Santa and the Magic Bird by Jeff Pocock

This Play is the copyright of the Author and may not be performed, copied or sold without the Author's prior consent

CHARACTERS

Gwyllion Greenteeth An evil fairy
Female - 30 to 50 *
Bokwuss Fairy
Male - 16 to 18 *
Mitmit Fairy
M or F - 12 to 15
Pukey Fairy
M or F - 12 to 15
Yuk Fairy
Male - 16 to 18
Santa
Male - 40 to 70 *
Evergreen Elf
Male - 16 to 18 *
Snowball Elf
M or F - 12 to 18
Sledda Elf
M or F - 12 to 18
Spotty Snow Fairy
M or F - 16 to 50
Dotty Snow Fairy
M or F - 16 to 50
Robbie Robot
M or F - Any age
Yeti Abominable Snowman
M or F - Any Age
Gwenda Magic Bird(Goose)
M or F - Any Age
Adam Male 10 to 12 *
Man Male 25 to 30 *
Woman Female 25 to 30 *

It is suggested that the age groups indicated with an * be adhered
too as near as possible. Any other ages can really be from 12 to 70 as
long as a little care is taken with casting and make up.
Each Fairy or Elf should have their own 'Characters'.

ACT ONE

Scene One

'Greenteeth Grotto'

The Grotto should look cave like. There are no windows just holes in
the walls allowing the light in. There are four work desks and four stools.
The desks have small pieces of wood and cloth on them along with toy tools.

Four fairies are sat at the desks trying to make things. There is a
larger table on which are various UGLY toys.

GWYLLION
(strutting around the stage, very angry) Money! How are
we going
to get some more money!
BOKWUSS
This is no good, how can we make anything without
supplies?
GWYLLION
SHUT UP BOKWUSS! Let me think!
MITMIT
(to Bokwuss) Hey Bokwuss, who are all those people out
there?
GWYLLION
I heard that! What people!
ALL FARIES
(pointing at the audience) There!
GWYLLION
(spinning around and peering into the audience) Where! (on
seeing the audience she steps back with a shriek) AH! When did you lot sneak in?
What a miserable bunch you are. All those eyes, it's like looking at a load of
fish on a fishmongers slab. I can see quite a few old trout out there. You're a silly
looking lot aren't you? (audience reaction) Oh! Yes you are! Don't you dare answer
me back, don't you realize who I am? Well I'm going to tell you anyway. I am the most evil,
cunning, crafty and beautiful Fairy Queen in the whole wide world! I am GWYLLION
GREENTEETH! (audience reaction) QUIET! Let me introduce you to my minions here.
(she goes to each fairy in turn poking them with her stick as she names
them) This is Bokwuss.
He is very obedient, aren't you Bokwuss? (Bokwuss nods)
This is Mitmit. A
ridiculous name for a ridiculous fairy. You are ridiculous
aren't you Mitmit? (Mitmit
nods) Next we have Pukey, So called because he has a very
nasty habit of puking at
the most inappropriate times, isn't that correct Pukey?
(Pukey nods and pretends to
puke) Lastly we have Yuk. So called because anyone who looks
at Yuk says 'YUK'.
(Yuk starts to cry, Gwyllion raps him on head with her
stick) Shut up you miserable
wretch! (to audience) These are my Greencoaties! My Fairy
Greencoaties! They are
bad fairies, nearly as wicked and evil as me! (she beckons
them all to center stage)
Lets tell this ugly shower how wicked we are!

SONG &DANCE to the tune of 'Hi-Diddle-Dee-Dee.

ALL FAIRIES Hi-diddle-dee-dee, we're as wicked as can be
We hate Santa and his elves, we just like to
please ourselves,
Hi-diddle-dee-dee, we're evil just you see.

GWYLLION We make toys that children hate,
And we make sure they get there late,
And put them in a dirty crate,
We're nasty as can be.

(A simple dance is performed showing off the ugly toys)

ALL Hi-diddle-dee-dee, we're as wicked as can be,
We hate Santa and his elves,
We just like to please ourselves,
Hi-diddle-dee-dee, we're evil just you see.
We make toys that children hate,
And we make sure they get there late,
And put them in a dirty crate,
We're as nasty as can be!

GWYLLION
Back to your work! (the fairies scurry back to their desk)
I must resume my thinking.
(she resumes her pacing) Santa Claus! Santa Claus! I hate
that name! (to audience) I bet
you all love Santa Claus don't you? (Audience reaction)
BAH! I knew you were a silly
lot. Well, me and my Greencoaties have a plan to put Santa
Claus and his do-gooder elves
out of business. (she turns to fairies) Don't we?

(the fairies come either side of her ad-libbing)

FAIRIES
'Oh yes' 'We sure do' etc
GWYLLION
Yuk! Where is that paper? (Yuk gets a paper from table and
hands it to Gwyllion) Ah!
This is it. That white bearded moron put a notice in this
paper, the North Pole Advertiser.
It says, 'Good and Kind woodworker elf wanted for making
Christmas toys for children',
apply Santa's Workshop, North Pole. HA!
BOKWUSS
I hate being nice!
MITMIT
I hate being good!
PUKEY
I hate being kind!
YUK
Er I am of like mind?
GWYLLION
(cuffs Yuk around the ear) Daft Fairy! Now then, one of you
is going to apply for that job.
FAIRIES
Me, me, me!
GWYLLION
Hush now, my little meanies, we must choose the most
skillful toy maker amongst you.
MITMIT
That's not me, I can only make toys that children don't want!
GWYLLION
Because that's what we do here! (to audience) Just so
you can follow the plot, let me explain. We, at Greenteeth Grotto make toys for Christmas,
but with a difference. We make toys that children do not want. Horrible toys, like
really ugly dolls and soft furry animals that actually bite! WHY! Because we hate Christmas!
We hate happy children! In fact we hate anything that's nice. (audience reaction)
SHUT UP! Now where was I?
PUKEY
I always chuck up over the toy's I make!
YUK
Everything I make looks like me, ugly!
GWYLLION
Aren't we forgetting something? (she goes and brings
Bokwuss to her side) Bokwuss here used to work for Toys-R-Us. Unfortunately
he was dismissed for making the toys that speak say rude things about Santa
Claus. But you can still make an acceptable toy can't you Bokwuss?
BOKWUSS
Of course I can.
GWYLLION
You three, bring Bokwuss's desk down here and his tools.
(they bring down the desk and
tools) We shall see what he can do.
BOKWUSS
(sitting behind his desk) I'm ready, but I'm hungry. I
can't work properly when I'm
hungry.
GWYLLION
Mitmit! Yuk! Pukey, all of you fetch some more pieces of
wood some furry material and
some wire, hurry up now. (the three of them scurry off
either side of stage) Now, food for you! (she shouts very loudly) WOMAN! WOMAN!

(A woman enters. She is about 25 to 30. She is dressed in
filthy rags and looks very sad,
she moves slowly)

WOMAN
Yes Ma'am.
GWYLLION
Ma'am! How many times do I have to tell you? You will
address me as Ma'am
Greenteeth!
WOMAN
I'm sorry Ma'am Greenteeth.
GWYLLION
Fetch Bokwuss something to eat and be quick about it and
send Man in here
WOMAN
Yes ma'am (there is a slight pause) Greenteeth(she
shuffles off)

(Yuk runs on, followed by Man. He is about 25 to 40 and like Woman
dressed in filthy rags. He
carries a dustpan and broom. He is immediately followed by Mitmit and
Pukey carrying wood
etc, they bump into him knocking him to the ground. They ignore
him and start piling their
goods onto Bokwuss's desk)

GWYLLION
(standing over Man) Get up you lazy oaf! Sweep the floor!
(the floor is scattered with
bits of wood and cloth) How can anyone work in this mess.

(Man, with some difficulty, gets up and starts sweeping the floor. As
he does so the Fairies keep
throwing stuff onto the floor where he has already swept. Ad-libbing
as they do so)

FAIRIES
'You missed a bit' 'Here's some more'
etc
GWYLLION
Enough! (the fairies stop but sit sniggering and pointing
at Man. Gwyllion pokes Man harshly with her stick) Get out of here you incompetent clown.

(Man shuffles off passing Woman on the way, who is carrying a tray of
bread and cheese. They stop and pause, looking at each other. Man reaches out to touch
Womans face tenderly. Woman moves her head slightly to his shoulder)

FAIRIES
Look! Look! (they are pointing at the couple)
GWYLLION
(who has been talking to Bokwuss turns sharply and sees
them. She rushes to Man, poking him with her stick) Away with you, I will not have
any of that lovey-dovey nonsense in Greenteth grotto! (grabs Woman's ear taking
her roughly to Bokwuss's desk)
Put that tray down here and get about your business.
There's the kitchen floor to scrub,
the beds to make, the laundry to wash, the ironing to iron,
the potatoes to peel, and as an
extra chore, you can wash all the walls, inside and out,
from top to bottom. (to audience)
That told her didn't it!

(audience reaction, which Gwyllion ignores as Woman runs off
sobbing to the cheers of all the fairies)

BOKWUSS
(handing tray to Mitmit) I'm ready!
GWYLLION
Gather round everyone. (all gather around Bokwuss)

(During this next piece we cannot actually see what Bokwuss is
working on as his desk has a
solid front about 1ft high. His movement with his tools should be
timed to the music)

SONG To the tune of 'Baa-baa-Black sheep

BOKWUSS Here we go now one-two-three-four-five,
GWYLLION Make that bit smooth so that it looks alive,
MITMIT Use these scissors to make holes for their eyes,

PUKEY Oh my Oh my it's looking very wise,
YUK The beak looks weird it's bent a little there.

BOKWUSS And the body needs a squeeze it's looking far too square,
GWYLLION Now sew it all together and with a bit of luck,
ALL (as Bokwuss holds the toy up)
Yes, yes, yes, yes a perfect cuddly duck!

(The 'Duck' is already made, everyone is congratulating Bokwuss
as Gwyllion grabs the duck)

GWYLLION
(coming center stage with the duck and showing it too the
audience) What an ugly
looking thing, don't you think so? (Audience reaction)
Oh! yes it is! You three, go play
with your pet rats, I want to talk to Bokwuss, alone!

(Yuk, Mitmit and Pukey scamper off as Gwyllion brings Bokwuss to
center stage, her arm on his
shoulders. She speaks to him in a very creepy and confidential way.
We hear creepy music)

Now then, my little apprentice spy. In the morning I will
accompany you on your flight to the North Pole. Once I know you have arrived safely you
will be on your own. When you arrive at Santa's workshop what are you going to say?
BOKWUSS
Erumer.I have come to spy on you for Gwyllion
Greenteeth?
GWYLLION
(cuffing his ear) You futile fairy! Think! Think ! You will
say.(she silently eggs him on)
BOKWUSS
(He mimes what he has just been doing, then he realizes)
Oh! of course. I say, I am a kind and good elf and I am applying for the position of
children's toy maker for Christmas.
GWYLLION
Yes! Yes! Yes! Now take the duck with you (she hands him
the duck) and this. (she picks up a toy video camera from the table)
BOKWUSS
What is it?
GWYLLION
A new invention of mine. It's my super charged, miraculous, all weather
proof spy watcher. Now, when you are ready to report to me you press
the black button, sit in front with this bit facing your chin. (she shows him the lens)
Then you just speak.
BOKWUSS
But how will you know what I am saying, how will you hear or see me?
GWYLLION
Ah! Now that's where the magic comes in. (she hands him a
little black bag) In here is another fabulous invention of mine. (to audience) Bet you
wish you were me eh?
(Audience reaction) Shut up, cretins! In here is Gwyllion Greenteeths super
charged, miraculous, all weather proof signaling molecules.
BOKWUSS
Eh!
GWYLLION
Fairy Dust for short!
BOKWUSS
What do I do with it?
GWYLLION
I'm coming to that. When you are ready to start your report you sprinkle
a little of this over the Spywatcher. Then I will be able to hear and see you!
BOKWUSS
How?
GWYLLION
By yet ANOTHER invention of mine! (to audience) I bet you would like to be me
NOW wouldn't you? (Audience reaction) Bah! I haven't time to waste on you dreary lot. My
invention, so that I can see and hear you making your report is the Gwyllion Greenteeth,
super charged, miraculous, all weather proof signaling molecule receiver!
BOKWUSS
Eh!
GWYLLION
TV for short.
BOKWUSS
What does TV stand for?
GWYLLION
Never mind that, here (she hands him the camera and the
duck) Put these in your bag. Just do as I say. Make sure that no one sees
you sprinkle the Fairy dust over the Spywatcher, especially that nosey reindeer with the red
nose. I cannot remember his name. (to audience) I bet you sloppy lot know the name of
the reindeer with the red nose, don't you. (Audience reaction of RUDOLPH) Show offs;
think you are smart don't you! Well, you're not as smart as me! By the time I have finished with them,
Rudolph and his buddies will wish they had never been born! Ha! Ha! Ha! Now
then Bokwuss we have to…
BOKWUSS
Wait!
GWYLLION
What?
BOKWUSS
How am I going to hide my wings? If they see my wings I
will never get the job .
GWYLLION
I've already thought of that.
BOKWUSS
Another invention?
GWYLLION
(cuffing him) Don't be cheeky. As a matter of fact it is
part of your elf costume. This invention is called the Gwyllion Greenteeth,
miraculous,super charged, all weather proof flying attachment cover!
BOKWUSS
Eh!
GWYLLION
In short - a hump for your back. Now get to bed, you have a
long day tomorrow. We are about to embark on 'OPERATION ELFSPLATTER!' By the time
Christmas Eve is here Santa and his elves will be splattered all over the North
Pole! Ha! Ha! Ha!

(To suitable music she shoves Bokwuss before her as she exits)

[end of extract]

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