The Odyssey of Odysseus by Kent Hobi
CHARACTERS:
Odysseus (played by [Person 1]): A hero whose epic voyage is plagued
by dangers.
Medusa (played by [Person 2]): A hideous monster whose face can turn
adventurers to stone.
Eurylochus (played by [Person 3]) and Polites (played by [Person 4]):
Two of Odysseus' "finest" men.
Narrator (played by [Person 5]): A dramatic yet punkish narrator.
Cerberus (played by [Person 2]): The guardian of the gate to and from
the Underworld.
Odysseus, Polites, and Eurylochus come onstage, in a cardboard boat.
Polites and Eurylochus are rowing with cardboard paddles, while
Odysseus is "standing lookout."
Odysseus (in rhythm): Row, row, row my boat. I said row-row-row my
boat. (Continues.)
Polites (in rhythm): Bail, bail, bail and sail. I said bail-bail-bail
and sail. (Continues.)
Eurylochus (in rhythm): Meow, meow. I'm a cow. I said meow-meow
I'm a cow. (Starts to continue, other two stop and look at him.)
Polites: Dude, seriously?
Eurylochus: What?
Narrator (coming onstage): And so, having been driven off course by
Aeolus' wind, we find our adventurers navigating their remaining
ships through uncharted waters!
Odysseus: We go wherever the wind may blow! Row, you suckas, row!
A giant (Person 2, standing on a chair) appears on the mountain ledge
and begins throwing boulders down into the water.
Narrator (overdramatically): Suddenly, a giant appears on the coastal
cliffs! The ships are under attack!
Polites (overdramatically): We're under attack!
Odysseus (overdramatically): He just said that!
Eurylochus (gets hit in the head with a cardboard "boulder" and
falls out of the boat): Man overboard!
Everybody but Narrator freezes mid-action.
Narrator: Hi, we are the "How-We're-Sure-it-Happened" group [or
insert group name] performing our first and final production, The
Odyssey of Odysseus. Redundant! Shocking! Breathtaking! And redundant!
Act One!
______________________________________________________________________
Frozen action unfreezes. Odysseus and men start screaming and giant
roars.
Polites: Eurylochus, hang on!
Odysseus: Oh no! There goes the Niña!
Polites: Oh! The Pinta!
Eurylochus (swimming behind the boat): Not the Santa Maria! We're
going to drown!
Odysseus (heroically): No we ain't! We can't quit now! Full speed
ahead! (twice the speed) Row, row, row my boat! I said row-row-row my
boat!
Polites (twice the speed): Bail, bail, bail and sail! I said
bail-bail-bail and sail!
Eurylochus: Swim, swim, swim with vim! I said swim-swim-swim with
vim!
Giant continues to chuck rocks at their boat until they are out
range.
Narrator: At last, the adventurers escape the perilous flying rocks
and make it to a rocky outcropping. Odysseus' ship alone has
survived the giant's onslaught and drifts into a lonely harbor.
Odysseus: Alright, Suckas! Let's drop anchor, find us a palace, and
feast!
Polites and Eurylochus: Yeargh!
Narrator: Unwarrily, the adventurers journey to the grand palace of
King Burger to gorge themselves on Whoppers. To their shock, instead
of a cashier, they find a stone statue of a cashier.
Polites (disgusted): Pff. Talk about bad customer service!
Eurylochus: Uh maybe they be, like, drive-through only?
Odysseus: Look! They have a statue for the grease guy too!
In awe, the adventurers enter Burger King's kitchen and begin to
explore.
Narrator: Adventurers! Beware! Danger looms at every corner!
Eurylochus: Dude, you're a narrator! Nobody cares what you think!
Polites: Yeah, sit down and—(gasps and freezes)
Medusa (offstage): Hehehe gotcha!
Eurylochus: Polites! No!
Odysseus (Covering Eurylochus' eyes): Don't look! Don't look her
in the eye! I'd know that sickly voice anywhere.
Enter Medusa.
Medusa (in a thick smoker's voice): Well, hello again, sweetie. Did
ya miss me?
Odysseus: Mi-miss you? Medusa, look at what you done! These people! My
friend! (To Polites) Oh come on sucka, don't be dead! Don't be
dying on me now!
Medusa: Yes, it's times like these you wish you hadn't taken your
friends for granite.
Eurylochus: Aw, come on dude! Not funny!
Medusa: Who you callin' a dude, there, sweetie?
Odysseus: We made a mistake in coming here. Quick, Eurylochus, grab
him and let's get out of this stinking place!
Odysseus and Eurylochus pick up the Polites statue and turn to leave.
Medusa: You two are so shy! You're friend here was boulder. Eh?
Boulder? Get it?
Eurylochus: Your puns are worse than [insert name, e.g. a
teacher?]'s!
Medusa (enraged): Now I take personal offense to that, sweetie! No
one's puns are that bad!
Eurylochus: Well your's are!
Medusa: Say that to my face!
Eurylochus starts to turn to "say that to her face." Odysseus
realizes what he's doing, drops Polites, and covers Eurylochus'
eyes.
Odysseus: Don't do it man! It's a trick!
Eurylochus: Whoa! She almost got me!
Odysseus (picking up Polites again): We gotta get us out of here real
quick-like!
Eurylochus: She do be blocking our exit, though.
Medusa: Of quartz I am.
Odysseus (in agony): Enough! I can't stand another rock pun!
Medusa: I think their pretty marbelous.
Odysseus: That's it! (Whips out pocket mirror.) Pocket mirror time,
sucka!
Narrator (sound effects): Biiing! Kssss!
Medusa: Noooo! (Freezes and falls to the ground, a statue. Odysseus
and Eurylochus stare in shock.) I'm dead.
Eurylochus: Well, that escalated quickly.
Odysseus: Come on, let's find this here guy some skin lotion or
somethin'.
They walk off, carrying Polites.
Narrator (very irritated): And thus, the adventurers learn that you
always, always listen to the third-person-narrator voice inside your
head!
Medusa (still face-down onstage): Hey man, little help?
Narrator: Right. Hold on.
Medusa (getting dragged offstage): Ow. Ow. Ow.
Narrator (popping back onstage): Act 2!
[End of Extract]