P T Barnum - The Greatest Show On Earth by Jude Mead
SCENE ONE - THE CIRCUS TENT
SCENE: On stage is a country store setting from the 1800s
The furniture should include a high table to be a counter with antique
containers set on it
A barrel or box with a flour sign on it or corn
A bookcase filled with merchandise such as food, goods, material, or anything
else sold in the 1800 time period
AT RISE: LIGHTS come up
An announcer from off stage introduces an older P.T. BARNUM, who from here
on out will be known as the RINGMASTER, enters from the back of theatre shaking
hands with audience
An upbeat circus song begins playing
HE is wearing a top hat and dressed as RINGMASTER
He has a whip in his hand
He walks up to the center of stage, turns to audience, tips his hat, and
begins to speak
RINGMASTER. I never said there's a sucker born every minute. If I
had said it, I would have said every second. And I would have added
that I'm referring to the second you were born. And what's more, I
would have included me right along side of you.
(HE smiles and puts his hat back on his head) I'm Phineas Taylor
Barnum, named after my granddaddy. Good name Phineas Taylor but I
couldn't get used to repeating it for people. They would ask me my
name and I'd tell them my name, and then just as certain as
Halley's comet appears every 75 years. They would say, "What is it
again"? So I shortened it to P.T. and interestingly, people rarely
ask me what that stands for. (HE removes his top hat and puts it down
on counter along with his whip then moves forward to edge of stage
center) I was born July 5, 1810 in Bethel, Connecticut. My mother was
disappointed that I had not arrived a day earlier during the July 4th
celebration. But I liked my debut after the national holiday. That way
I didn't give it any competition. I never had much schooling. The
only thing I recall about school is when Professor Lauren P. Hickok
threw a ruler at my head. (HE ducks) I dodged it and it struck pretty
Eliza Carry right in the face. (HE takes off his gloves slowly pulling
at each finger. He holds them in his hand.) Soon after, my father
pulled me from school to work on the farm, though I did as little as
possible. I had earned my reputation as the laziest boy in town and I
wasn't giving it up. I just like headwork rather than hand work,
that's all. It's not work that I disliked so much I just wanted to
choose its nature. (HE walks stage right and points his finger to
audience.) What was I was good in? Arithmetic. (HE then walks to stage
left) Give me numbers and I'd give you answers. Quick too. Didn't
need any paper and pencil either. (HE points to his head.) All in my
head. That's when my father bought a store (HE swings his arm to the
setting behind him) and made me the clerk at the age of sixteen. (A
young BARNUM walks on stage and settles behind counter) My sweetheart
and fiancé CHARITY HALLETT was right there beside me. (CHARITY walks
up on stage holding a feather duster and begins to dust off the
shelves.) I lived in a time when deception was common practice. (HE
puts his gloves back on, walks over and picks up his hat and puts it
on his head, picks up his whip and gives it a tug then turns back to
audience.) I'm telling you the world was full of humbugs back then.
But I knew how to drive a hard bargain whether I was buying, selling
or bartering. (HE walks off stage left. LIGHTS lower)
SCENE TWO - THE COUNTRY STORE
LIGHTS come up and a young BARNUM is standing behind the counter
counting out his cash
In front of him on the counter is a scale to weigh produce
CHARITY, his fiancé, is off to the side dusting and straightening out the shelves and
racks
A CUSTOMER walks in from off stage carrying a bundle and hands it to BARNUM
who immediately puts it on the scale and tries to open it
BARNUM. You sure got this tied pretty tight.
CUSTOMER. Don't want one grain to fall out, sir. Maybe you might
want to open it later. (Customer begins to act jittery and keeps
looking towards exit.) I'm in a bit of a hurry. I'll just grab my
food and we can settle up some other time.
BARNUM. It won't take but a minute. (Barnum continues to struggle
with the tie on the bag.) There got it. (Rocks come tumbling out of
bag with a few ears of corn.)
CUSTOMER. (acting surprised and looking around for a quick exit) How?
What? I don't understand?
BARNUM. Seems to me, SIR, we got some renegotiating to do.
(CUSTOMER starts to exit with his bundle.
CUSTOMER. (Turns to audience and throws up his arms.) Not sure how
those got in there. (exits stage grumbling under his breath.)
CHARITY. (stepping forward on stage as she continues to dust.) Those
farmers think they can fool you Phineas. How foolish they are! Can
anyone outwit the wittiest?
BARNUM. It's a dog eat dog trade, Charity. The customers cheat us in
their goods. We cheat the customers with our goods. We all expect to
be cheated. (HE picks up his accounting book.) Hopefully, though, not
to get caught. (HE replaces the book.)
CHARITY. Well it all seems quite unsettling to me.
BARNUM. And to me, I believe little of what I see and less of what I
hear.
CHARITY. I'm not sure I agree.
BARNUM. Humbugs are everywhere, my dear, even where you least expect
them. Surely you heard the funny story of the church Deacon who called
downstairs to his clerk.
CHARITY. I don't believe I have, Phineas.
BARNUM. It goes like this. John, have you watered down the rum? (HE
picks up a bottle of rum.) Yes sir says the boy. Have you sanded the
sugar? (HE picks up a bag of sugar.) Yes sir says the boy. And powder
dusted the pepper? (HE picks up a container of pepper.)Yes sir says
the boy. And chicory the coffee? (HE picks up a coffee can.) Yes sir
says the boy. Then John, it's time to come up for prayers.
CHARITY. You do make me laugh Phineas. Speaking of Deacons, I missed
you yesterday at church. Were you off selling those lottery tickets
again, Phineas? I'm certain the church doesn't approve of such
gambling.
BARNUM. Approve? Why the lottery is praised by the church and
permitted by the state. That preacher may preach about the sin of
gambling but if the lottery benefits the church, he sure turns his
head quickly.
CHARITY. (looking around nervously and speaking quietly.) Phineas,
shhhhh someone might be listening.
BARNUM. Selling lottery tickets makes money, Charity. People like to
gamble expecting to win of course. It may be their only chance for
getting rich. The lottery why it's it'sa necessity.
CHARITY. A necessity! Tell me Phineas, what is really a necessity in
this world?
BARNUM. Depends, Charity. To the merchant of course it's plenty of
customers, who buy liberally and pay cash. To the farmer it's a good
crop and high prices. The lawyer may say it's an unruly community
and the clergyman says it's a multitude of sinners seeking
salvation. To the bachelor it's a wife and to the maiden a good
husband.
CHARITY. And to you Phineas, what is a necessity to you?
BARNUM. To me Charity, it's living a good life with you. Something
that we can look back on with satisfaction and pride.
CHARITY. I am glad I am marrying you Mr. Phineas Taylor Barnum.
BARNUM. And I you Miss Charity Hallett. There is not another woman so
suited to my disposition and so valuable to me.
CHARITY. Let's live in New York City when we marry.
BARNUM. New York it is! And we shall set out to make our millions.
CHARITY. Millions? And how do you plan to go about doing that
Phineas?
BARNUM. I am thinking of buying the American Museum of Curiosities
from Mr. Amis Scudder. People love to see something that is different
and they will pay to come view anything that sparks their curiosity.
CHARITY. I've heard of the mermaid that Mr. Scudder claims is half
monkey.
BARNUM. That mermaid alone should bring in thousands of dollars.
CHARITY. You could also exhibit that woman believed to be 161 years
old. People say she was George Washington's nurse. I, however,
surely have my doubts.
BARNUM. It doesn't matter what we believe, Charity. It's what we
can get others to believe.
CHARITY. Still, Phineas.
BARNUM. I saw Joice Heth and all I can say is she might as well have
been called a thousand years as any other age. And she may be near
blind and have no teeth but her mind is sharp and she can talk
intelligibly with anyone willing to talk to her.
CHARITY. Seems to me your mind is set on this museum.
BARNUM. That museum will make us wealthy. With my advertising skills,
I will turn Joice Heth's stories into gold. I know people will pay
to come hear them. A good curiosity is better than a shiny diamond.
CHARITY. Well, she certainly isn't a shiny diamond!
BARNUM. Maybe not but my American Museum of Curiosities shall become
New York's most popular place of amusement.
CHARITY. Will there be more curiosities for display? (SHE puts away
her duster, takes off her apron and starts packing up boxes. SHE then
takes hold of BARNUM'S arm and they begin to exit off stage.)
BARNUM. There will be more than enough to delight the whole world,
Charity. There will be Tom Thumb, the bearded lady, Anna Swan…
(The two walk off as their voices fade.)
(CIRCUS MUSIC comes on
CLOWNS come on stage and remove furniture off-stage in a funny skit
CLOWNS set up balloons, table for selling tickets, posters
CLOWNS exit)