Reverend Mike's Jesus App by Hal Parrott
ACT ONE
SCENE 1
(A man is typing on a laptop computer while a woman plays solitaire.
From an open door, stage left, comes the sound of an evangelist
speaking.)
REVEREND MIKE
And now, brothers and sisters, let's let the heavenly choir take us to
our commercial break. Please join us and raise your voices at home.
(The two people seated at the table are unaffected. After the
evangelist stops and organ music begins playing, the evangelist,
REVEREND MIKE CLAYMORE, strides quickly into the room through the open
door, wiping his face with a handkerchief. The woman, SALLY CLAYMORE,
stands and closes the door, muting the organ music completely.)
REVEREND MIKE
Wow, I've got it going tonight.
(Grabs a bottled water from the dressing table and takes a large
drink.)
You were listening, right? What do you think, Robert?
(Begins pacing, stops.)
ROBERT MIDLEY
Sounds good. You might go easy on the money stuff, though. You're
ad-libbing quite a bit.
REVEREND MIKE
Oh, that's okay. That's why they watch. They like that kind of
stuff.
SALLY CLAYMORE
(Doesn't look up from cards.)
Maybe.
REVEREND MIKE
Of course it is. You think there's another reason?
ROBERT MIDLEY
It's not resurrection or forgiveness.
REVEREND MIKE
You're right, it's not the resurrection. It's me. That's why they
watch.
SALLY CLAYMORE
It's you.
(Puts her cards down and looks up.)
REVEREND MIKE
Yeah, it is me. And we're lucky it is.
SALLY CLAYMORE
I don't feel lucky.
ROBERT MIDLEY
How do you feel?
SALLY CLAYMORE
Nervous. Afraid.
REVEREND MIKE
Is it so bad? Is it so tough for you two?
SALLY CLAYMORE
It was bad. And I don't want that again.
REVEREND MIKE (Pauses)
Yeah, well. We won't let that happen again.
ROBERT MIDLEY
So maybe we should watch the money stuff.
REVEREND MIKE (Begins pacing)
Look, Robert, that's why they're here. I'm not Billy Graham. My
message has always been about money. Well, money and daily behavior.
And it still means something. They want to know how to live their
lives. And they want to believe they'll be rewarded. They have to
believe that they will receive.
ROBERT MIDLEY
You might want to throttle back a bit. And you're back on soon.
You've got another twelve minutes coming up.
SALLY CLAYMORE
Yeah, you only have a couple of minutes.
(Door flies open and a woman enters carrying a steno pad and pencil.
Everyone stops moving and looks at her.)
ASHLEY MORRIS
Oh, hi Bobby.
ROBERT MIDLEY
(Stands)
Hello, Ashley. Let me introduce you.
REVEREND MIKE
(Moves toward ASHLEY)
Yeah Bobby. Introduce us.
ROBERT MIDLEY
Ashley, meet Mike and Sally Claymore. Ashley is a reporter. She's
doing a piece on the new you.
REVEREND MIKE
(Shaking ASHLEY'S hand)
The old me was probably more fun.
SALLY CLAYMORE
(Waves from her seat)
Hi, Ashley. Yeah, the old him was lots of fun. Really, very
colorful.
REVEREND MIKE
(Turns from ASHLEY and walks toward SALLY)
Sally and I were married once. We're still best friends, but no
longer a couple.
SALLY CLAYMORE
Yeah, we're kind of joined at the financial hip.
ROBERT MIDLEY
Mike, it's almost time.
REVEREND MIKE
(Takes out a large white handkerchief, wipes his brow, and holding on
to the handkerchief, opens the door to the sound of organ music and
walks out of the room.
End of scene
ACT ONE
SCENE 2
(Organ music is playing as REVEREND MIKE walks from the darkened stage
to a lighted pulpit. Organ music finishes.)
REVEREND MIKE
Brothers and sisters, thank you for that wonderful music. It gives us
all joy. And it opens our hearts. We need open hearts. We need to
be accepting of others and of ourselves. We need to feel okay about
ourselves. We know we are flawed. Our hearts tell us. Our
conscience tells us. And Jesus has told us. He told us that we were
sin-filled. He understood that we would have to struggle against our
own natures. And we do struggle, don't we? We try to do the right
thing. And sometimes we do the right thing. It's a struggle. It's a
struggle just knowing what the right thing is. And sometimes we fail.
We don't mean to fail. We don't mean to behave in a sin-filled way.
But sometimes it happens. We mean to behave in a spiritual and
uplifted manner. But we can't always. And why can't we be better?
Because we can't. We're not perfect. We can't be perfect. The only
one who was perfect was murdered. Maybe because mankind can't stand
to see what perfection looks or sounds like. He was murdered trying
to teach people like us how we should try to behave. People didn't
want to hear it. They believed that they could act like they were
perfect and then be perfidious. That's right, they behaved like
sinners when nobody was looking. And we've all behaved like that ever
since. It doesn't mean we're completely evil. It means we're human.
It means we need to try to follow his teachings. But it also means
that we are forgiven when we can't live perfectly. And that's the joy
of it all. Isn't it? We can be forgiven. We can be offered and
receive eternal life as a sop to our failings. What a fabulous deal.
All we have to do is ask and accept. And then we're in. We live in
heaven forever. Pretty nice, isn't it? But is there more to the
deal? Who's to say? I don't know. I'm not spoken to from on high.
Oh, I think my prayers are heard. I just don't know if they're always
answered in a way that I can understand. What happens when we don't
receive the answer we like or expect? We say, “I don't understand.”
And I walk around saying, “I don't understand,” a lot. There's lots
that we don't understand. But that's okay. We're also designed to be
curious. We want the answers to what we don't understand. Why can't
I be perfect? Why can't I always do the right thing? Why is it so
hard to live correctly? Well, brothers and sisters, it is hard. But
we don't have to make it harder. We can ask for answers. We can look
for answers. And thankfully, our greatest teacher, has given us
answers. He's given us answers for everything.
(Long pause, before leaving the pulpit and walking downstage.)
I will tell you, that I wish I would have had answers. There was a
time, not too long ago, that I made decisions without knowing the best
path. I meant for the best things to happen. I created an enormous
mess for myself and others. I didn't mean to. It was never my
intention to do the wrong thing. But I was being human. I thought I
was doing the right thing. And I worked at it. I really put my human
failings on display. I was chastised. I was persecuted. I was made
to understand my mistakes. My errors. My human condition as a
non-perfect being. I was brought low.
(Pause)
My only solace came from knowing I was made to an imperfect standard.
That I was designed to make mistakes. That my mistakes were of my
doing, but not of my ability to prevent. I knew that through Jesus,
God would forgive me. And I knew that a forgiving, all-knowing
designer expected me to error. To fail. To stumble. To ask for
forgiveness. And guidance.
(Pause)
Guidance. That's what I needed. If I would have had guidance, I
wouldn't have fallen. Oh, I had advisers. I had smart people around
offering counsel. They had credentials and certificates attesting to
their wisdom and knowledge. But guess what? They didn't know any
more than I did. They kept saying, “you go boy!” And I went. I went
right into the biggest pile of perdition anybody ever saw. I lost
everything. Everything. I lost money. I lost the trust of friends.
I lost my reputation. I almost lost my freedom. And then the
advisers, those bright advice givers, were out of answers. They
didn't know what counsel to offer. They did know that I was no longer
a profit center for them. And they too moved on. I was left alone.
(Pause)
Left alone? No, not alone. Lonely, yes. Hungry for redemption and
human companionship. For friendship and understanding. But not
alone. Not alone. Do you know who was with me? Of course you do. It
was Jesus. Jesus. That perfect being. The messenger who spoke to me
through the centuries. Who brought me answers. Who dedicated his life
to imparting knowledge. To giving us, all of us, answers. Why didn't
I ask Jesus for advice when I was sliding? Why didn't I seek his
counsel then? Why?
(Pause)
Because I'm human. Because I am not smart enough. We think we're
smart, but we're really not. We're imperfect, and we do dumb things
to prove it. If I would have used a bit of intellect, I would have
fired my advisers and hired Jesus. Oh I prayed constantly. I thanked
Jesus, and talked about Jesus, and praised Jesus, but I forgot to ask
Jesus for answers. I didn't try to apply his answers to my situation.
Who knows why? I don't. His answers were available. And I knew
where to look. I just failed to do it. I failed to look for the
answers. I'm not sure, but I think I failed to look because I'd been
reading about Jesus my whole life. I didn't want to search for
specific answers to my questions. To my problems. I failed to look
for solutions from the perfect source.
(Pause)
Later I came to understand that I was just overwhelmed. I had a
psychologist explain to me that when we're in a stressful state our
minds function differently. We see the immediate threat and react.
We don't have much of an ability to think pro-actively enough to
prevent the next big immediate threat. And so we move from threat to
threat. From reaction to reaction. We are unable to stop and ask
questions when the bullets start flying. Or maybe that's when we do
ask. And the question is often, “Why me lord?” We do ask that, don't
we? We ask that a lot. And we never seem to like the answer. The
answer might be, “Because you've acted like a mortal!” Now, I'm not
presuming to speak for the almighty, here. I'm only looking at the
evidence. We are unable to make decisions to stop those bullets on
our own. We need help. We need answers to our most important
questions. And we need to be able to ask the questions in sequence.
Before somebody starts shooting at us. Not after. And brothers and
sisters, I have a way to get those answers. It's a way to ask the
great messenger for his advice. I've got a way for you, all of us, to
be spoken to by the perfect being. By Jesus. To establish a dialog
with the ever-living, ever-loving, eternal father. Not through
speaking in tongue or fondling of snakes, but through modern
technology. And I'm anxious to share it with you. In fact, tomorrow
we're having an important nationwide announcement on this very
important offer. It's going to change lives in a way nothing has
before. And you brothers and sisters are going to be the first to
participate in a conversation with our heavenly father. Tomorrow
night, in your living rooms throughout America, people will be able to
begin asking Jesus questions. And for the first time in any of our
lives, his answers will be available to your specific questions in
real time. But for now, let's close with the wonderful music provided
by The Heavenly Chorus. Please go to our website for special prayer
and scripture messages. And tomorrow night, I'll see you all with a
world changing message.
(Religious singing begins and the scene ends with REVEREND MIKE
walking off stage right.)
ACT ONE
SCENE 3
(REVEREND MIKE enters the green room and is immediately confronted by
ROBERT MIDLEY.)
ROBERT MIDLEY
What are you doing?
REVEREND MIKE (Pauses)
Something big.
ROBERT MIDLEY
Why do you pay me? What possible service could I provide if you won't
follow your script?
SALLY CLAYMORE (Stands)
What are you up to, Mike?
REVEREND MIKE
(Grabs a bottled water off the table and takes a big gulp.)
Okay, I'll tell you. And I might as well let you in on it too, Miss
Morris. You'll find out soon enough anyway. I'm going to make a very
big announcement tomorrow night.
(Drinks water)
I'm going to do something nobody has ever done before. It's going to
be huge. Bigger than anything, ever. And Bobby, you'll benefit. You
too Sally. We'll be rolling.
(Wipes his face with the white handkerchief.)
I've already set it all up. I've got our fulfillment people on board.
I'm using their I.T. setup. It's going to be beautiful. Our live
television announcement tonight will be the first news of the offer.
Tomorrow night we'll make our offer nationwide to hundreds of
thousands of believers.
SALLY CLAYMORE
I'm getting a bad feeling.
ROBERT MIDLEY
Mike, you're on probation.
REVEREND MIKE
So?
ROBERT MIDLEY
So, you promised the judge you'd stay away from larcenous behavior.
They could put you in prison.
REVEREND MIKE
For what? For doing the right thing? They won't be putting anybody
in jail.
ASHLEY MORRIS
What are you going to announce, Reverend?
REVEREND MIKE
Ashley, I've found a way for people to text Jesus.
SALLY CLAYMORE
Holy crap.
(Sits)
REVEREND MIKE
And it's not going to cost them much of anything.
ROBERT MIDLEY
Oh my god. This is like a bad dream.
REVEREND MIKE
Well, not much of anything, really. There will be a small buy-in of
just a few dollars, and then a small monthly fee.
ROBERT MIDLEY
Mike, please. I think I know where this is going. You aren't the
only person at risk here.
ASHLEY MORRIS
Are you really going to announce that you have a way for people to
text Jesus?
(SALLY covers her face and puts her head on the table.)
Will you really suggest that?
REVEREND MIKE
No, Ashley. I don't think Jesus is available. And if he is, I sure
don't have his number.
(ROBERT begins pacing and holding his head. REVEREND MIKE looks at
ROBERT.)
Oh come on. Bobby, quit being so dramatic. It's going to be
beautiful. We'll offer the answers and wisdom of the heavenly son to
the great unwashed. Jesus won't be returning phone calls. He'll just
be available as an immortal set of answers to everyone's questions.
I've got it all set up. Six hundred answers for things like, “Should
I date Bob” to “Should I divorce, Mary.” People can ask about
investments or forgiveness. It's all the same to the computer. We
just plug in the best available answer from the teachings of Jesus.
It's all available. It's a program the I.T. people created for me. And
there's no copyright issues.
ROBERT MIDLEY
You are going to go out there, on television, and say that you have a
way for people to text Jesus?
REVEREND MIKE
Well, kind of. But of course I'll be more careful with what I say.
It's all in presentation and packaging, Bobby. But you're the writer.
You can help me with this.
ROBERT MIDLEY
Mike, I believe this may be a mistake. I think you may have a heck of
an idea, but you should have talked to me about this. We could have
steered a safer course. We're headed for trouble with this.
REVEREND MIKE
That's exactly why I didn't talk with you or Sally. You'd try to talk
me out of it. But now it's all set up. You can't stop me. I've got
the the wheels turning. Operators are standing by. And the website
transaction page is ready to receive orders. So, hold on to your hats
kids. This will be some great ride!
SALLY CLAYMORE
(Leaps to her feet)
Mike, you ass! You can't do this. Haven't you been stupid enough?
Haven't you hurt me enough? When will you stop?
ROBERT MIDLEY
(Turns to ASHLEY)
Ashley, maybe this isn't the best time. Can you come over later
tonight?
ASHLEY
It's a great time for me. This is exactly the kind of thing I was
hoping for. Reverend Claymore, Sally, with your permission I'd like
to hang around a bit. This could be quite a story.
ROBERT MIDLEY
I don't think..
REVEREND MIKE
(Interrupts)
Of course you can hang around. You'll have a wonderful opportunity to
chronicle the events of the roll-out.
ASHLEY MORRIS
Roll-out?
REVEREND MIKE
Sure, isn't that what the marketing people call the introduction of a
new product? And it's going to be big. It's going to be so big,
everybody's going to want to be a part of it. Even my two friends
here are going to jump on board. Before you know it, Bobby here will
be claiming that he and I discussed all of this beforehand. And Sally
will be able to collect her Reverend Mike royalties without
embarrassment. It's been a trial hasn't it, Sally?
SALLY CLAYMORE
Don't be an ass, Mike.
REVEREND MIKE
You see, Sally was terribly upset when the prosecutor came after me.
She felt personally attacked. She stopped being Reverend Mike's poor
wife. She became my ex-wife. And she still felt contaminated. She
had been humiliated by contact. The court found that I should be
given punishment. They decided not to send me to jail. But they fined
me and went after our bookkeeping practices. When they were through
with me, I could still preach, but not ask for direct donations. I
could only sell products. And Sally found that she could still use
the money, but didn't need old Reverend Mike. So while I was spending
money on attorneys to keep my ass out of jail, she was spending money
on taking Reverend Mike's ass to the cleaners. Everybody made out but
Reverend Mike.
(Throws a bottled water in the trash.)
And Bobby here, decided to be the voice of reason after the dust
cleared. He had written the messages that got my ass handed to me.
But I'm the messenger who mouthed the words. I'm the one who lost. I
lost my reputation, my money and my wife. But not Bobby. I don't
think Bobby lost much. If anything it made him well known. He became
known in our business as the guy who can move people to make
donations. Big donations, too. Not just from the little old ladies
sitting at home in front of the televisions. He can get the big
donations from people who make a lot of money. From people who are
moved by my messages. From people who can write a $10,000 check
without blinking. You should have seen the proceeds from our prayer
breakfasts. Those people helped us take our ministry to the people.
And boy we did. And we filled up auditoriums. That's what Bobby did.
He would write ads. Ads that said, “Have you seen a miracle?” And
the auditoriums would fill up. And they'd fill up with all kinds of
people. But mostly poor people. Alone people. Unhappy, unlucky
people. That's who Bobby brought in. And Bobby, you can correct me
here, but you didn't feel any guilt did you? (Pause) No, I don't
think you did. And we raked it in. Bobby was the writer and I did
the preaching. He wrote what I preached. People don't know that.
They think guys like me do it all on their own. But really, we need
guys like Bobby here. He's the brains behind our brawn.
SALLY CLAYMORE
And you were innocent, weren't you, Mike? You didn't do anything but
read the words. You didn't buy an airplane? You didn't use the money
to entertain female friends? You didn't have three homes, did you
Mike? You can spin your behavior to a stranger like Alice here. But
I know who you are. And maybe Robert does. But I think he cares
less. He just doesn't want to go to jail. And he likes the money.
ROBERT MIDLEY
Sally, this is a job for me. It's a writing job. It's the kind of
job writers get if they have the chops. I've been loyal to Mike, and
you, Sally. If anything, I've tried to keep a reign on the stuff Mike
comes up with. I pleaded with Mike not to hit the donations so hard.
And not to be so direct about it. Please don't blame me for things
Mike did.
SALLY CLAYMORE
You wrote the things he said, Bob! How can you not be at fault. If
Mike hadn't protected you in court, you'd be on probation too.
REVEREND MIKE
Thank you, Sally. You really do love me.
SALLY CLAYMORE
Oh, shut up, Mike.
(Turns away)
Just shut up.
ROBERT MIDLEY
Can we talk about what you've done? What the offer is going to mean?
What it is you're going to offer?
REVEREND MIKE
Of course, Bobby. And Ashley, you'll find this interesting. You're
going to see history being made. And you better make sure Bobby saves
you a place at the press table. There's going to be a lot of pushing
and shoving soon.
ASHLEY MORRIS
So you're going to pretend to be God or something?
REVEREND MIKE
Uh, no. We're letting people buy in to a set of programmed
prerecorded responses to questions. We've developed a computer
program that will listen to the question that comes in via voice mail,
or read the text that comes in from cell phones. And then an answer
to the question will be furnished with a recorded, automated phone
call or text. And the answers will be synopsized from scripture. It's
all automatic.
ASHLEY MORRIS
Synopsized?
REVEREND MIKE
Sure. Much of what Jesus said takes the form of questions. He often
answered questions with questions. That's okay of course, but this is
the 21st century. We want our answers to be spelled out. We don't
want to think. So, we make our answers easily understandable. And the
program listens to the specifics of the question. If someone asks
about why Bob is a jerk, they should be specific with their question.
We'll be asking them to give us a three sentence question. So they
might ask, “Bob and I have been married two years. I recently learned
that he was seeing another woman. Should I leave him?” This way our
program can respond with a specific answer, taken from scripture, but
in plain everyday language. And, with none of this answering a
question with a question.
ROBERT MIDLEY
(Stands)
Uh, so they can receive a text or voice message answer?
REVEREND MIKE
Yes. Whichever they prefer. And they can ask their questions with
voice mail or text. We'll charge them $4.99 for the app and two
dollars a month. They'll get to ask five questions each month. And
if they go over five questions in thirty days, it's $.99 for each
additional question. So they can ask as often as they want. We'll
just use their billing and credit card info to handle the monthly
transaction fees.
ROBERT MIDLEY
And these answers, these voice mail answers are recorded, right?
REVEREND MIKE
Yeah, of course.
ROBERT MIDLEY
So, are you by chance, the recorded voice?
REVEREND MIKE
Well yeah, we've recorded over six hundred answers. I wasn't going to
hire some on-air talent. It would have cost a fortune.
SALLY CLAYMORE
So you're God, right?
REVEREND MIKE
I'm a recorded voice.
SALLY CLAYMORE
Holy crap. This is what you've always wanted. You may care about the
money. But that's not the big deal here. You care about being God.
This is your chance to be God. You always moan about evangelists
claiming to hear God's voice. Well, this is better. You are God's
voice!
(Starts laughing)
You are really going to to this! You are going to play God.
(There is a knock on the door, and a well dressed man enters.)
STANISLAUS LEGION
Please pardon my interruption. But I'm here on very important
business.
REVEREND MIKE
I'm sorry, we're in the middle of something. Can this wait? Can you
call our office for an appointment?
STANISLAUS LEGION
Well, no. I won't be calling your office. I'm here to talk with you
about something that will make you all a great deal of money. My name
is Legion. Stanislaus Legion. I represent a spiritual organization
that will remain confidential.
(Turns to ASHLEY)
Ashley, I prefer that you leave.
ASHLEY MORRIS
You know my name.
STANISLAUS LEGION
Yes, Ashley. I know about you.
(Turns to REVEREND MIKE)
I know about all of you. I prefer that Ashley leaves so that I can
make my offer without reading about it tomorrow.
ASHLEY MORRIS
May I stay if I promise not to write or talk about your offer?
STANISLAUS LEGION
No. I will be unable to make this offer with you present. And I will
not make the offer at a later time.
ASHLEY MORRIS
Well, okay. I'll wait outside for you, Robert.
ROBERT MIDLEY
We may be awhile, Ashley. Let me give call you when we're done here.
ASHLEY MORRIS
Well, okay. See you all later.
(Exits)
REVEREND MIKE
Mr. Legion. I hope your offer isn't something frivolous.
STANISLAUS LEGION
I believe you will consider this a serious offer.
(Pulls what looks to be a check from his pocket and hands it to SALLY.)
Please note that this payment is made out to you, Sally. And the
amount is not a mistake.
SALLY CLAYMORE
(Stands, looking at the check)
This can't be for real.
STANISLAUS LEGION
Yes, it is real. And here is something for you, Robert.
(Retrieves another check from his pocket and hands it to ROBERT.)
It is equally real.
ROBERT MIDLEY
My God!
STANISLAUS LEGION
And finally, for you Michael.
(Retrieves another check from his pocket and hands it to REVEREND
MIKE.)
REVEREND MIKE
(Staring at the check)
This amount. This is some kind of joke.
STANISLAUS LEGION
There is nothing humorous about this offer, Michael. And this money
comes with strings. That is, you must do your part. Your part is
important to us. That is why the amount is so large.
REVEREND MIKE
What could we, I, possibly do to earn this money? We wouldn't be good
at crime. And none of us are athletic. I don't think you want me to
be the Yankee shortstop.
ROBERT MIDLEY
(Looking at the check)
Maybe this is a dream. A really good dream.
STANISLAUS LEGION
This is not a dream. But we have to insist that you do your part.
You must earn this money. You have embarked on a path that we would
like to see changed. We would like you to change your course. We are
buying the rights to your idea. I have the agreements written and
they are legally binding. You will each need to sign before you can
bank your checks.
REVEREND MIKE
(Takes a seat)
Uh oh.
STANISLAUS LEGION
Yes, Michael. You will not offer your new product. We have our own
very good reasons for asking you to keep the offer away from your
television audience.
REVEREND MIKE
How could you know about this? I just told Robert and Sally tonight.
(Stands)
And how is it that you know all about us? What organization do you
represent?
(Looks at check)
There is no organization name on the check. It just says Stanislaus
Legion. Who are you?