Straight Man by Leslie Lawton
Houselights fade out
In the darkness we hear lively television theme music followed by the voice of an announcer.
VOICE: Welcome, once again, to Barney's Happy Hour.
(Wild audience reaction)
And here he is The Connoisseur of Camp, The Master of Mince, The
Sultan of Swish the one and only Barney Wells.
Audience reaction reaches fever pitch as lights come up on BARNABY WELLS
BARNABY: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls and
Friends of Dorothy everywhere. (Applause) And welcome to the last in
this present series of "Happy Hours". (Audience groans and boos
and cries of "no,no" etc.) But please, don't worry. I may be off your
screens for a few weeks but I'm going to be busy, busy, busy. I'm
going to be so busy I won't know if I'm coming or going. So what else
is new?
(Wild laughter from studio audience)
Have you had a good week? I've had a fabulous one. Well, apart
from two hours of torture at the dentists. Luckily he's very attractive.
So just perving at him eases the pain. (Studio audience laughter)
And he's not only fit, he's also gay. (More Whoops) Yes, lucky me, I've
got a gay dentist. Or, as he prefers to be called, a Tooth Fairy.
Actually, when I first went to see him he wasn't sure about his
sexuality. But I soon sorted him out. ("Ooohs" from audience) No,
just a minute. You're writing your own jokes here. He asked me for
some advice. He said; "How can I be sure if I am gay?" Well, I
avoided the obvious. Never even mentioned the nail varnish and the
sling backs! I just told him. You know you're gay if you're
friends with a woman other people can't stand. You know you're
gay if you're your nephews and nieces favourite uncle. You know
you're gay if you've got at least one framed picture of a pet.
You know you're gay if if… (He seems to be lost and there are
murmurs from the audience) I'm sorry…I'm a bit…I mean
I…I've had a difficult few days. (Audience giggles) ... no, I mean it ... a very
difficult few days.
BLACKOUT
From the darkness we hear :
BARNABY: Next question?
LIGHTS UP ON:-
A beautifully decorated and furnished living room of a flat in a
fashionable area of London
BARNEY is being interviewed by ANN DOWLING a tabloid journalist.
ANN: I know you must have answered this a thousand times already
but why did you make the move from straight actor to talk show host?
BARNABY: (impishly) Straight?
ANN: (embarrassed) Sorry you know what I mean.
BARNABY: No, I'm sorry. I couldn't resist it. The truth? I
really wasn't that successful as an actor and once I'd played that
"career defining" role in "BOYS WILL BE BOYS" I was generally
being typecast. All right, I could have waited around for the chance
to play Edward the Second but, on the whole, the gay classical roles
are few and far between. And, let's face it, I played a totally
committed predatory gay guy who got his kit off and had simulated sex
with three other characters at various points in the evening.
ANN: I'm beginning to feel I missed something.
BARNABY: Believe me, you didn't miss much.
ANN: Was that difficult for you? I mean the sex and nudity thing?
BARNABY: It was worrying at first. Especially as one of my co-stars
was totally miscast. The whole point of his character was that he was
Jewish.
ANN: And the actor wasn't convincing?
BARNABY: Not once he got his knickers off.
ANN: How would that - ? (BARNEY raises an eyebrow) Oh, I see. But
the nudity didn't bother you personally.
BARNABY: Well, it was totally exposing in more ways than one. And I
would never have agreed to do it but I did have all the funniest lines
in the play, and it was originally just in a small fringe theatre.
ANN: But it didn't stay in a fringe theatre?
BARNABY: No. Much to everyone's surprise we transferred to the West
End and that was my downfall. If only it had flopped I could have
resumed my career as if nothing had happened.
ANN: You did that hospital series on the BBC.
BARNABY: And for about twenty episodes I was just the dishy young
doctor being chased by all the females on the ward. For a minute
there I thought I was on my way to being nice normal telly totty.
ANN: What happened?
BARNABY: Ratings were down so they had to sex it up. By episode
twenty one I was out of the closet and surrounded by a lot of
heartbroken nurses in the plot and a lot of knowing gays in front of
their tellies going; (punches the air) "Yes, I knew it!" And I
knew by then I was going to be typecast for the rest of my life so I
stayed with it for two years and used every chance to cash in talk
shows, game shows, reality shows; you name it I did it.
ANN: And always in character as the "lovable gay guy"?
BARNABY: I knew the game was up. What was the point of fighting it?
ANN: And you were funny.
BARNABY: Apparently. People laughed even when I thought I was
being serious. And I loved it.
ANN: But it's a big jump to doing actual stand-up. That must have
been terrifying.
BARNABY: "Terrifying" doesn't begin to cover it. I started off
in the small venues and I learned on my feet as they say. But I soon
realised I was best bouncing off other people which is why I put
myself up for chat show hosting. I found my camp humour worked best
in an intimate setting. You could say I embarrass my guests by being
outrageous, flirtatious and mildly shocking and their reactions are
what make it work for the viewers at home.
ANN: You were one of the first mainstream gay entertainers. But now
every programme seems to have at least one gay and proud of it type
character. Do you feel in any way responsible?
BARNABY: God, I hope I'm not.
ANN: You don't see yourself as a pioneer?
BARNABY: For what? It's easy for the public to accept a gay
character as long as he's harmless and funny but then it always was.
And have you noticed that even the most ground breaking stuff is
basically just an acceptable formula in the end? Gays male and
female are okay as long as they make you laugh or end up sad and
lonely.
ANN: And in real life?
BARNABY: They could do both.
DAISY: Are you OK? You seem a bit
BARNABY: What?
DAISY: I don't know. Frazzled?
BARNABY: Sorry, I suppose it's just one of those days. You know.
DAISY: It's always "one of those days" in this place.
TERRY: (Putting phone down) That was Frank. He's on his way over.
DAISY: Now?
TERRY: Yes, he was calling from the car. He's looking for a parking
spot.
BARNABY: Why didn't you let me talk to him? I would have told him
to piss off.
TERRY: I guess that's why he rang off before I could speak to you.
DAISY: Or me. He knows I would've done the same thing.
TERRY: Yeah, well, you're the official PA, I'm just the glorified
driver and general dogsbody. (to BARNEY) He's got the BBC's
proposals for your "Comic Relief" contribution this year.
BARNABY: What's so urgent? It's months away.
DAISY: Because that's typically Frank. I think he's got a very
short attention span
and he worries that he will have lost interest by the morning.
TERRY: And that would destroy his image as the most enthusiastic
personal manager in the business.
DAISY: Well, he's certainly the most annoying personal manager in
the business.
FRANK: I've told you before black doesn't suit you. Only fat
queens wear black in the misguided belief that it makes them look
thinner.
BARNABY: I get fed up wearing all that glitzy stuff. This says
Barney's off duty.
FRANK: It says Barney's auditioning for Hamlet. And that's not
one of your laugh a minute roles. It would be professional suicide.
God, I hope you weren't wearing that when Diva Dowling was here.
BARNABY: I was sporting my American cheerleader outfit with the see
through fishnet tank top.
FRANK: Strangely, a look that never really caught on this side of the
pond. Seriously, did you look cheerful and colourful?
BARNABY: She had to keep her dark glasses on for the whole session.
FRANK: That's my boy. (His cellphone rings (Frank's ring tone:I
WILL SURVIVE Gloria Gaynor)) Shit sorry (Answers
it)Hello…Baz, my old darling, what can I do for you?... (Gestures to
BARNABY that he'll only be two minutes. BARNABY goes and pours
drinks) No,no,no, a thousand times no. There is no truth in that
rumour…Would I lie to you?... Baz, you bitch! Seriously, love, it
never happened. She wouldn't have been interested anyway. The
dates were impossible…You have my word of honour. And, Baz, bless
you for checking first before you published such a shitty
lie…kisses. (HE closes phone as BARNABY gives him a drink)
Treacherous little gossip monger. "Is it true Susie Connolly was
dropped from the judging panel of "So You Think You Can Sing?"
because her last West End show closed after only three weeks.
BARNABY: And is it?
FRANK: What do you think? She's had more flops than Cher's had
face lifts. I can't afford to be connected with that kind of serial
failure. It's the shit that never flushes.
BARNABY: That's what I like about you, Frank. You're all heart. Can we
please get on with the Comic Relief thing? My alarm bells are already ringing.
FRANK: No, really, you'll love it. They want to do a gay version of
"Wife Swap".
BARNABY: Wife Swap?
FRANK: The reality show where the husband of one couple moves in with
the wife of another couple and vice versa. For the first few days
they stick to the rules of the house and then they change to the
visitor's rules for the last few days.
BARNABY: How would a gay version work, for Chrissakes?
FRANK: Just the same basically. You would move in for a week with
Elton John say and David Furnish would come and stay with Terry.
It's in a very good cause.
BARNABY: I'll send a cheque. In fact, we should all send a cheque.
Especially those obese comics who go to Africa and shed tears in front
of the camera because of all the starving children. Why don't they
just give them their own fucking dinners!
DAISY: What was the Comic Relief idea anyway?
BARNABY: I don't want to talk about it. Let's eat.
DAISY: (sitting) In a minute. It'll keep. Pour me a drink.
BARNABY: (pouring a drink) It wasn't just me that he was going to
humiliate. He was going to drag poor Terry into it too. When you
think of what Terry already puts up with on a day to day basis from
sniping journalists and envious, leering fans.
DAISY: I thought you didn't want to talk about it.
BARNABY: It's just typical of the whole industry now. We're
supposed to be so grateful for being famous that we have to submit
ourselves to any level of public humiliation to atone for our great
good fortune.
DAISY: Barney
BARNABY: There's no conception of privacy or time that just belongs
to us or areas in our lives that are nobody else's business but our
own or
DAISY: (Shouts) I'm pregnant!
BARNABY: (after a beat) or the idea that we may not want everybody
to know everything about you're pregnant? Are you sure?
DAISY: Oh, yes. I am absolutely sure.
BARNABY: (dazed) You're pregnant. We're pregnant.
DAISY: Yes, we are!
BARNABY: But I never thought I mean I hoped some day but I
never dreamed that what shall we do about - ? Have you told
anybody -? No, of course you
DAISY: Barney, Barney, calm down , take a deep breath and don't
attempt to speak again until you can form a complete sentence!
(They cling to each other for a moment, rocking happily back and
forth)
BARNABY: God, I love you.
DAISY: Well, that's a relief.
BARNABY: How far I mean, when
DAISY: Sentences! I'm not due for another six months.
BARNABY: But that's like tomorrow! There's so much to do. Where
shall we live? How much longer can you keep working? What do we need
to buy? Do we keep this place on? Do we move out to the country? Or
do we - ?
DAISY: And now can we please have sentences that aren't questions?!
BARNABY: You're three months pregnant and I never even suspected, I
mean you didn't even drop a hint or anything.
DAISY: I'm not really a "drop a hint" kind of person, am I?
BARNABY: But why didn't you tell me as soon as you thought you were?
DAISY: I suppose I was waiting for the exact right moment. And I
suppose I was always hoping that you might have guessed.
BARNABY: I'm a bloke, remember. I didn't have a clue. Have you
told anybody else?
DAISY: Er? Duh? Earth to Barney! Who else could I tell? Nobody
knows I'm your lover as well as your secretary. And, more to the
point, nobody knows you're straight.
(There is a moment's silence between them as BARNABY starts, for the
first time to realise the huge decisions he is about to face)
BARNABY: (Distractedly) Apart from Terry.
DAISY: Of course, apart from poor Terry who turned out to be a rather
good actor after all. Well, obviously he is gay so that part was easy
for him. But hopefully he's not really in love with you. I think
I'd know if he were. I mean, he's always so sweet to me. But he
managed to convince everybody, even Frank, that he was, otherwise
we'd have been rumbled years ago. (BARNEY continues to look
preoccupied) Your turn to say something!
BARNABY: I know I mean I'm
DAISY: Preferably something that makes sense.
BARNABY: Where do I start?
DAISY: Well you could start by saying that you'll still love me even
when I'm throwing up every morning and ballooning into a milk laden
cow who looks like another reject from Weight Watcher's.
BARNABY: No, I mean, where do I start to tackle all the repercussions
from this, this
DAISY: - happy news?
BARNABY: No. I mean, yes - but as well as that there's well
everything. I mean what's going to happen when eight million
regular viewers find out that I've been faking it? That I'm not
an exotic but friendly fairy. I'm just a boring straight guy who's
been fooling them for years.
DAISY: Before we start worrying about your public we've got some
people nearer home who need to know.
BARNABY: You mean - ?
DAISY: You know who I mean.
BARNABY: Oh, God. My mother.
DAISY: Got it in one.
BARNABY: Do we have to tell her? Can't we just wait for her to read
it in the paper?
DAISY: (addressing her stomach) Don't listen, Junior. That is no
way for a child to treat its mother. Even a vicious old bat like your
Grannie.
BARNABY: "Grannie"? Oh, my God, it gets worse. She'll hate
being a "Grannie".
DAISY: So what are you suggesting? I'm to be kept hidden? Like
Mrs.Rochester in the attic? And presumably our children will be
produced and reared in secret as well.
BARNABY: That's ridiculous.
DAISY: Is it?
BARNABY: Yes! I've had enough of skulking around. Even before this
terrific news I always wanted to tell the World about you.
DAISY: Including your mother and your vicious, jealous queen of a
manager?
BARNABY: Granted, I'd prefer them to be the last to know but, who
knows, they might surprise us. They both love me in their own weird
ways so they should be happy for me.
DAISY: You're expecting their blessing? Don't hold your breath.
BARNABY: For God's sakes, I'm not a kid. In the end it's up to
me to decide what to do with the rest of my life. OK , I may worry
about Terry on all sorts of levels but Frank can go fuck himself.
I'm damned sure he'll drop me like a brick once he finds out and
he'll move swiftly on to some other poor golden goose.
DAISY: I suspect he won't give you up that easily. I think you
should prepare yourself for some pretty persuasive arguments coming
your way.
BARNABY: You think he'll try to stop me from coming out as straight?
God, that sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? Why should anyone be
worried about not being gay.
DAISY: They shouldn't unless it's the reason they're rich
and famous.
BARNABY: You mean the only reason they're rich and famous?
DAISY: Don't start that. If you are going to come out as who and
what you really are there is no getting away from it. Frank has to be
the first to know.
BARNABY: What about your parents? Do they know about the baby? Do
they know about me? I mean about what I really am to you.
DAISY: No, they know I work for you and they know that I have a
boyfriend. They just don't know that you are one and the same.
BARNABY: How will they take it, do you think?
DAISY: Well, luckily, they never watch telly apart from news and
current affairs so you are just a name to them. They don't know
what you actually do or how you do it!
BARNABY: You'll have to tell them before it hits the papers
presumably they do read the papers?
DAISY: Only The West Wiltshire Herald.
BARNABY: And what do you mean "if" I'm going to come out?
I've told you this is the moment I've been waiting for. And now
not only do I get my life back but I get a wife and child with it.
DAISY: "Wife"? Was that a proposal by any chance?
BARNABY: Why the surprise?
DAISY: I suppose I'd just like to be sure that I would get a
proposal even without your child on board.
BARNABY: (Holds her gently) You know very well. I've always
intended to go public about our relationship. (Touches her stomach)
Come on, let's celebrate. Where shall we go? Oh, damn, I forgot
you brought in takeaway.
DAISY: I had a feeling you wouldn't be hungry after I'd dropped my
bombshell so I skipped the Thai place and went to the off licence
instead.
BARNABY: I thought you'd been rather speedy. So there's no spicy
rice dish keeping warm in the oven?
DAISY: No, but there's some rather fancy champagne keeping cool in
the fridge.
BARNABY: Sounds good to me. Let's be having it. I'd prefer to
celebrate at home
anyway.
DAISY: Phone call first.(Taking out her mobile) I'll go and get the
bubbly. (Throwing him the landline phone) You talk to Frank.
BARNABY: But
DAISY: No "buts" go ahead and ruin Frank's evening and then
we'll have two things to celebrate.
BARNABY: (Crosses himself then dials, anxiously waits for reply and
looks relieved when he obviously gets a voice message). Hi, Frank,
it's me, your favourite golden goose. Give me a call when you get
this message. I've got good news and bad news for you. And guess
what? They're both the same thing.
END OF SCENE ONE
[end of extract]