The Last, Last, Last, Last Will by Jane Baker with Sandy Klein

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This Play is the copyright of the Author and must not be Performed, Copied or Sold without the Author's prior consent

THE LAST, LAST, LAST, LAST WILL
Written by
Jane Baker with Sandy Klein

First performed at New England Youth Theater July 2011
Lady Marion Kind….....................Chaya Holch
Lord Nottolong….......................Elias Martel
Lady Bea Plottin….....................Allie Stamler
Lord Barron Fields…...................Elijah Taylor
Lady Lilac Fields…....................Asha DiMatteo-LaPape Shelby
Mann…..........................Harper Baldwin
Mr. Holden Tite…......................Jack Baker
Miss Imma Stirin….....................Charlotte Cramer Mrs.
Spiff…...........................Rachel Spence Mr. Matt
Wallkon….....................Bryant Ford Mr.G.
Ameshow…........................Gable Rak
Vanna Banana….........................Mavis Leigh Eaton
Mr.Dullard…...........................Daniel Jaro Eldron
Pardo….........................Kobi Jaro Jeffery
Suite…........................Elias Martel Madame
Seer…..........................Daniel Jaro Madame Reed
Mines…....................Charlotte Cramer Winston Speckly
Gatewood….............Taylor Patno

Lady Marion Kind:
Daughter of Lord Nottoolong assumed heir to estate and fortune.
Independent young lady in her early 20's.

Lord Nottolong: Lord and master of the estate. Lady Nottolong's
father, dies in first scene. Actor can later Commercial Spokesperson
Jeffrey Suite.

Lady Bea Plottin:
Lady Marion's best friend.

Lord Barron Fields:
Lady Marion's uncle. A stuffed shirt who cares only for monetary
gain.

Lady Lilac Fields:
Lady Marion's Aunt. Dressed in the height of 1900s fashion. Dotes on
her husband.

Shelby Mann:
Lady's maid to Marion. Also LORD LORDLY CHAIR.

Mr. Holden Tite: Lawyer who is overseeing will and estate. Kind and
intelligent.

Miss Imma Stirin:
The cook. Also MADAME REEDMINS.

Mrs. Spiff:
The elderly housemaid. Well intentioned but a regular non- sequitor
issuer.

Mr. Matt Wallkon: Butler

Mr.G. Ameshow:
Unbiased, invited judge for contest. (Anachronistc)
Typical 1970's game show personality.

Vanna Banana:
1970's Overzealous gameshow hostess with a perpetual amd sparkling
smile.

Mr.Dullard:
Lord Barron's butler. Completely deadpan.
Also plays MADAME SEER.

Eldron Pardo:
Commercial spokesperson.

Jeffery Suite:
Commercial spokesperson.

Madame Seer:
Impostor fortune teller.

Madame Reed Mines:
Second impostor fortune teller.

Winston Speckly Gatewood: Mastercraft theatre spokesperson.

Scene: The estate of Lord Nottolong.

Time: In the time of Lords, Ladies and Butlers.
ACT I
Lights come up on Masterpiece theater type set-up.

WINSTON SPECKLY GATEWOOD: Good Evening and welcome to Mastercraft
theater, I'm Winston Speckly Gatewood, your host. Welcome to our
presentation of
one of Stern Goulds most beloved period pieces, 'The Last Last Last
Last Will.' An epic drama jampacked with brilliant characters that
have dialogue, costumes, sets and theatrical lighting. Sit back and
enjoy, MasterCraft Theaters 'The Last, Last, Last, Last, Will.'

SCENE ONE

Curtain opens on Lady Marion Kind at the side of her father. He is
obviously ill and she holds his hand.

LORD NOTTOOLONG
Oh my dear, my one wish is that you
do not have to endure the pain of seeing me linger…
He dies.
Lady Marion looks at the audience, shrugs shoulders. Curtain closes.

COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCEMENT
Commercials take place downstage in front of curtain or in special.

ELDRON PARDO
Are you looking for a rational
garment for men?

(Jeffery enters wearing suit)

Try our Union Suits for Ease and comfort and you will wonder why you
did not wear them before. Our Men's Union or Combination Suits Fit.

JEFFERY SUITE
They are carefully and scientifically proportioned.

ELDRON PARDO
We offer for your consideration
only those suits that will fit!

JEFFERY SUITE
That FIT!

ELDRON PARDO
And we warrant them to be satisfactory in every particular! These fine
garments are priced at .80 each or 9.60 per dozen.

JEFFERY SUITE
If by mail, postage extra, each, 24 cents.

SCENE TWO

DINING ROOM

Lady Marion is the last to be seated in the dining room as Mr. Holden
Tite, a Barrister begins to read the will. In attendance is the best
friend of Lady Marion, Lady Bea. The late Lord Nottoolong's brother
Lord Barron Fields and his wife Lady Lilac. The two maids and butler
and cook stand ready to see to anyone's needs.

MR. HOLDEN TITE
Before I read this will, I do wish to express my heartfelt sorrow at
the loss of Lord Nottoolong. I came to know him several years ago and
I considered him a friend and it was my honor to see to his affairs.

LORD BARRON FIELDS
Do get on with it, Mr. Tite! I must travel back today so let's not
dilly dally.

LADY MARION
What my uncle surely meant, Mr. Tite, was to acknowledge your
expression of sympathy and to state our gratitude for you service to
my father, isn't it Uncle?

LORD BARRON FIELDS
Oh fine, yes of course. Now, read please.

LADY LILAC FIELDS
Yes, we do have a 'shedyule' to keep!

MRS. SPIFF
Oh I bet you do, a 'shed-ule' a 'shed-ule!'

(Everyone looks at Mrs. Spiff, considers the source, carries on.)

MR. HOLDEN TITE
Indeed I shall. 'I Lord Nottoolong, being of sound mind and failing
body, do hereby leave all of my worldly possessions including money,
estate and land to my beautiful and loving daughter Marion. However,
if she is unmarried at the time of my death and is still unmarried a
week thereafter, I leave everything to my dear brother Lord Barron
Fields and trust him to take care of my Marion.'

(Servants look at each other, none to pleased.)

LADY MARION
No! That cannot be!

LORD BARRON FIELDS
(In delight)
Well, how unexpected.

LADY MARION
And unacceptable!

MRS. SPIFF
Well skippy john done gone missing!

(Again, a look at Mrs. Spiff, then dismissed.)

LORD BARRON FIELDS
(Motioning to the butler)
Mr. Wallkon, please send a message to my estate and have my butler Mr.
Dullard come at once.

LADY LILAC FIELDS
And have him bring me my essentials.

MR. HOLDEN TITE
Lady Marion, I am so sorry, but these were your father's wishes. He
was worried about you.

LADY MARION
Excuse me, I need to retire to my room. I am feeling…unwell.

MR. HOLDEN TITE
I understand.

LORD BARRON FIELDS
I don't.

LADY LILAC FIELDS
Well, how ungrateful. Your Uncle has other things to do than to take
on your welfare! You don't see him escaping to his room to brood.

LADY MARION
Thank you, Aunt Lilac. I will try to think of ways to show my
appreciation, in my room! Lady Bea, come with me please.

LADY BEA
Of course.

(As Lady Marion exits Holden catches her arm turns her toward him and
a quiet moment is established for the following line)

MR. HOLDEN TITE
I will remain here at the estate until the specifics are worked out,
Lady Marion. Again, I am so sorry.

(Lady Marion and Lady Bea exit.)

COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

ELDRON PARDO
Oh how I love Chafe Frees!

JEFFERY SUITE
Yes? I'm Jeffery!

ELDRON PARDO
No, not Jeffrey, CHAFE FREE.

JEFFERY SUITE
Oh, the product every fox hunt
participant must have.

ELDRON PARDO
Too true, are you tired of the chaffing brought on by an untimely
downpour whilst hunting the fox?

JEFFERY SUITE
All too often Eldron!

ELDRON PARDO
Well suffer no more, these handy cloth strips attach to the more
sensitive parts, show them Jeffrey!

(Jeffrey models the pants shows the strips inside)

JEFFERY SUITE
I feel as good as I look!

ELDRON PARDO
And it's back to the hunt!

Lights come up on Masterpiece theater set.

WINSTON SPECKLY GATEWOOD
Welcome back! Well as you well know, Lady Marion has had quite a
shock. Now a charge of the brutish Lord Barron Fields, Marion has seen
her fate take a most unpleasant turn. We now return to Mastercraft's
production of The Last Last Last Last Will.

SCENE THREE

(Lady Marion's room. Marion enters followed by Lady Bea and Shelby
Mann. Shelby moves upstage and busies herself with cleaning the
hearth.)

LADY MARION
Bea, I just can not tolerate these conditions. I will leave this home
before I become the ward of Uncle Barron!

LADY BEA
And where would you go Marion? Try to calm down.

SHELBY MANN
(From upstage still tending to the hearth)
If you leave, Lady Marion, I will go with you.

LADY MARION
Thank you, Shelby! But how can I
calm down? Uncle Barron and my, hideous Aunt will rule over me unless
I marry in a weeks time.

LADY BEA
If only there were a man you could marry.

LADY MARION
Are you mad? Just find a man and marry?

LADY BEA
Well that's your problem, Marion, you are too picky! What was wrong
with Lord Ronald?

LADY MARION
Too weaselly!

LADY BEA
Lord Potter?

LADY MARION
Too hairy!

LADY BEA
Lord Black?

LADY MARION
Too serious!

LADY BEA
You are impossible!

LADY MARION
Perhaps I am, but I will marry for love and love can not be given a
deadline!

LADY BEA
What if we had a man we could pretend you will wed?

LADY MARION
Oh and where would we find such a man, one that would be willing to go
along with a scheme such as this?

LADY BEA
I don't know! I don't know that it has to be a great man, or a
brilliant man…

(Shelby Mann makes a commotion behind them and some smoke rises. She
coughs. Shelby Mann turns to them and stares, she has soot below her
nose reminiscent of a mustache.)

LADY BEA
(EUREKA MOMENT)
I don't even know if it needs to be a man at all!

(Lady Bea and Lady Marion look at Shelby. Shelby looks confused. The
two ladies look at each other and smile, walk to both sides of Shelby
Mann and lights fade.)

[end of extract]

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