Ezra and Evil by David Christner

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This Play is the copyright of the Author and may not be performed, copied or sold without the Author's prior consent

CAST OF CHARACTERS (9 male, 5 female)

EZRA CASEY An innocent 17-year-old man-child.
MARIKO CASEY Ezra's Japanese mother, 38.
DOC CASEY Ezra's grandfather, 78 or so.
SILAS CASEY Ezra's stepfather &uncle. About 40.
ROSEABETH Ezra's 18-year-old steady girlfriend.
PREACHER Roseabeth's father, a man of God.
MAGNUS RATTER The town constable and undertaker.
JASON CLAY The town bully; Ezra's nemesis.
FONDA PETERS Ezra's classmate; a dazzling blonde.
PHIL VANDAVER A classmate; an MD's son.
OGDEN BURGATROID A classmate; a jock.
HILDA FARTOK The school and church secretary.
FRANCIS YEAGER A store owner in town.
ALAN PERKINS A friend from a neighboring town.

The Setting

A small town in southwestern Oklahoma. Action takes place on a
modular set constructed around an elevated room at the base of a
towering church steeple. Lights illuminate the portion of the set in
use. An actress seated at an old upright piano and playing old
familiar hymns is highlighted during transitions from scene to scene.

The Time
The fifties, a time when we were all a lot less sophisticated.

ACT I, SCENE IV

LIGHTS COME UP on the PIANO where HILDA begins playing Church in the
Wildwood. After the first stanza, LIGHTS COME UP ON EZRA in the
STEEPLE and the music fades.)

EZRA: The maturity thing really had me baffled after my conversation
with Doc. I was dead certain that hair, in spite of what Doc told me,
had something to do with gittin' mature. My good friend Phil
Vandaver, a doctor's son, had this book about kids it—Coming of Age
in Samoa. It was written by a woman who been there and watched 'em,
so she knew exactly how they did. Over there, in Samoa, they git the
thing over with in a single night. They take all the kids that have
hair in all the right places and throw 'em in a pit with some
coconuts, palm leaves, breadfruit, and a blessing and leave 'em
overnight. In the morning the kids all come climbin' up outta the
pit, but they aren't kids anymore. The adults, mature, fully
maturated and highly satisfied to boot. And I doubt whether they give
a hang about understandin' Moby Dick or not.

(LIGHTS BEGINS TO FADE on EZRA and COME UP on SILAS, sitting on the
back porch of a modest home. He is scratching something in a Big
Chief Tablet. After a moment, Ezra at age 13 moves into the scene.)

SILAS (easily): Hello there, Son. What have you been up to?
EZRA: Oh, I been thinkin' mostly.

SILAS: Not about that preacher's daughter I hope.

EZRA: Roseabeth?

SILAS: The other one. Fonda.

EZRA: No sir. Neither. Been thinkin' 'bout . . . gittin' mature.

SILAS: You can git all you want down at the feed lot.

EZRA: Not manure! Mature!

SILAS: Oh, like Victor.

EZRA (confused) : Huh?

SILAS: Victor Mature! The guy that played Samson opposite Hedy
Lamar in the movie, Samson and Delilah.

EZRA: Victor Mature played the part of Samson?

SILAS: Did a heck of a job too. Had a fuller head of hair than Hedy
had. Until she took up barberin' of course. She hacked it all off
and left him weak as a kitten. Then those blasted Philistines blinded
him on top of that.

EZRA: That's 'cause he got all weak and immature when they cut
off his hair.

SILAS: Son, what the hell you talkin' about?

EZRA: I think I got the notion of it kinda screwed up in my mind.

Maybe—maybe you could explain it to me.

SILAS: Maturity?

EZRA: Yes sir.

SILAS: Fact is, it's not all that easy to explain. It's not even
the kinda thing you can tell someone anyhow; it's somethin' you have
to git for yourself, and when you do git it, believe me, you'll know.

EZRA: You mean it has somethin' to do with Zen?

SILAS: No, believe me, Zen's got nothin' whatsoever to do with it.

EZRA: Well, where do I go to git it, and how will I know whether I
got it or not?

SILAS: Actually, it's more a case of it gittin' you. And it does,
you'll know it.

EZRA: Then it is like Zen!

SILAS: No, it ain't nothin' like Zen! It's more like—like fruit
ripenin', an apple say. You know how it is, they start out as a bud,
then—

EZRA: Oh no, don't even start with the apple story, Silas. Doc
already tried that on me, and I still didn't git it.

SILAS (reflectively): I didn't either, at the time. (A beat.) You
know, if he'd told me that story with peaches, I think it might have
made more sense.

EZRA: Yeah, me too. 'Least peaches got a little fuzz.

SILAS: Ezra, do you know what a—a metamorphosis is?

EZRA: A what?

SILAS: I didn't reckon you did. (A beat.) Well, a metamorphosis,
you see, is a . . . process of change from one thing into another.
It's what happens to a caterpillar as it changes into a beautiful
butterfly. (A beat.) Now, the exact same thing is happenin' to you
at this very moment.

EZRA (doubtfully): It is? (A beat.) I have been feelin' kinda
strange.

SILAS: I don't mean to say that you are going to change into a
butterfly! You didn't think that, did you?

EZRA: 'Course not!

SILAS: Okay, so don't misunderstand me. But what's happenin' to you
is the same thing that happens to the butterfly. A change, you see,
is takin' place inside your body.

EZRA: Is—is this what you call a—a—change of life?

SILAS: Now where'd you hear 'bout that?

EZRA: Locker room.

SILAS: I thought so. Well, this is a change of life, yeah, but it's
not that change of life. The difference here being that when you
finish this—metamorphosis I was tellin' you about, you'll be able to
have a baby. And when you finish the other, you won't, if you went
through the other, which you don't.

(Ezra is totally bewildered by all this.)

SILAS: Ezra, again, now don't git confused. You, personally, won't
be able to have a baby; women—females—have babies—

EZRA: After they've gone through the change of life!

SILAS: No . . . before.

EZRA: Oh. (A beat.) But didn't you jist say—

SILAS: Never mind that. What I'm tryin' to tell you now . . . is
that when you're mature, have completed your metamorphosis, you'll be
able to make girls—females—have babies.

EZRA: I don't wanna make anybody do anything!

SILAS: Well, you will!

EZRA: Bet I don't.

SILAS: Ezra, there's somethin' here that you jist don't understand.

EZRA: Well, explain it to me for cryin' out loud!

SILAS: I'm tryin'! (A few beats.) Remember last spring when that
Holstein of Joe Levy's was calvin'?

EZRA: Is that what she was doin'?

SILAS: That's what you call what she was doin'.

EZRA: Yes sir, I recall that.

SILAS: Well, what'd you think of that?

EZRA (thinks, then): It was kinda disgustin' actually. But I was
real curious 'bout it.

SILAS: Were you now? How's that?

EZRA: Well, I was curious 'bout . . . 'bout how fast that calf was
goin' when he hit.

(Silas stares at the boy incredulously, then suddenly burst in a fit
of wild laughter.)

SILAS: How—how fast he was goin' when he hit!? Great God Almighty,
Son! Where'd you ever git a notion like that? How fast he was goin'
when he hit! You mean you thought that calf ran up that—(Stops
suddenly and takes a huge gulp of air.) Goddamn, Ez, are you
serious?

EZRA (woodenly): How did that calf git in there?

SILAS: Well, sir, now that's a very interesting story.

EZRA: I love a good story.

SILAS: I know you do. (A beat.) What'd you think: One fine
mornin' Miss Cow wakes up, blinks at the morning sun, and there
standin' right next to her is a new calf?

EZRA: : I didn't know what to think. I jist acted like I knew what
was goin' on at Joe's 'cause I didn't want to look like an idiot.

SILAS (putting his arm around Ezra): Now, Son, surely you must of
heard somethin' about . . . sex in school. Don't you boys talk about
it in the locker room?

EZRA: Well . . . sure we do, but . . . what's sex got to do with
cows?

SILAS: What cows have got to do with sex, Ezra, is how the little
calf gits into the mother cow. Okay?

EZRA: Okay.

SILAS: Okay. So . . . did you ever notice that cows, that is
bulls—male cows, cattle—have testicles?

EZRA: Huh?

SILAS: Testicles! Bulls have testicles.

EZRA: Where? I never saw 'em.

SILAS (lowers his voice): They keep 'em in a bag—the—the . . .
scrotum.

EZRA: In a bag! What good are they in a bag? Can't catch nothin'
with 'em in a bag, that's for sure.

SILAS: Now, what are you talkin' about? You can't catch anything
with testicles anyhow!

EZRA: 'Course not, if you keep 'em in a bag. But boy those
octopuses can sure catch stuff with 'em.

SILAS: Octopuses? Octopuses! Son, those are tentacles, not
testicles. I'm talkin' about . . . balls!

EZRA: Balls! Well, why didn't you say so? I know bulls got balls.

SILAS: The scientific name is testicles—testes. Okay?

EZRA: You don't havta git technical.

SILAS: Sorry . . . so, all male cattle have testicles . . . no, I
take that back, jist bulls.

EZRA: Aren't all male cows bulls?

SILAS: Well, yeah, to begin with, but in some cases, bulls have their
testicles . . . removed, and that makes 'em what we call steers.

EZRA (enthusiastically): I know all 'bout that. Some bulls have
been . . . circumcised, right. Jist like I was . . . or somethin'
like that.

SILAS: No, Ezra, that's somethin' completely different. Bulls don't
need to be circumcised.

EZRA: But people do?

SILAS: Some, yeah.

EZRA: Why jist some? Why not everybody?

SILAS: Because . . . because of their religious beliefs.

EZRA: 'Cause of their religious beliefs? Poo! Why, they did it
to me when I was a baby; I didn't have any religious beliefs.

SILAS: No, no, Son, you don't understand. It's your parents'
religious beliefs. It's a religious rite.

EZRA: Sounds like a religious wrong to me. You mean to tell me that
Buddists and Humanists believe in circumcision?

SILAS: That's not what I mean!

EZRA: Then why was I circumcised?

SILAS: Probably because you were delivered by a Jewish doctor.

EZRA: Delivered! I was delivered to San Francisco?

SILAS: Jesus! Son, you are drivin' me right square out of my mind.

EZRA: Preacher says that Jesus—delivered us from evil, from . . .
the den of iniquity. Do Jewish doctors do that too, deliver us from
evil through the religious rite of circumcision? (Silas just shakes
his head incredulously.) Jesus was Jewish, right? And a doctor too,
'cause he went around healin' all the sick people all the time and
deliverin' 'em from evil. So maybe he did a few circumcisions on
the side, huh? Huh?

SILAS: Ezra, I'm tryin' my best to explain to you as best I can how
the calf got in the cow, and you're tellin' me that Jesus was a Jewish
doctor who went around deliverin' people from the den of iniquity and
performin' circumcisions.

EZRA: It's jist a theory.

SILAS: Yeah, well that's just what Mr. Einstein said about
relativity. Let's jist forget Jesus for the time bein' and
concentrate on how the calf got into mother cow, okay? (EZRA: nods.)
So . . . we were talkin' about bulls—

EZRA: Balls!

SILAS: Right . . . bulls balls. And we established the fact that you
are aware of the fact that bulls do, in fact, have balls.

EZRA: Yes sir. The technical name is testicles. We did establish
that fact.

SILAS: Well, good, because that's where the calf is . . . more or
less, in the bull's testicles—balls.

EZRA (confused): Not the calf I saw. Wouldn't fit.

SILAS: Hang on there, Ezra. I'm not through. The whole thing isn't
in there, you see.

EZRA: No?

SILAS: No.

EZRA: How much is?

SILAS: Half.

EZRA: Half?

SILAS: : Not exactly a whole half, you see. Most of the other half
is in the mother cow.

EZRA: Other half?

SILAS: That is to say that the egg is in the mother cow.

EZRA: The egg! I'm not stupid, Silas. Cows don't have eggs. Birds
got eggs, and—and—alligators, and chickens, but not cows! That's
the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of. Now I want the truth!
(Silas suddenly storms off the porch.)

EZRA: Hey, Si, wait a minute. It's okay if cows got eggs. I believe
you; I jist never saw one. Where—where do they lay 'em? Si, Si!
Who's gonna tell me this stuff? How will I ever git mature unless
someone tells me how to do it?

(The back door swings open suddenly and Silas tosses a dictionary
out.)

SILAS: Look it up.

(Ezra begins thumbing through the dictionary, then stops and reads
aloud.)

EZRA (reading): Mature: Having undergone maturation. (Thinks,
then.) That's real helpful. (Thumbs through the book again and
reads.) Maturation: (1) The last level of differentiation of
tissues, organs, or cells. (2) The process in which diploid gonocytes
are transmogrified into haploid gametes that includes meiosis and
physiological and structural changes fitting the gamete for its final
role in development. (3) The process of becoming mature. (Thinks,
then.) Hey, Silas!

SILAS (off): What!

EZRA: Was . . . Victor Mature?

SILAS: Shut up!

END OF SCENE

[end of extract]

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