Play: A Play by Jed McKenna
ACT I: GEMINI
Opening music, sung by children in a loop:
ROCK-A-BYE BABY, ON THE TREETOP,
WHEN THE WIND BLOWS, THE CRADLE WILL
ROCK,
WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS, THE CRADLE WILL
FALL,
AND DOWN WILL COME BABY, CRADLE AND
ALL
SETTING &CHARACTERS
Bro &Sis: Day-old baby boy and girl strapped
into car seats during the drive home from the
hospital. Pink and blue bonneted heads stick out,
arms and legs kick and wave.
Other characters: Voice of dad, voice of mom,
voice of older brother, voice of GPS.
BRO and SIS waking up, both have bottles, Bro
drops his, reaches but can't get it, notices Sis.
BRO
Hey baby! Come here often? I'm a Gemini. What's your
sign?
SIS
Dial it down, slick, I'm your twin sister.
BRO
Groovy! Welcome to the world, sis.
(in wrestling announcer style)
Are you ready to r-u-m-b-l-e???
SIS
No rumbling until my fontanelle tightens up.
BRO
Your fontanelle? Yeah, definitely. What's that?
SIS
It's a soft spot on top of my skull. You got one too.
(Bro reaches up)
SIS
Don't touch it, newbie! That's your brain. You want to
go stickin' your snotty fingers in your brain?
BRO
(inspects fingers)
Don't call me newbie!
SIS
Well, stop acting like one.
BRO
You stop it!
SIS
I wasn't doing it!
BRO
You're dumb!
SIS
You're dumber! Dumb boy!
(calms)
Oh wow.
BRO
Yeah we seem to be settling into our roles already.
SIS
Yes, as if we were pre-programmed.
BRO
Or acting from instinct.
SIS
Or as if we're just characters in a play.
BRO
Yes, our lives already scripted.
SIS
Our ends already known.
BRO
Like rats in a maze.
SIS
Like puppets dangling from strings.
BRO
Maybe we should break character, go rogue.
SIS
Yes, rogue babies, sounds like a plan.
BRO
We'll need a catchy theme song.
(making up some 70s-style cop show
music)
Da da daaa, da da daaa, da da daaa,
Rogue babies! Go rogue babies!
Something something tellin' no fib,
Da da dada crawlin'outta the crib!
Another baby reference goes heeere,
And another one that rhymes with it heeere.
Da da daaa, da da daaa
SIS
(interrupts)
Yeah, maybe we should put a pin in the rogue thing
until we get the potty thing figured out.
BRO
The potty thing? Yeah, definitely. What's that?
SIS
I'm not sure. You gotta go through a training program.
(points out car window)
Ooh, did you see that?
BRO
See what?
SIS
I don't know, I haven't learned the names of everything
yet. It had two wings and white feathers and a pointy
beak.
BRO
Oh yeah, that's called a firetruck. They deliver babies.
SIS
Oh. Is that what we're inside now?
BRO
No, this is called a womb.
SIS
How nice, a womb with a view. Who are those people
in the front seat?
VOICE OF OLDER BROTHER
(whiny, impatient five year-old)
Are we there yet? How much longer?
BRO
Oh, him! I been listenin' to this kid while you slept.
He's ancient, five years easy, and what he does, see, he
calls the man and lady on their bullpoop. They say
something real smart, like they know what they're
talkin' about, see, like why the sky is blue, and this kid
this is a riot, I'm tellin' you this kid goes,
“Whyyy?”. Just like that, “Whyyy?” And then,
whatever they answer, he just says it again, “Whyyy?”
And hey, I'm not kiddin' here, this kid'll go all night, he
won't stop. Whatever they say to the last one, he just
pops out another one. Why? Why? Why? Drives 'em
totally batpoop.
SIS
Wow, you really know you're way around. You got a
name yet?
BRO
They call me Mister Smelly-Britches. You?
SIS
Princess Poopy-Pants.
BRO
Pleased to meetcha.
SIS
We've met.
BRO
Oh yeah, that was you in the dark happy-place.
SIS
Yeah, we were like fish swimming in circles, yin and
yang, sixty-niners, and then whoosh! We're getting
squeezed out like golf balls through a garden hose and
that man was hanging me like a flappin' flounder and
smackin' my bummy.
BRO
Who was that masked man?
SIS
Perv.
BRO
Well, here we are. Life. Whadda ya wanna be when you
grow up?
SIS
I don't know. I'm just living from bottle to bottle for
now.
BRO
Sure, why rush? Take a year, learn to walk, see Europe.
SIS
How do you like it so far?
BRO
It is what it is.
SIS
Is it?
BRO
Is it what?
SIS
What it is.
BRO
So it seems. Who can say more.
SIS
It's not more I'm worried about.
BRO
Been here before?
SIS
Not that I recall.
BRO
Any plans?
SIS
Not yet, but I have a tremendous sense of potential.
BRO
I know what you mean, as if anything were possible.
SIS
Yeah, like you could do anything, be anything, like the
whole world is out there just waiting for you.
BRO
Do you think that's really how it is?
SIS
That's really how it seems.
(Sis drinks from bottle)
BRO
Can I get a hit off that?
SIS
(shakes bottle)
Empty.
BRO
I dropped mine.
(points down)
I can see it but I can't reach it. It's what they call a
torment.
SIS
Tormented already? Maybe you'll have an artistic
temperament or a poet's soul. Your life will be a long
string of unsatisfied longings.
BRO
Cool. Is there any money in that?
SIS
I'm guessing not. I wonder what I'll be like.
BRO
With a name like Princess Poopy-Pants I'm sure the
world will bow down before you.
SIS
Maybe, probably not. Nobody plans to have a sad life.
Nobody wants to be alone. Nobody thinks they'll be
sick or unlucky or a victim. Right now I imagine I'll be
very pretty and everyone will like me and I'll grow up
and be smart and have a nice family and my children
will take care of me when I'm old. Do you think that
will happen?
BRO
Why not? The idea has to come from somewhere. I
think I'll be a professional ballplayer and have lots of
money and girlfriends, or maybe a I'll be a cop or a
hitman. So many choices.
SIS
So many, if any. Do you want a family?
BRO
It's a little soon to tell. I'll keep my options open, see
how this one works out first.
SIS
Our family, yeah. What do you think about them?
BRO
I don't know. The bighead on the left
(points)
SIS
I think that's our daddy.