Marry My Ex Dot Com by Bobby Williams


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ACT I

Scene 1

Lights up Down Stage Left on BRIAN sitting in a
Lawyers office, he is crumpled down, distraught. He
looks at a document in shock. His soon to be ex-wife
JANE sits next to the LAWYER.

BRIAN
This can't be right! Twenty five hundred a month?

LAWYER
The Dissomaster never lies Mister West.

BRIAN
Disco what?
JANE
Dissomaster! She's said it three times already Brian.
BRIAN
Sorry. I guess my hearing was affected by the numbness
in my wallet!
JANE
You wanted this divorce.
BRIAN
You know we married too young and just grew apart. It
happens.
LAWYER
Let's try to keep this civil. You asked me to be your
mediator and this is counterproductive.

BRIAN
Okay, fine.
LAWYER
Jane doesn't work and with your income you'll find
this is fair and she still has your child to raise. Now
about the house
BRIAN
It's her parents' house, she should live there with
Jordyn.
LAWYER
And the seventeen thousand in credit card debt?
JANE
Oh that's his.
BRIAN
What the hell do you mean that's mine? You put most of the
crap on there!
JANE
I don't work! How am I supposed to pay it?
LAWYER
She's right. A judge would definitely see it that way.
JANE
You can keep your Fidelity IRA and I'll take the Schwab
IRA.
BRIAN
(shaking his head)
Whatever, fine. Just tell me where to sign.

Lights out Down Stage Left

Scene 2

Lights up Center Stage Casual Cafe. JOE and Brian
are sitting at a table, looking at menus.

JOE
You have to pay that much? That sucks.

BRIAN
I know right?

JOE
Cheaper to keep her.

BRIAN
No. It's better for her too. Thing is, I can't even
afford my own apartment. I'm going to rent a room.

JOE
You know I'd ask you to stay at my place, but we just have
a studio.

BRIAN
I know Joe.

JOE
How is Jordyn taking all this?

BRIAN
I guess alright. She probably saw it coming. Enough about
me, how are you man?

JOE
Great, but Evas' on this weird thing lately. She's got
this bucket list of public places we have to have sex.
Crazy. It freaks me out every time.

BRIAN
What the hell?

JOE
Monday night was a metro train. That was tricky.

BRIAN
No one saw you?

(Joe shakes his head, mortified)

JOE
No, thank God.

(EVA enters from Upstage Right in a Postal
Workers Uniform carrying a bag of books and
a laptop)
EVA
Hi honey.
(kisses Joe)

JOE
Hey babe, Brian was just telling me about how the
lawyer ripped him a new one.

(EVA goes over to Brian and scratches his back with her long well
manicured finger nails)

EVA
Aw! Poor baby. I'm sorry Brian.

JOE
I thought we talked about the no finger nail back
scratching thing?

EVA
(sits between Joe and Brian)
What?
JOE
You know that drives guys crazy. No flirting!

BRIAN
It's alright. My mind is in a fog, I didn't even notice.
You working at the Post Office now?

EVA
No. I got this at a thrift store. Cute huh?

BRIAN
Why?

EVA
Me and Joe have an appointment in the mail room tomorrow!

(she gives Joe a sultry glare. A hot
WAITRESS stops by the table).

WAITRESS
Can I take your order?

BRIAN
I'll have the nachos and cheese appetizer.

JOE
You're just getting an appetizer?

BRIAN
All I can afford.

JOE
Two cheeseburger platters. Babe, you want your usual?
(Eva nods)
And a barbeque chicken salad half size.

(Waitress writes it down, leaves)

BRIAN
Thanks man. I owe you.

JOE
Forget it.

EVA
Where are you staying Brian?

BRIAN
I'm getting a room to rent. I'm going over there in a few
to meet the guy with Jordyn.

EVA
I think we need to get you a girlfriend.

JOE
Yes! Good idea honey!

BRIAN
No, not a good idea honey.

JOE
Come on, you need to get back on that horse bro!

BRIAN
You mean the dead horse that just kicked me? No thanks.

EVA
It will be the best thing for you!

BRIAN
You guys kidding me? I don't have any money to date!

JOE
What kind of attitude is that? That won't go well on a
date. Think positive, confident!

(Eva opens up her laptop and starts
typing away.)

EVA
Let's set you up an account on a dating website! My
girlfriend Pamela at work is on this one called Soulmate
Dot Com. I'd set you up with her but she's too
high maintenance and you don't have a house; living in a
room for rent, well, that wouldn't go over.

BRIAN
(starts to get up, exasperated)
Okay that's it, I'm leaving.

(Eva grabs him, makes him sit)

EVA
Sit! I'll set you up a profile. Message me a picture of
yourself for your head shot.

(Brian stares at her)

JOE
Better do it man, trust me.

(a beat; Brian gets his cell phone
and goes through it; sends a picture)

EVA
That's the spirit!

BRIAN
How's the writing going Eva?

EVA
Great! I'm almost done my second draft and
my literary agent says this may be the one that gets me
over the top! It's called 'Ditch the Dork'.

BRIAN
Ditch the Dork?
EVA
It's very empowering for women in toxic relationships.
Talking about empowering
(looks at Joe)
We have to figure out what's going on with your performance
issues honey. Last night on the metro, what happened?

JOE
This isn't cool to talk about now babe.

BRIAN
I can leave.

EVA
No! Stay. Joe, you need to open up and free yourself from
these chains that are binding your open sexuality.

JOE
What?

EVA
Your hangups.

JOE
I don't have hangups.
EVA
Then what happened?

JOE
I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE SEX IN PUBLIC OK!

BRIAN
Easy.

EVA
See. That's a hangup.

JOE
It's not a hangup! Look, I love you but this is too
much. It's embarrassing. Besides, you said you'd
go back to the SIPP meetings.

EVA
I hate those meetings.

BRIAN
SIPP?
JOE
Sex In Public Places. It's a twelve step program for
people addicted to well - it's self explanatory.

EVA
You're trying to clip my wings.

JOE
No babe. I'm just trying to figure out how we can
compromise. Remember step four?

(Eva crosses her arms, shakes her
head defiantly)

Yes you do brat. Skip SIPP, PDA's okay.

EVA
That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

JOE
But it's a compromise honey.

(the Waitress brings the order. Eva puts
away the laptop and the Waitress puts the
food down then leaves. Brian, Joe and Eva
pick at their food; uncomfortable silence)

JOE (CONT'D)
I'm sorry honey. We can do the mail room thingy.

EVA
Yea! Love you honey! And I promise I will try to
go back to the meetings.
(pushes her salad aside, reopens her
laptop, back to typing away)
Okay, it's all set up!
(Eva points to the screen)
Here's your username and password.
(Brian looks at the screen, shrugs)
Get your butt out there! These websites work.

JOE
(looks at Brian, has an epiphany)
Websites? Hold on! I got it! I know what to do!
What do you have in that Fidelity IRA from your divorce?

BRIAN
About thirty k, why?

JOE
And how long do you have to pay her alimony?

BRIAN
Indefinitely. We were married sixteen years so no end in
sight.

JOE
Unless?

BRIAN
Oh no! I'm not going to kill my ex!

JOE
No man, I didn't mean that if she gets married you don't
have to pay anymore right?

BRIAN
Fat chance. She's too demanding. No one would marry her.
(a beat)
Why'd you ask about my IRA? I'm not touching that the
penalties and taxes would kill me.

JOE
Wait, check it out how much do you pay her a month?

BRIAN
Twelve hundred alimony, thirteen hundred child support.

JOE
Twelve hundred alimony. So in a year you pay over fourteen
thousand right? In ten years that's over a hundred and
forty grand.

BRIAN
If you're trying to cheer me up, it isn't working.

JOE
I have the solution! You take out the IRA, who cares about
the penalty, and pay someone ten grand to marry your ex!

[end of extract]



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