The Happy Postman by Patricia Crosthwaite

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This Play is the copyright of the Author and may not be performed, copied or sold without the Author's prior consent

ACT I

Scene I : Stage

(In front of curtain, spotlight on the centre of the stage. Nothing
happens for a few seconds. Bella Fimp who is sat hidden on a chair
within the audience, with a long coat covering her costume, realises
it's her time to speak. Flaps a bit and mumbles to herself as she
goes up on stage. She takes off her coat and goes into character.)

BELLA: Welcome to our panto,
Hello to you and you,
Exits are here and here (pointing to exits),
And through there is the loo.

My name is Bella Fimp,
I'm here to tell the tale,
About a happy postman,
Who delivers all our mail.

So (big breath), once upon a pantomime,
Just after it had snowed,
A very happy postman,
Had a very heavy load.

(Bella points to curtains as she exits stage right).

Scene II Post office

(Curtains open with full lights and Postman is sat at a desk.)

Music 1

(Postman is sat at a desk sorting his mail as the music starts.
Children chorus dance on carrying letters/parcels and stay on stage.)

(After Music 1 stops, there is a Knock on the door and Princess Lilly
enters.)

PRINCESS : Good morning Mr Postman, how are you today?

POSTMAN : (Bowing low) Very well thank you, your Princessness, thanks
for asking (bumbling). Is there(stutter) is there something, erm I
can do for you?

PRINCESS : Yes please Mr Postman. It will be my birthday in a few
days, and I have these invitations to my party that I would like you
to deliver.

KIDS : (Mumble to one another about there being a party etc.)

POSTMAN : Oooo a party, how nice, hmmm how nice.

PRINCESS : Thank you, shall I leave them here?

POSTMAN : Oh, sorry, erm yes, I'll take them.

(Princess hands the invitations to the Postman who puts them down on
table.)

PRINCESS : Well then thank you again, I'll be off, bye for now.

(Princess Lilly exits.)

(Enter Simple Simon. Children chorus are chatting when Simple Simon
comes on stage.)

SIMON : Hi Mr Posty was that Princess Lilly leaving?

KID 1 : Of course it was Simon.

KID 2 : Who else is as pretty as she is?

KID 3 : And who else has such beautiful clothes?

KID 4 : And who else is loved by everyone?

KID 5 : Yes she's soooo nice.

POSTMAN : Yes Simon, it was Princess Lilly, she's having a birthday
party and she wants me to deliver her invitations (points to
invitations).

SIMON : Wow, there's a lot.

POSTMAN : (Picks up the pile and reads the first one) There is yes,
there's one for Jillendra.

(Children all look scared and mumble to each other.)

SIMON : Ooooo has she got an invite?

(Enter stage left Jillendra, not seen by those on stage, in a
spotlight.)

SIMON : Is that the first on the pile?

POSTMAN : Yes, listen. There is; (says the names as he reads them from
the invitations) Cecil, Miss Pincushion, Miss Singsong, Nanny, Mary
Mary, Simon, Dora, the new cook.

SIMON : Wow, that sounds like everyone's invited. It's going to
be such fun. Hey I've got a funny for you. (Simon then moves his
right hand in circles) What's this?

POSTMAN :I don't know, what is that?

SIMON : I don't know, but I've got another one (moves his left
hand in circles copying the right hand movement earlier. Laughs.)

KID 1 : (Shakes head at Simon and smiles) Oh Simon.

KID 2 : Come on let's go.

KID 3 : Bye Mr Posty.

KID 4 : Bye everyone.

(Kids exit stage and the curtains close behind them.)

Scene III - Stage

(Jillendra enters in front of curtain with a spotlight on her.)

JILLENDRA : So, everyone's invited are they? Well that's not true
is it? Why? Because I didn't hear my name on any of those
envelopes, so I'm not invited. Well that's a big mistake, little
miss Princess Lilly will be sorry she's made. I remember being left
out once before. It was a christening that time, I was so cross I put
them all to sleep. (Evil laugh.) They'd had stayed that way too if
that flippin' Prince hadn't come along and broke the spell. So
what can I do to teach them a lesson this time? Hmmm, I'll mess up
all the post. (Evil laugh.) Oh this is going to be so much fun.
(Lifts arms to do a spell)
Make the parcels go astray,
So I can have my own way (Laughs.)
Now where is that stupid daughter of mine (shouts off stage) Lotty,
Lotty.

(Jillendra exits stage left.)

(Enter Bella Fimp stage right reading a book.)

BELLA : So now our panto's started,
I hope you follow the plot,
If not, I'm here to help you,
Ohhh this rhyming lark is rot.

In fact, I'm not doing it anymore. I'll keep bobbing in, don't
worry. Bye kids.
(Bella goes back to reading her book and exits stage right.)

Scene IV - Castle

(Curtains open to Princess Lilly, Lotty and Nanny on stage.)

PRINCESS : Oh Lotty I'm so excited. My birthday party is going to
be so much fun. Mummy has sent new fabric and designs to Miss
Pincushion to make my new party dress.

LOTTY : Oh how lovely, are you having a birthday cake?

PRINCESS : Of course, mummy has sent for a new cook, especially to
make my cake.

LOTTY : Really? What about party decorations and flowers?

PRINCESS : We have Mary Mary for my flowers and mummy has asked her
chief party organiser, Cecil, to do something special. She says a
girl is only a sweet 16 once.

NANNY : (Abruptly) Now, don't show off it isn't very ladylike is
it?

PRINCESS : Sorry Nanny, I'm just so excited.

NANNY : You're also very spoilt. Your mother, the Queen, gives you
anything you ask for. It's a wonder you're not a horrid little
girl. But no dear, you're a lovely young lady.

LOTTY : You are lucky though Lilly, you can have anything you want.
All I've ever wanted is a pet of my own.

NANNY : Really dear what sort of pet?

LOTTY : Anything really, a kitten to play with.

PRINCESS : A bird to talk to?

(Lotty nods her head.)

NANNY : What about a dog?

LOTTY : Oh yes I'd love a dog.

PRINCESS : Maybe your mother would buy you one.

LOTTY : Mother, never. She hates animals.

NANNY : Oh Lotty dear, I'm sure if she knew how much you'd like
one, she may consider getting you one. There are lots of dogs for
sale.

(Children chorus come onto stage to sing song with those still on
stage.)

Song 1

(After song ends the children exit).

JILLENDRA : (Off stage shouting) Lotty, lotty, where are you, you
stupid girl? No wonder we call you dotty Lotty.

LOTTY : (Panicking) Oh no that's mother, I must go.

(Lotty rushes off stage left.)

NANNY &PRINCESS : (Shout after Lotty) Bye Lotty.

NANNY : What a shame, such a sweet young girl like Lotty having such a
wicked mother.

(Queen enters stage left.)

QUEEN : (Sweetly and silly) Hello girls. I've been looking for
you. Oooo such fun dears, such fun. I've called Cecil, the party
organiser, the new cook, Mary Mary and Miss Singsong. (To Princess)
That's the lady that's organising your entertainment. They should
all be here. Nanny could you send them in please?

(Queen is fussing around Princess and then sits down on her thrown.)

NANNY : Of course your majesty.

(Nanny exits stage left.)

QUEEN : Oooo Lilly, I doooo soooo loooove a party (claps hands
together giddily).

(Enter Nanny, Cecil, Mary Mary and Miss Singsong stage left).

CECIL : (Very camp and over the top) Your majesty I have some
wonderful ideas. I see flowers, balloons, ribbons. Princess, this
party is going to be a majestic masquerade ball and it will be a
delight. However, I haven't received any of your instructions yet,
I thought you'd sent them by post? (Flustered and fanning himself
with a hanky) I need to be organised, timing dear timing.

QUEEN : (Getting flustered with Cecil) Oh Cecil, Cecil I have sent
them through the postman so you should get them soon.

(Enter Dame BonnyBuns at the back of the hall with bags and cases,
comes through centre of hall coming towards stage.)

DAME : Yoohoo, you're Royalness. (To audience) Hiya kids, mums,
dads, grannies (ad-lib here greeting people, sitting on men's knees
etc in audience). Sorry I'm late the traffic on [local road] is a
nightmare. All those workmen, men everywhere, oh I do like men, ooo
it could rain men for me.

Music 2

(Dance routine to the music, older chorus girls at back all
characters on stage join in, Dame dances into audience. After music
stops the chorus girls exit stage.)

(Defur enters at back of hall and barks loudly as it bounds up through
audience and onto the stage.)

DAME : (Trying to catch the dog) Defur, Defur sit, stay (ad lib to
get dog to sit still.)

NANNY : That's an unusual name, where did you get that from?

DAME : D for Dog defur, get it? (Laughs at own joke.)

NANNY : Your majesty, I think this must be your new baker.

DAME : Yes luv, here I am, Dame Bonnybuns at your service. (To Cecil)
Who are you then?

CECIL : Cecil. I'm her Royal Highnesses party organiser, in charge
of design, décor, colour (gets interrupted.)

NANNY : (Interrupting Cecil speaking) This is Mary Mary (points to
her), she will be doing the flowers.

DAME : Oh I know a rhyme about her; Mary Mary quite contrary how does
your garden grow? With silver bells and cockle shells, oh look Cecil
you've got a crow. (Points at Cecil's nose. Laughs and says to
audience) Oooo a big bogey. (Cecil gets his hanky out and Dame pinches
it, waving it at him, Cecil tries to get it and Dame pulls it away etc
finally hands hanky to Cecil.) Please to meet you, we've lots
to do, so let's get this party started. Where are my recipes and
ingredients?

SINGSONG : That's a problem. None of our post seems to have arrived
so we have nothing yet.

QUEEN : Oh dear, oh dear, (flustered) what a mess.

CECIL : Never mind your Highness, I'll sort it out. Come along. (To
Dame) I'll show you to where you are staying, walk this way.

Music 3

(Cecil walks off stage doing a funny walk. All cast walk off in a
line behind each other copying Cecil's funny walk. Then curtains
close.)

Scene V - Stage

(Enter Simple Simon in front of curtain.)

SIMON : (To audience) Hiya, my name is Simple Simon, so whenever I
come on I want you to shout "Hiya Simple Simon". Can you do that?
Then let's try it (goes off and comes back on stage, waits for
audience to answer, do it a couple of times until happy they are loud
enough). I've got a funny for you, are you ready?
What did the sea say to the sand?
Not much, it just waved (waves hand and laughs at own joke.)
Do you get it? (Laughing.)

(Enter Dopy Dora stage right.)

DORA: Hiya Simon. Have you heard about Mr Posty, all his mail is
messed up?

SIMON : Oh do you mean, "his mixed up mail is in a mess, or his
messed up mail is in a mix?" (To audience) Do you get it, his mixed
up mail is in a mess? (Laughs) Get it?

DORA &SIMON : See you all later, bye.

(Both exit stage left.)

(Enter Jillendra, stage right in front of curtain.)

JILLENDRA : Good it's started. I'll make sure I mess up this
party. (Shouts) Lotty, Lotty.

(Lotty enters stage right, in a rush.)

LOTTY : Yes mother.

JILLENDRA : Where have you been girl, I've been calling you?

LOTTY : Sorry mother, I was with my friend Princess Lilly, we were
talking about the party.

JILLENDRA : Friend, (loudly) friend, are you that stupid? Do you
really believe that stuck up girl is your friend?

LOTTY : But, but.

JILLENDRA : Don't but me girl, I need you to go and see if Mr Posty
has delivered any mail. (Shouts) Go now!

(Both exit stage right.)

(Enter Postman stage left in front of curtain.)

POSTMAN : Oh dear I don't understand what's happening (pause), my
head is all muzzy. I do hope I haven't made any mistakes.

(Postman sits down at side of stage and watches couples walk by all
romantic as music plays.)

Music 4

(As music plays, chorus couples walk passed Postman, they are all
romantic, holding hands and gazing into each others eyes then exit.
The Postman looks sad and sighs. Lotty enters side of stage and just
watches Postman being sad, then leaves the stage without anyone
noticing.)

POSTMAN : Oh how I'd like a lady friend to walk with, talk with, or
maybe even (shyly) marry. (Big sigh) Oh well I must get on with my
deliveries.

(Postman exits stage left).

[end of extract]

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