Ebenezer's Trailer Park Christmas Speck-Tac-Yule-R! by Joe Mark Nierle

This Play is the copyright of the Author and may not be performed, copied or sold without the Author's prior consent

From Act One ...

DIXIE
Who's movin?

EB
You are; try to keep up, Dixie. Now this here note says they're
shuttin down Fern Forrest.

DIXIE
What? They can't do that. I like it here and it's almost
Christmas. Jeez, Eb, you could depress the devil.

EB
So what? Money people do what they want. Christmas, Easter, Ground
Hog Day—they don't care long as they make money. (Eb exits into
his trailer.)

DIXIE
Jeez, now what?

SONG: PUTTIN ON THE WHEELS Dixie, Daisy, Peaches

DAISY December is here and it's dark all the time
And nights are just TV and beer
That's when we need something special and fine
To spice up the end of the year
But they're closing Fern Forrest around Christmas time
It's a fate that we just don't deserve
The landlord's a Yank—between him and the bank,
It's enough to get on your last nerve

CHO Christmas ain't Christmas when you're all alone
Your neighbors and friends will be three shades of gone
We'll be puttin' the 'mobile' back in mobile home
You just don't know how lonesome it feels
When you're reattaching the wheels

DIXIE Reindeer with red bows and lights on flamingos
Can add lots of class to your place

(Complete lyrics in full script)

DAISY
Stop, stop. We can't let this happen, we gotta get a plan.

DIXIE
What kinda plan?

DAISY
We gotta figure out a way to get some money.

DIXIE
For what?

DAISY
Well, if we can get some money we could buy Fern Forrest, then we'd
own it, no one could make us move ever again. People think cause ya
got wheels on yer house ya can just get up an go. But, this is where
we live this is our home. .

PEACHES
Well slap my head and call me silly! Why didn't I think a that?
You're loony, Daisy. We could never raise that much money. Jeez,
with the economy like it is, I can't even get
my layaways out a hock.

DAISY
Yes we can. It'll take a lot a work, but we can do this.

DIXIE
How?

DAISY
We just gotta think of a way to raise money.

DIXIE
Oh. Peaches is right, that dog won't hunt.

DAISY
All we gotta do is think of a fund raiser. We could have a Backyard
Bar-B-Q or sell somethin'; we could have a garage sale!

DIXIE
We live in a trailer park, we don't have a garage to sell.

PEACHES
Wait, waitI got it! We can put on a Christmas show, charge
admission, we'd make money on that. I've been lookin for a way to
get back into show business.

DAISY
Honey, you been showin and that's your business, but I wouldn't
call it show business.

PEACHES
You just wait and see, Daisy, wait and see. I can put an act
together that'll bring in the money.

DIXIE
You think we can, Peaches?

PEACHES
Of course we can. Why, didn't I make lotsa money to help the
Odet's re-pave the raceway doin a little singin and dancin and
sellin cookies?

DAISY
People broke their tooth on those cookies.

PEACHES
So what! They still paid to see me sing and dance didn't they?

DAISY
Yes, they sure did.

PEACHES
So?

DIXIE
Oh come on, Daisy, it'll be fun.

DAISY
Well.maybe, if we get everyone to help we can do it; charge
admission and save our homes. We could call it the Fern Forrest
Trailer Park Christmas Show.

PEACHES
No, no, think big girls. We'll call it The Trailer Park Christmas
Speck-Tac-Yule-R!
Put up lights and Santy Clauses, and make fruit cakes

DAISY
Wait, nobody likes fruit cake.

DIXIE
My Aunt Ray Dean Nump did.

DAISY
She really eat a fruit cake?

DIXIE
Well, noher sister Ella Dean give her one, but after a while it
got so hard Ray Dean just used it as a door stop.

PEACHES
I see..Movin on, we can get some whiskey and sell high balls and
those cute lil drinks with umbrellas in em.

DAISY
I nix the whiskey, some church goers might frown on that, probably
not come if liquor was involved.

PEACHES
I seen some folks tyin it on Saturday night then come stumblin into
church Sunday morning. Goin to church don't make ya a Christian any
more 'n standin in a garage makes you a car.

DAISY
Peaches, we are not gonna make a statement with this; we're just
tryin to raise some moneyno alcohol.

DIXIE
Daisy's right, Peaches.

PEACHES
All right, jeez, no hootch.

TINY
(Tiny enters with one crutch) Excuse me ladies(crossing to pile
of pipes SR)

DIXIE
Tiny, we're gonna do a fund raiser to save Fern Forrest; a Trailer
Park Christmas Speck-Tac-Yule-R. What happened to your foot?

TIM
I dropped a wrench on it this morning.

DIXIE
Does it hurt.

TIM
No, Dixie, it don't hurt, I just thought this crutch looked good
with my outfit. Jeez.

DIXIE
Quit bein ugly, I was just askin.

TINY
What is this about a fundraiser? For what?

DAISY
They're sellin the trailer court so we're gonna put on a
Christmas show to raise money to buy it and you boys are gonna help,
too. Come on girls we got a lotta work to do. Let's go write this
show and get the plans a rollin. (as they exit talking, excited )

PEACHES
I got this cute pair a Daisy Dukes that'll look so nice.(and
they're gone)

DIXIE
(She comes back on stage and says sweetly) Bye, Tiny. (and she's
gone)

TINY
Eb. Eb, get out here.

EB
(entering with guitar) What?

TINY
Daisy says they're sellin Fern Forrest.

EB
They are.

TINY
Well, did ya know they're gonna put on a show to make money to buy it?

EB
What? That's a fool notion. Who'd pay to see them?

TINY
Not just them, they said we're gonna be doin it too.

EB
Not me!

TINY
It could be fun.

EB
Nothin's fun when those girls get to cookin up an idea, and I
ain't doin no show about Christmas. As the man says, Bah Humbug! to
that.

TINY
You know Eb every year you get meaner and meaner come Christmas. You
sit in that trailer of yours all alone jest playin your guitar day and
night.

EB
It's what I do, I enjoy it.


TINY
No ya don't. You need a good woman in your life.

EB
I had one.

TINY
Yes, you did but ya don't no more. Ever since Erleen, left you
been holed up in your trailer all by your lonesome.

EB
You're a good one to talk, you ain't got a woman.

TINY
No, Eb, I don't, but I got my eye on one.

EB
Who?

TINY
Don't never mind who. I'm sittin' on go, and my wheels are
spinnin.

EB
Your wheels may be spinnin, but ain't nobody driven.

TINY
You wait and see, Eb, wait and see. Anyways we're talking about
you, not me.

EB
I 'preciate it, but I'm doin jest fine.

TINY
Have it your way, EB. I gotta get some pipin for this job I'm
doin.

EB
How is your plummin business?

TINY
Horrible. People got no money; steada callin a plummer they're
duct tape'n their pipes together.

EB
Exactly. And these girls think people are gonna pay hard earned cash
to go to the thee-ater!

TINY
I guess, but it might be fun, make Christmas a little more merry.

EB
What reason have you to be merry-you're poor enough.

TINY
But it's Christmas.

EB
What's Christmas to you but a time for paying bills without money,
a time for finding yourself a year older, but not an hour richer.

TINY
Never mind, ya ol Scrooge. (He roots through the pile of pipes. Eb
begins playing guitar and singing)

SONG: LOVE'S DEFEAT Eb
It was in the Walmart checkout line when I first saw her there
Six inch heels, a skull tattoo and piles of beehive hair
And I longed so much to meet that girl, but I could hardly speak
'Cause when she walked away from me, she was dancin' cheek to
cheek
(Complete song lyrics in full script)

At end of song: From behind the sheet on Peaches' clothesline a
glow begins, fog emerges, and we see the silhouette of Harley backlit.
He's holding a chain.)

HARLEY
EbenezerEbenezer, Eb, you ol geezer.

EB
What do you want with me?

HARLEY
Much. My motorcycle chain is busted. I forged it in life, link by
link, yard by yard, it's a ponderous chain and now it's broke.

EB
Jake Harley, why tell me about it, it's your cycle business.

HARLEY
Business, ha! Welfare's my business, charity, mercy they're my
business now cause I run outta money to keep my shop open and my bike
chain broke.

EB
So?

HARLEY
(coming from behind the sheet.) So you have money and I thought
maybe you could lend me some to keep the cycle shop open. I'll pay
ya back.

EB
Don't be hard on me Harley, you're a good friend to me, but I'm
as broke as you.

HARLEY
You're crazier than a possum in a still! You got more money than
anybody, more than enough to give you a chance and a hope of escaping
my fate. I'm just askin for that same chance.

EB
I'm sorry Harley, I'd like to help you out but in case you
haven't heard, they're sellin the trailer park and we gotta move,
so I need my money.

HARLEY
Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit, if that don't beat all!
Lose my business, break my bike chain, and gotta find a new home all
in one day. Talk about your holly, jolly Christmas.

TINY
Yea, but the girls are puttin' together a Christmas show to try an
raise money to buy the place.

HARLEY
Oh yea?

EB
It ain't gonna work, nobody's got no money.

HARLEY
'Cept you.

TINY
And they want us guys to help out.

HARLEY
Do we get some a the money?

EB
You don't mean you'd do it?

HARLEY
Heck yea I'd do itcha ching! Do whatever it took to get my shop
open again, little dancelittle song; (clears his throat and sings:)
me, me, me, me

TINY
Wait, let me get the youngins', they love it when you try
singin'. You kids get out here; Harley's gonna try singin'
again.

HARLEY
Try?

VIRGINIA
(As they coming running on) Oh, Uncle Harley, wait, I wanna sing.

JOHN DEARE
Me too.

VIRGINIA
Why you always have to do what I do.

JOHN DEARE
I don't.

VIRGINIA
Do to.

JOHN DEARE
Do not.

HARLEY
Hey, hey, settle down there, J.D, V.D. Sit yer little butts down if
you wanna hear me sing.

SONG: GRANDMA OLLIE'S SPITTIN' IN HER PURSE AGAINHarley
(Complete song lyrics in full script) (after song)

VIRGINIA
Sing another song, Uncle Harley.

EB
First off, he ain't your uncle and second off there's nothing to
sing about.

TINY
Eb, you are just down right sorry

HARLEY
Ah he's good people, even if he won't share his money. You know
how he gets around Christmas time. (Peaches enters) Hey Peaches.
What are you up to? I thought ya'll were planning a big show.

PEACHES
(Drawing it out) Heeeeey. Nothin, I'm just takin a break; I come
out for a cigarette then I remembered I quit.

VIRGINIA
What's your favorite Christmas story, Tiny?

TINY
Well honey it ain't so much a story as it's a song.

VIRGINIA
What, what is it?

TINY
Eb, let me see that there guitar. (To JD and VD) Ya'll help me out,
jest jump in when ya get it Now this is a true story.

SONG: BUBBA CLAUSE Tiny, John Deare, Virginia Dare
(Complete song lyrics in full script) (After song)

JOHN DEARE
(all clapping, yeah's etc..) What about you, Eb?

EB
I don't like any of em.

HARLEY
Never mind him, here's my all time favorite Christmas story.

Twas the Night Before Christmas, Bubba Style (Underscore with
a Christmas song)
Twas the night before Christmas when all through the park
Not a critter was stirring, not even the aardvark
Peaches' stockings were hung on her clothesline with care
In hopes that a Bubba soon would be there.

The folks were all nestled and snug in their beds
While visions of better days danced in their heads.
And me in my red kerchief and Tiny in his cap
Had just settled down for our 'sleep it off' nap.

When out on the asphalt there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the floor to see what was the matter.
Away to the trailer door I flew like a flash
Threw open the screen door and broke the dang sash (The script has
the whole 'Night Before Christmas Bubba Style')

VIRGINIA
Eb, why don't you like Christmas? Everybody likes Christmas; the
presents and the tree and cookies and Santa Clause

EB
(standing) No, Virginia, there ain't no Santa Clause. (he goes
into his trailer)

[end of extract]

Price $7.99 Add to cart