Sass 'N' Frass by Nader Valian
THE WOODS
The stage is covered in rocks, branches, and sticks
Upstage is a tree
Onstage is SASS, a short, thin young girl
She is plain. She is older than FRASS, her brother by two days (or so they
have been told). Their age is uncertain as they do not know their own
age. Standing next to FRASS, a tall, large young boy. They are dressed
in clothes that are much too small for them. They carry nothing but
their backpacks.
SASS: Alright, you big gorilla. Sit down.
FRASS: Are you going to beat me now?
SASS: Maybe I am!
FRASS: No!
SASS: Swine!
FRASS: Please!
SASS: Hog!
FRASS: Have mercy!
SASS:Well, the only thing I know is…
FRASS: We're being watched!
They address the audience.
SASS: Oh, hello…
FRASS: Hello!
SASS: Where did you guys come from?
FRASS: Never mind where they came from…ask them the way out.
SASS: Okay…
Silence.
FRASS: Ask them the way out…
SASS: Okay, okay! (to Audience.) You guys wouldn't happen to, um, know
the way out of here? Would you?
FRASS: We're lost…
SASS: Yes. My name is Sass. This is my little brother…
FRASS: Frass.
SASS: Yes.
FRASS: Well, not little…younger…
SASS: Yes.
FRASS: By only two days.
SASS: Yes.
FRASS: So we are told…
SASS: Yes.
FRASS: For all we know I could be the older one.
SASS: It is unlikely.
FRASS: But I am the bigger one.
SASS: If eyes do not deceive.
FRASS: Yes.
SASS: Only because you eat all the food.
FRASS: That is when there is food.
SASS: Yes. Food has been scarce lately.
FRASS: Yes. (to Audience.) So, do you all know the way out or not?
(Silence.) Maybe they're deaf.
SASS: (Shouts.) Hey, people!!!
Silence.
FRASS: Maybe they're not there.
SASS: What do you mean? They're standing right there.
FRASS: Maybe we're hallucinating.
SASS: Both of us?
FRASS: I don't know. It's possible. Maybe they're a figment of our
imaginations.
SASS: It is unlikely.
FRASS: Anyway, it doesn't look like they are going to be of any help.
SASS: No…
FRASS: Maybe if we beat the answer of them. Punish them for their
silence. And if they scream, we'll know they're real.
SASS: What are you talking about? There's two of us and hundreds of
them! We're outnumbered.
FRASS: I can take them on.
FRASS picks up a stick.
SASS: No, put that down.
FRASS puts the stick down.
FRASS: Why are they watching us?
SASS: I don't know. Maybe they're lost too.
FRASS: They're making me nervous. (Shouts.) Hey, people! Stop looking
at us!
Pause.
FRASS: It's not working!
SASS: Come on, Frass…
FRASS: Who needs them?
SASS: It seems as if there is a wall between us.
SASS reaches out to audience but feels distanced from them.
FRASS: Somebody will show up and save us.
SASS: What makes you think today will be any different?
FRASS: I know it. (Beat.) Maybe if we pray.
SASS: Pray?
FRAS: Yes.
SASS: It won't work.
FRASS: We could try.
SASS: Okay. How do we pray?
FRASS: I don't know. I've never done it before.
SASS: Neither have I.
FRASS: Okay, how's this…dear…who are we praying to?
SASS: I don't know.
FRASS: Dear sir…
SASS: Why 'sir'?
FRASS: Because we don't know his name.
SASS: He could easily be a she.
FRASS: Okay. I see your point. Dear sir or madam…
SASS: That's better.
FRASS: We would like to ask for your help…for we are lost…in case
you don't know us or have forgotten who we are…we are Frass and
Sass.
SASS: Sass and Frass.
FRASS: Right. And we are lost in the woods. We need to find our way
back home before we are punished. Not that we mind being punished. I
know you don't know anything about being punished…except how to
punish…you have punished us a great deal…I'll tell you, it hurts.
But if you can send someone who will help us, we would greatly
appreciate it. Thank you. Love…
SASS: Sass…
FRASS: And Frass. Do you think that was any good?
SASS: That will have to do.
FRASS: So what…do we just wait?
SASS: I suppose so. There's nothing else to do.
FRASS: I'm hungry.
SASS: As am I.
FRASS: I wonder what fingers taste like.
SASS: Probably like fingers.
FRASS: Yes. Now if only we had an axe…you know, I'm prepared to chop
off my fingers.
SASS: You can chop off your fingers. I'm not chopping off mine.
FRASS: They'll grow back.
SASS: They will not.
FRASS: Some animals' extremities grow back. Entire appendages!
SASS: Not humans. Except for fingernails.
FRASS: Sometimes, I find it very disappointing to be a human. It has
its let-downs.
SASS: I've saved us a can of beans but…
FRASS: Where did you find that?
SASS: Where it was.
FRASS: You've been holding out on me.
SASS: I…
FRASS: Give it to me.
SASS: No, I'm saving it for when we are really hungry.
FRASS: I'm hungry now.
SASS: You're always hungry.
FRASS: I said give it to me.
SASS: No! Get back!
FRASS tackles SASS. He grabs her backpack and pulls out the beans.
SASS grabs them from FRASS. FRASS jumps on her back, knocking her to
the ground.
SASS: Get off of me you big gorilla!
FRASS: Give me the beans! Give them to me or I'll tell.
SASS: Who you going to tell?
FRASS: We'll go home soon enough and I'll them you tried to starve me
and they'll punish you!
SASS: This is our only food.
FRASS: That's why I want it!
SASS: Let go!
FRASS: No, you let go!
FRASS grabs the can of beans. He runs, laughing.
SASS: Bring them back! Bring them back or I'll punish you myself. And
you're not going to like it!
FRASS: You have no authority.
SASS: I'm older than you. I can.
FRASS: You're only two days older. So we have been told.
FRASS opens the beans.
SASS: Frass, don't you dare!
FRASS shoves the beans down his mouth. He eats the whole thing. He
burps.
SASS: Give me some!
SASS grabs the can. It's empty. She reaches into her backpack and
takes out a rope and a whip. She wraps the rope around his neck. He
squeals. She whips him. FRASS screams in pain yet with a hint of
delight.
SASS: Donkey! Gorilla! Swine!
SASS takes the rope off. She kicks him in the rear. FRASS falls over.
SASS: Serves you right. I hope those beans were worth it.
FRASS: They were. They were so good. Mmm-mm. All the way down to my
tummy.
SASS: Okay, Frass.
FRASS: But they don't beat a home-cooked meal.
SASS: No.
Beat.
FRASS: Sass, I want to go home.
SASS: I know. I do, too.
FRASS: Do you think we'll ever go home?
SASS: I don't know.
FRASS: I do. If we don't, we could always kill each other.
SASS: You're an idiot.
FRASS: What a horrible thing to say.
SASS: How can we kill each other? If I kill you, how do you propose to
kill me?
FRASS: I don't know…
SASS: Didn't think that one through.
FRASS: Suppose we kill each other at the same time! Suicide may be an
alternative to getting out of this hell-hole. But when I think about
it, I prefer to be here with you. (Silence.)
FRASS: We pass the days together. (Silence.)
FRASS: I wouldn't mind not going home as long as I'm here with you.
(Silence.)
FRASS: You vary my days. (Silence.)
FRASS: What do you think our purpose is?
SASS: I don't know.
FRASS: We must have some kind of purpose. I am almost certain.
Enter DOGG, a thin actress dressed in white, a bra, and her underwear,
and covered in mutt. She wears no dog costume or make-up.
DOGG: Arf! Arf!
FRASS: Oh, Sass! Look! A doggy!
SASS: Sass, that's not a dog…
FRASS: Sure it is…
SASS: No…it's not…
DOGG: Arr…
DOGG snarls and shows teeth.
SASS: I mean, my mistake. Don't touch it. It might have fleas.
FRASS: I like fleas. Come here, girl! Or are you a boy?
He looks.
FRASS: Oh, you're a girl all right. Unless…oh, the horror of it!
DOGG: Arf! Arf!
FRASS: What's your name, girl?
SASS: Maybe you should check her collar.
FRASS: She doesn't have one. I'll call you Arf. You like that?
DOGG: Arf…
SASS: She must be lost.
FRASS: Like us. Can we keep her?
SASS: No, Frass. We can't keep a…dog.
FRASS: Please? I'll take good care of her.
SASS: No, Frass. You know how I feel about dogs. They're loud and they
smell and they're not bright. Actually, they remind me of you.
FRASS: But Sass. Look at that face. How can you resist?
SASS: You know I cannot be stirred by emotions.
FRASS: You never let me have anything I want! I hate you!
SASS: I don't care.
FRASS: Please let me keep her.
SASS: No.
FRASS: I'm keeping her.
SASS: Then, I'm not staying.
FRASS: No!
SASS: It's either me or the dog. (Silence.)
SASS: Which is it gonna be?
Silence.
SASS: Frass…
FRASS: I pick the dog.
SASS: You'd choose that dirty mutt over me?
FRASS: She's not dirty!
FRASS kisses DOGG.
SASS: I'm pleased with your decision.
FRASS: You would never leave me.
SASS: You said we should part.
FRASS: I did. But you would never part.
SASS: I would.
FRASS: You would?
SASS: You would.
FRASS: I would?
SASS: Well, then I guess you should go.
[end of extract]