It's All On The NHS by David Challenger

This Play is the copyright of the Author and may not be performed, copied or sold without the Author's prior consent

ACT I

Scene 1

The setting is a doctor's waiting room. Time is present. Onstage
are Pam and Jack. There are four chairs arranged in two rows opposite
each other diagonally across the stage facing fs. Pam is sat in the
front chair nearest centre stage left. She is a widow in her sixties
and dressed smartly. She has a book which she keeps looking at. The
chair at the side of her is empty. Jack is sat in the second chair in
the row opposite to Pam. Jack is in his fifties and is dressed
casually in a track suit and trainers. He has a walking stick. He
keeps wincing in pain from a "bad back". Around the room are
various medical notices and posters. To the rear of the stage is a
small table upon which are various well worn magazines. To stage right
is a door which is the entrance to the waiting room. To stage left is
a door above which is the clock. On the door is a sign which reads
"Doctor's Consulting Room".

Dennis enters from stage right, checks his watch and looks up at the
clock which has stopped at 9.30. He is in his sixties and is smartly
dressed in jacket and trousers, a shirt and tie. He has the demeanour
of a retired civil servant. He turns to Jack

Dennis: Have you been waiting long to see the doctor

Jack: No, not really by the way has Neil Armstrong landed on the
moon yet?

Dennis ignores this remark and turns to Pam

Dennis: Are you the only two waiting?

Pam: No there's Marje as well

Dennis looks around but can't see anyone else

Dennis: So where is she?

Pam: She's just had to nip to the ladies. She couldn't wait any
longer, I'm saving her place for her.

Dennis: Is that allowed then?

Jack: Look mate if you want to argue the toss with Marje about her
place in the queue, on your head be it! She's been a regular here
for the past ten years. She even gets a personal Xmas card from the
doctor.

Dennis: But I have an appointment and by my reckoning

He looks at his watch

It should be about now!

Jack: Is this your first time here then?

Dennis: Yes it is as a matter of fact. Why?

Jack: Because the doctor is in a different time zone to the rest of
us. He asks me every week what the time is so he can work out how long
before his next appointment! You've more chance of buying a winning
lottery ticket than you have of seeing him on time never mind having
an appointment. I gave up six months ago.

Dennis turns to Pam for confirmation.

Dennis: Is that true?

Pam: Yes he's telling the truth. To be honest if I was really ill,
I'd go down to the hospital. At least you'll get seen the same
day.

Dennis: That's preposterous! Whatever's happened to the NHS? It
never used to be like this!

There is a pause in the conversation before Jack turns to Dennis

Jack: Do you know what NHS stands for?

Dennis: Yes I do why?

Dennis waits for Jack's next quip. Jack starts to laugh.

It stands for "No more Health Service"

Jack laughs at his joke. Dennis looks bemused.

Dennis: That's NMHU isn't it?

Jack: No, it's a play on words; N stands for "No more". Get
it?

Dennis looks at Jack confused

Pam: I don't think I do either.

Jack looks exasperated

Jack: Well it's like this I said NHS stands for "Mo more
Health Service" It's simple really

He picks up his paper

I thought it was funny anyway.

Marje rushes on from stage right and sits down next to Pam.

Marje: That was a close call. Another few seconds and I wouldn't
have made it. Anyway where were we?

Jack: I was just explaining what NHS stands for

Marje: National Health Service, Jack.

Jack: No, it stands forNo more

Pam quickly interrupts him

Pam: It's all right; I'll explain your little joke later.

She turns to Marje

He wants to explain a little joke he made while you were out and
you really don't want to hear it, believe me.

She glances at Jack

It wasn't that funny anyway.

Jack: I thought it was.

Jack shrugs his shoulders takes his daily racing paper out of his
pocket and starts to read it. Dennis stands up and wanders around
looking at the various posters. Pam turns to Marje

Pam: Anyway before you had to err attend to your call of nature,
we were just about to discuss Birthday presents weren't we?

Marje: Oh yes, so we were. My Albert never remembered Birthdays, not
even mine. "Who wants to be reminded you're getting older" he
used to say. He only remembered our anniversary because it was the day
Red Rum won the Grand National and he had ten pounds on him. He
telephoned me from outside the bookies and said he would treat me out
of his winnings. Do you know what he bought me?

Pam: Something personal?

Marje: He bought me something personal alright he bought me some
seamed stockings he knew I'd always wanted some for special
occasions. I was really looking forward to him coming home and
surprising me

She pauses and smiles at the memory

Pure silk they were, he bought them in the market, on his way home
after the Grand National he was probably drunk, it was the only way
he would have been brave enough to buy anything like that. It was
quite romantic of him to think of me, in his moment of glory, I
thought…

She starts to laugh

He brought home this little package and insisted that I open it.
Inside was a pair of stockings. He insisted that I try them on for
size. As I pulled the first stocking up it laddered. I checked the box
and discovered they were factory rejects. He looked so disappointed
and offered to take them back. I told him not to worry. "If Red Rum
runs next year, you can buy me another pair". He smiled then fell
asleep in his armchair.

She turns to Pam

Did Charlie ever buy you anything romantic?

Pam breaks into a smile at the memory

Pam: Yes he did once it was a lovely surprise. I'll never forget
it as long as I live.

Doreen turns to her excitedly

Marje: What did he buy you, some flowers? Or was it your favourite
perfume? Was it something really romantic? Something you really
wanted?

Pam pauses before replying

Beryl: Yes, I suppose it was when I think about it

Marje is intrigued

Marje: Well what was it?

There is a pause before Pam answers matter of factly

Pam: A set of paint brushes.
Marje is astonished and shouts out loudly

Marje: Paint brushes!! He bought you bloody paint brushes?!

Pam: (softly) Yes, God bless him he bought me a new set of paint
brushes

Marje: I wouldn't have found paint brushes very romantic, I can
tell you! I'd have probably told him to put them where the sun
doesn't shine. What's romantic about paint brushes?

Pam turns to her laughing

Pam: Nothing really. It's just that I'd always wanted some
genuine horse hair paint brushes and Charlie knew I wanted to
decorate, so he went round all the decorating shops to find me some. I
couldn't wait to paint with them. I did the lounge first.
Marje: Did he buy you the overalls to go with the paint brushes?

Pam: No, I used to paint in my underwear.

They all react

My Charlie always appreciated my decorating, said I used a paint
brush like Picasso.

Jack: Wasn't he the one who just used to splash the paint all over
and call it art?

Dennis: No that was Pollock.

Pam: I beg your pardon! What did you say!

Jack sniggers

Dennis: I said Pollock as in Jackson Pollock, the famous artist, the
one whose paintings looked like he'd thrown paint at a canvas and
called it art.

Pam: Oh, I see, that's all right then, it's just I thought
you'd said something rude.

Marje gets hysterical

Marje: You painted in your underwear!

Pam is quite matter of fact about it. Dennis and Jack show an
interest.

Pam: Yes I did, so I didn't get paint on my clothes. Charlie always
used to insist that I bought expensive clothes, he always liked me to
look nice for him and so I didn't want to ruin them with paint.
Anyway I was in the privacy of my own home so it didn't matter what
I had on.

Marje: And Charlie used to watch you?

Pam: Sometimes. It always depended what was on the TV at the time,
he wouldn't miss his favourite programmes for anything, not even if
the house caught fire, never mind me in my underwear painting.
Marje: I would never have thought it of you; no wonder Charlie let
you do all the painting.

She starts to laugh

I've heard of paint stripping but never stripping to paint

There is a pause in the conversation, before Beryl turns to Doreen

Pam: Hasn't Albert bought you anything since the silk stockings
then?

Marje: No. But I have given him the occasional hint. He said that he
was too old to be queuing up in Marks and Spencer's to buy me
support tights, cheeky beggar! He used to bring us a piece of fresh
fish each from the fish stall in the market on a Friday every now and
then. But the fishmonger short changed him once and he never went
back. "Bloody robber" he said. "That's the last of my hard
earned money he'll take!"

Dennis is getting tired of this. He stands up and glances up at the
clock, then checks his watch, looks up at the clock again, shrugs his
shoulders and starts to pace about.

Dennis: I had an appointment for 10 O'clock you know. This is quite
out of order, I could be dying! Does anyone happen to know why he's
late? Does anyone?

They all ignore him

Jack: He's probably calling on one of his private patients first.
Money talks you know.

He laughs

If he charges by the hour he could be there all day.

Pam: Perhaps he's stuck in traffic. It is Monday after all, or
maybe he's just overslept.

Dennis: Overslept! I've made the effort to be here on time and
you're telling me the doctor's overslept!

Pam: It was only a suggestion I didn't mean that I knew he had
if you see what I mean.

Dennis looks at her with disdain before glancing at the clock

Dennis: How long has that clock not worked? No wonder he's
overslept if he's relying on a clock like that!

Marje: That clock stopped about three years ago if my memory
serves me right and the doctor is always late on a Monday. I don't
know about the rest of the week because I only come here on Mondays.
Dennis: So he only sleeps in on a Monday then, the rest of the week
he's punctual?

Dennis turns to Marje

You come here every Monday?

Marje: Without fail, unless I'm poorly then I stay at home.

Dennis reacts

Dennis: But isn't the point of coming to the doctors when you're
ill?

Marje: Oh no, not here. If I was really ill I'd go down to the
hospital. I come here to keep warm and save my heating bill at
homeand catch up with the latest gossip.

She looks around the waiting room

Although there's not the usual lot in today, mind you it's a nice
day outside. Last week it was raining and a crowd of market traders in
to shelter from the rain and get warm. One of the women had brought a
flask of tea and some plastic cups and we had a right old
gossipnearly three hours we were here. I almost missed my
appointment with the Chiropodist.

Dennis: It sounds more like a community centre than a doctor's
surgery!?

Marje: It's a mixture of both really, especially on a Monday.

Dennis: The doctor didn't turn up last Monday then?

Marje: Oh yes he did eventually. It must have been nearly dinner
time, I was too engrossed in the conversation to be bothered to see
him, so I made my usual appointment for this week instead. It wasn't
urgent anyway.

Pam: I really enjoyed last week, especially Joyce. I don't know
where she gets all her gossip from.

She turns to Dennis

It was better than watching Coronation Street.

Dennis: Are you not really ill either?

Pam: Oh yes, I'm always ill. Sometimes it's a sore throat and
other times I feel a bit chesty. I can always think of something wrong
with me to see the doctor. I'd never miss my Monday appointment.
It's the highlight of my week!

Dennis turns to Jack

Dennis: And you? Are you ill or are you a member of the surgery
social club?

Jack: No, I'm a genuine patient. I come every week to get signed
off.

He winces and places his hand on his lower back.

Bad back… from an industrial accident. The doctor can't find a
cure for it. He's tried everything, injections, tablets, Physio, but
nothing works. I'm one of life's medical mysteries

Dennis: Really. How did you injure your back then?

Jack is just about to answer when Marje interjects

Marje: Laying patios wasn't it Jack?

Jack smiles sheepishly. Dennis looks surprised.

Laying patios when he was claiming disability for loss of memory,
after he was concussed falling off the church roof trying to remove
the lead.

Jack tries to laugh it off

Jack: She's having a little joke.

Marje: No I'm not, it's the truth.

[end of extract]

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