Separating the Men from the Bull by Michael Heintzman & Neal Lerner

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This Play is the copyright of the Author and may not be performed, copied or sold without the Author's prior consent

Cast of characters

Mister Very officious man
Man Regular Joe
Eric little boy
Richie friend of Eric's
Ray Estranged from Jack
Jack Used to have a friend named Ray
Clyde Large Brahman bull
Teddy Another Brahman bull
David Exceedingly flamboyant gay man
Tim Even more exceedingly flamboyant and gay than David
Larry Shy man with aspirations
Peter Larry's friend who hides his aspirations
Henry Robert and Janet's friend
Robert Janet and Henry's friend

SCENE 5
(A secluded clearing overlooking a
pasture. A full moon appears
overlooking a pasture. Haystacks dot
the horizon with the sound of cows
bellowing, mooing in the distance.)

(Clyde, a scrawny, spindly Brahman bull
comes shuffling on. Clyde is not your
typical fireplug of bubbling, snorting
testosterone. His face is a bit pushed
in and one horn sits higher than the
other giving him a bizarre Picasso
look. He speaks with a heavy New
Jersey accent.)

CLYDE
You know, it seems like every year it gets harder
and harder to screw thirty-five hundred head of
heifers. No rest for the weary.

(The haystack rustles and Clyde spots
two horns sticking out.)

CLYDE
Moo!

(Clyde carefully circles the haystack as Teddy, a much bigger Brahman
backs up from the other end of the haystack.)

(Teddy is handsome, a real looker and hung like a horse. He also
hails from New Jersey.)

CLYDE
Wolves Ted, run for it!

(Teddy bolts as Clyde falls down laughing.)

TEDDY
Very funny Clyde.

CLYDE
I've been looking all over for you.

TEDDY
I was down by the river thinking.

CLYDE
Thinking? You don't think.

TEDDY
I got a lot on my mind.

CLYDE
The girls didn't find you? I'm beating them off
with a stick.

TEDDY
Clyde, don't kid yourself. You beating them off?

CLYDE
Listen Beefcake, I get my share.

TEDDY
With a face like that I bet that's not the only
thing your beating.

CLYDE
You want some of this?

TEDDY
Come on, I'm waiting.

(Clyde charges Ted. Ted side-steps
him.)

TEDDY
Toro.

(Clyde takes a header into a fence
post.)

CLYDE
Ouch!

TEDDY
Hey Clyde, did you think there were more BBQ's this
year than last?

CLYDE
Hell I'm lucky if I remember to shit outside my
stall let alone…

TEDDY
Red was saying-

CLYDE
Wait, the cock?

TEDDY
He's a Rhode Island Rooster.

CLYDE
Red is a cock.

TEDDY
Whatever but the cock counted 'em. Fifty-seven!
Every year there are more and more. We are being
led to slaughter faster than ever before.

CLYDE
Speaking of the Big House, did I ever tell you the
Legend of Buck?

TEDDY
Why do you do that?

CLYDE
Do what?

TEDDY
Whenever I start a serious conversation you bring up
some stupid rural myth.

CLYDE
No listen, Mary overheard the owner telling his
nephew the story of “the bull who got away.”

TEDDY
Mary the old grey mare?

CLYDE
Yeah.

TEDDY
That tub-of-glue has the biggest mouth on the
prairie.

CLYDE
She swears it's true.

TEDDY
Horsehit.

CLYDE
How they were taking him down to the Big House for
slaughter-

TEDDY
Oooh, soo spooky!

CLYDE
Getting on toward dusk, Buck is the last one to
enter.

TEDDY
Don't go in, don't do it!

CLYDE
Doors close…bolts lock…the man hits the lever-

(Teddy is unnerved.)

TEDDY
Clyde, that's enough.

CLYDE
Comes in to finish him off and…he's gone!

TEDDY
Gone?

CLYDE
Like the wind. Nothing but a bell hanging from the
hook.

TEDDY
How?

CLYDE
The doors close, bolts lock- But wait! Buck looks
down and sees a bit of fungus on his hoof. He
reaches down to chew it off, hydraulic shoots out
and it misses him! Door flies open and Buck
shimmies out on his stomachs to freedom. They say
he's living in San Diego County with a vegan family.
Eats tofu off the floor and sleeps with the dog…

(A sexy moo is heard in the distance.
Teddy reacts, dives into the haystack.)

CLYDE
What did I say?

TEDDY
See who that is.

(Clyde looks off.)

CLYDE
It's the wild one, Juanita. She's got that Mad Cow
look don't you think?

(Ted peaks out.)

TEDDY
Tell me when she's gone.

CLYDE
Coast is clear. What's with you?

TEDDY
A full moon to boot, figures.

CLYDE
And the cow jumped over the moon.

TEDDY
That didn't happen.

CLYDE
I know it didn't happen but it's fun to think about.
Did you know that the moon is an aphrodisiac?

TEDDY
Looks round to me.

CLYDE
(singing)
Fly me to the moon, let me swing among those stars.
Let me see what-
(staring at Ted's butt)
-Is with your tail?

(Teddy whips around.)

TEDDY
What?

CLYDE
It's not swishing.

TEDDY
Don't be snooping around my backside.

CLYDE
What is wrong, you catch something from the herd?

TEDDY
I wish.

CLYDE
What does that mean?

TEDDY
Nothing, it's a private matter.

CLYDE
And you can't tell your best pal?

TEDDY
You promise you won't say a word?

CLYDE
I promise.

TEDDY
Cross your legs.
(Clyde crosses all four.)

TEDDY
(continuing)
Do you swear?

CLYDE
I swear on my mother's gravy.

TEDDY
Double swear.

CLYDE
Teddy what is up?
TEDDY
(re: his crotch)
This is not!

CLYDE
What are you saying? You're limp?

TEDDY
Louder, Kansas didn't hear you.

CLYDE
You saying you're-

TEDDY
Omnipotent.

CLYDE
You mean impotent.

TEDDY
All I know is I say tomato-
(re: his crotch)
And he says potato.

CLYDE
But you're a bull.

TEDDY
I know.

CLYDE
It's what we do Ted.

TEDDY
Excuse me while I find a matador to run me through.

CLYDE
Wait a minute, let's think this through.

TEDDY
I tried thinking, it hurt too much.

CLYDE
Wait! You don't think you're a…queer bull, do ya?

TEDDY
Shit! You think?

CLYDE
What do you feel when you look at me?

TEDDY
...Pity.

CLYDE
Good! Do you have
any weird dreams or desires?

TEDDY
You mean aside from the ice-dancing?

CLYDE
Yeah.

TEDDY
I like to watch the guernseys get milked.

CLYDE
Nothing wrong with that. Don't worry, as long as
I'm the only one-

(Teddy looks askance.)

CLYDE
(continuing)
Oh no, who else?

TEDDY
The Wild One.

CLYDE
Juanita! Ted, she's very kinky.

TEDDY
Tell me about it. She wanted to be hobbled and
facing the lake so she could watch while we do it.

CLYDE
That is so hot! What happened?

TEDDY
We were down at the lake and she's bucking and
moaning, talking dirty.

CLYDE
How dirty?

TEDDY
The usual.

CLYDE
The usual for me is; “are you in?”

TEDDY
Well, I couldn't do it and I think she might suspect
something.

CLYDE
How did you get out of it?

TEDDY
I made up some excuse and told her to meet me
tonight. Clyde, if she knows…

CLYDE
Doors close, bolts lock!

TEDDY
What am I gonna do?

CLYDE
Move to India?

TEDDY
Not funny.

CLYDE
Give me a minute.

TEDDY
I'm sick of this all this pressure. All these
heifers wanting one thing.

CLYDE
This is all mental.

TEDDY
I doubt that.

CLYDE
It has to do with how you go about romancing.

TEDDY
Romancing?

CLYDE
Yeah, how do you start? What are your lines?

TEDDY
My lines?

CLYDE
Yeah, like; “It's a beautiful night to sire;” “you
feed here often?”; what's a cow like you doing at a
salt lick like this?”

TEDDY
You say that shit?

CLYDE
Yeah, don't you?

TEDDY
No.

CLYDE
Well that's the problem. Ted, we're gonna have to
do some role-playing.

TEDDY
Role-playing?

CLYDE
Role-playing. To find the source of your problem
we'll assume roles. You be you, I'll be Juanita.

[end of extract]

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