Small Change by Terence Kuch
ACT ONE
An office: baseball-themed posters and memorabilia with team name
"Vandals"
ELLEN looking through files and folders
Enter JANE, immediately followed by WALTER
JANE (to WALTER): No, and no again! My dear departed late husband
refused to sell the stadium naming rights, and I'm not going to
dishonor his memory now, especially not by renaming it for some
gigantic corporation!
JANE (to ELLEN): What's up today, Ellen?
WALTER (to JANE): FlexiCorp is a highly reputable corporate citizen,
Aunt Jane.
JANE (to WALTER): I'm sure.
ELLEN (to JANE): The team manager will be here to discuss your new
prize pitcher.
JANE: Show Mike right in when he arrives.
ELLEN: And your fiancé is coming by to take you to lunch.
JANE: Thank you, Ellen. That's all for right now.
exit ELLEN
JANE (to WALTER): FlexiCorp: Weren't they "Flexner County Power
and Light" as long as I can remember, until, oh, two years ago?
WALTER: That's right.
JANE: So they decided to call themselves "FlexiCorp"! Walter, what
is this mania for re-naming and re-branding things? Are the old names
worthless? What about all the goodwill? Just blow it away?
WALTER: Everything is different now.
JANE: "The times they are a-changing!"
WALTER: Besides, it's only a small change.
JANE: Well, there's change that makes sense, and change that makes
no sense, small or not. If "FlexiCorp," now, had some connection
to my baseball team ...
WALTER: It's my team too.
JANE: or with the stadium, even if they just had the hot dog
concession - that might make a difference.
WALTER: Electricity -
JANE: To keep the hot dogs warm? Well, didn't I read in the paper
yesterday that FlexiCorp is trying to get out of the electric utility
business?
WALTER: Just a rumor.
JANE: Because it's regulated, and that caps their profits? So
they're buying a big construction company, and God knows what else?
And ...
WALTER: They still pump electricity.
JANE: Until they can figure out how don't have to. Walter, I don't
see it.
WALTER: Just a business deal.
JANE: Even if my late husband's name weren't on the stadium, I
don't think I'd want "FlexiCorp"'s name there instead. -
And neither would your mother.
WALTER: What's my mother got to do with it?
JANE: Don't forget she was Phil's sister; she was almost as
dedicated to the Vandals as Phil was.
WALTER: But it's money, Aunt Jane. Money for you.
JANE: And for you, Walter, or you wouldn't be here.
WALTER: All right, I stand to make some money.
JANE: I have enough money already.
WALTER: You could hand it out to your favorite charities. Didn't you
just give a nice gift to the cancer society?
JANE: Yes, ...
WALTER: And think of the other stockholders. Don't they deserve to
make some money here?
JANE: I guess that could be a point.
WALTER: Phil Whittaker owned all the stock, and you have half of it
now - almost. The rest went to about thirty-forty friends and
relatives.
JANE: Including you.
WALTER: I have a stake in the club, yes.
JANE: Greed.
WALTER: I prefer to call it "maximizing gain on my investment."
JANE: Look: if the stadium name were really bad, I'd agree to the
change.
WALTER: It's not that the name is bad, but…
JANE: Not only does the name not need changing, you're talking about
my late husband. "Phil Whittaker Stadium, home of the Baseball
Vandals." Are you so tone-deaf you don't hear the ring of that?
Phil built this stadium, and he built the Vandals. Flexner strung
power lines. But "FlexiCorp" never built a thing; just another
Enron, if you ask me.
WALTER: Enron paid a hundred million for thirty years of naming rights
in Houston.
JANE: That didn't last.
WALTER: So it turned out. But the club got real money - for a year
or two. And then they sold the naming rights all over again, for even
more money.
JANE: You're right about the money, Walter. But think of baseball! A
century and more of tradition. Think of Wrigley Field; Comiskey Park
- !
WALTER: Sure. And you should think of Pac Bell Park, Safeco Field,
QualComm Park, Tropicana Field, Minute Maid Park, UMAX Coliseum.
JANE: So they sold out. Anyway, UMAX must be a university.
WALTER: Sorry, they make computer parts. - Names of things are just
commodities now. Just branding.
JANE: Just like cows. "Rope 'em and brand 'em."
WALTER: Names for money. Publicity. No risk!
JANE (sardonically): Free lunch.
WALTER: Now you're catching on! Free, and lots of it. Nothing to do
but sign on the dotted line and let the money roll down like a mighty
stream.
JANE: That's very Biblical of you, Walter, very Presbyterian. But I
don't think the original referred to "money"; and this plan to
stick some strange name on the upper deck and a corporate flag in the
breeze over center field - I just don't think that's right.
WALTER: Are you saying "no," then?
JANE: I'm saying "no," Walter.
WALTER: That's too bad. But you know if I push it through a
stockholder vote you'll have both your righteousness and your money
too. So won't that be a little hypocritical of you?
JANE: Not by choice.
WALTER: If it's a bare majority vote, everybody but you, I'll take
it. But I want you to join us for unanimity's sake; to look good to
all the directors and the media and the fans. And so you won't look
like a damn stubborn holdout.
JANE: But I am a "damn stubborn holdout"; why hide it? And I'm
not giving in. Why don't you just call a stockholder's meeting and
vote approval? I have a shade less than fifty percent, and I presume
you've convinced everyone else to go along.
WALTER: We'd rather have you on our side. Family values. Stand tall
together.
JANE: That's thoughtful of you, Walter. But I just don't trust
your motives here. Thoughtfulness and family-feeling isn't like you.
You're still the same old Walter.
Walter is silent
JANE (CONT'D): But if you have everyone else on your side - wait
I know! - I'll bet one of the stockholders turned you down!
Walter is silent
JANE (CONT'D): So that's why you need me; you don't have all the
rest. You don't control a majority of the shares!
Walter is silent
JANE (CONT'D): But if they turned you down, it's all over, isn't
it? I win.
Walter is silent
JANE (CONT'D): Unless they're - still thinking about it.
WALTER: Uh, something like that.
JANE: And you won't tell me who these undecided stockholders are.
WALTER: That's right.
JANE: Walter, you do maintain the corporate records, but as a major
stockholder and an officer of the corporation I have a legal right to
know who all the owners are. Should I call my attorney right now?
You'd better tell me who it is. Then I'll make my pitch, and
you'll make your pitch, if you haven't already. That's fair
play. We'll both make presentations. The decision will be made, one
way or the other. Fair and square.
WALTER: That won't be possible.
JANE picks up phone
JANE: Oh come on; don't be difficult. You know I could find out in a
day or two by myself, but I want to know right now.
WALTER: You're right about the law.
JANE: Well then? Give me the names!
WALTER: (reluctantly) We haven't been able to trace them.
JANE: You can't find them? How many people are we talking about
here?
WALTER: Not "people" exactly; a charity. Seems to be a pretty
marginal operation, moves around, comes and goes. They own a hundred
shares.
JANE: The decision's down to a hundred shares?
WALTER: You own fifty percent of the stock, less some tiny fraction of
one percent. I own two percent. I've canvassed all but one of the
other stockholders, and they've all agreed that the Board should
sell the stadium naming rights; I have their proxies. But there's
one last stockholder, this charity I can't find.
JANE: So this mysterious charity owns just enough shares to decide?
WALTER: That's right. We've never been evenly split before, so it
didn't matter until now.
JANE: My husband - did something, didn't he?
WALTER: It seems he did. The records say he donated one hundred shares
to a charity, just a few months before he died.
JANE: Are you sure it's a charity?
WALTER: It seems to be. Unless he was trying to cover up a debt.
JANE: One of my late husband's "dates" he didn't think I knew
about?
WALTER: That's possible.
JANE: Did you know about them?
WALTER: Not officially.
JANE: I'll let that pass for now. - So you're still looking for
this missing stockholder?
WALTER: With some investigative help.
JANE: And when you find him - or her -
WALTER: I'll persuade him to vote my way. And I'll inform you,
within whatever period is prescribed by law, of his name and address
- or hers. But by then I'm sure it will be too late; the FlexiCorp
naming deal will be done.
JANE: We'll see.
WALTER: Since you're being so stubborn, I suppose there's no point
my sticking around here.
JANE: No, Walter, I suppose not. You can tell FlexiCorp to go name a
power pole - or a backhoe - or a parking lot - or whatever. Just
keep their hands off Phil Whittaker Stadium!
WALTER: - Goodbye, Aunt Jane!
Exit WALTER
JANE: Ellen?
enter ELLEN
ELLEN: Yes, Ms. Whittaker?
JANE: You've been here about seven years, as I recall.
ELLEN: That's right.
JANE: So you must have worked for my husband for about two years,
before he died.
ELLEN: That's right, I was right out of college when I started here.
JANE: I don't know if you heard any of my conversation with Walter
- well, I'm sure you did; we were loud enough.
ELLEN nods 'yes'
JANE: Do you remember Phil Whittaker's ever giving shares in the
ball club to a charity?
ELLEN: No, ma'am. And not to anyone else. And nothing of any kind to
charity at all. Ever.
JANE: That was Phil, all right. Never gave away a dime. When anyone
asked a contribution, he'd say "charity begins at home," and see
them out the door. - But now it seems he gave away a hundred
shares.
ELLEN: Is that a lot of money?
JANE: It wasn't much at the time. Maybe - five dollars a share.
That was before the MegaBank conglomerate decided to upscale the old
rust-belt neighborhood around here. Now sometimes I think the land is
worth more than the team; anyway, the stock is worth more than five
dollars a share now.
ELLEN: Still, it doesn't sound like him. Even five hundred dollars
worth of stock ...
JANE: that isn't even publicly traded. - Ellen, I'd like to ask
you a personal question, if you don't mind.
ELLEN: No prob - No, I - probably I don't mind.
JANE: I know my late husband was, well, an earlier age would have
called it "promiscuous."
ELLEN: I can't say, Ms. Whittaker.
JANE: Ellen, this is woman to woman. Call me Jane - for now. And
tell the truth.
ELLEN: - All right.
JANE: Were you ever - did Phil Whittaker ever - ah -
ELLEN: No, Ms. Wh - Jane. He did - hint around though.
JANE: Just hinted.
ELLEN: Well -
JANE: Propositioned you.
ELLEN: That wasn't the word he used.
JANE: I don't think Phil knew any words as long as
"propositioned."
ELLEN: Made it clear that…
JANE: That he was interested, I suppose.
ELLEN (rapidly): Made it clear that I was the only woman in the front
office he hadn't - slept with - yet and that I'd break his
perfect record not to mention several thousand dollars in bets he'd
placed with men in his club, his social club that is not the ball
club, and several men in the ball club too including the five most
recent team managers and that if I didn't - go to a hotel with him
within forty-eight hours the bets would all be called in and he'd
lose thousands of dollars not to mention three future draft choices
and two free agents and that he would be so grateful that he'd give
me some of his winnings right away maybe fifty or sixty dollars. Each
time we did it. Within the next forty-eight hours. - But…
JANE: But you didn't.
ELLEN: I didn't and I was really sorry to disappoint him, but I'd
made a vow that forgive me now I regret having made because I think I
might have hastened that poor man's death by breaking his heart's
desire or at least losing him some money, and draft choices and free
agents.
JANE: But you didn't. Ah agree to
ELLEN: No, I swear to God.
JANE: Don't swear, Ellen. Phil used to swear a blue streak. If
swearing to God and then lying your head off brings its reward, then
Phil is down there running the Hellfire Nosox.
ELLEN: He didn't always lie.
JANE: No, he didn't. You know how I know? Whenever he began a
sentence with "Frankly," I knew what came next was a lie. And
whenever he started off by saying "Quite frankly," whatever
followed that was a complete whopper.
ELLEN: And he kept tipping you off like that? Why didn't he stop?
JANE: He wasn't aware of that little quirk of his, and I never told
him! And it runs in the family, too, so I've noticed. - But you
never slept with him.
ELLEN: No - Jane. "Frankly."
ELLEN and JANE laugh
ELLEN: I'm saving it for the right man.
JANE: Looks like your savings haven't been drawing any interest.
ELLEN: It's sad, isn't it. No husband and no children.
JANE: You don't have to be married to have children. These days.
ELLEN: But that's really tough, living that way.
JANE: Yes, it is.
ELLEN: You know what my cousin Rose said to me yesterday? It used to
be "Rosina," but she shortened it. She got me so upset. You know
all the time she used to say to me "Ellen, why don't you get
married"? But yesterday Rose asked me "How come you never got
married?" What a blow!
JANE: And you're only thirty.
[end of extract]