Saint Or Sinner? by Lew Riley

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This Play is the copyright of the Author and may not be performed, copied or sold without the Author's prior consent

SCENE: A comfortable, upscale bar, The Chez Bar, reminiscent of
perhaps America's most-well-known bar, the one in Boston called
"Cheers.'

AT CURTAIN:

DOWNSTAGE LEFT is the main entrance to (and exit from) the bar.
DOWNSTAGE RIGHT is another exit, this one to an office or pool room
(doesn't really matter). This exit is camouflaged, to a degree, by a
large potted plant. UPSTAGE RIGHT is the exit to the restrooms.

AT RISE:

At the moment, only a couple of patrons are sitting on the stools,
and one attractive young woman, MILLY, is sitting by herself at one of
the tables. (Of course, more customers are welcome, depending on the
producing theatre's desires.)

Two bar employees are visible: a bartender, SAM, and a cheery,
skimpily-dressed barmaid, LEXI. When LEXI's not working, she engages
the bartender in banter at one
end of the bar.

A good-looking man, DOUG FORSYTHE, dressed casually, enters the bar
and looks around. Before DOUG can sit anywhere, he reaches for his
cell phone to answer a
call. He walks forward, so he's about 15 feet away from MILLY and
parallel to her.

While on his cell, DOUG notices MILLY and smiles at her.
She returns his smile. During his cell conversation, though,
he becomes quite animated, and one might say even a bit agitated.

MILLY can't help but look at DOUG try to remain calm while trying,
apparently, to get his point across. Finally, he seems to voice a
word of two of displeasure, then turns his cell off, and, frowning,
puts it away.

As she sees DOUG frustratedly finish the call, she looks away. After
several more moments, he walks over to MILLY and puts his hands on the
back of the chair next to her.

DOUG: Can I buy you a drink?

MILLY: MAY I buy you a drink?

Taking her response as a very good sign, he quickly sits in chair.

DOUG: Sure. I'll have—

MILLY: (quickly) No. What you should have said is, "May
I buy you a drink"—not "Can." (pause) "May" denotes
permission; "Can" means physically able to do something. (pause)
Understand?

DOUG would probably excuse himself if the woman weren't so becoming.

DOUG: I guess. Does it really matter?

MILLY: To an English teacher it does.

DOUG: You teach English?

MILLY: Is that so hard to believe?

DOUG: Very hard to believe…. I don't believe I've ever seen an
English teacher half as attractive as you.

MILLY: (chuckles) How long since you've uh, seen an English
teacher?

DOUG: Not long enough. And none looked like they could be on the
cover of "Vogue".... Before you.

MILLY: Oh, you read "Vogue"?

DOUG: I look at the pictures.

MILLY: (smiles) I'll have a vodka martini.

DOUG: So you don't mind if I sit here?

MILLY: For the time being. We shall see.

DOUG: I guess we "shall."

DOUG raises his hand to get the attention of the barmaid.

LEXI comes to their table and places a coaster in front of him.

LEXI: (smiling sweetly, to DOUG) Hi there. My name's Lexi. And I
can't wait to wait on you.

DOUG: (smiles) Hi Lexi…. Milly can't wait to have a vodka
martini, and, I, Doug, can't wait to have a scotch and soda.

LEXI half-smiles, not sure if DOUG is making fun of her. Then she
looks toward the bartender and raises her voice a bit.

LEXI: One scotch and soda and one vodka martini. (turns to MILLY)
Through with the wine, ma'am?

MILLY: Not quite.

DOUG and LEXI both watch as MILLY takes her wine glass and downs the
rather substantial remainder of the wine in one swallow, then hands
the glass to the barmaid.

LEXI: Wow, you'd be great at Wine Pong.

MILLY: City champ.

LEXI smiles before doing an about-face.

DOUG: (trying to hide his glee) I'm Doug.

DOUG: I'm Milly.

DOUG: Milly? That's my gramma's name.

MILLY: (looks at watch) Well, I gotta go. (scoots chair back)
Nice knowin' you.

DOUG quickly reacts, gently holding onto her shoulder.

DOUG: Hey, my gramma's cool.

MILLY: Except for her name, apparently.

DOUG: I didn't mean to criticize your name. Really. (quickly)
How can, er, may— (thinks a moment) How CAN I
make it up to you. Right?

MILLY: Right…. That's a start.

DOUG: What?

MILLY: You obviously listen. Unlike a lot of people.

DOUG: (smiles) Thank you. (pause) And now that I'm on a
roll, I definitely don't want to risk offending you
again,
but seeing you here tonight begs a question.

MILLY: Ask away. I'm not easily offended-except for
apparent insulting comments about my name.

DOUG: We shall see.

They both smile.

DOUG: Okay. (pause to formulate sentence unoffensively)
Why pray tell, is a stunningly attractive, obviously
quite
intelligent woman sitting alone at a bar?

MILLY: (pause) Who says I'm alone?

DOUG: (suddenly nervous) You're with someone? (looks around)

MILLY: Well, I'm supposed to be. But that person is late.

LEXI returns and places the drinks in front of the two. As she does,
she addresses MILLY.

LEXI: By the way, Sam bought your drink.

MILLY: Sam?

LEXI: The bartender.

MILLY looks over toward SAM and waves. He smiles and waves back. She
then looks at LEXI.

MILLY: Don't tell him I have a tab.

LEXI:
Never do.

MILLY: Put it on my tab.

DOUG: No, I'll get it. (reaches for wallet)

MILLY: No, please. Goes on my expense account.

DOUG: I tried.

LEXI: Stay thirsty, my friends.

LEXI smiles before doing another about-face. As she leaves, DOUG
and MILLY smile at one another. Then,

MILLY: (raises glass) Cheers.

He clicks his glass with hers.

DOUG: Cheers…. But I don't know if I should be cheering about
now.

MILLY: Why not?

DOUG: I'm afraid some berserk gorilla's gonna show up any second
and see me and you…. And go, uh, bananas.

MILLY: (smiles) Don't worry. (pause) My friend is female.

DOUG: Whew!... Are you sure?

MILLY: Am I sure she's female?

DOUG: No-o…. Are you sure your friend's gonna show?

MILLY: (smiles) Unless she gets a better deal…. Why do you ask?

DOUG: Well, a friend of mine was supposed to meet me here tonight
but, uh, he just called and said he couldn't make it.

MILLY: (takes a drink) Who knows. You might end up happier that
your friend couldn't make it.

DOUG takes a drink, followed by a pause. Then—

DOUG: Expense account, eh? Is barhopping part of your job?

MILLY: In the first place, Mister, this is the only bar I've been
to this evening, AND, second, my friend and I are in town for a
seminar.

DOUG: Oh. Your friend is a teacher, too? (takes another drink)

MILLY: Yes. Sex education.

DOUG nearly spits out his drink.

DOUG: Seriously?

MILLY: Well, she does use some humor.

DOUG pauses until he gets her little joke, which elicits a smile.

DOUG: Oh…. What grade does she teach?

MILLY: High school….

DOUG: Hmm-m. I bet her students could teach her a few things.

MILLY: You don't know Brooke…. As a matter of fact, she's writing
a book.

DOUG: Brooke's book, eh?... On sex education?

MILLY: Almost 200 pages.

DOUG: Wow. (pause) And you teach high school, too?

MILLY: At the same school.

DOUG: I bet a lot of your students have crushes on you.

MILLY: Pretty common. (pause) And vice-versa.

DOUG: Seriously, how come it always seems like English teachers are
the ones getting busted for molesting their students?

MILLY: (pause, then impishly) Well, we English teachers need lovin'
too, you know.

DOUG: Ohmigod! I hope you're pulling my leg.

MILLY: If I have enough to drink, you might bee.

DOUG is speechless for a moment, and she takes a drink, then brings
him back to earth.

MILLY: So enough about me….. What do you do for a living?

DOUG: Uh, stock market…. I'm a broker.

MILLY: Oh…. Any tips?

DOUG: Buy Motorola. As much as you can.

MILLY: Why Motorola?

DOUG: Google just bought Motorola Mobility for 12-and-a-half
billion dollars.

MILLY: I read something about that. I didn't understand why
Google paid so much for Motorota, uh, Mobile….

DOUG: Motorola Mobility…. Basically, Google is investing in the
future of mobile computing.

MILLY: Oh…. I see. I think.

DOUG: Mobile computing. You know, devices like Blackberry,
SmartPhone, Bluetooth, and, uh, IPad…. As opposed to stationary
computing-you know, at home in front of your computer.

MILLY: Oh.

DOUG: (pause) And on a completely different subject, I need to see
a man about a dog.

MILLY: What man and what dog?

DOUG smiles as he stands.

DOUG: Seeing a man about a dog is, uh, a, whatta-you-call-it-a
simile for needing to go to, uh, (points behind him) to take a, uh, to
uri-I need to tinkle.

MILLY: That's a metaphor not simile. And quite possibly the worst
metaphor I've ever heard…. What does a man seeing a dog have to do
with using the restroom?

DOUG: No idea; my dad used it all the time. So did his dad. And I
don't have time to discuss why right now.

MILLY: You know where to go?

DOUG: Yes. (turns toward restroom)

MILLY: So you've been here before?

DOUG turns back.

DOUG: Yes, once or twice. No more questions, please.

MILLY: (smiles) Okay. Go. And go. (smiles)

DOUG turns and quickly walks toward back of bar, but suddenly turns
back.

DOUG: Call your friend and see if she's comin'.

Not even waiting for a response, he turns and walks as swiftly as
humanly possible toward the restroom, looking rather funny in the
process…. MILLY smiles then yells toward him.

MILLY: Good idea!

MILLY grabs her purse and holds it until he disappears into the exit
at the back of the bar-then puts the purse back where It was.
Instead, she talks in a lower voice toward someone who is barely
visible beside the potted plant. As she does, she alternates between
nodding and drumming her fingers.

Meanwhile, SAM serves a "stoolie" at the bar and talks to LEXI,
who has grabbed her purse and is fixing her face.

MILLY eventually picks up her purse, but instead of removing her
cell, takes out a compact and brush and combs her hair-and
"repairs" any other part of her face she thinks needs refreshing.

She puts away the "beautifying implements" seeing DOUG return in
her mirror.

As he takes his seat,

DOUG: Any news?

MILLY: News?

DOUG: On whether Brooke is going to stand you up.

MILLY: She'll be here any minute…. By the way, do you have a
business card?

DOUG: Sure. (as he reaches for wallet) Don't believe me?

MILLY: (not with a lot of conviction) Sure…. I just might want to
buy some Motorola stock. It's still a company, right?

DOUG: Absolutely. (hands her a card)

MILLY: (as she takes card) What's the price?

DOUG: Just a sec; I'll tell you.

While she examines his card, he takes his cell and does a couple of
quick clicks. She can't help but admire his dexterity.

DOUG: Uh, 42 dollars and 79 cents a share. Up a dollar 33.

MILLY: That's pretty good, eh?

DOUG: (small smirk) Outstanding, actually.

MILLY: Hm-m, I might be able to buy a share, maybe even two.

DOUG: Come on, you teachers make a ton of money.

MILLY: Not for all the time we, uh, invest. (looking at card) So
you work for the company that has the commercials with the talking
baby. I love them.

DOUG: (not as thrilled) That makes one of us.

MILLY: You don't like those ads?

DOUG: I used to-when they first came out. But it's time to move
on. They need to do a better job of describing what we do.

MILLY: Hey, I remembered your company's name. Isn't that the most
important goal of a TV ad?

DOUG: I don't know-maybe….

Just then, another attractive, dressed-to-kill female, BROOKE,
enters, through the front door.

MILLY: There she is. Hey, Brooke.

BROOKE, who just entered, waves at MILLY, and then walks toward her
table. Both MILLY and DOUG stand. BROOKE and MILLY hug and exchange
"Hi's." Then,

MILLY: Brooke, this is Doug.

DOUG reaches out to shake BROOKE's hand, but she hugs him instead.

BROOKE: Hi Doug.

A bit surprised, DOUG doesn't try to quickly disengage. Finally,
BROOKE steps back and sizes up DOUG.

BROOKE: Wow, honey, you got yourself a hunk.

DOUG can't help but blush-if he can.

DOUG: Thanks…. You're rather, uh, hot yourself, Brooke.

As MILLY and DOUG sit, BROOKE grabs a chair and sits on the other
side of him.

BROOKE: Just "rather," huh?

DOUG: (smiles) How about totally hot?

BROOKE: Aw, thank you, honey.

DOUG: Welcome…. Can, er, may I buy you a drink?

As MILLY pats him on his back, he signals LEXI.

BROOKE: Yes, you can.

DOUG: (to MILLY) I tried.

As LEXI approaches the table,

DOUG: What'll you have?

BROOKE: A zombie.

DOUG: A zombie? No umbrella-drinks for Brooke.

BROOKE: Not since I was 16.

DOUG smiles, not knowing whether to believe her or not.

LEXI: What can I get you?

DOUG: A zombie-for the lady.

LEXI: One zombie…. With or without a barf bag? (quickly) Just
kiddin'. Can I get anyone a refill?

DOUG looks at both ladies, then ala MILLY, swallows the rest of his
drink.

DOUG: I'll have another. No soda this time.

LEXI rolls her eyes if she can.

LEXI: You're not driving, are you?

MILLY: (quickly) One of us will drive him home.

BROOKE: Maybe both of us.

LEXI: I'll be the Designated Driver! (quickly) Kiddin'....
Enjoy.

She leaves and DOUG is speechless for a moment or two. Then,

DOUG: So you're a teacher, too, eh, Brooke.

BROOKE: True dat.

DOUG: Milly tells me you teach, uh, sex education.

BROOKE: FoSho. Health classes are my specialty.

DOUG: Health, huh? So the class is more than sex education?

BROOKE: Not much the way I teach it.

MILLY: No one knows more about sex than Brooke.

DOUG: Is that so? (takes a drink)

BROOKE: (raises hand) Guilty…. Got any questions?

DOUG: About sex?

BROOKE: I've heard 'em all.

DOUG: Okay…. Uh. (thinks for a moment) Does a stork really
deliver babies?

BROOKE: (not missing a beat) No, silly, a doctor does.

MILLY and DOUG laugh-even more than BROOKE.

DOUG: No, I meant-uh, how should I put it?

MILLY: I think you know how babies are made, Mr. Forsythe.

DOUG: Busted.

LEXI returns with both drinks.

LEXI: One zombie. (puts drink in front of BROOKE) One Scotch and
Soda-without the soda. (puts drink in front of DOUG) My sympathies
to you both.

DOUG: (smiles) Thanks.

LEXI: FYI, we have the numbers of the three best cab companies in
the city…. So you can drink us dry if you want.

MILLY: Good to know.

LEXI: Shall I put it on the tab?

MILLY: Please.

DOUG: Wait!

LEXI: Yes?

DOUG: My turn to pay.

MILLY: It's okay. Really. We're doing our jobs.

DOUG: If you say so. (to LEXI) That's okay.

LEXI smiles and leaves.

DOUG: For the record, I tried my best to buy you drinks.

MILLY: Look, we're doing our jobs. Hey, you learned something about
English tonight.

BROOKE: And you may learn a thing or two you didn't know about sex.

BROOKE smiles provocatively, causing DOUG to take another drink.

MILLY: Brooke, you just met the man.

BROOKE: But I feel like I've known Douggie my whole life.

She puts her hand on top of DOUG's…. He tries to make
conversation.

DOUG: Can't remember the last time I've been in a cab.

MILLY: Our hotel is only a block away.

BROOKE: Yeah, honey, we could walk there.

[end of extract]

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