The Best-Laid Plans For Romance by Michael Tarringer

This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author's PRIOR consent

Setting: New York City; the year is 2015

CHARACTERS

Ruth Green She is married to Max, in her 50s. She has been lonely
since her kids have grown and left the house, so she hopes to be a
grandmother soon, but would settle for being closer to her husband.

Maggie Green Daughter of Ruth and Max. She is in his early to
mid-20s, a non-traditional college student who works and goes to
school at night.

Ira Feinberg Mid 50s and a close friend to Max for many years.
Divorced, but still a believer in relationships and always tries to
have fun.

Max Green He is in his 50s; a passionate baseball fan and believer
in the "good-old days." He is too busy with his own insecurities
to realize how good life can be.

Faye Lawson In her 50s, she went to high school with Max. She is
an attractive and personable woman who would like to finally settle
down with the right guy.

Laura Fields late 20s, she is Maggie's roommate. She works in
hospital administration. She is in an on-again/off-again dating
relationship with Don.

David Becker late 20s/early 30s, divorced doctor who recently
moved to NY, and works with Laura.

Don Carter mid-30s; easy-going; he is dating Laura; and

Doc mid 30s to 50s; a psychiatrist.

ACT ONE

SCENE I

(Lights come up on the living room of Maggie Green's apartment. Her
roommate, Laura Fields, a woman in her late 20's, is getting ready
for a date with her on-again, off-again boyfriend Don. Maggie enters
with her father, Max. They are dressed in sports fan attire, having
just come from leaving a Yankees baseball game early, much to Max's
disappointment.)

MAGGIE: Come on, Dad, it's just a game.

MAX: It was the seventh inning, and the Yankees just tied the score.

MAGGIE: Yes, but the three-hundred-pound guy in front of me smelled
like he hadn't bathed in a week. I couldn't take it anymore.
(Seeing Laura) Hi.

MAX: Hello, Laura. How are you, my dear?

LAURA: Fine, Mr. Green. How was the game?

MAX: It was 3-3 in the bottom of the seventh inning, the Yankees had
players on first and third with one out (turning to look at Maggie)
and we had to leave.

MAGGIE: (To Laura) The game should have been called on account of the
stench coming from the row in front of us. (Turning to her father) You
know, we could have tried to move to some other seats.

MAX: We were at the 200 level, right behind home plate! Do you know
how expensive those tickets were?

LAURA: 200 level, behind home plate, over $150 a piece.

MAX: (Surprised) That's right. How did you know?

LAURA: I went to a game last month with my boyfriend; same level.

MAX: And did you stay for the whole game?

LAURA: (Laura answers, but then sees Maggie waiving behind her
father's back, shaking her head emphatically and mouthing "No",
indicating how she wants her friend to answer) Yes (switching to cover
for her friend) No! ... (Retreating from the conversation) I don't remember.

MAX: (Confused) You don't remember? (Laura gives him a "Sorry,
can't help you" look.) Excuse me, but I'm just going to take a
look to see what the score is. (He takes out his cell phone and starts
to push buttons, searching the Internet for the score) (Announcing the
result, still looking at his phone) The Yankees won!

LAURA: (Maggie groans. Laura responds to her reaction.) Isn't that
good?

MAGGIE: No, that's bad, because now I'll never hear the end of it.

MAX: (To Maggie, showing disappointment in missing the event) They
came back to win the game.

MAGGIE: Look at it this way, Daddy, you're probably going to live at
least two years longer than if we stayed there and continued to
breathe in that odor. Besides, I have work to do.

MAX: (Frowning) I better get going.

MAGGIE: Don't forget you wanted to check my course catalog. It's
on the desk, and I highlighted the class I want to take.

MAX: Oh, right. (Max goes to the desk and looks at the college course
catalog).

LAURA: (To Maggie) What do you mean you have work? I thought your
class doesn't start until next week
.
MAGGIE: It doesn't, but the professor assigned the first two
chapters and wants us to be prepared to discuss them.

LAURA: That stinks.

MAGGIE: So did the baseball game.

LAURA: I better get ready for my date.

MAX: Who's the lucky guy?

LAURA: My boyfriend, Don.

MAX: Don's the one who took you to the baseball game last month?

LAURA: Yes, he did.

MAX: In the 200 level seats, behind home plate?

LAURA: Yes.

MAX: (Impressed) Those are expensive seats. Sounds like a sports fan.
What does he do?

LAURA: He just started working in the merchandising department for the
baseball team.

MAX: The Yankees!?

LAURA: That's right. If you need tickets, I'm sure he can help
you out. Excuse me; I have to jump in the shower.

MAX: (Smiling) Enjoy yourself.

LAURA: Thanks. I'll try. (She exits)

MAX: That's a nice girl. I'm glad you two became roommates.
(Looking back at the course catalog.) You know, Maggie, your mother
and I are very proud of you for going back to school to get your
degree.

MAGGIE: Thank you, Daddy.

MAX: I mean it. Holding down a full-time job while you take courses at
night and during the summer takes a lot of gumption, and . (His
eyes open wide, surprised by what he sees.) Oh, God. Oh ....my
....God!

MAGGIE: (She walks over and looks over his shoulder) What?
MAX: What? What do you mean, "What?" (Pointing at the catalog)
Four thousand dollars, that's what!

MAGGIE: That's what all the three-credit courses cost.

MAX: I can see that. And I was worried you were going to get mugged on
the streets of New York, when it's the colleges that rob people
blind! Why do you want to take a class in the summer anyway? It's
too hot to study.

MAGGIE: Taking one this summer will lighten my work load next fall.
Come on, Daddy, you promised if I signed up for a business class, you
would pay for a summer course.

MAX: And? Did you?

MAGGIE: The book is right here (pointing to a textbook on the table).

MAX: Economics. Great class!

MAGGIE: (Sarcastically) Yeah, I can't wait.

MAX: Learning a little bit about economics will do you some good.

MAGGIE: We'll see. I'm not excited about having an assignment
before the first class even starts.

MAX: What did you expect?

MAGGIE: I don't knowreceiving a syllabus, a nice little
introduction from the professor, some background information about
what we'll be covering during the semester. At least, that's
what the professors usually do. I certainly didn't expect to read
the first two chapters before walking through the door.
MAX: Well, I didn't expect to pay four thousand dollars for one
course. When I was your age, .

MAGGIE: (To herself) Here we go.

MAX: (continuing).everyone didn't have to go to college to earn a
decent living.

MAGGIE: Times have changed, Dad.

MAX: You're telling me You wouldn't believe how many people I
saw on the way over here who were staring at their cell phones,
texting away, as if there was no one else aroundAnd those were the
ones driving cars. Then, there were the pedestrians, walking around
like zombies, eyes glued to those little screens, and they continued
into the street without even looking to see if a car was coming.
(Shaking his head) My God, Maggie, what did everyone do before
smartphones were invented?

MAGGIE: Well, I guess.

MAX: (Interrupting) They talked. They looked each other in the eye and
they had a conversation! It's a lost art.

MAGGIE: Speaking of art, I've been dying to take this Art History
class. What do you think?

MAX: If it's less than four thousand dollars, I love it.

MAGGIE: Thanks for helping me out, Dad.

MAX: That's alright. Time for me to head out. (Maggie walks her
father to the door). You know how your mother is about dinner.

MAGGIE: Every night at 6 PM.

MAX: On the dot.

MAGGIE: You should try taking her out some time.

MAX: Your mother has a very delicate stomach that only tolerates very
expensive food.

MAGGIE: Well, a new Italian place just opened up across the street.
Their prices seem reasonable, and you both like pasta.

MAX: (Interested) Yeah? When were you there?

MAGGIE: Laura and I checked it out last week.

MAX: Maybe we'll give it a try.

MAGGIE: And you should get her some flowers.

MAX: Flowers? What for? Isn't dinner enough?

MAGGIE: Dinner is nice, but flowers with dinner is even better, and
you two don't get out that much.

MAX: How do you know?

MAGGIE: Okay, when was the last time you took Mom out?

MAX: (After staring at his daughter for several seconds, and then
realizing she's right.) I'll get her flowers. You know, your
mother and I love you very much.

MAGGIE: Oh, Daddy, I love you too.

MAX: I'll send you a check for the course.

MAGGIE: Thanks.

MAX: After you finish the economics class.

MAGGIE: Daddy!

MAX: And get at least a B for the course.

MAGGIE: Daddy!!

MAX: Don't act so surprised. Our deal wasn't that you just sign up
for the business class; our deal was that you learn the material.

MAGGIE: Fine.

MAX: I love you, sweetie.

MAGGIE: I love you too, Dad. Come on, I'll walk you out.

(Intercom buzzes as they're about to walk out.)
MAGGIE: That must be Don. Hello?

DON (voice): Hi Mag, it's me. I'm here to pick up Laura.

MAGGIE: Don, I'm walking my dad out now, so I'll come get you.

DON (voice): Great! See you soon.

MAGGIE: We'll be right there. (She releases the intercom button.)

MAX: That's the guy who works for the Yankees?

MAGGIE: Yep. Come on, I'll introduce you.

MAX: Hmmm.maybe leaving the game early wasn't such a bad idea
after all.

(They exit).

(BLACKOUT)

SCENE II

(The scene opens later that same day, in the home of Maggie's
parents, Max and Ruth Green. The couple just finished dinner and Max
is sitting watching a baseball game on television. Ruth enters and
passes in front of the television several times, collecting soda cans
and plates to take back to the kitchen. Each time she passes in front
of the television, Max counters her movements, working to see the
screen in order to avoid missing any part of the game.)

RUTH: So, did you like the dinner, Max? It was all vegetarian.

MAX: (without lifting his head from the television) It was good,
thanks.

RUTH: I was feeling adventurous tonight, so I tried something a
little different with the roast to make it taste more like turkey.

MAX: (still focused on the game) Enjoyed it. Thanks.

RUTH: I added something to the sauce.

MAX: Yeah, yeah, very tasty.

RUTH: (Realizing he hasn't been listening to word) A little
arsenic.

MAX: (Not hearing her) Loved it, much appreciated.

RUTH: Uh huh. (She leaves, put off by his lack of attention)

(Max's cell phone rings after Ruth exits)

MAX: Hello. Hi Ira.. Yeah, of course I'm watching, what else
would I be doing?..... You're kidding! No way! They finally got
rid of Whitaker, it's about time! Talk about excess baggage.
What did they get for him?..... Another relief pitcher!? They need a
hitter, someone with speed who can steal bases.. Well, at least
he's off the payroll. Listen, they just came back from a commercial
break, so I'll talk to you later. Yeah, we're still on for Saturday. See
you then.

(Ruth comes back in, having disposed of the cans and plates, again
walking in front of the television, this time pausing to pick up an
earring off the floor, with Max countering in another effort to see
the screen).

RUTH: That's where that went! I was looking all over for this
earring. (Turning to Max and realizing he's up trying to look around
her). What are you doing?

MAX: I'm trying to watch the game.

RUTH: Oh, yeah sorry. What inning are they in?

MAX: The second. Could you move a little to the right?

RUTH: Max, maybe we could watch something else tonight? Something
together?

MAX: Like what?

RUTH: Well, there's this new show where these couples get fixed
up

MAX: (Interrupting) Wait a minute, one of those reality shows?

RUTH: Yeah, it's really cute. They never met before and.

MAX: I don't think so.

RUTH: Why not?

MAX: I don't like Reality TV. I get enough of reality at work.

RUTH: Okay, then how about a movie?

MAX: Well, I never did see the last Star Wars film.

RUTH: Don't you ever get tired of Star Wars?

MAX: You suggested a movie. Star Wars is a movie.

RUTH: I didn't mean Star Wars. There's a new movie about this
married couple that goes on a second honeymoon and.

MAX: Tell you what, I have to go to the bathroom, but hold that
thought, because unfortunately I can't hold it anymore. You can
tell me the rest when I get back.

RUTH: Ok. (As Max leaves) Oh, we're almost out of toilet paper, so
if you finish it, recycle the roll. (Max turns around with a look).
What? you forgot last time.

(Ruth's cell phone goes off as Max exits).

Hello. Oh, hi sweetie, how are you? .... That's good . Me?
Nothing. Your father and I just finished dinner. You're coming by
tomorrow morning, aren't you? Just making sure. It will be nice to
catch up. I know we just saw each other, but you know how much I
enjoy our weekend mornings together. Really? Is that on tonight?
(She reaches for the remote control) What channel? I love Barbara
Streisand! Such a voice! And she can act too. Of course I don't
mind. Stop over whenever you're done. Alright sweetie, take care
and I'll see you tomorrow. I'll be here.. Bye. (To herself)
Where else am I going to be?

(Max returns from the bathroom and notices the channel has been
switched away from the baseball game)

MAX: What's this? (He changes the channel back to the baseball
game. Ruth glares at him. After a beat, Max finally notices.) What?
You knew I was watching the game, right?

RUTH: I didn't know when you were coming back. I thought you fell
in. Besides, we were talking about watching a movie instead, remember?

MAX: (frowning and giving her a look back) Yeah, we were talking about
it, but nothing had been decided yet.

RUTH: There's a Barbara Streisand movie on that I thought we could
watch.

MAX: What about the game?

RUTH: You just came back from a baseball game.

MAX: Every game is different.

RUTH: They all look the same to me just like the nights here, all
the same.

MAX: Jesus Christ.

RUTH: Oh come on, Max, it's not like I'm asking you to spend
money on dinner and dancing. I'm talking about watching a movie on
TV together, just not a space movie.

MAX: Are you knocking Star Wars?

RUTH: I just think you need to expand your horizons.

MAX: Maybe you just don't appreciate science fiction. Did you know
the original Star Wars was nominated for an Academy Award for Best
Picture.

RUTH: Did it win?

MAX: No, but it should have. And you wonder why I don't rush home
and we don't watch anything together.

RUTH: So, I'm the reason you work late!?

MAX: Here we go.

RUTH: Is it!?

MAX: Sometimes, I go out after work with the guys. (Ruth gives him a
look) What? not every night. It's not like I'm cheating on you.

RUTH: Maybe instead of "going out with the guys," did you ever
think of taking me out instead?

MAX: The thought crossed my mind.

RUTH: And?

MAX: When it crossed, it never slowed down just kept going.

RUTH: That's not funny, Max.

MAX: I'm sorry. Look, it's usually very difficult for us to
agree on where to go or what to do.

RUTH: That's not true.

MAX: Oh yeah, look at us now we're having a grand time trying
to figure out what to watch together. It shouldn't be this hard.

RUTH: You give up too easy. (Max starts walking away) Where are you
going?

MAX: To bed.

RUTH: It's only 8:00.

MAX: I don't want to argue.

RUTH: We're not arguing; we're talking.

MAX: All this talk is tiring me out.

RUTH: What am I supposed to do?

MAX: Watch Barbara Streisand.

RUTH: Max!

MAX: You win. I'm going to bed.

(BLACKOUT)

[End of Extract]