The Neo God Church by Dave Funderburgh
SCENE 1
AT RISE:
Dirk sets up a White Board on a tripod in the conference room
The office door opens and Mimi walks in
MIMI
Anybody home? I am a little early because my 4 o'clock cancelled on
me.
DIRK
(Walking from the conference room into the front office.)
MIMI BAXTER, come on in. Like the lettering on the door subtly
proclaims, I am indeed DIRK COSTELLO.
MIMI
How about we just shake hands, I am about all hugged out today.
DIRK
(Extending a hand and giving her a delicate shake)
Spoken like a true professional. I, myself, also try to avoid all of
this hugging and bonding. It isn't like you have just killed a Lion
and have been accepted into the tribe.
MIMI
Maybe we can start a new trend. I understand we will be having another
person join us.
DIRK
That's correct. We will be joined by RON CARDENAS, the Attorney
occupying the office suite on the top floor of this complex.
MIMI
I know who he is. I see him on the elevator every now and then.
DIRK
I retained him over a year ago to handle the legalities required to
set up this business and a couple of others.
(DIRK escorts MIMI into the conference room.)
Please be seated.
MIMI
Nice Digs. I assume this is a covert operation since you have nothing
but your name on the front door.
DIRK
Actually, I am a self funded Venture Capitalist. I prefer to seek out
my own deals through my network and contacts. I try to avoid "walk
in beggars" wanting to open a Pizza Parlor or Theme Restaurants. Ron
knows and I will immodestly tell you that I sold my DotCom business at
the peak of the frenzy.
MIMI
You are either very shrewd or very lucky.
DIRK
You are a smart lady. You know timing is everything in business. So,
I bailed out early and ended up with a boatload of cold cash.
MIMI
Ok, let's cut to the chase. I Googled you and I am sure you Googled
me. How and why did you select me and how do I fit in? You know I am
a consultant in Psychology, Marketing and Advertising. I am busy and
expensive and am very leery of start-ups.
DIRK
Please wait until Ron arrives and I will give you both the same pitch.
You may invest or decline. In that case, I will pay you a fair
hourly rate for your consulting time. I am not seeking charityI am
seeking results.
MIMI
I assume then that you picked me because I have an office in this
complex?
MIMI, RON and DIRK, just one big happy family an elevator ride apart.
DIRK
I am very observant. I would guess that you golf, play tennis, or
work out. We are in the same age group and I assume you get some of
the same aches and pains that I do. I will also speculate that you
are an Atheist or an Agnostic.
MIMI
You are partially correct but you could have found out a lot of this
by talking to friends, past employers, or ex-husbands. I don't buy
your keen sense of observation, Sherlock.
DIRK
Last week, I was having lunch at the Corner Café and noticed your
pretty face about 2 tables away. As you reached for the Menu, your
Magnetic Bracelet picked up some silverware. My ex-wife wore a
Magnetic Bracelet and also attracted knives and forks.
MIMI
So, we both wear a Magnetic Bracelet. What does that prove?
DIRK
It proves that you have aches and pains that conventional prayers
won't cure.
Pragmatists resort to things that work. Atheists and Agnostics are
fact driven and Magnetism has hundreds of thousands of disciples.
MIMI
Interesting theory. I suppose you then followed me back to my
office?
DIRK
No, after you signed your credit card, I just happened to wander by
and saw your bold MIMI BAXTER signature on the receipt. I thought I
had seen you in the lobby a couple of times. A quick check of the
Building Register led me to MB Consultants. Devious but effective.
MIMI
I don't know if I should be alarmed or flattered. This could be
construed as stalking.
DIRK
I appreciate your caution. However, most stalkers or stalkees
wouldn't agree to a business meeting attended by a third party.
Would seem to defeat the purpose.
MIMI
OK, makes sense. I will give you the time required to make your pitch
and then I am out of here. By the way, should I be worried that Ron
hasn't shown up yet?
DIRK
No, but it is 5. Let me give him a call.
(As DIRK reached for the phone, the door bangs open and RON
barges in, wearing a suit and carrying a brief case)
RON
Sorry I am late but I was tied up with a hare-lipped client and we had
a slight communication problem. This is the honest truth DIRK, so
please skip the rabbit jokes.
(nodding to MIMI)
By the way, I am RON CARDENAS, the Attorney.
MIMI
And I am MIMI BAXTER, the Huckster.
DIRK
I just love quick introductions. Can I build anybody a drink or
offer a glass of Chardonnay before we start?
MIMI
You can skip the California Kool-AidI'll have a Bourbon on the
rocks.
RON
Thank you, DIRK. I will join you in our usual Scotch and Soda.
DIRK
RON, grab a seat at the conference table and I will be in with the
drinks.
(DIRK returns with the drinks and plops into a chair)
DIRK
First, let me tell you why I invited you. Very simple logic. MIMI
wears a Magnetic Bracelet. RON, last month, I noticed that you wear a
Copper and Magnetic Bracelet. It is the exact same model that I
wear.
(Holds out his right hand to show his Magnetic Bracelet.)
MIMI
Ooh, sounds scary. Should we move farther apart so we don't slam
into one another like they do on the Starship Enterprise?
DIRK
Cute but off subject, MIMI.
DIRK
The answer to my next question will determine if we continue this
meeting or we all go home. It isn't quite as dramatic as Clint
Eastwood's' How about it PunkDo you feel lucky?' However, I
need an honest reply.
MIMI
Sock it to me. I haven't gotten lucky in quite awhile.
DIRK
MIMI, do you feel better since you started wearing your Magnetic
Bracelet? I mean, do you have less aches and pains in your arms, legs,
thighs, back, or neck?
MIMI
Yes, I never tell anybody but my Tennis elbow pain disappeared. I am
also back to swimming laps with no back pain. I couldn't believe a
Magnetic Bracelet could replace pills.
DIRK
RON, same question.
RON
. I now golf on the weekends and work out at the gym with no aches or
pains. It could be the Magnets or it could simply be a coincidence.
It might also be attributed to the Placebo Effect.
MIMI
How about you, DIRK? Do you have any miraculous stories about
Magnetic healing you would like to share with us?
DIRK
(Suddenly jumping up on the table and shouting.)
ARE YOU WITH ME? THE 4 OF US, THE MAGNETIC QUARTET, WILL ESTABLISH A
NEW AND MODERN RELIGION! JOIN THE CAUSE! CALL THIS NUMBER NOW!
(MIMI and RON watch in stunned disbelief as DIRK calmly
climbs down from the table and returns to his chair.)
DIRK
I learned that trick while watching an illiterate Evangelist on TV. I
might add that he grosses 300 million a year and has 100 people
opening the mail every day and banking the contributions. He is just
one of the many fleecing the flock.
RON
Whew, quite a performance! I am just a little unsettled. How about
more details and less dancing and preaching from the table?
DIRK
Before I continue, RON, I will tell you I need your Legal expertise in
setting up a California Religious Corporation. MIMI, I need you to
Market and sell this concept and products.
MIMI
I guess I also need more info. What type of Religion would this be and
whom or what would we worship? Where is the business plan? You are a
Venture Capitalistshow us an Org Chart, Cost and Revenue
Projections!
Is This a Public or Private Offering?
RON
Well said, MIMI. Dirk, I know you are smart, experienced in business
and very wealthy. However, you seem to be obsessed with Magnets and I
don't
quite see how everything fits together. A Religious Corporation, even
in California, has to have something to do with a Religion.
DIRK
Fair question. Let me first read you a quote from an article in the
May 1980 Reader's Digest.
'Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wants to
make a million, the best way would be to start his own Religion.'
MIMI
I assume we should know this writer by reputation?
DIRK
That Science/Fiction writer was L. Ron Hubbard. He did gain fame as
the founder of Dianetics AKA The Church of Scientology. He did quit
writing for a penny a word and he did make a million in Religion.
RON
So, you are serious about starting a different Religion utilizing some
type of Magnetic concept? You got money coming out the Ying-Yang, why
do you need investors?
DIRK
You are right. I don't need your money. I do need your expertise in
legal matters. You are also a Bi-lingual, well known Hispanic. The
2000 census showed the Hispanic population at 12.5 % of the total and
gaining.
MIMI
You don't miss much do you DIRK? I know now that you chose me
because I complete the gender/race profile. Your Church, whatever it
is, will have a WASP, a woman, and a Bi-lingual Hispanic male.
DIRK
Let me advise you that the same census showed Black/African-Americans
coming in at 12.3 % of the total population. This is one of the
reasons that my old Fraternity brother, JIM ARMSTRONG, will be joining
the group.
RON
As a practicing minority, I am amazed that you had African-Americans
in your Fraternity. I thought they were all Lily White 30 years ago.
DIRK
I sponsored JIM, thwarted a Redneck Rebellion, and he was voted in.
MIMI
I am touched and heartened to discover you have a lot of character
under that pile of money.
DIRK
Don't give any awards yet. I need JIM because he is a Medical
Doctor.
He isn't here tonight because he is on a 30 day Mission working with
children in a dangerous part of Africa. I wouldn't go there with
armed guards.
MIMI
When will he be back and join the group?
DIRK
Late next month. However, I am his proxy. If you two agree to join
this operation, I will assign jobs, timelines and prepare for an
immediate launch.
It appears as if you have covered all of the angles. I just wonder
why you don't hire us instead of wanting us as investors
Dirk
Very simpleowners work their ass off. Employees work your ass off.
Been there, done that.
MIMI
DIRK, I guess I under estimated you. I will confess you seem to be a
lot smarter now then when I first walked in.
DIRK
Thank you MIMI. I would like to remind you that I didn't get to be
incredible rich by playing Guitar and spouting bad Poetry in a Coffee
House.
RON
Financially, I am doing very well right now but I soon will have 4
kids in college and grad school at the same time. I would have to
retain my practice and allocate 20% of my time to you. How much
investment are we talking about?
DIRK
You and MIMI can buy in for 25 grand apiece. This will give us the
capital to rent a building, buy some equipment and inventory. We will
also have to do research and run some demographics. Hello, Marketing
MIMI!
MIMI
I don't want to start out as the cranky Bitch with PMS but what the
Hell are we are talking about Marketing and Selling. Is it bigger
than a bread box?
Is it a legal product? Your presentation, so far, is sadly lacking in
details.
DIRK
I do apologize. I should have given you a full disclosure earlier.
RON
I fully agree. Please give us the complete picture. I am not going
to drop 25 big ones unless I have some assurance that this Religion
Business will succeed.
DIRK
On the Island of Crete many years ago, a Shepard named Magneses,
discovered that the Iron nails in his sandals stuck to the ground. He
had discovered Lodestone, Hematite, or some Ferrite magnetized by
Lightening strikes or other causes.
RON
I know this turned out to be a significant scientific find.
DIRK
I think it had more influence on history than Jesus Christ.
Lodestones, shaped like a bar, had a North and South Pole and would
point to true Magnetic North. Arabs used them to traverse the Gobi
desert. Mariners used them to navigate the world. Man now had a
working compass.
MIMI
Could you tell us just how all of this ties into our current
situation? I don't
really know any more now then when I first walked in.
DIRK
MIMI, you are just going to have to cool your jets. If you don't
have the facts, then you can't make an informed decision. Give me
15 minutes you won't be bored.
MIMI
My going hourly rate will cost you another Bourbon and Water. I also
promise not to interrupt. But, I reserve the right to ask questions.
DIRK
(Collecting the 3 glasses and heading to the bar.)
Sounds like a Hell of a deal. Let me freshen these up and get through
the nuts and bolts part of the meeting.
RON
You don't have to hurry on my account. Remember, I am a Lawyer and
used to listening to hours of long winded presentations.
DIRK
(Returning with a tray of drinks and setting it on the table.)
Thanks for the less than sincere encouragement RON. But, I do
appreciate your patience. This is very important to me and all of the
people it will help.
(MIMI and RON each retrieve their drinks and settle back into the
plush chairs.)
DIRK
Let's take a 5 minute break. I apologize but I have to make a quick
phone call of some importance.
(DIRK walks quickly into the other office.)
(RON takes a yellow legal pad from his brief case and jots down
several entries.)
END OF SCENE 1
[end of extract]