Enter the Princess by Daniel Curzon & Lady Mallet

This Play is the copyright of the Author, and may not be performed, copied or sold without the Author's prior consent

ENTER THE PRINCESS by Daniel Curzon and Lady Mallet

CHARACTERS:

At least ten (10) with doubling, up to as many as twenty-five (25)

THE PRINCESS: Based on Margaret Rose of England,with liberties, a rather short, thin woman, brunette, pretty, feisty. The part can be played by a woman of perhaps 30 who can manage the range from 21 to 71 as a tour deforce. Or possibly one woman could play her in Acts I and II up to age 48 and an older woman can play her in Act III

THE ROMANTIC INTERESTS:

CAPTAIN PETER TOWNSEND, tall, suave, older than the Princess, an equerry

ANTONY, small, animated photographer; later husband of the Princess as Lord Snowdon

RODDY, considerably younger boyish boyfriend of the Princess, sweet, playful

PRIVATE SECRETARY: A man who incorporates several real-life jack-of-all-trades for the Princess

THE QUEEN: Similar build to the Princess, four years older, more solemn and stodgy

(If necessary, the Queen and Prince Philip can be portrayed by large puppets, two puppeteers, and a separate actor for each voice.)

(These six main characters should each be played realistically, always by the same actor. They can double in other roles if absolutely necessary and if well disguised.)

OTHERS: Ladies-in-Waiting, Servants, Officials, a Famous Person, Gossips, Hangers-on, the Press, Crowds, Assistants, Private Detective, members of the Royal Family, and all other minor characters (assign each role as appropriate).

SETTING: (1952-2002)

Two main sets, as elaborate as the budget will allow, or minimalist, merely suggesting the location. The set is PRIVATE, including indoor rooms in various residences.

The other set is PUBLIC, including anything such as platforms from which the Princess views events, on the street, etc. Some indication of the year of the action might be good but is not essential.

ACT I, Scene 1

PRIV. SEC. (to audience) I'm afraid the Princess was sometimes late.

PRIN (offstage) I am not bloody late! They're all bloody early!

(The Crowd reacts to the swearing of the Princess, some shocked, some amused.)

PRIN (still offstage) Oh, hell! Put the damn thing on me! Here! Not there! Let me do it. I am not too short. I just need a taller tiara!

(The Princess hurries into the room, sees the others, is mildly disconcerted. She is twenty-one, petite, fetching, and impeccably dressed for a formal occasion.)

PRIN Oh, there you all are! I've been looking everywhere for you. I thought the ceremony was in the saloon.

PRIV. SEC. No, ma'am. It's where it was last time. Here.

(The Private Secretary is handsome, tall, enforcer of protocol but usually amused by the Princess.)

PRIN No need to pull such a long face. I'm here, aren't I?

(She adjusts her tiara, which is a bit askew. A Lady-in-Waiting comes over to assist her.)

LADY #1 No, ma'am, if I may . . . (Reaches out.)

PRIN You may not. The tiara is fine! Let it be.

LADY #1 Yes, ma'am. (Moves back.)

PRIN Oh, don't start getting all hurt now. If you really want to adjust the tiara, then do so. (Poses for assistance.)

LADY #1 Yes, ma'am. Shall we go into . . . (Gestures offstage.)

PRIN Of course not! It's not as if I'm naked or something. They can look at my hair being 'touched' without scandal, I hope. PRESS #1 May we take a photograph now, Your Highness?

PRIN Your Royal Highness! In one moment. (to Lady-in-Waiting #1) Well?

LADY #1 I can't seem to get it perfect, ma'am.

PRIN Then no photographs. We can't have royalty looking askew, can we? It might upset the People no end. Is there nobody here who can fix a tiara?

(Everyone is unwilling to be so bold.)

QUEEN Perhaps my sister would like to retire to the next room in order to obtain the help she needs?

PRIN I tell you no. I think we should wear our tiaras crooked. We could say it's a tribute to the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Aren't we meeting the Italian ambassador?

PRIV. SEC. It's the German ambassador, ma'am.

PRIN Oh, poo! When you've met one ambassador you've met them all.

(Embarrassed silence in general, though not from the Princess.)

PRIV. SEC. Shall we begin the reception line for the ambassador? Since the king is not here tonight, we probably should -

PRIN Listen! I'm German too! I don't dislike Germans. I don't really feel like a Windsor anyway. I feel every inch of my Saxe-Coburg-Gotha heritage. See how it rolls off my tongue?

QUEEN My sister is such a pretty young thing, don't we all feel? (The QUEEN applauds the Princess. Others join in because prompted to. The QUEEN is four years older than the Princess, more dignified, stodgy.)

PRIN (basking in the applause) You're too kind, too kind.

LADY #2 She's on everyone's lips.

PRIN Am I? I'm a mere slip of a girl doing her duty to God and country along with her loving royal sister.

(Commotion offstage.)

PRIV. SEC. The German ambassador has arrived, ma'am.

PRIN Thank God!

(The assembly forms into a reception line as protocol dictates. The QUEEN is not yet the QUEEN, only a royal princess. She is next to her husband, Philip. Others take their

OFFICIAL positions, all very stiff.)

(The Princess is the last to get into position.)

PRIN I do wish it were the Japanese ambassador. I adore the Japanese. They're small. I feel so at home!

VOICE (offstage) May I present the Ambas- sador from the West German Republic, Baron Heinrich Haffer-Mussen!

BLACKOUT

PRIN (in the blackout) What do you mean 'inappropriate'! Acting like we have rods up our arses is more 'appropriate'?! ACT I, Scene 2 THE SAME ROOM, SAME TIME (The Princess and the other royals are being escorted from the room by the Private Secretary.)

(Two Ladies-in-Waiting separate from the assembly. They are as young as the Princess, loyal, attentive as well as sometimes scathing, at times giddy.)

LADY #3 Well, thank heaven that's over! He was so long-winded.

LADY #2 A bit, but I adored his beard. (about the Princess) Wasn't she superb?

LADY #3 Who?

LADY #2 The Princess.

LADY #3 Which one?

LADY #2 Margaret Rose. - 6 -

LADY #3 (looking around carefully so that no one else can hear) If you ask me, she was disgraceful. Coming in late again, her tiara a mess, whispering. What could she be thinking?

LADY #2 But she was so sprightly about it. I thought she was a darling, the very best thing about this whole ceremony.

LADY #3 You must be joking. If she doesn't watch herself, she'll be out of the palace door before she knows it. Much too indulged by her father and entirely too cavalier about everything, if you ask me.

LADY #2 O, Lord, not again! Back in your day . . .

LADY #3 Princesses were proper. Indeed they were. Not this modern contempt for tradition, let me tell you. That is how you knew you were in the presence of royalty. People acted royal!

LADY #2 Oh, don't give me that. Henry VIII came to court with food in his beard.

LADY #3 Don't believe everything you hear about them. When you are in the public eye, there is always calumny and down-right lies. But this Princess . . . I don't believe she is going to prosper, if she keeps this up. (Shakes head.)

LADY #2 On the contrary! She is single-handedly going to save the British royal house from their reputation as corgi-loving 'thicks'.

LADY # 3 Shame on you! If they could hear you!

LADY #2 Oh, they can't hear me. They're too full of their own loud wind. (The Private Secretary re-enters.) PRIV. SEC. Ladies, come , please! Have you heard?

LADY #3 What? PRIV. SEC. His Majesty the King.

LADY #2 What? PRIV. SEC. Has died. Quite unexpectedly, at Sandringham, after a day's shooting.

LADY #3 No! (There are sounds of distress among those present. Re-enter the Princess.) - 7 -

PRIN (to Private Secretary) Tell me you're wrong! He can't be dead. PRIV. SEC. I'm afraid it's true, ma'am.

PRIN It can't be! He was only fifty-six. (The Ladies-in-Waiting go to her, attend to her grief.)

PRIN Please, not Father! Please, God! How could you do this to him?! I hate you, hate you now, God, and I used to like you so much! (Others try to calm her down.)

LADY #1 Ma'am, ma'am, control yourself. Others will need your strength.

PRIN He didn't even say goodbye. I didn't get to say goodbye. PRIV. SEC. Each person has to go at his appointed time.

PRIN Oh, shut up! I don't want to hear your platitudes. PRIV. SEC. (stiffening) Ma'am.

PRIN It's true. You're so namby-pamby it makes my teeth ache. PRIV. SEC. (a stiff rod) Ma'am!

PRIN Am I not allowed to show my emotions when my own father dies? That's not right. That's not natural! PRIV. SEC. There's nothing natural about being royal, ma'am.

PRIN (crying) Papa! . . . Papa! I loved you so! You're the only one around here I love at all. Don't die. Don't die. (Sobs sincerely, passionately.) (Re-enter The QUEEN, quite cool.)

QUEEN We can hear you from the other room, Margaret. It's not seemly. Can you pull yourself together, or shall I send everyone away?

PRIN How long am I allowed to cry? What's the

OFFICIAL time limit thirteen seconds, three? None?

QUEEN Others are looking to us for strength. Do you have any strength, Margaret? . . . - 8 - Rise, please! (The Princess slowly gets up, straightens her back. Her tiara is crooked again.) Your tiara . . . Let me help you.

SECretary(Begins to help, but the Princess pulls away.)

PRIN Stop! Damn you! Damn the tiara! (quickly) You're The QUEEN now. Oh, my God!

QUEEN I'm still your sister.

PRIN No, I don't think you are. And you never will be again. (loudly) It's not right!

(Slow fade as all except the Princess freeze in place.)

ACT I, Scene 3

1954 A PLATFORM FOR VIEWING

(The Princess is up high attending a public function, in a hat and coat, looking out at the audience. There are Others present, notably the Private Secretary near the Princess and several overly proud

OFFICIALs a few steps away.)

PRIV. SEC. (to audience) At times I accompanied the Princess on her rounds of royal duties.

OFFICIAL #1 (pointing out to the Princess) Notice how efficient and yet attentive our bakers are.

PRIN They're utterly charming. OFFICIALPRIV. SEC. (aside to Princess) You're doing very well, ma'am.

PRIN I am not. I have to pee. PRIV. SEC. Didn't you wear your . . . ?

PRIN I had no idea it would last this long. PRIV. SEC. If you could manage for just a while longer.

PRIN Oh, I'll manage. My upper lip is so stiff I can balance a biscuit on it! PRIV. SEC. What does that mean exactly, ma'am? - 9 -

PRIN It made sense until it came out. How many biscuit factories do I have to visit today, for God's sake? I'm tired. PRIV. SEC. Just this one, ma'am.

OFFICIAL #1 (pointing out another detail with a gesture) See that, Your Royal Highness.

PRIN Oh, yes, most interesting. PRIV. SEC. (to

OFFICIAL #1) I believe you've been making biscuits here since 1854.

OFFICIAL #1 Actually, 1853. (Smiles.) And Biscuit Makers to the Crown since 1875!

PRIN (under her breath) And I haven't liked one of their bloody biscuits yet. PRIV. SEC. Then you must make a point of eating one at lunch.

PRIN I bloody well won't. (Smiles and waves to the bakers.) PRIV. SEC. You can make an effort. A bite or two. They'll be looking to see your reaction.

PRIN I have as much privacy as a goldfish in a bowl. But at least the goldfish gets to pee in the water. (Smiles.) PRIV. SEC. Royalty does not "pee," ma'am. They dispense favors. Decorum, decorum.

PRIN Oh, nobody heard me! Nobody ever hears me. PRIV. SEC. They hang on every word, every gesture.

PRIN Actually they hear what they think I should say. Last week, at the . . . other biscuit factory - PRIV. SEC. You mean the iron works?

PRIN Whatever it was. I did a test. One of the representatives of the place came up and bowed and said, "How lovely of you to come to see us." And I said, right to his face, "I'm not really Princess Margaret Rose," and he said, "Oh, thank you, ma'am!" - 10 - (

OFFICIAL #1 points out another aspect of the biscuit factory's operation below them.)

PRIN Oh, yes, I see. (aside to Private Secretary) So it doesn't matter what I say. PRIV. SEC. I wouldn't test that too far, ma'am. It might get out and be quoted in the press.

PRIN The press are toadies just like the rest of them. PRIV. SEC. Still, ma'am.

PRIN Let me prove it to you, right now. PRIV. SEC. Please, you needn't. I believe you.

PRIN I want to show you! (She beckons to

OFFICIAL #1.)

OFFICIAL #1 Do you have a question, Your Highness?

PRIN I do. I'm sure your lovely biscuits never come out wrong, but has anyone ever choked on one?

OFFICIAL #1 Let me think, ma'am. (Thinks too long.)

PRIN Yes?

OFFICIAL #1 I can't think of a single incident.

PRIN Well, I certainly hope I won't be the first!

OFFICIAL #1 Heaven forbid, ma'am!

PRIN Very bad for business. "Royal Princess Chokes to Death on Royal Biscuit."

OFFICIAL #1 It would ruin us.

PRIN Indeed it could.

OFFICIAL #1 We were planning to offer you several kinds at lunch, but perhaps

PRIN Oh, I promise to be extremely careful. I know I'll be tempted to gobble your biscuits. You'll just have to keep them away from me.

OFFICIAL #1 I'll do that, ma'am. I will.

PRIN I'll hold one up. I just won't eat it. - 11 -

OFFICIAL #1 Much better that way, ma'am, much better. I must say, I never before thought about what might happen if a royal person had a misfortune with a biscuit.

PRIN Perhaps we should move on to the wrapping department?

OFFICIAL #1 Of course. (OFFICIAL #1 hurries ahead, leading the way.)

PRIN (to Private Secretary) See. He didn't realize that I was twitting him in the slightest.

PRIV. SEC. Perhaps not. But you are playing with fire.

PRIN What's the use of being royal if you can't risk courage now and then?

PRIV. SEC. Some might consider you haughty, ma'am.

PRIN Me haughty? Haughty? I've never heard anything more ridiculous in my life!

PRIV. SEC. (deferring to let her go ahead) Shall I prepare a guillotine for you, Your Highness? (She laughs. They leave the platform as the lights dim.)

PRIN You try it out first. And be sure to let me know how it is.

ACT I, Scene 4

1955 CLARENCE HOUSE

(Silhouetted in semi-darkness the Princess is sitting on a settee, where she takes out a long, black cigarette holder, places a cigarette in it. She is alone, except for a Lady-in Waiting #2 far off to the side.)

PRIN (lighting up, groans with delight) Oh, it feels so good to be by myself for a moment!

(Hold this pose for a few moments. Lights up.)

LADY #2 I'm here, ma'am.

PRIN I haven't had a fag in hours. I think that word means something else in America. What - I'm not quite sure. (Blows smoke.)

LADY #2 I don't know, ma'am.

PRIN And it's good for me too. Kills the appetite. So it's easy to be picky about my food, like last night at the dinner for what's his name. I ate practically nothing myself, while Philip, Her majesty's so-called stud, consumed a zoo.

LADY #2 Oh, ma'am, be careful.

PRIN Is there nothing that man won't put in his mouth? If he doesn't watch himself, from Philip alone, the cow may become extinct! (Lady-in-Waiting #1 enters.)

PRIN (irritated) Oh, dear.

LADY #1 Is something the matter?

PRIN (ironically) Not now that you're here, Janey.

LADY #2 Would you like us to leave you alone?

PRIN No. With you two here, it's like being alone anyway. (The Ladies-in-Waiting wince or make a small noise.) Just teasing! I didn't mean it. (She holds out her hands to them.)

(They come over and take her hands.)

Watch the cigarette! You two are such silly gooses geese. You mustn't take me seriously. I'm bored, and when I'm bored I can say things I regret. Do say you forgive me?

LADY #1 It's not for us to forgive you, ma'am.

LADY #2 Ever.

PRIN Those are my good girls. Now tell me what are people saying about me?

LADY #1 (hesitantly) Nothing but compliments, ma'am.

PRIN Oh, come now. I know better than that. Word is out!

LADY #2 They say you're the jewel in the royal crown, ma'am.

PRIN Do they? And the brightest rose on the family bush?

LADY #1 That you're elegant and beautiful and everyone is eager to meet you and see you.

PRIN Oh, bother. - 13 -

LADY #2 (too gushy) And that you're glamour personified!

PRIN Although not yet married, isn't that correct? I'm all those things, but going on twenty-five and not 'dating appropriately.' Tongues are beginning to wag. I can feel the breeze in here.

LADY #1 You have plenty of time to get married, ma'am.

PRIN Her Majesty my sister would like to see me married off, I'll bet. Put a little more of the spotlight on her nibs, wouldn't it just?

LADY #2 I'm sure The QUEEN wants only the best for you.

PRIN She's a dear. (Pause.) I do hope Philip doesn't shoot her by mistake at Balmoral. (Laughs.)

LADY #2 (shocked) Ma'am!

PRIN You're correct. Enough of levity! It's time I found a husband. I think I would like a drink.

LADY #1 Yes, ma'am. . . . This early?

PRIN I'll decide what's early and what's not.

LADY #1 Yes, ma'am. (Goes for the whiskey.) Famous Grouse, as usual?

PRIN With Highland spring water and one ice cube. Yes, I really must put my attention on finding a husband. Any suggestions?

LADY #1 May I presume, ma'am?

PRIN Presume away! (LADY #2 gives her a glass of whiskey.) You call this a drink? Never mind. (Takes a swig.) Was it husbands we were discussing, or was it something important?

LADY #1 Binky Williams!

PRIN Insufferable man! He showed me his penis in Paris, or was it Prague? Insufferable penis.

LADY #1 He did what?!

PRIN Well, not actually! Just a tight bathing costume that left little to the imagination. Why are men so proud of their genitals? It seems to me there are many other things one could be prouder of like their art work or their gold fillings. So, no, Binky Williams won't do. He'd expect me to applaud his penis all the time. - 14 -

LADY #2 What about Colin Tennant?

PRIN What about him?

LADY # 2 He's to be Lord Glenconner one day

PRIN As a potential husband?

LADY #2 Why not?

PRIN The pervert? The proverbial pervert?

LADY #2 You don't really think so?

PRIN How shall I put this in my best Bo Peep manner? Colin and I had "relations" in Canada last year.

LADY #1 You didn't!

PRIN It got so cold in the Yukon, even Colin looked good to me. In bed he got all gushy and sentimental and said I was the girl for him. He started planning this big wedding at the Abbey, and I had to stop it right there. Colin, I said, I am not going to marry you. I like you more than that to inflict such a punishment on you!

LADY #2 What did he say to that?

PRIN I think he had already realized he'd said too much and was terribly grateful I'd let him off the hook. . . . You know how men are after they come.

LADY #1 You're not very romantic, ma'am.

PRIN I stopped being romantic the first time I saw a cock entering my vagina. (The Ladies-in-Waiting giggle, embarrassed.)

LADY #2 What about Billy Wallace?

PRIN The chinless wonder? Well, maybe he's chinless, but he's certainly no wonder.

LADY #1 I've got him! . . . Robin Douglas-Home!

PRIN He makes wonderful love, plays the piano exquisitely, but I fear he will wind up a suicide.

LADY #2 You're very hard on your men, Your Highness.

PRIN Oh, I know what they're saying about me. That I'm a nymphomaniac. But it's never been proven! (Laughs.) They even say I had sex with Stalin. I never had sex with Stalin. . . . All right, I dated Stalin, but I only let him, as the Americans say, get to first base. - 15 -

LADY #1 There are some in court who think that you . . . possibly . . . are seen in the company of socialites . . . a bit much.

PRIN A bit much? I'll tell you what's a bit much. Who are they to tell me, the third in line to the throne of England or am I the fourth now? that I'm seen with socialites too much!

LADY #1 They say it conveys a bad image of the royal family.

PRIN Oh, tosh! Is that what they're actually saying? The nerve! It doesn't mean I'm sleeping with all of them just because I have a few drinks and a few cigarettes and a few laughs! Amazing! People are so misled by appearances.

LADY #1 You more than most, ma'am, should know the power of symbolism.

PRIN I do know it, you impudent bitch!

LADY #1 I'm sorry, Ma'am. I didn't mean

PRIN How dare you both! I should never pick your brains if I'm not prepared for rubbish. Well, you tell them I'm not a nymphomaniac, or if I am, I'm a very bad one! Do you hear me?!

LADY #1 Yes, ma'am.

PRIN I am! Men are so simple. Suck their cocks, and they'll follow you anywhere. Oh, stop talking about it! (The Ladies-in-Waiting are shocked, nervous, and amused all at once.)

PRIN You two can marry who you want. Well, I can't. I suppose I'll wind up with some-body dreadful just to save my reputation. How dreary but royal!

LADY #2 Perhaps you have someone in mind, ma'am.

PRIN You sly fox. How did you guess? I do have my eye on someone, someone very special.

LADY #2 And may we ask who that might be?

PRIN Group

CAPTAIN . . . Anonymous.

LADY #2 But he's not royal!

LADY #1 And isn't he divorced?!

PRIN I can marry anyone I want! (The other two are afraid to contradict her.) I can! I'm Margaret Rose of York, heir apparent to the heir presumptive. (after a beat) Which means I'm a member of the - 16 - royal family of Great Britain, Northern Ireland, and the British dominions be-yond the seas, and bloody defenders of the faith!

LADY #2 But you'd become Mrs. Group

CAPTAIN . . . Anonymous!

LADY #1 You'd have to leave Clarence House.

PRIN I can manage anywhere.

LADY #2 In a military wife's bungalow?

PRIN It wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Some people take their charisma wherever they go.

LADY #2 But not their ladies-in-waiting, ma'am not to be disrespectful.

LADY #1 I would not push my luck in that area, ma'am.

PRIN No! Fame is like a delicate fruit . . .

LADY #1 In what way, Your Highness?

PRIN I don't know. It just is! Don't be impertinent!

LADY #1 I'm sorry, ma'am.

PRIN You should be. Get out of here, before I sack the both of you!

(The Ladies-in-Waiting curtsy and back out of the room.)

PRIN (to them, although they are gone) Damn your hides! You can't tell me I can't have my Group

CAPTAIN, you can't! If I want him, and he wants me, and he does, in the worst way, then I'll have him, by God, or know the reason why! . . . Oh, bother, bother, bother! I can't think of anything witty to say. So I'll just sit here and look stunning.

(She sits on the settee again, poses with her cigarette holder. Fade to semi-darkness.)

BLACKOUT

ACT I, Scene 5

1955 ANOTHER ROOM IN A PRIVATE HOME, LATER

(We hear party voices, sounds. The voices belong to Bright Young Things of café society: vain, gossipy, alcoholic, and rich.)

GUEST #1 Oh, yes you will, Boofey!

GUEST #2 You can't make me, and that's all there is too it!

GUEST #1 Tallulah, tell her she must. I will have that camisole.

GUEST #4 (in a different conversation) Have they run out of champagne? What kind of gin joint is this? (Laughs.) Oh, here's some!

GUEST #5 Tommy! Tommy! Come over here! You must hear the cleverest thing that Binky just said about Boofey! (Enter the Princess, to escape the offstage voices, but still listening.)

GUEST #6 You bring Binky over here! I'm not budging from this caviar! It's stupendous!

GUEST #5 Don't eat all that caviar! It'll make you as big as a walrus or something.

GUEST #3 Binky's already as big as a walrus. He shouldn't have any caviar at all. And no cake!

GUEST # 2 That's what you think! I'm going to eat myself sick.

GUEST # 5 Well, don't blame me if you can't get out of bed one morning.

GUEST # 2 Who gets out of bed in the morning?! Really, Billy, sometimes you can be so common! (Laughter.)

PRIN (sighs) (to herself) Oh, dear. . . . I really must get married, I think. Settle down.

GUEST #1 Stop it, Boofey!

GUEST #2 I won't!

GUEST #1 You will too, you wretch! You're spoiling the birthday party!

PRIN (to herself) Yes, it's time. Well past. . . . Well past.

(Slow fade on voices, laughter, which begin to repeat the lines of this scene.)

GUEST #1 Oh, yes you will, Boofey!

GUEST #2 You can't make me, and that's all there is to it!

(The Princess escapes.)

BLACKOUT

ACT I, Scene 6

1955 ROYAL BOX IN A THEATRE

(The Princess is at the ballet, wearing a fancy dress. With her is Group

CAPTAIN Anonymous, a tall, manly, reserved equerry with a horsy British face. Around them are Hangers-On , Ladies-in-Waiting talking among themselves, but also quietly observing and commenting on the two lovers.)

(It is just before the ballet is about to start.)

PRIN I'm so pleased you agreed to join me tonight, even though it's not your usual thing.

CAPTAIN For you, even a ballet.

PRIN All the more reason I'm flattered. But really you should get to know ballet better. It's one of my favourite things in the whole world.

CAPTAIN You'll have to teach me what you like about it.

PRIN The way they pose and jump, never sweating, or at least pretending they aren't.

CAPTAIN Sort of like royalty?

PRIN That's good! That's true, isn't it? How lovely to know someone who can teach one things.

CAPTAIN I'm happy that you think I can teach you anything.

PRIN Oh, pish! You taught me how to ride.

CAPTAIN I believe you were already quite accomplished before I appeared on the scene.

PRIN But you refined my riding skills.

CAPTAIN I hardly think - - 19 -

PRIN No, you did! Before you showed me how to sit properly, I was almost in pain on a saddle, especially afterward.

CAPTAIN Well, even if it's not true, thank you. And what's on the program tonight?

PRIN Le Corsaire. I picked it specially for you. It has all sorts of action, blustery and yet elegant. Sort of like your military itself, come to think of it.

CAPTAIN Is it? I can't wait. Although I don't think the military go leaping about all over the place.

PRIN But they do! The ballet and the military are exactly alike, except for the music.

CAPTAIN We have music. Brass bands.

PRIN Believe me, I know. I've had to listen to enough of them.

CAPTAIN You've had your fill of them, then?

PRIN Is that a leading question?

CAPTAIN Did it sound like that? I'm sorry.

PRIN No need to be sorry. I can be led, sometimes, depending on the leader.

CAPTAIN And where precisely would you like to be led, ma'am?

PRIN Do you know a good bridle path?

CAPTAIN . . . How do you spell that?

PRIN B . . . r . . . i . . . I forget how to spell the rest. I'm hopeless at spelling.

CAPTAIN Are you? There's so much I don't know about you, isn't there?

PRIN You thought you knew who I was, didn't you? But don't be like the rest of the world. There's a public me and there's a private me. And they are very different.

CAPTAIN If I didn't know you from out earlier associations, I too might believe the rumors.

PRIN When you're in the spotlight, there are rumors. Exaggerations. Patent lies.

CAPTAIN What do you suppose they're saying about us right now?

PRIN You can imagine. (Turns and waves to the Ladies-in-Waiting.)

CAPTAIN It's not as though we're really on a "date." - 20 -

PRIN You're just part of the party.

CAPTAIN Indeed.

PRIN And I didn't pick this seat for you to sit in.

CAPTAIN Which just happens to be next to yours.

PRIN Clearly not. It was all quite random.

CAPTAIN I suppose I should thank Heaven for my good fortune, shouldn't I?

PRIN Are you religious?

CAPTAIN Occasionally.

PRIN Me too! We have so much in common.

CAPTAIN We do seem to, don't we? Of course I'm so much older than you.

PRIN I'm very mature for my age. Very mature.

CAPTAIN I'm divorced, remember.

PRIN Dreadful woman.

CAPTAIN Dreadful woman?

PRIN Your wife. Ex-wife. She had to have been dreadful to have divorced you.

CAPTAIN She wasn't that bad. Nor was I. It's just that the two of us were no longer good together.

PRIN I like men who can put words together nicely. Nicely put.

CAPTAIN I like girls who like men like me.

PRIN I'd squeeze your hand, but everyone would notice. (All of her party look sharply at the Princess and the CAPTAIN.)

CAPTAIN (noticing them staring) I imagine that happens now and then when you're in the royal box.

PRIN Would you mind being in the royal box, besides tonight, I mean?

CAPTAIN Something tells me that if this were to go any further, we both wouldn't be in royal box for long.

PRIN Do you really think so? I think The Queen can be persuaded. Though it's maddening to even have to ask that stick-in-the-mud for permission! - 21 -

CAPTAIN To accept a divorced man into the royal family? (Shakes his head.) Never!

PRIN We could try!

CAPTAIN We're doomed from the start, like your uncle and Mrs. Simpson.

PRIN No! No! Times have changed. And I do so like you almost as much I used to like God when I was a little girl, I mean.

CAPTAIN And now you're a big girl, all grown up and sophisticated, with tiaras and a louche crowd she travels in.

PRIN Louche? I don't like the sound of that. What does "louche" mean exactly? It isn't nice.

CAPTAIN I thought it meant . . . worldly.

PRIN I guess I'm louche then. (Laughs.)

CAPTAIN Just how wicked would you say you are, ma'am?

PRIN You can see that I'm not nearly as wicked as "they" are beginning to say, can't you? Such Puritans! It's just drinking and smoking! Even the press is not respectful anymore. Now they can't wait to print the most horrible insinuations and libels. I wish I were half as wicked as they say I am. I'd be having more fun!

CAPTAIN If you say so, ma'am.

PRIN Oh, do call me Margaret once and for all. Let me just say this: (reciting) There was a little girl, Who had a little curl, Right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, She was very, very good

CAPTAIN And when she was bad she was . . . torrid?

PRIN Oh, that's naughty! I love it. Torrid, not horrid.

CAPTAIN Of course you're not horrid. I've known you long enough to know how utterly charming you are.

PRIN "Can be charming" would be more accurate. Now I want you to get the "group" that you're the so-called

CAPTAIN of and get all those vicious paparazzi, as they've called now. Mow down every single one of them. Promise?

CAPTAIN You have but to ask.

PRIN Now I shall never have to worry about those leeches sucking my blood ever again, shall I? And we will be the perfect couple forever and ever. - 22 -

CAPTAIN On the other hand, I suppose I could start being louche, for the right woman.

PRIN Indeed, you need the right woman. Not like that dreadful harridan you married.

CAPTAIN Ma'am, Margaret, she really wasn't like that. May I ask you not to speak of her that way? (He waits to see if the Princess will explode.)

PRIN Oh, I'm sorry I'm sure. "Dreadfully" sorry. I shan't speak again.

CAPTAIN I beg your forgiveness. I have no right to be cross with you. It's not my place.

PRIN Precisely! I haven't had a nanny for years!

CAPTAIN Perhaps we should examine the program.

PRIN Of course I also like it when you're not afraid of me. You aren't, are you?

CAPTAIN How could I be afraid of anyone so fundamentally good?

PRIN Well, I'm not Bo Peep! Nor an angel either.

CAPTAIN To tell the truth, it's not easy knowing what I can and what I can't say to you.

PRIN You're hardly the only one. Don't worry. I'll tell you what to say and what not.

CAPTAIN Perhaps that's too uncomfortable, for both of us.

PRIN Perhaps so! Look! The lights are dimming. Le Corsaire is about to envelope us.

CAPTAIN I can't wait

PRIN If you fall asleep, at least don't snore! (The

CAPTAIN takes the Princess's hand, lifts it, kisses it. She squeezes back.)

CAPTAIN (as the lights dim) Darling Margaret. VOICES Did you see that? Did he kiss her hand? He did more than that! He kissed her breast! I saw him grab her nipple. I predict by the interval one or the other will be in someone's lap!

BLACKOUT

ACT I, Scene 7

1955 A BEDROOM IN CLARENCE HOUSE

(The room is totally dark. The Princess and the Captain are in bed together.)

PRIN (after a moment) Did you like that?

CAPTAIN Marvelous.

PRIN Would you like some more?

CAPTAIN One can have too much of a good thing.

PRIN Oh, don't come yet! I hate it when men get all breathy and squiggly and serious and I'm not part of it.

CAPTAIN I'll do my dutiful best.

PRIN I must say your best is quite nice. (She is feeling him up, although we can't see anything.) Do you find me attractive, without all the trappings, I mean?

CAPTAIN Of course, my little Margaret Rose.

PRIN Just Margaret. I hate the Rose. . . . It was a silly question. How can I ever be seen without my trappings?

CAPTAIN In the dark perhaps? (A night light is turned on.)

PRIN Wouldn't it be awful if someone found us here?

CAPTAIN It's time they got used to us, the idea of us as a couple.

PRIN They won't find us, of course. I've sent everybody away for the weekend. How shocked they'd be to find you in my bed!

CAPTAIN I believe you're enjoying this.

PRIN Well, why not? If I have to be a princess, I might as well enjoy it.

CAPTAIN When we're married, you can stop worrying about the world.

PRIN We can?

CAPTAIN If we marry, you'll have to leave all this and live in my home. Surely you've thought this through. - 24 -

PRIN But I haven 't even seen your home!

CAPTAIN It's, shall we say, more modest than yours.

PRIN This one isn't actually mine anyway. I just live here. I won't miss it.

CAPTAIN You think you won't, but it can be quite a shock living in the real world.

PRIN My world is entirely real! And it can't be that awful out there. You've survived it. Besides, they should accommodate me. They managed for fucking Henry VIII. We can make you a viscount or something.

CAPTAIN I'm not the viscount type.

PRIN Don't be silly. You'd make a perfect viscount. It isn't as though people haven't been made into lords and earls and god knows what else in the past and for doing what? Some monarch's dirty business. They can cough up a viscount.

CAPTAIN You tell them that, Princess.

PRIN I'm not afraid of them and their boring old tradition. Tradition is so tiresome.

CAPTAIN It must be, yes.

PRIN Do you think I'd pretty even if I weren't a princess?

CAPTAIN Lovely. Especially here in the dark.

PRIN Oh, you! (Punches him.)

CAPTAIN Hey!

PRIN Some say I'm quite pretty. Sometimes I think it might just be the royal setting.

CAPTAIN Are you always this witty?

PRIN Was I being witty? I thought I was merely stating what I felt.

CAPTAIN Wit can be quite tiring at times. Such effort, on both sides.

PRIN A clever turn of phrase can turn lead into gold. But I don't feel any need for effort. Everything just comes out.

CAPTAIN Like poop?

PRIN Oh, that's disgusting!

CAPTAIN It's quite natural. - 25 -

PRIN Oh, do stop! . . . Actually you've hit on something. I've always thought it was odd that we should claim to be made in God's image. Does God shovel food in at the top and it comes out in a most unbecoming mess at the bottom? I'm sorry. I'm talking rot. It must be putting you off most awfully.

CAPTAIN Nothing you do can put me off. (Turns off the light.) . . . Feel here.

PRIN (feeling his penis in the dark) So I see! You complete cad!

CAPTAIN You're completely captivating, really. If only people could see you as I do.

PRIN You mean naked and stroking your penis? I hardly think that would endear me to them.

CAPTAIN I mean being the wildly wonderful, passionate woman that you are.

PRIN They say I have a voracious appetite for sex. And they're quite right. One after noon recently I had sex with all of Wales.

CAPTAIN Come, let me shut that mouth and let me show you where my heart is.

PRIN I'm passionate, but I'm capable of great love too. Are you my great love?

CAPTAIN We can only try to live our lives, and not let others live them for us.

PRIN You're right. Let's live ours! (Silence.)

CAPTAIN You sure you want to do this?

PRIN Well, we've come this far. (Both laugh.)

PRIN Is that your heart I feel against me?

CAPTAIN Shhh . . . I do love you, Margaret.

PRIN Oh, my God, now I have . . . everything! (Perhaps we hear the sound of the bed starting to move.)

PRIN Oh! . . . Oh!

BLACKOUT

[end of extract]

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