Plans of Moose and Men by Patrick Bohan
ACT I, Scene I
LIGHTS UP: An auto-shop with parts strewn about on a nearby bench.
There is a smiling picture of jesus giving a thumbs up hanging on the
wall, and a large object covered by a white sheet in centerview.
Outside of the room is an expanse of snow and trees.
CHESTER
(excitedly)
Drumroll please.
(CHESTER looks over to see his daughter, LIZ, staring at her phone.)
Hey! I'm in the middle of my sales talk. Can you at least look at me?
LIZ
(looking up from her phone)
Go ahead. I'm listening.
CHESTER
(sarcastically)
Great. Now I'm all interrupted.
(CHESTER, notices a stain on the white sheet, and gets some on his
hand. He quickly wipes it off the sheet, and onto his shirt.)
Aw, man. That was a brand new shirt.
(CHESTER wipes the oil from his shirt onto his jeans; LIZ lets out a
derisive sigh.)
LIZ
(sighing)
Huugh.
CHESTER
What was that?
LIZ
Nothing. Just go on; do your little talk.
CHESTER
After the whole 'missing emergency breaks' incident, we have to
try to get people in this town to trust us; that's where Maury comes
in!
(He pulls the the white sheet, revealing a large stuffed moose)
Get it? It's a moose.
(LIZ continues to look at her phone.)
Maury the Moose. Our last name is moose. See where I'm going with
this?
LIZ
Why did it have to be an animal? It's the civil-war era cars that
you fix and put back on the road that endangered all the moose in this
town. It's this shop that murdered Maury and probably his whole
happy little atomic moose family. Great job.
CHESTER
Look at that smiling face. Are you telling me he's unhappy?
LIZ
(angrily)
He's dead.
CHESTER
Come one, we're not so hard on the environment. The guy coming in
today drives a hybrid. We'll fix his stupid tie-dye Prius so he can
get back to burning flags, insulting the veterans, or whatever
environmental crap kids do these days.
LIZ
That attitude is why you don't have any business.
CHESTER
Maury, here, will drum up new business. We want to make people excited
about auto repair, and this moose is going do it.
(CHESTER puts an arm on LIZ's shoulder and holds the other up,
dramatically)
MOOSE AUTO REPAIR! Father and Daughter, fixing cars. that's what's
gonna bring people in. Not that fancy smancy 'accountability' or
'Non-Human rights violations' crap. Just a man, and his daughter,
fixing un-smoggable trucks which may or may not be responsible for
killing moose .