Murder Upstairs Downstairs at Upton Priory by Ken Methold
CHARACTERS
(All of the following can be played by a cast of 4: 2 males, 2 females doubling)
Recorded Voice-over narrator (male, recorded)
Ruth Crass, a ruthless ambitious, woman with an eye to the main chance
Lady Cynthia an aristocrat: Forty, dedicated to horses and hounds
Lady Crucilla her mother: Sixty plus, with the fairies
The Earl her father: Seventy, by 18th century standards, quite sane
The Dowager her grandmother (Not seen): Ninety. Totally out of it
Sir Hubert her brother: a chinless wonder with a lot of teeth
Mrs Sampson his American friend: Answers to forty, an adventuress
Korn the footman: Twenty plus, Jack the lad
Reeves the butler: Sixty, appears to be servile but is far, far from it
Mrs Sauce the cook Fifty, large, heavy, solid all the way through
Alice the maid- pert, ambitious, not very bright
Grudge the gardener: Seventy, in an agricultural world of his own
Doctor Dusseldorf a psychiatrist: Fifty, suave, elegant, on the make
Miss Maple a busy-body: Sixty, think Miss Marple a nosey parker
A Nurse: Fifty, hard bitten, stands no nonsense
A KGB Agent: No dialogue. Sinister.
Boris Vasilivitch: Pinch'nikov - boisterous, affable, totally dangerous
STAGING
No sets or furniture need be used except for two folding screens
Locations will be indicated either by placards or the dialogue
COSTUME
This will depend largely on how much time the actors have to make
costume changes. As a general principle, it can be limited to hats,
wigs, facial hair and spectacles. It is important that every character
should have an appropriate hat
OVERTURE
Downton Abbey or similar music under if possible - projected
stills of the exterior and interior of an absurdly large English
country house. Fade music down and hold under narration.
Narrator: (V.O). Upton Priory is a Grade 2 listed country house
located near the infamous village of Midwinter home of the British
murder industry. Lady Cynthia, only daughter of Earl Fortescue-Cholmondley
and Lady Crucilla, has engaged the successful motel- owner and television
personality, Ruth Crass, to advise her how to make the magnificent but
dilapidated 18th century country house financially sound
Music briefly up, then fade out.
SCENE ONE
An empty stage. REEVES enters and addresses the audience. He is dark
suited and wears a bowler hat.
REEVES: They're all agitated downstairs. There's this woman coming
to advise her ladyship on how to make this place pay and if there's
one thing that's certain it's that whatever she suggests it'll
mean more work for the servants. And being a butler who has to keep
that lot in order is no easy take, I can tell you. And as for them
upstairs, well, believe me, generations of in-breeding have resulted
in a collection of eccentrics that probably shouldn't be allowed
out. But I do my best for them. And now, if you'll excuse me, I'll
get back to my pantry. I've got the silver to clean. (He turns away,
then turns back.) Silver plate actually. The fourth Earl sold the real
stuff to pay a gambling debt. It was either that or, you know, twenty
paces, turn and bang!
He exits
SCENE TWO
RUTH CRASS enters. She is a business-suited, heavily made-up woman
With a blonde, fringed hair style and a lot of large beads. She addresses
the audience
RUTH: I have no idea what I shall find at Upton Priory. Unusually it
is the daughter of the owners who contacted me, not her parents. I
know only that the property one of the nation's finest country
houses - is on two thousand acres and has been in the
Fortescue-Cholmondley family since it was gifted to them by Henry
VIIl. Henry, having shut down most of the monasteries, abbeys and
priories, gave them to assorted aristocrats who had decided that their
bread was better buttered if they abandoned Catholicism, adopted the
Protestant faith and supported him in his pursuit of Anne Boleyn.
Well, now I'm here, I shall soon know the worst. (We hear the sound
of a hound baying.) Oh, God! What's that? Sounds like a hound. I
hope this family isn't related to the Baskervilles.
SCENE THREE
LADY CYNTHIA, wearing a riding hat and carrying a whip in one hand
and a dead fox (a moth-eaten fox fur will do) in the other, approaches.
She is an extraverted woman, very ex-posh boarding school, seriously
interested in only dogs, horses and being 'lady of the manor'
She offers RUTH her hand with the fox in it, realizes what she's done and
pulls it back.
CYNTHIA: Sorry, just back from the hunt. I'm Master of the Hounds,
you know. Family tradition. Lovely kill. We bloodied the vicar's young son.
Silly boy cried his eyes out. Didn't seem to understand. Lovely to meet you, Ruth.
RUTH: And you, Lady Cynthia.
CYNTHIA: Thank you so much for coming.
RUTH: What a splendid building.
KORN, a complaining creature in wig and livery jacket approaches.
KORN: You got any luggage?
RUTH: No. I'm not staying.
KORN: Thank Gawd for that. I've got enough work to do without
bleeding house guests. And none of the beds is made up. In fact, the
mattresses are so damp you could paddle in them.
CYNTHIA: That will do, Korn.
KORN: Huh! 'That'll do, Korn.' (Aside) It's all very well for
her to talk; she's never done a day's work in her life. Do this,
does that. It's one bloody thing after another.
Muttering, he exits.
RUTH: Rather a surly servant, your ladyship. (Aside) He'll have to
go for a start.
CYNTHIA: Oh, I'm used to it. I don't mind as long as he doesn't
kick the dog. You see, it's so hard to get servants nowadays
especially when you can't afford to pay them. Korn spends a lot of
his time looking after mother.
RUTH: Ah! You live here with your mother?
CYNTHIA: Yes. Lady Crucilla. And my father, the Earl.
RUTH: And they are anxious to make the estate pay?
CYNTHIA: I'm afraid they both live entirely in worlds of their own.
They've rather opted out of the twenty-first century. To tell you the truth,
they can barely cope with the nineteenth.
RUTH: I see. How many servants are there?
CYNTHIA: Oh, my dear, an entire army of them. I don't know half of
them. They come and go like trains. The important ones are Reeves, the
butler, Mrs Sauce, the cook,, Alice the maid, Alfred, my father's
valet he doubles as the chauffeur - , Grudge, the gardener and
Korn, the first footman.
RUTH: There's more than one footman?
CYNTHIA: There must be. There are several strange men in ridiculous
wigs serving meals. I'm sure most of them have got fleas. I found
one in my soup the other day.
RUTH: Footmen?
CYNTHIA: No, dear. Fleas.
RUTH: Of course. But can you afford to pay some many servants?
CYNTHIA: Oh, none of them is paid.
RUTH: What!
CYNTHIA: Oh, we look after them. Noblesse oblige, and all that. They
all live in, you see, rent-free, get two meals a day, and a one bar
electric fire in their rooms in the winter. They're quite warm when
the power hasn't been cut off. But let's go in and I'll show you round.
She exits.
RUTH: (to audience) I think this is going to be one of my more
difficult assignments. You'd be surprised how many of these old
families won't do anything to have their country houses rescued. I
do hope I'm not going to have to deal with a dysfunctional family.
So many of these aristocratic families are, you know. Like royalty
most of them marry cousins. So much better when they marry an
American millionaire or heiress. I sometimes think that without these
infusions of American blood, most of the English upper class would be
totally gaga. I must say I find it strange that there are so many
servants here and that they are apparently prepared to accept what
seems to be little more than slavery.
She exits.
SCENE FOUR
KORN enters, lugging a large flat pack.
KORN: This has just been delivered. From IKEA. Now I've got to
unpack and assemble the bloody thing… Gawd knows what it is. Could
take me hours. And I've got to get down to the village to put me bet
on before twelve. Ah, well. Let's have a look.
He begins to unpack the flat pack. There are scores of pieces of wood,
metal, rope, nuts, screws and a single alan key
KORN: Made in bloody Sweden, of course. I tell you, these Swedes are a
real pain. They must spend all their time trying to put this kind of thing together.
You'd think they'd have better things to do. I reckon they should all get out more.
LADY CRUCILLA: (off) Korn! Korn!
A bell rings agitatedly.
KORN: Damn! That's Lady Crucilla. Needs a foot rub or something. I
didn't know until it was too late what a footman has to do. (Calling) All
right! All right! I'm coming. (to audience) She's a total fruit cake. I'll leave
this here and come back to it when I've got time.
He exits
[end of extract]