Room by Pete Maliki
Lights come up and we see the unconscious bodies of MATT, SANDRA,
DAVE, ABBY and JUDY strewn across the stage, lying around as though
they've collapsed
All is still and silent
Dave stirs slightly but remains where he is.
Abby opens her eyes and squints against the brightness. She
incrementally and unsteadily gets to her feet, a confused frown on her
face. She looks around, taking in the four other people on the ground
but warily keeping her distance. She approaches a wall and runs her
hand along it. Looks around again at the ceiling, other walls and
floor. She approaches Sandra and chews her lip. She is uncertain.
After hesitating, she sits down and leans against the wall, looking
from person to person and trying very hard to get her head around the
situation.
Dave moves and gets to his hands and knees, wincing and blinking a
lot. Looks around.
DAVE: What the fuck?
Dave stands, looking at the people and the room in general. He spots
Abby.
DAVE: (to Abby) What the fuck?
Abby shrugs. Dave walks around and inspects the walls, discovering
nothing of interest.
DAVE: How long have you been in here?
ABBY: Um like, a minute.
DAVE: Do you have any idea where we are? Or what's going on?
Abby shakes her head.
DAVE: Damn. (pauses) Have you seen the movie Cube?
ABBY: No.
DAVE: A group of strangers wake up in a room. There's a door on each
wall, the floor and the ceiling. Each door leads to another room. Some
of the rooms have traps which kill or maim whoever enters. I think
we're in the cube.
ABBY: There's no doors.
Dave looks around and snorts, perplexed.
DAVE: Then how'd we get in here?
Sandra screams. She scrambles to her feet and backs towards a wall.
This rouses Matt and Judy.
SANDRA: (shouting) Jonathan! Jonathan!
DAVE: Who's Jonathan?
SANDRA: Who are you? What's going on?
DAVE: I have no idea.
Matt and Judy are climbing to their feet.
JUDY: Where am I? What's happening?
DAVE: I'm fairly certain we've been drugged and abducted.
MATT: Alright, if this is for my next bit, I don't like it. Knocking
me out and dumping me in a scene from some cheesy horror movie is
taking it too far.
DAVE: (to Matt) Hey. What was that? Are you responsible for this?
MATT: Have we met?
DAVE: I'm pretty sure we haven't. Do you know what this whole
five-strangers-in-an-empty-room thing is supposed to be?
Everyone is staring at Matt, who looks hard at Dave. There is a tense
pause.
MATT: What's your name?
DAVE: Excuse me? What the fuck's your name?
MATT: You don't know?
DAVE: Should I?
MATT: I imagine you would if you're part of this whole thing.
JUDY: What "whole thing" are you talking about, young man? If you
know what's going on here then please enlighten us.
MATT: I I'm sorry. Is this (gestures around) supposed to be for
real? Come on I wasn't born in the nineties. This is just some
"clever" way of getting me to do something outrageous for a few
million hits.
SANDRA: Do you think this is some kind of reality TV show?
MATT: Yeah. Do you want to start again so I can act surprised?
DAVE: I have no idea what kind of delusions you're suffering but I
am no actor and don't know who you or any of these others are. I
woke up two minutes before you did right here in this room. No idea
why or how.
JUDY: Yes, me too. Is this somebody's idea of a sick joke? Because
it's scaring the hell out of me and I want it to end please.
MATT: This is stupid. No, embarrassing. Do you think people will watch
this? I've caught on straight away and no matter how convincing you
all try to be I know exactly who you are and exactly what's going
on. Where's the door?
ABBY: There isn't one.
Everyone looks at Abby.
ABBY: What? Do you see any doors?
Matt approaches Abby. Dave hesitates, then follows.
MATT: Alright, little girl, I didn't consent to this and it's
going to end right away. You're going to be part of a serious
fucking lawsuit if you don't point me to the exit in the next three
seconds.
Abby sidles away. Matt takes a step towards her and Dave grabs him.
DAVE: Again, pal, I don't know what delusion you're under but if
you take one more step towards that girl I'm going to knock your
teeth out, do you understand?
MATT: Are you threatening me? Jesus. If someone doesn't open the
door in two seconds I'm going to
Dave punches Matt in the guts, dropping him to the ground. Abby and
Judy both scream. Matt scrambles away from Dave.
SANDRA: Hey! Don't hit him.
DAVE: I'm sorry. I have no idea what this guy's on but I'm
pretty damned concerned about what he might do.
MATT: Oh my god, don't hit me again. I I thought this was a
setup.
JUDY: What do you mean, "setup?"
MATT: Oh shit. This is bad. If this is really for real shit!
SANDRA: Do you know what's going on?
MATT: I thought this was a practical joke to get a few hundred K hits
for my account. See, I have this really big online profile you
know, stupid videos and comedy songs that get millions of hits and
now everyone wants to cash in on me. But no one would punch me like
that dude just punched me unless it was for real, which means I have
been abducted and put in a room with some randoms, which means
shit!
ABBY: I think I know you. Are you Lady GayGay?
MATT: Guilty.
ABBY: Wow. Mr Viral himself.
DAVE: You know him?
ABBY: Oh yeah. He's got like millions of Twitter followers. Everyone
knows him.
MATT: Well, approximately three million, two hundred and six thousand,
four hundred and eighteen last time I checked. I just jumped past Demi
Moore. (makes a hand gesture and noise) Woot.
SANDRA: Do you have any idea why we're here?
MATT: Demi's jealous?
Abby titters. Judy starts inspecting the walls and floor.
DAVE: Great. Stuck with some self-absorbed internet whore.
SANDRA: Please, let's not be hostile. We need to work out what's
going on, or even better, how we're going to get out. (to Matt)
What's your name?
MATT: Matt. Fletcher.
SANDRA: I'm Sandra. Sandra Carlson-James. I'm afraid I don't
even have a Twitter account. (to Dave) May I ask your name?
DAVE: It's
I've-Been-Kidnapped-And-I'm-Pretty-Damned-Upset-About-It Junior.
Who put you in charge?
SANDRA: In charge? I'm not trying to take control, I just want to
know what's going on. Does anyone have any idea why we're here?
All shake heads or mutter in the negative. Dave remains motionless.
SANDRA: (to Dave) Do you know anything?
DAVE: Yeah. I've seen about every horror film made in the last
twenty years and this situation is a classic. Strangers put together
in a room with no explanation and no way out and we're all supposed
to go mental and kill each other. Someone is probably filming us.
Maybe it's like that German film Das Experiment where they put
people in a fake prison and made half of them guards and half of them
prisoners and the guards end up killing one of the prisoners. In fact,
maybe it's more like did you see Saw?
MATT: Only as a child. Haven't been on one of those things in
years.
Abby, still sitting back against a wall, laughs. Dave is unamused.
Judy gets down onto her knees and looks closely at something.
DAVE: In Saw, two guys have been kidnapped and imprisoned. The dead
body in the middle of the room turns out to be the guy who put them
there. There's obviously no body here but what's to say one of us
isn't behind all this?
SANDRA: Oh please. Throwing accusations around won't solve
anything.
JUDY: There's something here.
Everyone turns to Judy, who has found something on the wall in the
corner close to the ground. All except for Abby, who keeps her
distance, hurry over to her.
DAVE: What is it?
JUDY: It looks like a tiny nozzle. Could it be a camera?
DAVE: Let me take a look.
Judy moves aside and Dave takes a close up look at the nozzle. He puts
one eye right up to it.
DAVE: Doesn't look like a camera. It's hollow. And it smells kinda
funny.
Dave sniffs the nozzle, then staggers back and collapses. He lays
there momentarily, then gags and unsteadily returns to his feet.
SANDRA: Oh my God, are you okay?
DAVE: Don't smell it. That's poison gas.
JUDY: (slightly panicked) Poison gas? For the love of God I'm too
old for this. One moment I'm in bed, the next I'm trapped in a
death chamber! What did I do to deserve this?!
MATT: In bed? I actually remember being abducted. I was going home
from the movies and someone grabbed me. I struggled for like two
seconds then I was gone. Anaesthetised.
ABBY: I was with someone.
DAVE: You were with someone?
ABBY: Yeah.
An expectant pause. Abby remains quiet.
DAVE: I was at home, alone, watching a DVD on the couch. A romantic
comedy about a wedding going wrong. I'm fairly certain I just fell
asleep. (to Abby) So who on Earth were you with?
ABBY: I don't want to talk about it.
DAVE: Well you'd damned well better! Were they responsible for
this?
Abby is silent.
DAVE: (screaming) Answer me!
SANDRA: Hey! Cool down, will you? All you've done since we arrived
here is bully and assault people.
DAVE: Yeah, well, I'm not terribly happy about finding myself in
this place so pardon me if I'm not retaining my usual decorum.
MATT: I'd actually like to hear her story. (to Abby) What's your
name, babe?
ABBY: It's Abby.
MATT: Y or I E?
ABBY: Y.
MATT: Abby with a Y, we're trying to find out why we're here. If
you were with someone when you blacked out, that person could've
been involved with putting you here. Who were you with?
ABBY: Do I have to say?
JUDY: It would be good if you did.
ABBY: Why should I be forced to spill if she hasn't told us yet? (to
Sandra) You were screaming for Jonathan when you woke up. Were you
with someone too?
SANDRA: Yes, I was in bed with my husband. Jonathan was reading and I
had my eye mask on. I'm pretty sure I just drifted off. And now
I'm here.
ABBY: Maybe your husband did this to you.
SANDRA: Don't be absurd.
ABBY: How do you know?
SANDRA: Because he's my husband! We've been married for a decade.
I can't imagine why he'd want to put me in a flipping prison cell
with a group of strangers and I sure as heck know he doesn't have
the resources. I love him dearly but he couldn't organise a drunken
brawl in an Irish pub.
DAVE: (trying a new tact) Abby, why don't you tell us who you were
with before you came here? I'm sure if whoever you were with did
this, it's not your fault. We really want to know anything that
could help us understand what's going on.
Abby looks uncomfortable.
MATT: I think I know.
All look at Matt.
MATT: Isn't it obvious? Blank faces. Alright, I'm going to need to
bring someone in for this.
Matt spins around 360 degrees and becomes one of his internet
personas. He speaks like he's in an infomercial. Very cheesy US
accent and full of winking and thumbs-upping.
MATT: Hey there, kiddo, I'm Doctor Douchebag, General Practitioner
and connoisseur of women's hygiene products. You know what they say?
If it ain't good enough for the doc, it ain't good enough for
your female genitalia. What seems to be ailing you, kiddo? Vag need
a vacuum? Boobs need some lube? Ass need some what rhymes with
ass?
JUDY: Do people find this funny?
MATT: You're not my demographic. (to Abby) Kiddo, I have one
question for ya. It looks like these ass-douchers are all after the
vibe on what's going down. So answer me this: do you douche?
ABBY: (playing along) Only on a Wednesday.
MATT: That's the right answer! Woot.
DAVE: Can we stop doing whatever we're doing here and take this
seriously, please? Abby?
ABBY: (reluctantly) Well, I guess it's not such a biggee. I met this
guy online. We'd been PM-ing and Skyping a bit and I invited him
'round 'cause the parents were away for the weekend. I told him my
brother was in his room 'cause this guy was sort of a stranger, but
I don't even have a brother, but I'm pretty sure he believed me.
We were just watching a DVD on the couch. Totally not a big deal. He
was kind of weird though. He didn't say much and was really like
awkward. I guess he was shy or something.
SANDRA: That's nothing to be ashamed of, Abby. If all my son did on
a Saturday night was watch a movie with one of his online friends I
can assure you I'd be a lot happier than if he was out doing ice.
An awkward pause.
SANDRA: You weren't doing ice were you?
ABBY: No. Just a few drinks.
DAVE: Did he put something in it? I see this kind of thing all the
time, sadly. Guy meets a girl who doesn't really know him, slips
something in her drink, and you know.
JUDY: What? Dumps her in a locked room with four other people? Just
how often do you see that?
DAVE: I meant rape, lady.
JUDY: My name is Judy, thank you.
DAVE: My apologies, Judy. Where are my manners?
ABBY: Hang on, (to Sandra) you said Saturday night, right?
SANDRA: Yes.
ABBY: But it was Friday.
SANDRA: No it wasn't. It was Saturday. It must be Sunday morning.
ABBY: No, it was Friday. I'd only been back from uni for a couple of
hours before Blake came over. I don't have class on the weekend.
MATT: She's right. It was definitely Friday. Saturday is my internet
porn day and I'd been hanging out to get stuck into Anal With
Grandma Volume Six.
SANDRA: Well I know it was Saturday. Ben won his soccer match three
nil. (to Dave and Judy) What day was it when you were not here?
JUDY: Saturday.
SANDRA: (to Dave) And you?
Dave walks away from the group.
SANDRA: If you told us your name I wouldn't have to keep calling you
'sir' and 'mister.'
DAVE: It was Wednesday.
ABBY: }What?
SANDRA: }What?
DAVE: It was Wednesday the eleventh of May. Unless that awful rom com
put me into a three-day coma, the last day I remember was Wednesday
the eleventh of May.
MATT: Wow dude. You've been gone for days. You don't remember
anything?
DAVE: Nothing. I just woke up ten minutes ago. Expected to be on the
couch.
JUDY: Okay, listen up everyone. We need to establish any possible
motive someone could have had for doing this to us. It appears that
none of us know each other and we've all dropped off the planet on
different days.
ABBY: I know him (meaning Matt).
JUDY: Yes, but you don't know him personally. Do you?
Abby shakes her head.
JUDY: Then let's work out the common link between us. There must be
some reason each of us was taken here.
Dave turns back to the group.
DAVE: Who put you in charge of Operation Prison Break, huh? Think you
can work this out?
JUDY: Someone has to take charge, young man, and it's clearly not
going to be you! All you've done is mope and whinge and hurt people.
You've been about as useful as a leaky lifeboat so you might as well
sit in the corner like a naughty boy.
DAVE: Holy fuck. Look at the balls on you.
MATT: Zing! Ain't she sassy?
JUDY: (to Matt) And you too. Quit fooling around and take this
seriously. I didn't ask to be stuck in here adjudicating your
pissing contest.
MATT: Sheesh, sorr-ee.
DAVE: Who did you ask to be stuck in here with, old woman?
JUDY: Excuse me? What are you insinuating, foolish boy?
SANDRA: Pull your heads in, all of you. Judy, you're right. We need
to be more systematic about this. We need to discuss all the possible
reasons why and how we've ended up here. Does anyone have a problem
with that?
Dave is silent. The rest shake their heads.
SANDRA: Good. I'll go first. My name is Sandra Carlson-James. My
husband's name is Jonathan Carlson and we have a seventeen-year-old
son Ben. I work as a communications and policy advisor with the
Environment Preservation Centre, a not-for-profit organisation working
to keep wilderness areas free from development. I've certainly
rankled a few politicians and property developers in my time but I
doubt they'd go to these lengths to get me. The worst I've had is
a dead rat in a letterbox.
MATT: That's a weird place to leave a mousetrap, Sandy.
Matt gets nothing.
MATT: Geez, tough crowd. Well, my name's Matt. I have a boring day
job which I won't bore you with. I started my side career as an
internet sensation with my video clip series Lady GayGay and her
Monster Balls Tour. Every weekend me and some mates film new stuff and
try to go viral with it, just for laughs. I do like drugs though.
Anyone like drugs?
DAVE: Made any enemies on your way to the top of YouTube?
MATT: Oh, literally tonnes of them. Conservatives, greenies, any bogan
who's learned how to use the internet, homosexuals, homophobes, Lady
Gaga, Demi Moore.
DAVE: And you do drugs?
MATT: Just pot and pills, and no, I don't have any dealers after
me.
There is a lull. No one else wants to volunteer info about themselves.
Abby is looking over herself and makes a noise.
DAVE: (to Abby) What is it?
ABBY: My necklace is gone. My bestie gave me in year twelve; it's
seriously the one thing that never leaves my body.
The others start patting their pockets and inventorying themselves.
JUDY: I have nothing but the clothes on my back.
DAVE: Likewise.
SANDRA: I still have my wedding ring.
Dave, Matt and Judy look at Sandra's ring. Abby has a sudden
revelation.
ABBY: What are we going to eat?
Everyone looks at Abby.
ABBY: What?
DAVE: She's right. We'll starve in here. The human body can only
last about three days before dehydration kills it. If we don't get
water we're all going to die, and we're going to do it soon.
They all look distressed. Judy begins to pace fretfully.
JUDY: Oh no oh no oh no oh no! I'm too old for this. (screams and
hits the wall with her palms) Let me out! Let me out of here you sick
bastards. If this is some kind of a joke, well it isn't fucking funny!