Pinheads of the Pacific by Michael Legge

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This Play is the copyright of the Author and must not be Performed, Copied or Sold without the Author's prior consent

ACT I

Scene 1
A city street in England. The street hawkers sell their wares.
.
VENDOR 1
Strawberries! Cherries! Blueberries!
VENDOR 2
Bread crusts! Bread crusts for sale. No mold on em, I
swear to God!
VENDOR 3
Grandmothers! Grandmothers for sale! Reduced prices!
Alexander Pinnent enters and addresses audience.
ALEXANDER
This is the small town of Armpitshire, England in the
vengeful miserable year of our Lord, 1855. The vendors
try to make their living by selling whatever's
available. Myself, I'm a shoe lace repairman!
He calls out to the public.
ALEXANDER
Shoe laces repaired! Knots untied! Mending of frayed
tips!
Back to audience.
ALEXANDER
My mother is an old washerwoman. But lately there's
been a shortage of old people to wash, so she sits at
home staring into the fire, even though we don't have a
fireplace. My father deserted us before I was born,
although my mother claims he deserted us before I was
conceived. I'm still trying to figure that one out.
What it comes down to, is I'm poor, she's poor, we're
all poor here. And it's great!

(TO THE TUNE OF “DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS”)
THE RICH WANT MORE WHILE WE GROW POOR
KILLING US OFF WITH TAXES
THEY WANT TOO MUCH AND WE'RE IN DUTCH
KILLING US OFF WITH TAXES
THEY TAKE OUR LAND, THEY TAKE OUR BREAD
KILLING US OFF WITH TAXES
TO BE ALIVE IS WORSE THAN DEAD
KILLING US OFF WITH TAXES
THE ROYALTY COLLECTS THEIR FEES
KILLING US OFF WITH TAXES
THEY CAN'T CARE LESS 'BOUT YOU OR ME
KILLING US OFF WITH TAXES
SOMEDAY WE'LL RISE AND POKE THEIR EYES
KILLING US OFF WITH TAXES
AND WE WON'T MISS WITH OUR BALLED FIST
RIGHT IN THE SOLAR PLEXUS!

Scene 2
The Pinnent home. Mrs. Pinnent sits in wooden
chair. A tall figure dress in a hooded black cloak
stands beside her. Alexander enters.

ALEXANDER
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know we had company.
MOTHER
It's alright, boy. We've been waiting for you. Let me
introduce ye. This here is Death. My son, Alexander.
ALEXANDER
Oh…you said waiting for me?
MOTHER
Don't fret. I asked him to wait till you got home,
that's all. He's here for me.
ALEXANDER
Oh good, I mean, oh, how sad.
Death pulls out watch and points.
MOTHER
Yes, I know, time's wasting. I wanted to tell you
before I go, something very important. It's about your
father. You see, I've never told you the truth about
him.
ALEXANDER
I gathered that.
MOTHER
It's much worse than I've ever let on.
ALEXANDER
You mean you were impregnated by aliens?
MOTHER
Impreg…what kind of a word is that?
ALEXANDER
Inseminate, fertilize…made you with child.
MOTHER
I swear I wish I'd never stolen that copy of Roget's
Thesaurus for your birthday.
He pulls out the book and kisses it.
ALEXANDER
I'll treasure, hold dear, prize, value greatly; adore,
dote on, love, be devoted to, worship, venerate it my
whole life.
MOTHER
Hush! Let me tell you the truth! Your father didn't
desert us. He was executed as a pirate.
ALEXANDER
A pirate!
MOTHER
Yes, son. He was known as Black Francis.
ALEXANDER
Because his heart was so black?
MOTHER
No, because he never washed. Phew, you could smell him
coming a mile away. Anyway, I didn't want ye to know
what an evil scoundrel he was.
ALEXANDER
It's best I know now, so that I may never follow in his
footsteps.
MOTHER
He left me something that I give to you now.
She pulls out a folded paper and hands it to him.
MOTHER
That is a map your father had in his belongings. It
shows an island where he hid all the booty he collected
over the years. He was hoping to quit the pirate
business and retire a wealthy man.
ALEXANDER
You mean, we could have been wealthy right now instead
of eating dirt for dessert at Christmas?
MOTHER
No! That's the thing. There's no way to tell from the
map where the island is. Only an experienced pirate
could read it.
ALEXANDER
I'll go find a experienced pirate. Be back in a minute.
MOTHER
No son! I don't want you to consort with pirates! Blood
will tell. Sure as I sit her with Death at my side…
She turns to Death.
MOTHER
That's right, I haven't forgotten you. If you go
searching for that treasure, you'll be lured by the
pirate way of life and your soul will be doomed.
ALEXANDER
But I'll have a lot of fun till then!
Death takes the Mother by the arm and tugs at her.
MOTHER
Alright! Time for me to go.
ALEXANDER
Say hello to Dad for me, and thank him for this!
MOTHER
What's done is done. C'mon, Death.
ALEXANDER
Nice to meet you, Death. I hope I don't see you again
for a long time.
Death pulls out his schedule to check.
ALEXANDER
No, don't tell me. I want it to be a surprise.
Death and his mother leave.
ALEXANDER
I must find some nautical types to help me find this
treasure. But I've never been on a ship and know
nothing about it. I know! If I hang around outside long
enough, some rapscallions will shanghai me and I'll end
up on a ship. Maybe then I can find a way to locate
this treasure. Oh thank you, Mother for dying and
leaving me this legacy. It shan't be wasted!

Scene 3
The street at night. Alexander stands in the
street, figuring out how to be shanghaied.
ALEXANDER
How to get shanghaied? Maybe if I stand around looking
powerless, weak, defenseless and vulnerable, some
scalawags will abduct me.
He puts on a “face” to project that. A man walks
by, looks at him for a second.
WELL OFF MAN
You poor blighter. Here!
He hands Alexander a coin.
WELL OFF MAN
Get yourself a meal.
The man exits.
ALEXANDER
Maybe I need a more direct approach.
A prostitute saunters by.
ALEXANDER
Excuse me, ma'am. Do you know where I can get
shanghaied?
PROSTITUTE
I never heard of it referred to as that, mate, but look
no further. I'll “shanghai” you for 5 bob.
ALEXANDER
That's great. I'll show you where to go, I have a map.
He starts to look for his map.
PROSTITUTE
I know where to go, you twit!
ALEXANDER
You do? Did you know my father?
PROSTITUTE
I know most of the men in this town.
ALEXANDER
But my father's dead.
She slaps him.
PROSTITUTE
Stop diddling me, you wharf rat. I got to make a
living!
She exits. Another woman enters.
ALEXANDER
Excuse me, miss, but I'm trying to get shanghaied and I
thought maybe you'd know…
IRATE WOMAN
Shanghai! How dare you mention shanghai to me!
She slaps him.
IRATE WOMAN
My husband ran away to Shanghai and I never saw him
again! Don't ever say Shanghai to me!
ALEXANDER
I didn't mean the city, Shanghai…
IRATE WOMAN
I told you not to say Shanghai!
She slaps him again.
ALEXANDER
But I don't know another word for Shanghai…
IRATE WOMAN
Shanghai?! Why do you torture me?! What have I done to
you to deserve this? You wretched, cruel, barbaric
man!
(Smugly)
.
As she says this, she keeps pummeling him until
he's on the ground. She stalks off. Three men
bearing a large sack emerge.
PETE
Three hours and we've yet to see anyone to shanghai.
IRVING
Let's call it a night. We'll have to try again
tomorrow.
Alexander has gotten up and sees the men. He
starts for them.
PETE
Wait! I see someone coming. Hide the sack!
They pass it back and forth while Alexander
approaches. Before he sees them, the third man,
Jamie, puts the sack over his head.
ALEXANDER
Good evening, gentlemen.
PETE
Evening, sire. Out for a late night stroll, are ye?
ALEXANDER
Oh yes. I like to hang around the ships here at port. I
love the sea. Would really like to go on a sea voyage.
Do you understand what I mean?
PETE
Can't say we do, sir.
ALEXANDER
Why, I even wouldn't mind being…shanghaied, just to
go to sea.
IRVING
Oh, well, sorry to disappoint you sir, but we're not
shanghai types. No, we're…farmers.
ALEXANDER
Farmers?
IRVING
Aye. We live over there!
He points randomly.
ALEXANDER
How can you live next to the shore and be a farmer?
What kind of farmer are you?
IRVING
Wet farmers.
PETE
He means, we grow…seaweed.
ALEXANDER
Seaweed?
PETE
Sure. Seaweed soup is all the rage now in London. We
can't keep up with the demand.
ALEXANDER
May I ask what's wrong with that man?
He points to the man with the sack on his head.
PETE
Oh, uh, that's me cousin, sir. He works at the fair.
Yes, he's a freak show attraction.
ALEXANDER
Oh really?
PETE
Yes, he's called the…the…
IRVING
Armadillo Man!
ALEXANDER
The Armadillo Man?
PETE
Yes! He was abandoned at birth and then some armadillos
found him and raised him as one of their own.
IRVING
Aye! So when he growed up he looks like one. Oh, it's a
horrible sight. Looks just an armadillo!
JAMIE
I am not a armadillo! I am a human being!
ALEXANDER
I don't believe you gentlemen. I believe you are
prevaricating.
IRVING
Oh no, sir. Not out in public. Just behind locked
doors.
ALEXANDER
I mean you're lying. I think you were out looking for
someone to shanghai.
PETE
Oh never!
IRVING
Not true, sir!
Jamie makes a animal sound of protest.
ALEXANDER
As it so happens, I am trying to be shanghaied.
PETE
You want to be shanghaied?
ALEXANDER
Yes, so shanghai me!
PETE
Won't work, sir.
ALEXANDER
Why?
PETE
Well, the whole point of shanghaiing you is doing it
against your will.
IRVING
What kind of pirates would we be if we did something
you wanted us to do? We might as well become honest
men.
ALEXANDER
Ah, I see. I can solve that problem. Listen to me
carefully now.
He turns away from them.
ALEXANDER
I certainly hope no one shanghais me tonight. That
would be simply awful!
CREWMEN
(Tune of Sidewalks of New York)
10.
ALEXANDER
SHANGHAI SHANGHAI
GRAB THEM OFF THE STREET
IF YOU DON'T COME 'LONG WILLINGLY
UPON YOUR HEAD WE'LL BEAT
DON'T LOOK WHERE YOU GOING
YOU'LL GET THERE SOON ENOUGH
COME WITH US WITHOUT A FUSS
OR ELSE WE WILL GET ROUGH
SHANGHAI SHANGHAITHAT'S JUST WHAT I WANT
TO GET THE HELL OUT OF ARMPITSHIRE
AND HAVE AN OCEAN JAUNT
NO NEED FOR THE ROUGH STUFF
YOU JUST SHOW ME THE WAY
I CAN'T WAIT TO GET ABOARD YOUR SHIP AND SAIL AWAY
Music interlude while they measure him to see if
the sack fits over him. Then they pull it over and
hold him.
SHANGHAI SHANGHAI
THAT'S JUST WHAT WE DO
WE WOULD LIKE TO GRAB MANY MEN
BUTWE'LL SETTLE FOR A FEW
THANKS FOR BEING FRIENDLY
WE DON'T LIKE BEING ROUGH
WE HAVE TO SAY CANDIDLY THAT WE'RE NOT VERY TOUGH.
Alexander gives half hearted protests while the
pirates laugh.
CREWMEN
11.
Scene 4
The deck of the ship, the Soggy Bottom. The
pirates take the sack off of Alexander's head.
ALEXANDER
Phew! Did you have to use an old garlic sack?
PETE
You're lucky we didn't use an old manure bag.
IRVING
That was an old manure bag. I had put garlic in it to
kill the smell.
The pirates say, “Rrrrrr”, in disgust.
ALEXANDER
Anyway, now that I've been properly shanghaied, I'd
like to meet the captain.
The pirates all laugh.
PETE
So you'd like the meet the captain, eh, me lad? Jamie,
go downstairs and bring the captain up here.
Jamie runs off.
ALEXANDER
If I'm going to be a member of the crew, what's the
name of this ship?
PETE
Well, I tell you if you don't laugh.
ALEXANDER
I won't laugh.
PETE
Swear on Neptune's trident!
ALEXANDER
I swear! What's the name of the ship?
PETE
The Soggy Bottom.
Alexander tries to keep a straight face, then
bursts out laughing.
12.

PETE
See? I told ye!
IRVING
It's not our fault! We didn't name it that! We got it
cheap because that was it's name!
ALEXANDER
But once you bought it, why didn't you just change the
name?
They think about it.
IRVING
Blast! We never thought of that! We could have just
changed the name.
PETE
We can't anymore, we got used to the name.
PETE
While we're a waiting, what's your name, lad?
ALEXANDER
My name is Alexander Pinnent.
PETE
Alexander Pinhead?
ALEXANDER
No, Alexander PINNENT.
PETE
That's what I say, Alexander Pinhead.
ALEXANDER
No, it's Pinnent not Pinhead!
PETE
Oh! Alexander Pinnent not Pinhead.
ALEXANDER
That's right.
PETE
So, Alexander Pinnent not Pinhead, where you from?
ALEXANDER
It's not Pinnent not Pinhead!
PETE
Okay, Alexander Pinhead.
13.
ALEXANDER
Oh, never mind. I'm from Armpitshire.
PETE
Oh, I bet you're glad to be out of there. Well, they
calls me Old Pete.
ALEXANDER
Old? You can't be more than 40.
PETE
In these times, 40 is old. This here is Scurvy Irving.
IRVING
How are you Alexander?
ALEXANDER
Do you really have scurvy?
IRVING
Oh no.
ALEXANDER
Then it must be referring to your character?
IRVING
Me character?
ALEXANDER
Yes.
He pulls out thesaurus.
ALEXANDER
Worthless, contemptible.
IRVING
Ah, you hear that, Pete? I'm worthless and
contemptible!
PETE
I knew it from the first. Congratulations!
ALEXANDER
And what's the name of the quiet man?
PETE
Oh, that's Jamie. We call him Daft Jamie because we
can't understand a thing he says.
IRVING
He don't talk sense, that's for sure.

[end of extract]

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