Murder at Sea by Chris Shelstone

This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author's PRIOR consent

It's the Welcome Meeting on board the Happy Wanderer, about to set
sail for a one-night taster cruise. During the time when passengers
start to come on board, (i.e. audience guests arriving) a Health &
Safety Officer is on hand to give out complimentary drinks, show
passengers the drill in event of emergency and to make sure they have
everything they need. He is really an on-board detective, which is
revealed later. In the meantime, he settles himself down, out of the
way and remains inconspicuous to everyone and takes no part in the
proceedings until the end. Ben, the Cruise Director enters and
introduces himself to all the passengers and introduces some of the
key personnel.

BEN DOVER: Welcome aboard our cruise liner The Happy Wanderer. (Starts
to sing first few words - I love to go a wandering) Oh happy days. I
am your cruise Director Ben Dover for this one-night taster special
cruise from the newly refurbished and redeveloped Freckleton Boat Yard
to Blackpool South Pier (or local town/seaside town). We hope after
being on this taster cruise we can tempt you on one of our longer
voyagers. This is my first appointment on a Cruise Ship, I was chosen
for the job because of my years of experience in general management of
special events. I know how to organise people to create a trip never
to be forgotten. We have spared no expense to make sure you have a
memorable cruise. The Happy Wanderer, formerly called The Armitage
Shanks, has been fully refurbished and updated to the incorporate all
the latest technology. Entertainment is world class, food is divine,
and our crew, who I will introduce you to very soon, are all trained
to the highest standard. It's a brand-new crew, selected especially by
our top management. Captain McAvity for example, has been fast tracked
up the Cruise liner directorship programme and has recently been on
special duties on one of the biggest ocean-going liners - The
Incontinence of the Seas. Now just to get a few details out of the way
- your luggage is being transported to your cabins as we speak. As
regards safety drill, we believe it interrupts the cruise too much to
get everyone together crammed into a tiny room where there are not
enough seats for everyone. You have to wait ages for everyone to be
present and all that nonsense - so we have a special Health & Safety
advisor on board who will come and see you individually to instruct
you on the safety drill. Some of you will have already been through
that process I understand. (He stands up briefly and makes himself
known) After this introduction meeting, we have laid on a special Hot
Pot Supper with Apple Pie by world renowned Michelin star Chef Miriam
(Or local Hot-Pot supplier). I think it's about time we meet our
Captain.

Capt. Phil McAvity enters.

CAPT.: Stand by your beds.

BEN: Captain McAvity.

CAPT.: Ben.

BEN: Phil. (To passengers) Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome our
Captain Phil McAvity.

CAPT.: Thank you everyone.

BEN: Are we ready to set sail yet Captain?

CAPT.: Just waiting for the Pilot to guide us out of the estuary.

BEN: The Pilot? We're on a boat here.

CAPT.: Ship.

BEN: What?

CAPT.: We are on a ship, not a boat Ben.
BEN: Ship, boat - It's all the same.

CAPT.: No - you don't understand. Oh, never mind, I'll explain later.
Have you introduced any of the crew yet?

BEN: I was just about to do that Captain. (Calls out to off stage) Ok
you lot, look lively. By the left, quick march.

The rest of the crew enter and line up on the stage. Jack leads the
way, followed by Dr Lance Boyle, Paris, Caroliner, Poppy & Penny. Jack
is suitably dressed in a boiler suit, holding a spanner, Dr Boyle
could be in a white coat, and Paris in a nurse’s uniform.

BEN: Welcome everyone. As you know the Captain and I have not been
formally introduced to you, although I have met some of you before.
So, for those who have not met us yet allow me to introduce you to
Captain Philip McAvity & myself your Cruise Director Ben Dover. Ben to
you.

JACK: (to the others who all laugh) Ben Dover & Phil McAvity.

BEN: I didn't hear that.

JACK: (raising his voice) I said Ben Dover...

BEN: Stop right there, young man. I'll see your Manager afterwards.
Captain?

CAPT.: Now then. We pride ourselves on being the best Cruise Line in
the business, so Mr Dover and I are relying on you to service our
passengers and make sure they have a cruise to remember. Yes?

ALL: Yes.

CAPT.: I’m sorry, I didn't hear that.

ALL: (louder) Yes.

CAPT.: Yes What?

ALL: (louder in a military style) Yes Captain sir.

CAPT.: Thank you. Over to you Ben to introduce your staff to the
passengers.

BEN: Thank you Captain. Now Ladies & Gentlemen, allow me to introduce
you to some of our Crew. We pride ourselves on recruiting the highest
trained personnel on this bo…ship. (Looking at Captain) I've asked a
selection of them from various departments to come along to this
meeting and introduce themselves. Some of them are as new to me as
your good selves so, now then let me see. (Referring to his clipboard)
The ships comedian must be representing maintenance.

JACK: Jack Spanner Sir. The Chief Engineer is getting ready to sail,
so he sent me along.

BEN: Thank you Jack. Tell our passengers what your duties are.

JACK: I'm the apprentice mechanic. I help keep the engines running
smoothly, do lots of checks and that. Basic stuff really. I also help
maintain the cabins if there are any problems with the plumbing etc.

Dr Boyle & Nurse Paris have started to giggle.

BEN: All right calm down, calm down. What are you two laughing at?

Dr BOYLE: Nothing sir.

Ben glares at Paris.

PARIS: I was just thinking sir that my cabin has a bit of a leak and
perhaps Jack could come along and have a look at my plumbing.

BEN: Report it to maintenance, and they will allocate someone to see
to it. (Refers to Dr Boyle) Now then, Dr Boyle I presume?

Dr BOYLE: Present and correct sir. (To the passengers) You can address
me as Dr Lance. This is my first position on a cruise ship.

BEN: (to passengers) Dr Lance Boyle will be available if you need to
see a doctor for anything, ably assisted by nurse Paris.

JACK: (to Dr Boyle) I've been feeling a bit yucky recently.

Dr BOYLE: Have you now? Tongue out and let's have a look. (Checks his
mouth with a disposable wooden spoon and then looks into his eyes. Dr
Boyle is right-handed.) Goodness gracious me, I do not like the look
of that grey spec in your eye.

JACK: Oh, that’s always been there. Nothing to worry about.

BEN: Never mind about his eye. There's a rumour going round that a
certain Dr Boyle has just won the lottery. Is this true?

Dr BOYLE: It certainly is. 35 million on the euro lottery. Got the
call yesterday.

All act accordingly – wow, that’s great, what are you doing here
then, etc.

CAROLINER: Yes, so why are you here? You should be heading off to the
Bahamas, not working on a one-night taster cruise to Blackpool.

Dr BOYLE: I thought this little trip will give me a chance to think
about what to do. Besides, you have a more than qualified nurse on
board that will take care of most things. (Referring to Paris) I will
be making myself scarce most of the time unless urgently needed.

CAPT.: Where's the Head Chef?

BEN: Pardon Captain?

CAPT.: The Head Chef. He should be here.

BEN: (referring to clip board) You're right. Where is the Head Chef?

Dr BOYLE: That'll be my twin brother William. He got me the job on
board. He's feeling a bit seasick.

BEN: Seasick? The boat's not even moving yet!

CAPT.: Ship.

BEN: What?

CAPT.: The Ship's not even moving yet.

BEN: Yes, yes - that's what I said. (To Dr Boyle) Go and get him. I
can't believe this. A lottery winning doctor, with a Twin Brother Chef
who is seasick before we’ve even left port.

Dr BOYLE: But…

BEN: Get him.

Dr BOYLE: Yes sir.

Dr Boyle exits.

JACK: Not a good start is it sir?

BEN: Shut it Jack. Let’s carry on. (Refers to clipboard again)
Another new face. Nurse Paris is it?

PARIS: That's me. Paris Moll sir.

BEN: Paris Moll. That's an unusual name. Do you have a middle name?

PARIS: Yes sir.

BEN: Which is? If you don’t mind me asking.

PARIS: No, I don’t mind you asking at all sir.

They stare at each other, both expecting the other to speak.

BEN: And your middle name is?

PARIS: Oh, yes sir. It’s Zeta.

BEN: Paris Zeta Moll.

PARIS: You’ve got it sir.

BEN: I’ll just call you Paris. Virgin cruise?

PARIS: I beg your pardon?

BEN: First time on board.

PARIS: Oh no sir. I’ve been on lots of cruise ships as a nurse, but
this is my first job with this cruise company.

BEN: Well according to my notes here, you’re more than qualified to
look after the passengers.

JACK: I bet she is.

BEN: Final warning Jack. You’ve already got a yellow card.

JACK: Sorry Ben. Sir.

PARIS: I would just like to say to all our fellow passengers that I
hope you have a healthy journey, but if you are feeling unwell in any
way, come and see me and I am sure I can get you feeling better in no
time.

BEN: I bet you can. (As an aside) Thank you Paris. Now then. Allow me
to introduce you to the 2 people that head up our Entertainments Team.
Caroliner Moon our entertainments manager and assistant Poppy Field.
The Happy Wanderer prides itself in top class entertainment with world
class acts. What have we got in store this week Caroliner?

CAROLINER: Well, we're still putting finishing touches on some of the
entertainment.

CAPT.: What do you mean finishing touches? You should be well
rehearsed, up and running and ready to go by now.

CAROLINER: Yes well, as you know, we've had a few recruitment issues,
but everything's under control isn't it Poppy?

POPPY: Well it would be if you’d sorted out the acting agency
properly.

CAROLINER: Excuse me. You can't lay that one on me. You were supposed
to make all the final arrangements. I gave you the job to do and you
screwed up.

BEN: Ladies, ladies. I'm sure we can sort this out. Do we have an
entertainments program? Yes or No?

BOTH: Yes/No. (One saying Yes, the other No)

BOTH: No/Yes. (One saying No, the other Yes)

CAPT.: I don't believe this.

BEN: Look I'm sure everything will be right on the night. We need to
pull together. We are the Happy Wanderer remember. (Goes into the son)
I love to go a wandering... yes well. (Looking at watch) Where's that
Head Chef? Time's getting on here. Now then Who's left?

PENNY: Penny Sir. Penny Farthing. Bursar.

BEN: Yes, well you would be I suppose.

PENNY: If any of the passengers need any foreign currency exchanging,
then please come and see me for a competitive rate.

POPPY: But we're only going to Blackpool.
PENNY: (to Poppy) I know that. I'm just saying. (To Passengers) I also
make up the bills at the end of your cruise and arrange to take your
payment.

BEN: Very Good, thank you.

PENNY: And if you require any cash to go ashore, I can arrange that as
well. Saves time trying to find a cash machine.

POPPY: (making the point) But we're only going to Blackpool.

PENNY: I know - I'm just saying.

Chef Willy Boyle enters and joins the line-up. It is obvious it is the
same actor with a change of clothing.

BEN: Yes, well thank you ladies. Ah, there you are. Glad you could
join us. Feeling better, are we?

CHEF BOYLE: A bit better thanks.

BEN: So, the lottery winning Doctor Boyle is your twin Brother.

CHEF BOYLE: Correct.

BEN: Congratulations. A life changing amount of money.

CHEF BOYLE: For him maybe. I don't expect to see a penny out of it.

BEN: Yes well, Ladies & Gentlemen allow me to introduce you to our
Head Chef Mr Boyle.

CHEF BOYLE: But you can call me Chef Willy.

JACK: Why?

CHEF BOYLE: I beg your pardon.

JACK: Why do we call you Chef Willy?

CHEF BOYLE: Because that’s my name young man. William Boyle, but my
friends call me Willy, or Chef Willy.

JACK: So, we have a new Chef called Willy Boyle and his twin brother,
the new Doctor, called Lance Boyle. Unbelievable.

CAPT.: Can we move things along Ben. Time is getting on.

BEN: Yes of course. (Approaches Chef Willy with clipboard) Now then,
here is the latest food consignment that I took delivery of earlier.
Extra meat stuff you ordered. Just needs your signature. I checked it
all.

CHEF BOYLE: (signs with his left hand) No problem - there you go.

BEN: Good - well you had better go and get some rest. We need you fit
and well as soon as possible. You are dismissed.

CHEF BOYLE: (starts to exit) Thank you.

BEN: Oh and tell your Twin Brother the Doctor that I want to see him
again. Straight away.

CHEF BOYLE: (looking a bit uncomfortable at the thought) What, you
mean straight away?

BEN: Yes, straight away. Now. You heard what the Captain said. We need
to keep things moving. We have a schedule to keep.

CHEF BOYLE: Yes, I know but….

BEN: Now Chef if you don’t mind. And be quick about it.

CHEF BOYLE: Ok, Ok. (Looks to the passengers, shrugging his
shoulders)

Chef Boyle exits.

BEN: Ok you lot. You are dismissed and get on with your duties, except
you Caroliner and Poppy. I think the Captain will probably need to see
you.

All exit except Caroliner & Poppy. They go to join the Captain & Ben.

CAPT.: Now then, I need you both to re-assure Ben & myself that the
entertainment is all organised for tonight.

CAROLINER: Well it would be if smarty pants here had done as I asked
and checked that the agency had secured enough people for us.

POPPY: Don't try and pin that on me. You knew we were struggling to
get the team together, yet you did nothing to help sort it.

CAROLINER: I gave you clear instructions what to do. It just shows
that you're not cut out for this job.

POPPY: You're not getting away with this. It's not my fault. Let's
face it Caroliner you can't cut it anymore. You should be put out to
pasture with the other old hags on this ship.

CAROLINER: (squaring up face to face with poppy) Why you little...

POPPY: You don't scare me. The Living Dead maybe.

BEN: Now then Ladies, that's enough. Am I to believe we have no
entertainments program for tonight?

BOTH: Yes - and it's her fault.

CAPT.: Right, enough of this. I’m making an executive decision. It's
about time we had a younger fresher approach to our entertainments
team so I have decided with immediate effect Poppy here will be
entertainments manager.

CAROLINER: Hang on a minute Captain. You can't do that to me. I'm
under contract to head up the team for this cruise.

CAPT.: Well it looks like to me you've made a mess of it already and
you can’t control your own staff. You can help the sound people.

CAROLINER: You've got to be joking. I'm not going anywhere near that
lot. They're as useless as a chocolate fireguard. I'd rather watch
paint dry.

OFF-STAGE: Oy you. I heard that.

CAPT.: Then watch paint dry you shall. That’s just the type of
attitude we don’t want to see from our staff. Get out and stay out
of my sight.

CAROLINER: You’re not going to do this to me. I have my rights. I'll
talk to Head Office.

Caroliner storms off.

[End of Extract]