Mixed Singles by Scott Ravede
ACT ONE
Scene 1
LIGHTS UP:
FRANK and TED are sitting on a bench between two tennis courts
They are front stage with the tennis court behind them empty
(some white tape or duct tape on the floor can delineate the tennis
court, with an actual net in the middle or another piece of tape to
represent the net), while the tennis court in front of them is
imaginary, off stage in the audience. They have their towels and
tennis rackets in their laps, and are holding their water bottles,
which they occasionally drink from during their conversation. Their
heads turn side to side from time to time in response to the imaginary
match going on in front of them. Sounds effects of a tennis match are
being played in the background.
FRANK: Good match Ted.
TED: Good match? You beat me six love, six love! I couldn't have
won more than a handful of points.
FRANK: Ah, but your game is improving. That's what counts.
TED: All I know is I'm worn out, and you look like you've
barely broken a sweat. I don't think I could've played another
point. (He wipes his forehead with towel.)
FRANK: Stop hitting the balls right to me, and I won't be making
you run around so much.
TED: Easy for you to say. You're a pro. I can't just place the
ball anywhere I want to like you can.
FRANK: Come to one of my clinics then. We'll get you hitting with
pinpoint accuracy before you know it.
TED: No thanks. I'd feel a bit out of my element.
FRANK: What's the matter? Don't think you could compete?
TED: Against one of those little old ladies? Get real.
FRANK: C'mon Ted. There are some younger players there too, you
know.
TED: (Sarcastically.) Oh yeah, that's right. I think I saw one or
two young babes who looked like they might only be in their early
sixties.
FRANK: You'd be surprised at how much energy some of them have.
The paint may be peeling but the engine is still revving.
TED: Sure. And how many of those revved up engines have gotten your
motor going?
FRANK: (Laughs.) Give me another 40 years and we'll see. For now
though, I think I'll be staying away from older women. Still got
that bad taste in my mouth from my ex, if you know what I mean.
TED: I didn't know Theresa was older than you.
FRANK: She didn't want anyone to know. Vanity or some crap like
that. I'm sure there were a lot of things about my ex-wife you
didn't know. Full of secrets - that one. Thanks to her my motor's
going to be staying in the garage for a while.
TED: Did she break your pistons?
FRANK: (Snaps his towel at TED.)
Not on your life. They're ready and rearing to go. The problem is
there's no time to get out, if you can believe that little bit of
irony, considering I only took this job because of Theresa's nagging
to spend more time with her.
TED: I always thought of the life of a tennis-pro as being nice and
cushy.
FRANK: It actually was, when I started here. Back then, I was only
working half-days. Then, all of a sudden, it was like the whole world
discovered the country club had tennis courts. Everyone wanted to
play. So now, between all the clinics, private lessons, and stringing
and fixing rackets, I'm here day and night. If I had known it were
going to be like this, I would've stayed in real estate.
TED: Well, why don't you go back then?
FRANK: Just waiting for the right opportunity to come along, Ted.
As soon as it does, you can bet your brand new Nikes, I'll be off
this court faster than you can hit a ball into the net.
TED: (Offended.) Hey! You said my game was improving. Besides,
you're a free man now, so be nice to us slaves. Tell me Frank,
(Takes a swig from water bottle he is holding.) what's the divorced
life like anyway?
FRANK: I wouldn't know. Like I said I've had no time to find
out.
TED: Any regrets?
FRANK: Heck no. There was no pleasing that woman. I make tons of
money in real estate, but she complains I'm away all the time; she
wants me to take her out more, blah, blah, blah. So I quit my job,
make less money, and I get cursed out for kyboshing her fancy
lifestyle. I never would have believed she had a mouth like that.
It's funny how women can change so much after you marry them.
TED: It's too bad you're not Jewish, Frank.
FRANK: (Perplexed.) What? What does that have to do with anything
about anything?
TED: Well, you know I'm in the floral business right?
FRANK: Hey Ted, did you get hit on the head too hard with a tennis
ball, or are you going anywhere with these random statements?
TED: Okay, all I'm getting at is this: We made a rather large
delivery today at the Lake Buena Vista Hilton. Besides the usual
wedding, there's some major singles event going on there
something to do with The Greater Orlando Jewish Community Center.
Looks like it's going to be quite the party. Probably a great
opportunity to meet someoneif you were Jewish.
FRANK: Well, I'm not; so what's the point of bringing it up?
TED: Geez, Frank, you don't have to bite my head off. I was just
mentioning it.
FRANK: (Thinks for a moment while looking off in the distance.)
You know what, Ted? That may not be such a bad idea after all.
TED: (Stares at FRANK for a few seconds before speaking.)
You're not seriously thinking of going to this thing, are you?
FRANK: Sometimes you have to think outside the tennis court, Ted.
It's a winning strategy.
TED: I don't follow you.
FRANK: The problem with my ex was that she didn't appreciate hard
work. What better place to find someone who not only can appreciate it
but expects it, than at a party where every woman is Jewish?
TED: Maybe Frank, but I don't see how you're
FRANK: (Ignores him.) It's perfect, Ted! Exactly what I need. I
guarantee you I'll find someone more compatible for me, and classy
to boot. I don't know why I didn't think of this before.
(Starts to get up to gather his things.)
TED: (Puts a hand on FRANK'S shoulder pulling him back down to
sit on the bench.)
Look, Frank, I hate to bust your strings, but you can't go to
this party. There's this little matter of your religion
FRANK: What of it?
TED: What of it? Unless you're planning on converting in the next
few hours, you can't go.
FRANK: Ease up for a moment, Ted. It's not like I've ever been
very religious or anything.
TED: I know that. But being an unobservant Christian doesn't make
you Jewish.
FRANK: No, but believe me, I'm sure there are plenty of Jewish
people who aren't very religious either.
TED: True. But I doubt any of them think they're any less Jewish
because they're not in temple every Saturday. Else, why would they
bother going to a Jewish,
(Emphasizes the word "Jewish," while making quotation mark motions
with his fingers.)
in particular, singles party, versus any other?
FRANK: I don't know. What's the difference?
TED: The difference is, is that you're not Jewish. Don't waste
your time with this crazy idea.
FRANK: (Thoughtful.) You know, I've heard some people say that I
look Jewish.
TED: (Sarcastically.) Great. So you can pass for a Jew. You know
nothing about the religion, but you won't get thrown out of a Bar
Mitzvah. Congratulations.
FRANK: All I'm saying, Ted, is that I think I can pull this thing
off.
TED: I'm sure you can. I'm just saying you should think about
this a little. I mean, to right off the bat start off a relationship
with a lie-
FRANK: That's rather harsh, don't you think?
(TED shakes his head.)
FRANK: Anyway, you know I'm a resourceful guy. I should have
plenty of time to work things out later. But right now, I can't
worry about all these trivialities, Ted. I've got to get ready. What
time did you say this soiree is starting?
(TED mutters something under his breath, as they BOTH get up
carrying their towels and tennis rackets and EXIT LEFT.)
End of Scene 1
ACT ONE
Scene 2
LIGHTS UP: SHANNON is working on a tattoo of a Star of David on back
of CAROL'S neck at her tattoo parlor. CAROL is sitting in a
barbershop type chair with her neck bent forward a bit so SHANNON can
work on it. SHANNON is standing behind her holding a tattoo gun in one
hand.
CAROL: (Squirms in her chair as SHANNON touches back of her neck
with tattoo needle.)
OOOOEEEE! Every time you touch my neck with that damn needle it
sends shivers up my spine. Never knew my neck was so sensitive. Are
you almost done I hope?
SHANNON: Putting the finishing touches on right now. You know
I've done lots of stars in my life, but never this elaborate. Most
people only want simple five-pointed stars.
CAROL: It's supposed to be a fancy Star of David actually, you
know, the Jewish star.
SHANNON: I didn't know you were Jewish.
CAROL: I'm not.
SHANNON: Just pretending then?
CAROL: Not me, it's my mother-in-law.
SHANNON: What's that? Your mother-in-law is pretending to be
Jewish?
CAROL: I meant I got the IDEA from my mother-in-law. She IS Jewish,
and she's got this candleholder with that star in the middle. I've
always admired it and I thought it would be cool to have as a tattoo.
It's unique, don't you think?
SHANNON: Nothing like it. How is your mother-in-law, by the way?
You get along with her? Mine was just as big a jerk as my ex, always
blaming me for everything that went wrong, like it were my fault her
big brute of a son was always breaking everything in the house with
all his little temper tantrums.
CAROL: Mine is just the opposite. She's really pretty cool. Not
your typical mother-in-law, I guess. We've actually been getting
together a lot more lately since Joe, her husband, died last year. I
had to put my foot down, though, when she asked me to go with her
tonight to some singles dance or party or whatever it is.
SHANNON: Wait a minute. She asked you to go with her to a singles
party? The woman who's married to her son? That's kind of creepy.
CAROL: She just wanted someone along for the ride. Probably a
little nervous from not having been on the dating scene for so long.
Of course, I wouldn't be going to pick up guys. I'm happily
married; remember? Hey - how about you? Any luck on replacing old Sam
the Screamer, the husband from hell?
SHANNON: Zilch. You know, Carol, it's times like these that make
me wish I had become a nun.
CAROL: You? A nun? C'mon, don't make me laugh Shannon. You've
just had a run of bad luck, is all.
SHANNON: (Sighs.) Hell, I don't know. Maybe I'm just being
overly careful or paranoid or God knows what. All those years with Sam
losing his cool at the drop of a hat, and then going on his rampages
breaking everything in sight, did more than just physical damage. I
think my head's all screwed up too. Every time I meet a guy, it
seems like I'm just waiting for him to say the wrong thing or get
the least bit irritated or angry
CAROL: After everything you've been through I'm not surprised.
Anyway, there's nothing wrong with being a perfectionist. All guys
are jerks in one way or another, so what can you do?
SHANNON: Problem for me is I don't know any classy people.
Don't get me wrong, I love my job and all, but the guys who come in
here are not exactly brain surgeons you know what I mean? You
don't know how lucky you are, Carol, to have such a great marriage.
CAROL: (Snickers.) Oh, yeah. It's really great having to pick up
half-used paper towels all day because Carl the penny-pincher can't
bear to throw anything out. "I might use them again," he says.
Does he? No, they just lay there all day.
SHANNON: Nitpicking. All I hear is nitpicking. Count your blessings
Carol. I would love to have your problems.
(She raises up the needle and pauses the tattooing for a moment.)
Say - what about this singles thingamajig your mother-in-law is
going to? Maybe I should check it out.
CAROL: I don't think you'd be interested Shannon.
SHANNON: No? Why not?
CAROL: Well, for one, it's for Jewish singles. Something to do
with the Greater Orlando Jewish Community Center, I think is what my
mother-in-law said. And anyway, it's all the way down in Lake Buena
Vista.
SHANNON: So? A 45-minute ride; I don't mind the drive.
CAROL: Okay, fine. What about the fact that you're not Jewish?
SHANNON: Who's gonna know? You think Jewish people carry around
ID cards to prove their Jewishness?
CAROL: (Thinks for a moment.) No, I suppose not.
SHANNON: You know, Carol, the more I think about it, the more I
like it. A whole crowd of high-class guys, probably a whole lot of
professionals, doctors, lawyers, bankers, who knows? Not like the bums
I'm used to meeting.
CAROL: You think just cause they're Jewish, they're all going
to be decent hard working guys?
SHANNON: Well, look at your husband. He's a pretty decent, hard
working guy, isn't he? And he's only half-Jewish.
CAROL: That's right. But how do you know which half is
responsible?
SHANNON: Just playing the odds, Carol, playing the odds. Couldn't
do any worse than my ex, now, could I? After all, you ever hear of any
Jewish wife-abusers?
CAROL: Well, Iwellstill, what if you do meet someone and get
into a relationship and he finds out you're not Jewish?
SHANNON: I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
(Laughs.)
I could always convert right?
(Removes and lifts up the tattoo gun from CAROL'S neck with a
flourish.)
Not a moment too soon! Your star is done. Now, fill me in on the
details of this singles party tonight. I think I'm going to close up
early today, and do some shopping. I really need a new dress. Want to
come?
(CAROL nods, gets up, and they BOTH walk out to EXIT RIGHT.)
End of Scene 2
[end of extract]