Everywoman by Nicole Fair & Jules Carey
This Play is the copyright of the Author and may not be performed, copied or sold without the Author's prior consent
Because there are so many character changes in this exciting and
challenging one act the costumes are pre-set on a hangar at the back
of the stage. Costume changes all take place on stage! HC's
ethereality is portrayed by a pair of angel's wings.
A woman is sneaking into a dark room where the only bright thing is a
computer screen with a cell phone plugged into it. Her higher/inner
consciousness taps her on the shoulder. WOMAN 1 has an airheaded
quality about her. HC = Higher Consciousness.
HC: (hiding behind the couch, watching WOMAN 1) What are you
doing?
WOMAN 1 (reeling around in shock, half-whispering): What do you
think I'm doin'? Checkin' his email, text, AND Facebook.
HC: Why?
WOMAN 1: Look, every woman does it. There aint no shame in it.
It's protectin' your tings, that's all.
HC: Your tings? You've suspected those other women long time.
WOMAN 1: Yeh, but I was the first. That coke bottle shape, that
tushy. I was the one!
HC: Some one! Then there was two, three
WOMAN 1: Do you have any idea how insecure you sound?
HC: What, for holding the truth up to your face?
WOMAN 1 still looking at texts and emails so this should be spoken in
a distracted voice
WOMAN 1: Well, I used to just ignore it but I've decided to get
more proactive. Got it down to a fine art. 3 minutes in, out, zip,
zap, just call me techno-babe! (Looking at HC for approval)
HC: Hm-hum.
WOMAN 1: Men can be, easily tempted, and so I'm just protectin'
him from doing anything that he doesn't really want to do. He knows
I'm sneaking behind his back to do this; it's one of those
unspoken agreements.
HC: So, what other unspoken agreements are there
might I ask?
WOMAN 1: Well, there's the I pick up your socks if you service my
body agreement;, the foundation of any successful marriage and
there's the I know you fantasize about other women and it's fine,
as long as it stays in the fantasy world.
HC: Wait, don't you fantasize too?
WOMAN 1: Uh, nope. My mind is as pure and clean as the new driven
snow!
HC: Remember who you're talking to now?
WOMAN 1: Right. Well there was that entomologist. I never thought
I'd be into a guy who liked and studied bugs for a living, but he
was that sexy. We really got into role play. I'm a beetle, you're
a beetle a variation of the ole doctor/nurse fantasy.
HC: Yep, I remember, I'm the praying mantis, you're the
WOMAN 1: Guy who gets his head bitten off. (She roars)
Cut to Therapist/Client scene WOMAN 1 and THERAPIST getting high
together in Therapist's office. HC Therapist changes while Woman 1
is speaking; she lights up a joint and passes it to Woman 1.
WOMAN 1 : Ella, her name is Ella. Doc, she's the beginning of the
end. She's constantly calling, texting and emailing. I need to
find a way to stop this before I end up killing someone.
THERAPIST: Right.
WOMAN 1: Wow. Where'd you get this stuff?
THERAPIST: Prescription quality.
WOMAN 1: It's amazing. It doesn't exactly fit in with my Weight
Watcher plans, though.
THERAPIST: Hmmm?
WOMAN 1: The munchies are gonna kill me.
THERAPIST: Well, I thought, it was warranted just this once to get
everything out on the table. It's my secret weapon gets all the
issues out; saves money and time. No pussy-footin' around once the
weed takes effect. Anyway, why are you doin' Weight Watchers?
WOMAN 1: Obviously it's not for the diet. it's for the contacts.
There's a certain kind of woman who's attracted to it
career-minded women. Women who are makin' changes out there, real
changes.
THERAPIST: So, while you're makin' changes and not mindin'
your man, he's makin' mischief. Is that the deal?
WOMAN 1: Seems that way.
.......
Cut to scene in a room in a retirement home. CINDERELLA and SLEEPING
BEAUTY become two old women, RUTH AND WINIFRED. While they are
changing the ANNOUNCER speaks her lines. These can be recorded or
another actor can say them from backstage.
ANNOUNCER (from backstage): Anyone interested in watching Elvis
Presley's Blue Hawaii, please come to the common room. Don't
forget that this afternoon is our annual Hawaiian Hula night. Awards
for best dancer, best costume, and best bikini. Just joking about the
bikini.
RUTH: Oh my.The sex was sooo good Winifred. After my Charlie
died, I never thought I'd want sex again. Then that gorgeous hunk
Robert moved into room 36. We did things, well, we did things I've
never dreamed of.
WINIFRED: I'm so glad Ruthie. And your bladder didn't release
did it?
RUTH: He let me keep my "Depends" on so even if I did have an
accident, it would be ok.
WINIFRED: Now that's a gentleman. I can barely remember what sex
feels like. I haven't had it since the early 80's. I'm
probably rusted up and closed over from years of neglect.
RUTH: A little lubing will take care of that dear. Robert brought
out some liquid called "durex" and I opened up like the red sea.
It should do the trick for you too. And. I've just discovered
the clitoris!!
WINIFRED: What's the clitoris Ruth?
RUTH: Well, it's all a little complicated, but basically it's a
button that you can push to have an orgasm.
WINIFRED: What's that?
RUTH: Winnie, do you mean to tell me you're 86 years old and
you've never had an orgasm.
WINIFRED: Oh yes, I remember reading about one in a magazine. It's
a drink. Oh darling, you know what Dr. Max says about mixing alcohol
with our medications. He says, he says, well I forget what he says but
I know we shouldn't do it.
RUTH: It's not a drink Winnie, it's as close to heaven as we're
going to get on earth. (both look up to heaven at the same time)
WINIFRED and RUTH change into sisters MEL and SAM
The phone starts ringing as they slip off their old lady bathrobes and
metamorphose into sisters.
[end of extract]
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