Ladies and Gentlemen, Girls and Boys by Scott Peeler


This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author's PRIOR consent


ABIGAIL: I'm sick of the sexism and the double standards. God! Just
the other day, I was walking through the parking lot at Whole Foods
and some guy, a complete stranger, he had the gall to approach me and
say, "You'd be so much prettier if you smiled more."


SALLY: How did you respond to that?

ABIGAIL: I swallowed my rage, and explained that what he said was
extremely sexist, and that it played into very old stereotypes about

SALLY: He was lucky it was you he insulted. I would have punched him
in the face.

MARTHA: You know, a few months ago, I was in San Francisco with my
husband. We were walking from the BART station to the Opera House to
see Madame Butterfly. We were crossing Larkin Street and this woman
said, "Excuse me, ma'am? You dropped your smile!"

SALLY: "You dropped your smile?" Seriously?

ABIGAIL: She had some nerve.

MARTHA: I'm so sick and tired of being told to smile. My aunts
always chided me about that.

ABIGAIL: I blame Mary Tyler Moore. Now we're all expected to turn
the world on with a smile.

MARTHA: No one expects a man to smile. No one tells a man he should
smile more. Men are serious. They have important things to do. And we
don't?! Why does society still expect us to be gracious hostesses?

From "No Homo"

SHEMP: (Walking by) Hey, Larry. Welcome to Team Bravo. Glad to have
you aboard.

LARRY: Thanks, Shemp. I'm looking forward to working with the team.

Shemp gives him a thumbs-up, then exits.

MOE: (To Larry) You are such an ass hat.

LARRY: Why? What did I do?

MOE: First of all, this guy is new. He's fresh out of school. And
he's kissing management ass, and who the fuck does he think he is?

What's your background, anyway?

LARRY: Studied literature, philosophy, logic. Poetry. Economics.

MOE: My God, you are such a pussy.

LARRY: Jesus, Moe. I like you, but stop with the insults. You know, I
really just don't get you straight guys. Why do you all end up being
such jerks?

MOE: You don't get it, do you, shit-for-brains?


MOE: Haven't you figured it out yet?

LARRY: What? What haven't I figured out?

MOE: (Sighs.) Oh, come on!

LARRY: Is this some guy thing where everyone's supposed to
understand it, but nothing has actually been said? You know, I'm
sick of the unexplained expectations, the secret codes. What is it
with you straight guys? What are you all hiding? Why is it that
everything you guys do seems to be happening behind a wall? I mean,
what is it? I don't get it.

MOE: Didn't you have any brothers?

LARRY: No, I didn't.

MOE: Oh. Then of course you wouldn't understand.

From "Avalon Sisters"

Seventy: How was your massage, dear?

Fifty: Heaven! I'm glad I chose a male technician. They're never
afraid to apply a little extra pressure, to go a little deeper. I find
the pain to be therapeutic. The females are too gentle for me.

Forty: Can I ask if either of you got any excursions in today?

Fifty: I rode the zipline above Descanso bay. I've never done a
zipline before. That was a rush and a half.

Seventy: I took the backstage tour of the Avalon casino. My God, what
a gorgeous building. I love art deco. That ballroom So much
history. I could just envision the big band, the couples on the floor,
the cigarette smoke It's like I'd stepped out of a time

FIFTY: Isn't that place supposed to be haunted?

Forty: We rented a golf cart and putt-putted around the island. We
really got to know the terrain. It was lots of fun. You should try

Fifty: Oh, yes. We should do that tomorrow, Mom.

Forty: (Her wine glass empty) I think I'll switch to the white. (She
walks to the table and the young man refills her glass. She returns to
her chaise, sips, and grimaces.)

Seventy: How's the wine?

Forty: Erm. Not sure I recognize the label.

Fifty: Manischewitz? Franzia? Boone's Farm? What's the varietal?
Is it a varietal?

Forty: According to the young man, it's a "foom."

Fifty: I'm sorry. A what?

Forty: (Laughing) He said it's a "foom."

Fifty: (Cackling) Oh my God, that's hysterical. I'll have to ask
for some. "Could I please have a glass of the foom blank?"

Seventy: Pardon her. We're from the Bay Area, so that automatically
makes us wine snobs. We're not, really. But we do have access to
lots of wines.

Forty: I'm from Philadelphia. Not many wineries, but we've got a
bunch of breweries there, and an interesting thing is happening. New
local ordinances are allowing breweries to convert to distilleries, so
they're developing artisanal whiskies and gins.

Thirty: (Piping up out of nowhere) I'm from Philadelphia, too. What
part of Philly are you from?

Forty: Wash West. Do you know it?

Thirty: I know Wash West. I went to Bryn Mawr.

Forty: Oh, yes? What did you study?

Thirty: Suicide. Specifically, I analyzed data about childhood

Fifty: Well, that just brought the conversation down a notch or seven.

[end of extract]


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