Substitute Teacher from Hell by Jass Richards
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This Play is the copyright of the Author and may not be performed, copied or sold without the Author's prior consent
Cast: teacher (a woman in her 20s, wearing jeans)
Set:
The Classroom:
-teacher's desk (centre stage)
-teacher's chair (behind desk, facing audience)
-a two-sided flip blackboard (flips along horizontal axis)
The Principal's Office:
-teacher's desk turned sideways
-teacher's chair to left of desk
-principal's chair (from offstage) to right of desk (plusher than
teacher's chair)
-blackboard flipped with panelling and framed certificate and/or
painting
Props:
-chalk and brush (for classroom scenes)
-phone (for principal's desk, can be kept in drawer during other
scenes)
-miscellaneous papers, files, etc.
-paperback copy of Romeo and Juliet
-copy of The Education Act
-prop box (on stage for Scene 19: Theatre Arts class only)
with small stool sitting on top
-contents of prop box: suitcoat and tie, beard, large cucumber, small
pickle
Sound effects:
-class noise (30 minutes, volume to be controlled live according to
scene's needs)
-bell or buzzer (to indicate class changes)
Lighting:
slight dimming between scenes
Dialogue notes:
The actor will pretend the principals exist (seated in principal's
chair) just as she will pretend the students exist (one half of
audience) - though audience participation should be anticipated and
even encouraged if the actor is comfortable with some improvisation;
when teacher speaks to audience as audience, her focus should be to
the other side of the audience.
( ) indicates that implied student or principal has said something.
Scene 1: (classroom)
[Class noise. Bell rings.]
[Teacher walks onto stage, carrying some files, papers, pens, texts,
including Romeo and Juliet, all of which she puts onto the teacher's
desk. She then stands upstage centre for a moment, in front of the
teacher's desk, expecting the students to become quiet and give her
their attention. This does not happen.]
Good morning, my name is—could you please be quiet—people—we need
quiet before— [No change in class noise.]
( )
Yes, I'll introduce myself as soon as—people—quiet please! [No
change.]
Class, please be quiet and take your seats. I'd like to begin— [No
change.]
QUIET PLEASE! [No change.]
[imitating Sister Mary Elephant from Cheech and Chong] CLAAAASS! [No
change.]
SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! [Class is silent.]
( )
Well, when you understand another language, you just let me know.
Asshole.
Okay, attendance, please say 'here' when I call your name.
[Teacher begins to read names off a list.] John, Mary, Scott, Lori -
[Class noise resumes softly, increasing until teacher asks for quiet;
then it resumes again and increases until teacher asks for quiet;
etc.]
[If no one from the audience says 'here'] This is McGraw's grade ten
English, period two, right? [resumes reading names] Natasha, Jeremy
-
[If still no one answers 'here' - imitating Pink Floyd] 'Is there
anybody out there?' [resumes reading names] Matt, Bob -
[If still no one answers, skip to *.]
[As soon as audience members start answering, persist a little until
two people say 'here' to the same name] What, are we sharing the
brain today? [Skip to *.]
[and/or until the same voice says 'here' twice - look out at audience
searching for the person] You are both Matt and Bob? And you two are
sharing a body, right? [Go to *.]
*Okay, look, we're going to have to do this the slow way. [Teacher
starts circulating among the students (front row of audience) with a
piece of paper and a pen.]
Could you please sign your name as I come around.
[First student doesn't have pen - speaks to him/her.] Let me guess:
you don't have anything to write with. You've come to class without
pen or pencil, without paper, no books—
[Teacher moves onto the next student—who also doesn't have a pen.
With the third student, she offers her own pen.]
[Aside to the other half of the audience, the not-class side] A
little known Murphy's Law states that half the students won't have
anything to write their names with, and half [she looks at the name
the third student has just written] won't know how to spell their
names—[aside to the third student] 'Donna' begins with a 'D' [or
'Joe' begins with a 'J']. Unfortunately, it's never the same half.
[If a student seems to hesitate before writing name] Do you KNOW
your name? Yes? [all sweet and sympathetic] Just forgot it for a
moment, did you? That's okay, you've got it now…
[Continues moving around with sheet while continuing aside.] So this
is a royal waste of time. But of course I can't just ask the students
to pass the sheet around, because everybody would be signing everybody
else's names—I once ended up with thirty names for ten people.
'Course, that was in a gifted math class.
[Continues.] I solved the problem one day by taking a snapshot.
Unfortunately, I ended up with a picture of thirty bare asses.
Apparently none of which the regular teacher could identify.
[She has finished with attendance and has returned to centre stage.]
Quiet please. [no change] Class, we're ready to begin. [eventually
class noise decreases]
So, as the sharp ones among you have noticed, your regular teacher is
not here today. I'm your substitute for today, and my name is Jude
Beecher [writes it on the board].
( )
Well, I prefer to be called Jude—that is my name—but if you feel
really uncomfortable calling me by my name, you can call me something
else. As you no doubt will anyway.
( )
No, not 'Miss'. Please don't call me 'Miss'.
( )
Because I find it extremely insulting. [Class noise has resumed
again.]
( )
Well, apart from being incredibly impersonal, what does 'Miss' mean?
I means 'Unmarried Female'. How would you feel if someone called out
to you, 'Hey, Unmarried Female' or 'Unmarried Female, what's for
homework?'
( )
No, I'm not ashamed to be unmarried or female—I just don't think
either aspect of my existence is important enough to be part of my
name.
( )
No, 'Ms.' and 'Mr.' are almost as bad—they still designate sex:
'Female Person Smith', 'Male Person Brown'.
( )
Well, there are lots of sex-free titles: Chief, Captain. Your
Highness.
Now, let's see what your regular teacher has left for you to work on.
[reads assignment sheet] Okay, I see you're playing with Romeo and
Juliet—quiet please [she waits a moment for quiet]—you are to
“rewrite one of two scenes—the balcony scene or the fight scene—into
contemporary English.” Okay. This can be lots of fun, let's take a
look.
[She opens her paperback copy of the play.] Open your books to the
fight scene please, page [X].
Now imagine it: you have these guys raging at each other, and they've
been doing it for years, they're gonna fight now, and they're gonna
fight so bad a couple of 'em end up stabbed to death. Now instead of
saying [reading from book], “Thou wretched boy that didst consort with
him shalt with him hence,” Tybalt would say it differently, today he'd
say maybe “You fuckin' bastard! You're dead meat!” [Class noise
resumes a bit.] Got the picture? Okay, go to it! [Class noise
increases.]
Scene 2: (principal's office)
[Teacher enters principal's office.] You wanted to see me?
( ) [She sits down.]
"Why did I take it upon myself to introduce vulgarities into a
lesson?" What are you talking about?
( )
Oh, Ms. McGraw's class. I didn't 'introduce' anything, the assignment
she left instructed the students to rewrite a Shakespearean scene into
contemporary English.
( )
No, I didn't say "you fuckin' bastard"—well, I mean yes, I said
it, but I was quoting a character, Tybalt.
( )
Well then you'd better take a good look in the library and get rid of
about half the books in there; I guess Mr. Johnson's film study course
will have to go as well. Both are full of characters who swear.
( )
Well I understand last year's major play had a homicide in it, but I
don't think the community thought you therefore condoned murder.
( )
They said that? They said I said it was okay to swear? And you
believed them? Well aren't you a damned fool.
( )
No, I won't promise never to swear in the classroom again. I didn't
swear in the classroom in the first place. The most I could do is
promise never again to quote a character who swears. But—
( )
Offensive? Give me a break. When the basketball coach reams out the
losing boys' team in the locker room by saying “Look, ladies, you've
got to start playing with your eyes open,” that's offensive. To every
lady on the planet. But when someone mutters “Damn it!” upon
hammering their finger, that's just frustration. And it's a lot better
than flinging the hammer across the room.
( )
I think it's appropriate if the character and/or the scene warrants
it. Not to include swear words in the verbal exchange between two
hot-headed male adolescents involved in a gang fight so impassioned
that one kills the other would be, to my mind, unrealistic and would
certainly reveal an incomplete understanding of character.
Furthermore, Shakespeare himself used vulgarities all the time. Three
times in the preceding scene, one of the characters screams “A plague
upon your houses!” That's a curse! And there's much 'biting of the
thumb' at each other.
( )
Oh, it's an Elizabethan gesture. Perhaps the contemporary equivalent
is [she gives him the 'finger'].
Scene 3: (classroom)
[Bell rings and teacher enters. Class noise.]
Could you please be quiet. [No change. She waits patiently. No
change.] People—please be seated. [Noise slowly stops.]
Good morning, your regular teacher isn't here today; my name is Jude
Beecher and I'm teaching his [checks timetable] history classes today.
So—history. Of what?
( )
I mean, what are you studying the history of?
( )
Well—is it the history of scientific discoveries? The history of
funny walks?
( )
What do you mean you don't know. How can you study history for four
months and not know what you're studying—no—I take that back—I
don't want to hear the answer to that one. Okay, what was yesterday's
lesson about?
( )
War—okay—so this is a course on military history?
( )
Not just wars, you say—okay, what else?
( )
"Presidents and stuff." This is Canadian history, right? Okay,
presidents—so it's also a history of people in positions of
responsibility?
( )
You don't think the presidency is a position of responsibility, it's a
position of power. Okay, very good point. So this is a history
course in military conflicts and power—
( )
"And countries"—okay, a history of territorial claims, military
conflicts, and power. Hm—is that what the course description says?
( )
Can you leave? What do you mean—of course you can leave. [Her head
follows as all thirty students walk out; she looks back at the empty
classroom, flabbergasted, looks at the door, looks at the empty
classroom, picks up her books, and leaves too.]
[end of extract]
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