth's?
VELMA: This is Hollywood, ain't it? Stranger things have
happened.
DICK: But not at Woolworth's.
VELMA: Suki Salome was discovered in Woolworth's.
DICK: Who's Suki Salome?
VELMA: She was a stand-in for Maria Montez. She used to work in the
cosmetic department. She's the one who actually got to jump into
the smoldering volcano.
DICK: Isn't she lucky.
VELMA: Yes and no. She's back at Woolworth's. Only this time
she's working in the hardware department until they remove the
bandages.
DICK: Bandages?
VELMA: From the burns.
DICK: I see. Fame is a fleeting flame, ain't it?
VELMA: Yeah, and it can be short too.
DICK: There's a war on, babe a big ugly world war with an ugly
little man with an ugly little mustache with an ugly attitude who
means to conquer the world and make it into something as ugly s
himself.
VELMA: Gads! What an ugly mess.
DICK: You got that right, sister. How can I think about marriage
while the Germans are breathing down our necks? (OTTO backs away
tree and all.)
VELMA: Throw caution to the wind. Say you will marry me, my
beloved.
DICK: I can't. We got to end this big bad war before I say yes.
I'm doing what I must for the war effort.
VELMA: I know you are, Dicky, and I think that's just swell. But
why can't I marry a G-man a secret agent? It's a good job.
You pay taxes. You're doing what you can to preserve the American
way, aren't you?
DICK: You bet I am, babe. But that's the thing. My kind of work
is dangerous. There's danger around every corner, around every bend
in the road, around everywhere there's someplace to hide and lurk in
the shadows.
VELMA: Gads!
DICK: There's danger all around us, sweetheart, and I will not put
you in the middle of it.
VELMA: I don't care. I'm very proud of you. And when people ask
me what my husband does for a living, I can raise my chin and stand
tall when I tell them that my Dicky is a secret agent . . . my Dicky
works to protect justice and freedom and the American way . . . my
Dicky works for ASS.
DICK: You gotta spell it, Velma. A-S-S. The Allied Secret Service
has my body, but you will always have my heart.
VELMA: Oh well, one can't have everything. I'll just have to be
content with your heart for now and wait till after the war for
the rest of you.
DICK: Shucks! We've got to win this war . . . and soon.
VELMA: And we will. We've got to put our trust in President
Roosevelt and in the American way . . . because the American way is
the right way and the right way is our way . . . therefore, we should
get our way, right?
DICK: (Bewildered.) Ah . . . right.
VELMA: (Glances at her watch.) Oops, my lunch hour is almost over.
While you figure out how we're going to win this big ugly war I have
to get back into ladies' lingerie or I'll be out on my . . . (OTTO
sneezes from behind a slowly advancing tree.) Bless you.
DICK: What?
VELMA: I said, bless you.
DICK: Bless you, too, Velma.
VELMA: Thank you, Dicky, but I didn't sneeze. (She rises to
leave.)
DICK: I thought you did.
VELMA: Nope. Wasn't me. (Gives him a quick peck on the cheek.)
Happy Halloween, darling. Gotta go. Can't be late for work. I
really just can't. Don't forget we're going trick-or-treating
this evening.
DICK: I won't. See you later, baby-cakes. (Afterthought.) Wait.
VELMA: What?
DICK: I almost forgot. I've got something for you, babe.
VELMA: You do? What is it, Dicky?
DICK: (Removes a long-stemmed red rose from one of the pockets of his
trench coat.) A rose . . . an American Beauty rose for the most
beautiful girl in America.
VELMA: (Taking the rose.) Thank you, Dicky. Aren't you too sweet
. . . OUCH!
DICK: What happened?
VELMA: I think I pricked myself on your rose, Dicky.
DICK: Here, let me see. (He takes her hand and kisses it.) There,
all better.
VELMA: Ooh, it feels better already. I guess in the garden of life
there has always got to be a little prick.
DICK: My mother's words, exactly. Now you hurry along and I'll
meet you right here after work.
VELMA: Bye-bye.
DICK: Bye-bye. (VELMA leans in to kiss him.) Ixnay on the isseskay.
We're in a public place.
VELMA: Sorry. Bye again. (VELMA exits.)
DICK: Bye again. (OTTO sneezes.) Bless you.
OTTO: (From behind the tree.) Thank you.
DICK: What the . . . (Starts to rise. OTTO, wearing a tuxedo and red
sash, comes out from behind the tree and drops a cloth sack over
DICK's head.)
BLACK OUT.
END ACT ONE Scene 1
ACT ONE Scene 2
AT RISE The living room of the Von Cobra mansion. BARONESS VON
COBRA is alone onstage talking into the microphone of a short-wave
radio. She is wearing something dark and sexy; perhaps a slinky,
snake-like, floor length, black satin dress with a long slit on the
side and with lots of sparkling beading and a cape with a turned-up
collar in the shape of a cobra's head. Perhaps she is wearing
something else. She smokes cigarettes using a long ornate holder.
BARONESS: Ya. Ya ya. Ya ya ya! My manservant, Otto Papschmier
(pronounce: papshmeer), is taking care of that as we speak, Herr
Lipshitz. Vhat? Very vell. Let me schart from the beginning and
work my way toward der middle. It is the only way to get to the bottom
of things, yah? (Still speaking into microphone.) It was late last
night. It was dark and it was stormy. One might even say, gloomy. (A
flash of LIGHTNING followed by the SOUND of THUNDER.) Shortly after
receiving a radio call from Herr Hitler . . . heil . . . Otto came
into the living room of my beautiful mansion high in the Hollywood
Hills for his nightly orders. (OTTO enters.)
BOTH: I am waiting for my orders.
BARONESS: He said. And then I said . . . (No longer speaking into
microphone, but rather in the moment.) Of course you are, Otto,
darling.
OTTO: (Throws himself to his knees.) Please. Give me orders! I live
to
look up to the soles of your shoes!
BARONESS: Of course you do, Herr Papschmier. (She pronounces it
pap-shmeer.)
OTTO: (Correcting her.) Sha-my-er. Otto Pap-sha-my-er.
BARONESS: How many times have I told you, Papschmier, you are who I
say you are!
OTTO: Of course. I cannot imagine what came over me.
BARONESS: A lapse in judgement, I presume. Although I am not one to
presume. I am one who knows. Neither presumption nor assumption in
my little Mein Kampf. Struggles you could never imagine.
OTTO: I must read it someday.
BARONESS: Tonight after your hot cocoa. I insist!
OTTO: I am looking forward to it.
BARONESS: Of course you are. Now get up! (He does.) You have sunken
to levels beneath yourself. By the way, I just spoke with der man.
OTTO: Der man . . ? You mean . . ?
BARONESS: I do.
OTTO: (Salutes.) Heil.
BARONESS: Heil. It seems there is a submarine about to leave the Port
of Los Angeles. It contains a top-secret weapon that the Third Reich
must get its hands on before der Americans use it on Tokyo Joe.
OTTO: Right. Third Reich. Hands. Der man. Heil.
BARONESS: Heil. He needs to know when the schnitzel schleps.
OTTO: The schnitzel schleps?
BARONESS: Leaves port. We must know vhich schnitzel contains das
sauerbraten before it schleps to sea.
OTTO: Vhich schnitzel contains das sauerbraten before it schleps?
BARONESS: That's what I said! Das secret weapon is the
sauerbraten.
OTTO: Das sauerbraten is der secret weapon?
BARONESS: Yady, yady, ya! You keep repeating me and I will need to
burn the wax out of your ears. We must know what we must know. Und
we know we must get our hands on that secret weapon. Know what I
mean?
OTTO: Yes! We must get our hands on that schnitzel.
BARONESS: Nein! We must get our hands on das sauerbraten after we
have boarded der schnitzel. Our leader will not rest till we have it
in our hands.
OTTO: The sauerbraten.
BARONESS: Ya vohl. The secret sauerbraten. I mean, the secret
weapon. Sauerkraut is most anxious.
OTTO: Sauerkraut is anxious?
BARONESS: Ya, sauerkraut must get his hands on das sauerbraten.
OTTO: You mean . . . ?
BARONESS: I do.
BOTH: (Salute.) Heil!
BARONESS: The future of der pumpernickel depends on it.
OTTO: Der pumpernickel?
BARONESS: You're doing it again! (She slaps his ear.) Das Third
Reich!
OTTO: (Rubbing his ear.) Now, I see. Der future of der
pumpernickel, which is headed by de sauerkraut, depends on knowing
when de schnitzel containing das sauerbraten schleps to sea, ya?
BARONESS: Ya. You can say that again.
OTTO: Der future of der pumpernickel, which . . .
BARONESS: (Cutting him off.) Nein!
FRAU SCHNAPPS: (Enters. She is dressed more like a gypsy than a
housekeeper. She has a thin mustache.) You called, Baroness Von
Cobra?
BARONESS: Nein.
FRAU SCHNAPPS: I distinctly heard my name.
BARONESS: No one called your name, Frau Schnapps. Now go about your
rat catching!
FRAU SCHNAPPS: I'm finished with the rat catching, Madam.
BARONESS: Good. Feed them lots of cheese. I want them nice and
plump when I give them to Adolph.
OTTO: Heil!
BARONESS: Not that Adolph, dumkoph!
OTTO: Ah, you mean das snake Adolph.
BARONESS: Ya, das schnake Adolph. (Turning to FRAU SCHNAPPS.) Well?
Haven't you something to do?
FRAU SCHNAPPS: I'm making pretzels, Your Ingratiatingness.
BARONESS: I beg your pardon?
FRAU SCHNAPPS: Pretzels, Your Graciousness. I am making pretzels.
BARONESS: How charming. Go. And get a shave, Schnapps!
FRAU SCHNAPPS: I'm gone. (Exits.)
BARONESS: Now, where were we, Otto?
OTTO: Getting our hands on der sauerbraten for der sauerkraut after
we've boarded der schnitzel in order to save das pumpernickel.
BARONESS: Otto, it is best you watch your "ders" and your
"dases." We are in America and we should not vant to arouse
suspicion. Know vhat I mean?
OTTO: Oh, ya . . . but you . . .
BARONESS: (Cutting him off.) Do as I say. Not as I speak! Ah, yes.
Herr Hitler said . . .
OTTO: (Salutes.) Heil!
BARONESS: Heil! (A beat.) As I was saying, Herr Hitler . . .
OTTO: Heil!
BARONESS: Schtop it! Schtop it, schtop it, schtop it!
OTTO: Yes, Madam.
BARONESS: Now . . . where was I, Papschmier? (Mispronounces, as
always.)
OTTO: (About to correct her but thinks better of it. After a pause.)
You were saying, "Herr . . . Hitler . . . (He gets in a quick,
short, sotto voce, "Heil.") said . . ."
BARONESS: Ah, yes. Und vhat he said vas: we must find the man from
ASS.
OTTO: Ass, Madam?
BARONESS: Allied Secret Service. (She spells it out.) A-S-S.
OTTO: Ah, that kind of ass.
BARONESS: Dumkoph! We must get our hands on Dick Palmer. He is
ASS's top man. He knows where the secret weapon is hidden and he
knows vhen the submarine leaves port and vhere it is headed, and he
knows . . . he knows everything und ve know nothing! You must bring
him back to me for interrogation, if you know what I mean, dear Otto.
OTTO: Ya, Madam. I know exactly what you mean. I will go and get
Dick from ASS and bring him back for . . . interrogation.
BARONESS: And I will inject him with the secret truth serum made from
the venom of the king cobra.
OTTO: No dases or ders? What happened to your accent?
BARONESS: I listen to Jack Benny on der radio. Now. Your orders.
OTTO: I live to grovel, Baroness Von Cobra.
BARONESS: (Handing OTTO a slip of paper.) Of course. This is where
you vill find Agent Palmer tomorrow at noon where he vill be having
lunch, as he does every weekday, with his lady friend Velma Lombard.
Undershtood?
OTTO: (Falls to his knees.) Yes, I understand, my Baroness. Tomorrow
at noon I will invite Agent Palmer for a nice cup of tea and some
strudel. Then, after the strudel, the sauerkraut will have the last
laugh as the sauerbraten and the schnitzel hit der fan. Long live der
pumpernickel!
BARONESS: Wunderbar! And then I will inject him with the truth serum
of the king cobra.
OTTO: So you said, Madam.
BARONESS: It bears repeating.
OTTO: You make my life so delicious, Baroness. Could you kick me
once before I retire to my room . . . please?
BARONESS: Oh, how I spoil you, Herr Papschmier.
OTTO: Pap-sha-my-er.
BARONESS: Of course. (She kicks him.) And for correcting me you get
an extra kick. (She kicks him again.) Now go! And may your dreams be
filled with the scent of black boot leather. (OTTO gets up, bows,
backs out and exits. BARONESS VON COBRA returns to the short-wave
radio and speaks into the microphone.) So, as I was saying, Herr
Lipshitz, Papschmier left to fetch Palmer directly after breakfast
this morning. Shortly afterward our housekeeper, Frau Schnapps, came
stumbling in . . . (FRAU SCHNAPPS stumbles in.) . . . screaming
something about das tricks und das treats.
FRAU SCHNAPPS: Baroness Von Cobra! Tonight is Halloween and I
don't know what to give de trick-or-treaters.
BARONESS: Give them nothing. They are filthy, dirty, nasty, vile,
foul little beggars. I never begged for anything in my life. What I
got I got from honest, hard work. Halloween is just an excuse to
exploit the masses and to rot de teeth of de little children. If you
ask me, Frau Schnapps, Halloween was invented by a greedy, evil
dentist! (After a pause.) You still have not shaved, Schnapps. I gave
you an order!
FRAU SCHNAPPS: It is a beauty stash.
BARONESS: If one were to stretch ones imagination to such an
improbable degree I suppose one could call it that. Shave it anyway!
FRAU SCHNAPPS: Yes, Your High Horse.
BARONESS: What was that, Schnapps?
FRAU SCHNAPPS: Yes, Your Highness. I will shave my beauty stash.
Can I wait until tomorrow. I have so much to do today.
BARONESS: Like what?
FRAU SCHNAPPS: Well ... The pretzels. The strudel.
[end of extract]