Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Borneo Ape by Bob Bishop

Price $7.99 Add to cart

This Play is the copyright of the Author and may not be performed, copied or sold without the Author's prior consent

The voice of DR WATSON is heard in the darkness

WATSON: Of the many strange adventures that my friend, Sherlock
Holmes, and I shared together, the one which affected me most deeply
on a personal level was our encounter with the Borneo Ape. Indeed, so
raw have been the wounds left by the experience, that it is only now,
after the passage of many years, that I can bring myself to record the
details; and even so, my hand shakes as I take up my pen. It was a
summer morning in '96 when it all began. I usually pride myself on
my professional dedication and competence, but on this occasion I must
own up to a small faux pas. In those days, before I obtained my own
surgery, it was usual for me to see my patients in our rooms in Baker
Street. On this particular morning, Holmes had risen early, and was
not expected back before luncheon. I was awaiting a new lady patient,
and I maintain that my mistake, though embarrassing to all concerned,
was a perfectly natural one, under the circumstances ...

Scene One

The Consulting Room of Mr Sherlock Holmes and Dr John Watson in Mrs
Hudson's lodging house, 221b Baker Street, W1

As the scene opens, DR WATSON is examining a patient ROSEMARY
MARCHBANKS- with the aid of his stethoscope. She is a comely young
woman of about 18, and is currently in her underwear.

WATSON: Big breaths, Miss Marchbanks.

ROSEMARY: Something is terribly wrong

WATSON: You must let me be the judge of that, my dear. Everything
looks A1 from where I'm standing.

ROSEMARY: But surely, all this can't be necessary?

WATSON: You want me to help you, don't you?

ROSEMARY: Of course, but

WATSON: Big deep breath, and hold it, then.

ROSEMARY takes a deep breath, which she manages to combine with a
sigh, and WATSON explores her chest with his stethoscope. SHERLOCK
HOLMES breezes in.

HOLMES: Ah, excellent, Watson you are up and about, then?

WATSON: Oh, I say, Holmes

HOLMES: Something rather juicy by the morning mail.

WATSON: Can't you see I'm busy?

ROSEMARY: Did you say, "Mr Holmes"?

WATSON: Breathe in

HOLMES: Good morning, my dear. When are you going to get your own
consulting room, Watson? I'm getting rather tired of finding
half-naked patients all over my Turkish carpet. Some mornings you
can't move in here without trampling on piles of haemorrhoids.

ROSEMARY: Please

WATSON: I really must protest, Holmes

HOLMES: Later, my dear chap. Listen to this "Must see you
urgentlymatter of life and deathonly man in London who can
helpetc, etc;" and it's signed "Rosemary Marchbanks
(Miss)"

WATSON: Good lord!

HOLMES: So if you couldyou knowput a spurt on, because she
could be here at any moment.

WATSON: She is here!

HOLMES: Is she? Where?

ROSEMARY: I am Rosemary Marchbanks.

HOLMES: How do you do? Sherlock Holmes. (Shakes her hand) Come over
here, WatsonDon't wish to sound unreasonable, old man, but if you
should have to entertain my clients in my absence, I should be
grateful if you would not undress them.

WATSON: But I thought she was my ten-o'clock, Holmes. And she said
she had a personal problem.

HOLMES: She's not the only one, is she? Go and sit over there, and
if you must open your mouth, try not to put your foot in it.

WATSON sits sulkily. HOLMES turns to ROSEMARY

I'm sorry about that misunderstanding, Miss Marchbanks. Doctor
Watson took you for his ten o'clock patient.

ROSEMARY: Evidently. I thought he was you. It seemed a bit odd when I
was asked to take my clothes off, but I have never been to a private
detective before.

HOLMES: Consulting.

ROSEMARY: I'm sorry?

HOLMES: Consulting, not private. Is it all right by you if Miss
Marchbanks gets dressed now, Watson?

WATSON: Yes, of course. Sorry.

ROSEMARY retires behind a folding screen to dress.

HOLMES: Interesting case, Watson.

WATSON: Same one I usually carry.

HOLMES: My case, I'm talking about!

WATSON: Have you got one? Oh, I see.

HOLMES: Did you notice anything about Miss Marchbanks?

WATSON: Nice underwear.

HOLMES: Apart from the underwear?

WATSON: She has an unusual birthmark on her left buttock.

HOLMES: Really?

WATSON: Shaped like a dancing weasel.

HOLMES: I missed the weasel, but I did note the strangulation marks
on the base of her neck.

WATSON: Good lord!
HOLMES: You failed to notice those, then?

WATSON: I hadn't got that far up.

Enter MRS HUDSON

HOLMES: Ah! Mrs Hudson.

HUDSON: Don't mind me, Mr Holmes, I'm just going to flick round
my duster.

WATSON: Nice trick if you can do it.

HOLMES: I should very much prefer that you did not employ your
duster in here, Mrs Hudson. I have told you before that my things must
not be disturbed.

HUDSON: You want your room nice and tidy, don't you?

HOLMES: No.

HUDSON: 'Course you do, stands to reason. I won't get in your
way. You just treat me like part of the furniture.

WATSON: Which part?

HOLMES: Forgive me, Watson; I have uncharitable thoughts towards
that woman.

WATSON: She's just house-proud, Holmes. She means well.

HUDSON: (Sings:) You are my honey-honeysuckle; I am the bee:

HOLMES: Means well! Just listen to that singing!

HUDSON: (Sings:) I'd like to kiss the honey sweet from those red
lips, you see

HOLMES: How can I concentrate upon my mental processes with that
caterwauling going on?

WATSON: I rather like it, actually, Holmes: makes the place seem
more cheerful. About Miss Marchbanks, though do you think she's
got something to hide?

MRS HUDSON removes the screen in her tidying.

HUDSON: Who moved my screen?

ROSEMARY is discovered, pulling up a stocking. She drops her skirts
hurriedly, but HOLMES and WATSON have not noticed her as they are deep
in discussion. She turns her back to finish dressing. MRS HUDSON
starts to sweep the floor on hands and knees.

HOLMES: Possibly. We shall see.

WATSON: I mean, if she's been attacked, why does she not go to the
official police?

HOLMES: Perhaps she has already done so, and been disappointed.

WATSON: Ah, yes.

WATSON raises his feet so MRS HUDSON can sweep under them.

HOLMES: Inefficiency on the part of Lestrade and his men is not
unheard-of.

WATSON: Quite.

HOLMES: (Lifting his feet) And they don't have Mrs Hudson to put
up with.

HUDSON: Up a bit more, Mr Holmes there's bits of fluff all
under your chair.

HOLMES: Mrs Hudson! This is quite intolerable! I must ask you to
leave the room at once!

HUDSON: Just these little fluffy bits

HOLMES: Those are my fluffy bits, and I wish to retain them! Kindly
leave us in peace.

HUDSON: I got my pride, Mr Holmes.

HOLMES: And I have a business to run. Out, Mrs Hudson, if you
please.
HUDSON: I'll come back later, then.

HOLMES: I'm sure you will.

HUDSON: When you're out.

HOLMES: You will do no such thing!

HUDSON: Guess who got out of bed the wrong side this morning?
(Exit)

HOLMES ushers MRS HUDSON out of the door.

Thank goodness for that. Now, Watson you were about to tell me
your own opinion of Miss Marchbanks?

WATSON: Well, I think she's a bit

HOLMES: Look out, she's coming over! How's the dysentery,
Watson?

WATSON: I haven't got dysentery.

HOLMES: The outbreak in Cheapside, I mean.

WATSON: Ah! Got you! Sort of running its course, really.

HOLMES: Ah, Miss Marchbanks. There you are. Let us try to put the
unfortunate incidents of the past quarter of an hour behind us. I hope
you will not hold Dr Watson's little faux pas against him?

ROSEMARY: I'll try.

HOLMES: He is an excellent fellow at bottom, in spite of
appearances.

ROSEMARY: I am sure it was a genuine mistake.

HOLMES: Quite. Now, please tell us your story.

ROSEMARY: Is Doctor Watson going to stay, then?

HOLMES: Certainly. He is my Man Friday, and the very soul of
discretion.
ROSEMARY: Well, if you say so
HOLMES: I do. Won't you sit down? Not you, Watson.

ROSEMARY sits

Now tell us your story, and pray leave nothing out.

ROSEMARY: The fact is, Mr Holmes, I am a little alarmed by some
goings-on at my school.

HOLMES: Please elucidate.

ROSEMARY: I am in my final year at the Lady Margaret Fairchild
Academy for Young Ladies in Somerset. Perhaps you might have heard of
it?

WATSON: No.

HOLMES: Yes. It is near Bath, is it not?

ROSEMARY: Quite near, yes.

WATSON: Fancy you knowing that, Holmes!

ROSEMARY: I expect to sit my final examinations next month, in
needlecraft and deportment and so on.

WATSON: Good for you.

ROSEMARY: Ours is a frightfully good school, and our Headmistress,
Dame Melissa Fanshawe believes in young ladies fulfilling themselves.

WATSON: Good for her.

HOLMES: Please come to the point, Miss Marchbanks.

ROSEMARY: Very well. It started last week. The first sign of
something odd must have been last Tuesday. There are no men on the
staff at our school, Mr Holmes, Dame Melissa will not permit it; and
yetand yet

HOLMES: Yes?

ROSEMARY: This is rather delicate.

HOLMES and WATSON lean forward.

Several times of late, first thing in the morning, we have found one
of the toilet seats raised in the senior girls' lavatory.

HOLMES: Yes?

ROSEMARY: Do I need to spell it out?

WATSON: Gosh, no!

HOLMES: You suspect a man on the premises.

ROSEMARY: Exactly.

HOLMES: Or, perhaps, one of the cleaners taking less care than
usual, a junior girls' prank, the janitor caught short on his
roundsI can think of a wealth of explanations off the top of my
head.

ROSEMARY: Please hear me out. A few days ago, I actually saw him

WATSON: On the toilet?

ROSEMARY: No from the window of my dorm on the first floor, the
night after we discovered the seat raised. He was climbing up one of
the drainpipes! Even as I watched, he climbed in at an open window
across the quad.

WATSON: Did you notice which one?

ROSEMARY: Yes it was the window of the Headmistress's bedroom!

WATSON: The swine!

HOLMES: So you raised the alarm?

ROSEMARY: I didn't know what to do. I woke up Audrey, and together
we went round to Miss Fanshawe's room. We found the door wide open,
and no-one inside.

HOLMES: So did you summon the police?

ROSEMARY: Oh, no, Mr Holmes! Ours is a very exclusive school. Our
parents would withdraw us at once if there were a whiff of scandal,
and I do so want to take my examinations!

HOLMES: Understood. Pray continue.

ROSEMARY: We didn't know what to do, so we went back to bed. We
didn't sleep for simply ages.

WATSON: I bet!

HOLMES: And the next morning?

ROSEMARY: Everything seemed normal. I told Miss Fanshawe what I had
seen, but she just laughed at me and said I must have dreamed it. But
I didn't, Mr Holmes! I know what I saw! Besidessomething else has
happened. Something much, much worse!

HOLMES: I suspected as much. We are coming to it now, Watson.

WATSON: Super!

ROSEMARY: Last nightoh! It was horrid! I wasI was

HOLMES: You were attacked in your bed.

ROSEMARY: Why, yes. How did you know?

HOLMES: There are bruises around your neck that are clearly visible
only when you are not fully dressed.

ROSEMARY: Ah, yes.

WATSON: But how did you know she was in bed, Holmes?

HOLMES: The marks would have been less distinct if made through her
clothing, Watson. The most likely explanation was that they were
inflicted whilst wearing a low-necked nightgown.

WATSON: Ah yes. Clever.

HOLMES: Not really.

ROSEMARY: It isn't all that low-necked quite decent.

HOLMES: I'm sure. Please continue with your narrative, Miss
Marchbanks. As much detail as you can remember, if you please. First
can you describe your attacker?

ROSEMARY: It was a man; very strong and extremely hairy.

WATSON: Oh!

ROSEMARY: I couldn't see him clearly because it was very dark. I
was in the dorm alone, because Audrey was on duty. I had just put out
my light when something huge and shapeless came at me out of the
shadows. He was so big and powerful! I tried to resist, but he put his
hands round my neck, and hauled me out of bed

WATSON: The cad!

ROSEMARY: We rolled upon the floor, over and over in the darkness.
His hairy, calloused hands were all over me. Hehe ripped off my
nightdress!

WATSON: I say!

ROSEMARY: And his pants

WATSON: He ripped off his pants?

ROSEMARY: No his pants were loud and terrifying, like this:
huh-huh-huh. I can hear it now!

WATSON: So can I!

ROSEMARY: And his grunts!

WATSON: You saw them?

ROSEMARY: Heard them! Deep, animal grunts, from deep in his throat. I
fought like anything, but I was no match for himoh, Mr Holmes!

HOLMES: There is no need to say more.

WATSON: Yes, there is!

ROSEMARY: Just when I thought it was all up for me, I managed to free
one of my legs, and I kicked out at him with all my strength.

WATSON: Did you make contact?

ROSEMARY: I think I must have done. He sucked in his breath loudly,
gave a terrible cry, and jumped out of the window.

WATSON: Well done, Miss Marchbanks! That'll make him think twice
about assaulting young women in the future!

HOLMES: Anything else to tell?

ROSEMARY: I don't think so.

WATSON: Isn't it enough, Holmes?

HOLMES: Did you, perhaps, notice a particular smell upon his
breath?

ROSEMARY: But that is amazing, Mr Holmes! His breath did smell of
some kind of fruit I thought it odd at the time.

WATSON: Oranges?

ROSEMARY: No bananas.

HOLMES: I knew it!

ROSEMARY: How did you guess, Mr Holmes?

HOLMES: Watson will tell you, Miss Marchbanks, that I never
guess

WATSON: He never guesses.

HOLMES: I deduce from the available evidence. The evidence in
your own case is particularly intriguing, and points in the direction
of bananas.

WATSON: Well, I'm blowed!

HOLMES: You have behaved in the bravest possible manner, Miss
Marchbanks. You are a credit to your sex and to your school.

WATSON: Absolutely!

HOLMES: If you feel able to do so, I should like you to return to
the Academy and behave as though nothing has happened. There is danger
here, but you are a brave young woman, and with my help you need have
no fear of your life.

ROSEMARY: You can really help me, then?

HOLMES: Yes. And so can Doctor Watson.

ROSEMARY: Oh.

HOLMES: You were quite right to come to me. Rest assured, I shall
have your attacker behind bars of some sort by tomorrow
morning, if you follow my instructions carefully.

ROSEMARY: Of course. What am I to do?

HOLMES: First, I need to know if your father is well known at the
school?

ROSEMARY: Why, no. I don't believe Daddy has ever visited. I have
often chided him for it.

HOLMES: And do you have, by any chance, a sister?

ROSEMARY: Why yes I have a younger sister, Desirée.

HOLMES: Then I see a clear course of action. Attend your lessons as
normal; retire at the usual hour; give no-one the slightest indication
of your suspicion. Can you do that?

ROSEMARY: My friend, Audrey, already knows.

HOLMES: Then she must do as you do. Can you rely upon her?

ROSEMARY: Absolutely.

HOLMES: Excellent. (He rings the servant bell) You will be hearing
from us very shortly, my dear.

MRS HUDSON enters

Ah, Mrs Hudson. Perhaps you would show our visitor the door?

HUDSON: Certainly, Mr Holmes. Here we are, Miss, this is it. Lovely
bit of mahogany.

HOLMES: Mrs Hudson!

HUDSON: Just my little joke, sir. He-he! This way, Miss.

Exeunt MRS HUDSON and ROSEMARY

I really must stop feeding her lines like that. Well, Watson, what
do you make of it all now, eh?

WATSON: Blessed if I know what to think. Bit of a puzzler.

HOLMES: Most of it fits into place, I think, and yet

MRS HUDSON returns.

HUDSON: She's gone.

HOLMES: Tell me. Mrs H, what would you assume if a great hairy man
who smelt strongly of bananas hauled you from your bed one night and
ripped off your nightgown?

HUDSON: What would I assume?

HOLMES: Yes.

HUDSON; That 'ee'd gone into the wrong room. Will there be
anything else?

HOLMES: No thank you, Mrs Hudson. No supper tonight: Doctor Watson
and I are going to Bath together.

HUDSON: Not in my house, you're not.

Exit MRS HUDSON

HOLMES: Strange woman. Well, Watson have you put two and two
together yet?

WATSON: No, I haven't! What's all this infernal nonsense about
bananas?

HOLMES: Never mind the bananas, Watson - why should a gorilla raise
a toilet seat?

WATSON: You know I'm no good at conundrums.

HOLMES: And where does the headmistress keep it hidden during the
day?

WATSON: Hidden? What are you talking about?

HOLMES: The gorilla, Watson! Surely you realised that was what
attacked Miss Marchbanks?

WATSON: A gorilla!

HOLMES: Of course hairy, calloused hands, eats bananas, agile
enough to climb drainpipes, and jump from first-storey windows, even
when in considerable pain: one of the anthropoid apes without a doubt.
Could be an orang-utan or a large chimp, but my money is on a
gorilla.

WATSON: You astound me, Holmes! A gorilla? Strewth!

HOLMES: The headmistress is behind this, without a doubt, but where
does she hide it away in the daytime? Not an easy animal to hide in a
girls' school; in a boys' school, of course, it could easily have
been passed off as one of the pupils.

WATSON: Very funny.

HOLMES: Ah, well. Get your things together, Watson, we have a busy
day ahead.

WATSON: Shall I look up the trains to Bath?

HOLMES: Not yet. First the West End - we have some shopping to do;
then the next fast train to Bath.

WATSON: So the game's afoot again, eh, Holmes?

HOLMES: Yes, Watson. The game's afoot!

BLACK OUT

In the blackout we hear a shop door bell tinkle, followed by the
voice of a female shop assistant

GIRL: Can I help you, gentlemen?

HOLMES: Do you stock the uniforms for Lady Margaret Fairchild's
Academy in the county of Somerset?

GIRL: Certainly, sir. Walk this way.

HOLMES: Don't walk that way, Watson everyone is looking at
you.

GIRL: Here we are. What would you like to see?

HOLMES: Oh, everything, everything. My little girl will be starting
there next term.

WATSON: Is there something you haven't been telling me, Holmes?

HOLMES: No. Keep your voice down. And don't touch those, or
you'll have to buy them.

WATSON: Sorry. They're nice, though, aren't they? What do you
want the uniform for?

HOLMES: Someone must impersonate a new pupil at the school in order
to gain entrance.

WATSON: What a topping wheeze! Hang on, though we don't know
any little girls, do we?

HOLMES: No. Shh! She's coming back.

WATSON: Good lord! You're not going to disguise yourself as a
little girl, are you?

HOLMES: Of course I'm not. You are.

WATSON: What!

GIRL: Here we are, gentlemen gym-slips, hats, blouses, jackets,
and underwear. What size would your daughter be?

HOLMES: Oh, humabout this gentleman's size.

WATSON: No, she isn't!
HOLMES: Yes, she is.

GIRL: Quite a big girl, then?

HOLMES: Yes.

WATSON: This is ridiculous!

HOLMES: Stop muttering, Watson, and hold this up against yourself.

WATSON: I've never felt so stupid in my entire life.

HOLMES: Oh, you must have. Yes, they look about right, Miss. We'll
take one of those, one of those, a pair of those, and some of those.

GIRL: Will you be wanting the gym knickers, sir?

WATSON: No, we won't!

GIRL: Would you like them wrapped?

HOLMES: What do you think, Watson? Should we have them wrapped, or
will you wear them home?

WATSON: Very funny. Very funny.

HOLMES: Yes, please, Miss. Wrap them up. This gentleman will be
paying.

WATSON: Oh, I say!

The shop bell rings again

Holmes! Don't leave me! Holmesoh, really!

[end of extract]

Price $7.99 Add to cart