The Booby Prize by Lizzie Czerner
FADE UP on a bus stop in Hell's Kitchen - a busy and somewhat seedy
neighborhood in mid-town Manhattan
Passing cars are heard, and a single street lamp lights the dark street
The time is midnight
TINA, a 30 year-old woman, is dressed in a revealing party dress,
covered by a shawl. She sits on a bench at the bus stop, peering
through a pair of binoculars
She is looking directly at the audience
TINA: Keep it moving, people. Nothing to see here. (Pause) Just a
woman with binoculars talking to strangers at a bus stop. Ok, so
maybe there is something to see here. Well, I suppose I could tell
you that I'm stargazing, or bird watching, or some other activity
they don't commit people for But sadly, that wouldn't be true.
I can explain though. You see, this is a love story! Thank you.
Clearly. I mean, what part of a woman peering into a man's
apartment at midnight doesn't scream "love story"? Ok, maybe
it's not the kind of love story that becomes a movie starring Anne
Hathaway. Maybe it's more of a cautionary after school special
featuring Anne Heche. I see you judging. But there's something you
should know before you do. Love stories lie. Yeah. I'm sorry to
be the one to break it to you, but in real life, people don't just
ride off into the sunset together. No. In real life, very often, one
person just wants the sex. True story. And that might make the other
person a little insecure. Or even emotionally unhinged. I'm
speaking hypothetically here. Well, then it's no longer a love
story is it? No. Now it's just something embarrassing nobody wants
to talk about particularly to a judge. But my story could still
have a happy ending. Provided the man in Apartment 10-F doesn't
find out about this little binoculars incident. Look. I know it may
not be obvious at this moment, but I really do have a lot to offer
someone. You see, I've been working on ME. Yes, therapy's
involved. You could act a little surprised. Anyway, I think it's
really paying off. Doctor Steinbaum says, "Every humiliating
experience is a chance to build character" and I have a fuckwad
of character! Here's the thing, though. No matter how much
character I have, or how amazing my personality is, men can't seem
to see it because it remains hidden
TINA casts off her shawl.
TINA: Behind THESE. They steal all the attention! Well, let's face
facts. Men are simple. They base everything on first impressions
and wherever I go, the girls arrive first. They're always one step
ahead of me! Oh, sure, I've tried fighting them for the spotlight,
but what's the use? It's like living in the shadow of famous
siblings. Meet Kim, Kloe (points to her face) ... and the other
Kardashian slut nobody remembers. Maybe if I'd developed gradually
like most girls, my life would have been different. But when 8th grade
hit, I suddenly became the star of a new sitcom: "My Three Heads".
TINA'S MOTHER appears in the kitchen of TINA's childhood home.
TINA'S MOTHER: Good heavens! Well, I can see that my little baby
is growing up and blossoming into quite the flower. Flower? What am
I saying? Honey, with those knockers, you are the entire rose parade!
I must say I'm not too surprised though, considering all the
hormones they put in the chicken nowadays, I mean I tell ya but
well it's certainly nothing to cry about, Sweetheart. Gosh no.
Wipe those tears, 'cause boobs make ya popular! I myself was quite
popular, goodness knows. In fact, it's a miracle I didn't get
pregnant at prom what with all the boys who wanted to well, you
don't need to hear that story. I will tell you this, though Your
father has always loved my giant bazooms. Why, when you were a tiny
baby, I used to take them out for you to suckle on, and Roger would
turn to me and say, "Hey, when is it my turn?" And we'd laugh
and laugh. And the restaurant patrons would laugh and laugh. And the
kitchen staff with their faces all pressed to the glass would cry out
"Nosotros tambien", and we'd all laugh and laugh. Oh, ya. Those
were real good times.
YOUNG TINA: Ewww, mom. Disgust-o. It's not fair. Yesterday, I was
normal. I was wearing a training bra just like all the other girls.
But now they're done training. Look at them They're ready for
the freaking Olympics! I am not being overly dramatic. Ok? Today I
literally died! Time of social death: Two p.m. Location: Our Lady
of the Holy Virgin Junior High School auditorium.
YOUNG TINA dances ballet, clumsily.
YOUNG TINA: My ballet class was doing a dance recital in front of the
entire school. Plié, relevé, pas de bourree I notice I'm
bouncing a bit more than the other girls, and I hear snickering from
the crowd. Then comes the grand finale. And just as Renénée lifts
me over his head, someone shouts out, "I feel like I died and went
to Hooters!" Ack! And everyone starts laughing. That's when my
ballet teacher pulls me off stage and wraps me in an ace bandage,
binding my breasts like geisha feet. Since that moment I have been
nothing but a school joke. I can't even run down the hallway without
someone yelling, "Keep your eye on the bouncing balls!" And now
some creep named Bret keeps following me around with a sketchpad.
I'm rumored to be naked in those drawings and I'm told he holds
viewings in the parking lot. Mom, I'm staying home from school
tomorrow, since I seem to be coming down with Elephantiasis. UGH. I
can't deal with reality anymore. TV, take me away!
She flips the TV on.
YOUNG TINA: Ooh, Baywatch! (Excitement fades) Wow. I never noticed
it before, but this is really just a show about cleavage running.
She changes the channel.
YOUNG TINA: Three's Company! Oh, that wacky Chrissy she's
dumb as a post, but her breasts are gigantic so it makes up for it.
What a great role model!
She changes the channel again.
YOUNG TINA: Ahhh Finally. Here's a good one. The Golden Girls.
See? It's just a wholesome show about a bunch of old grannies
and Blanche Devereaux. A giant, aging slut-whore, who loves to show
off her sagging fun bags. UGH!
She turns the TV off.
YOUNG TINA: I can't escape it. I don't know why everyone thinks
these things are so much fun to me they're more like freak bags.
According to TV and movies, boys never fall in love with the chesty
one. They don't take her seriously, and often they don't even
bother with things like her name. Maybe she's a nice girl, but
the boys would never know it. Mom! Call the doctor. I need an
emergency breast reduction! It is SO an emergency. UGH! You never let
me have anything! Fine. Then you leave me with no choice. I guess
I'll just have to spend the rest of my life in this sheet, like the
Hassids.
She throws a sheet over her head.
YOUNG TINA: Yes I am, Mom. It's for the good of society. (to
audience) Do you like my new school uniform? I actually did wear
this to stop the kids from teasing me until I realized kids will
also tease you for wearing a bed-sheet. So in high school, I switched
to sweatshirts. Extra, extra, extra large. It worked. I didn't get
teased anymore or noticed much at all, actually. But, no attention
is better than negative attention! Anyway, that was high school and I
know everything's gonna be different now, because I'm going off to
college. Here I come, Ohio State! Well, I figure it's ok to come
out of hiding now I mean, boys have to mature eventually Right?
We see TINA at college.
TINA: Ooh! A frat party! Hey, there, Deltas! Oh, well, sure you
can light my cigarette. I wasn't even smoking but, ok! Sure, I'll
sit on your lap. What a gentleman. Oh! And a full salute to you
too! Excuse me I see some mature college men talking over there.
Hey there. What's that? You want to give me a pearl necklace? So
soon? And a motorboat? Oh, I see the little game you're playing.
Funny. Well I know a game too it's called, "Pretend the
nipples are up here"! (to audience) And that's when I
transferred to Sarah Lawrence College. Where everyone wears dresses,
even the men. Everything was going great, until one day (to BRET)
Bret? Is that you?? Yeah I remember you from middle school. You
were the creepy one who used to draw me nak Ok. Hand over the
sketchpad. I cannot believe you are still following me around with
this thing. Wait a minute. I'm wearing clothes in these drawings.
I mean, it's still creepy, but so, why do you draw me then?
'Cause you like me? Like like me, like me? (Blush) Huh.(to
audience) Well, that was it. I knew I'd finally found my nerd in
shining armor. Bret's not the most handsome man I've ever met.
He's rail thin and has a jew-fro. Picture a brillo pad stuck to a
pencil. But he listens when I talk, and well, hey, that's more than
I have ever dared to hope for in a man. We've been together for
years. We may not have the most passionate relationship since I
prefer he not come near me but we like reading the paper and
cooking. We have companionship. Isn't that what love's really
about? If you ask me, we have the perfect relationship. Think Bert
and Ernie!
We are inside TINA and BRET's apartment, twelve years later.
TINA: Bret graduated with an MFA and now illustrates children's
books, and I got my degree in postmodern feminism and now work as a
secretary, getting my ass pinched. It's all coming together. And
here we are, twelve years later, still talking! Well, I mean, we
do have sex sometimes. And it's totally fine. As long as he just
stays on task and doesn't try to get all fancy. I like to save it
for special occasions. Like leap year. Ok, I realize I may be
missing out on some stuff. For instance, I keep hearing about this
strange thing called an "orgasm". I once asked my girlfriends
what that's supposed to feel like and then I stuffed my face with
chocolate. I don't know why. Oh look, Bret's sketchpad. Hey,
there are new drawings! Wait a minute That's not me. I know
because this girl's not wearing any clothes and Bret still has not
actually seen me naked yet. That's not weird, is it? (to BRET)
Bret, what's going on here? You're having an affair? Why? Just
because I recoil from your touch? That seems dramatic Oh, come
on, we can work this out. I realize I can be a cold fish sometimes,
but come over here ya big fella! Let me prove how much I love you
Oh god that tickles ew, stop it! Crap. (to audience) I don't
blame Bret for leaving me. And in some ways I'm relieved. But
I'm also sad because he was the only guy who ever treated me like a
real person. I'd like to think there's someone out there for me,
and that one day I could experience actual romance, but I just don't
think I can put myself out there on the market, knowing most men
perceive me to be well inflatable. No, that's ok. I think
I'll just die alone instead. It's cool.
TINA'S MOTHER and FATHER appear at the apartment.
TINA'S MOTHER: Surprise! Well now, your father and I thought it
was time for a visit. Is this your whole apartment? No, it's cute
that the bathtub is in the kitchen. Roger, use your inside voice,
like we rehearsed. Well, you know, Sweetheart, we were so sorry to
hear about you and Bret. But it really is time to move on. It's
been months. Oooh Who gave you this rose? A secret admirer? Oh,
I see. Your boss, for Secretary's Day. How nice. Isn't he the
one who pinches you in the behind and calls you "Jugs McGee"?
Roger Inside voice! Well, no, of course we did not come here to
criticize you. Why would we? What do you mean it's all my fault
that your life is a mess? Well, I didn't know about the hormones in
the chicken at the time We went over this Anyway, I think you
look just fine. Why, you're no different than your mother, and
Roger loves my well, if you look like a slut then I guess that
makes two of us. (Laughs) What did you just say to me? Ok, you know
what? You asked for it. Roger, go ahead use your outside voice.
(Pause) I'm sorry you had to hear that, Dear. But it's true. We
love you honey, but it's time you accepted yourself for who you are,
and stop hiding because you're ashamed of your body. There is so
much out there for you if you will just go out and get it. The key
words there are "go" and "out". PS this outfit is
ridiculous.
TINA: (To audience) Parents. They think they know everything, but
they don't understand anything. Except in this case they're
right. What am I afraid of? That some boys are gonna snap my bra in
the cafeteria? I'm an adult now. It's time I acted like one.
It's time I lived my life instead of hid from it. (to boobs) Wakey,
wakey! Ok, girls It's time I let you out of the panic room. I
know you're scared, but we gotta go face the world now. Why?
Because otherwise we're going to die without ever having lived
that's why. Jesus, it's like I'm talking to myself here. So
pull it together ok?! That's right Chin up, nipples straight!
(To groin) Oh, and don't think I don't see you, hiding down there
in the granny panties. Come on. Look alive. Smile! It's time to
get out your treasure trail maps, 'cause we're going on a mission.
And X marks the G-Spot!
TINA is in Webster Hall, a dance club in Manhattan. She has cast off
her sheet, and wears a revealing party dress. Beyonce's "All The
Single Ladies" plays in the background.
TINA: WooHooo!!! Webster Hall, baby! (Sings) "All the single
ladies, all the single ladies!" (to audience) Don't think I
don't realize that everyone in this club is half my age, because I
do. But I don't care. Look at me I'm out passed 10:30! I'm
unstoppable! And I'm on a dance floor In a V-neck. Weee! I
found all these single folks on AOL chat room and we go out almost
every night. Cosmos are the best invention ever. And you know what
else is the best invention ever? (Indicates boobs) THESE! You see
this drink? It was FREE! Ooh another one? Thank you! (to boobs)
Girls. I owe you an apology. From now on, nobody puts Boobies in the
corner! WEEEEE! (to audience)
Wow. Last night, Webster Hall and tonight, The Comedy Cellar. I
love the comedy clubs. You know what they have here? Comedians.
They're so hot. It's their attitude. Cocky. That's right, I
said "cock". I'm sassy now. I've even taken up a new
hobby Sketch comedy! I was told all I have to do is act spastic
and, hello, I do that anyway. I might as well do it in costume and
get free beer. So far, I've played a lobster, Dora the Explorer,
and last night I was Smurfette, all painted in blue. I'm so
outgoing, I hardly recognize myself anymore. And I have something
else that's new. It's a strange, tingling sensation whenever
he walks in the room. Dan. The cockiest comedian of them all and
I mean that in the best way possible. Well, it started out with
tingling, but lately it's morphed into more of a pounding dizziness,
combined with bouts of nausea and blurred vision. Not to mention
stabbing chest pains and a strange discharge in my new thong panties.
So, either I have a crippling, fatal disease or I'm in love.
Dan's in my sketch group, which means I don't know any of my
lines. I just stare at his dimples. God, I could go camping in
Dan's dimples. God, please let me go camping in Dan's dimples.
Ooh, looks like he already pitched a tent for me. What a gentleman.
(giggles) Oh no. I'm giggling. Shit. I don't want to be one of
those girls. But these new sensations are just so confusing. When
I'm around Dan I feel like I'm on a sugar high from a million
hostess cupcakes. I'm lit up like the Rockefeller Christmas tree!
But then when I'm with him, I can't even speak words. I mean
sure, when we're in a group I'm ok. When we're in a group I'm
hilaaarious! But when we're alone together, I can't seem to form
any coherent sextences. I mean coherent sexy motherfucker
Whatever! So I just say lame things like "S'up". And then Dan
say's "S'up". I think he could be "The One". God, he
makes me so nervous. But I think I make Dan a little nervous too. I
always catch him staring at my body, and for the first time in my
life, I like how that feels. It makes me feel so powerful. When I
turn this way Dan's eyes follow, and when I turn this way Dan's
eyes follow. It's like a jedi mind-trick. "Yes, Dan, these ARE
the droids you're looking for" (TINA shimmies.)
[end of extract]