Double or Nothing by Jack G Hyman
SETH AND MARK (OFF) (Singing.):
"LAST NIGHT AS I PUT MY HEAD DOWN ON MY PILLOW, MY MIND DRIFTED OFF
IN THE NIGHT,
TO ALL OF THE PEOPLE AND PLACES THAT HELPED ME,
ALONG THIS OLE ROAD THEY CALL LIFE"
SETH and MARK enter.
MARK: Where're the keys? Where're the keys?
SETH: I dunno. Where'dya put 'em??
MARK: I dunno. Where'd YOU put 'em?
SETH: I dunno. In my coat???
MARK: In my coat??? What're they doin' in my coat.
SETH: NOOOOOO, in MY coat.
MARK:What're they doin' in MY coat?
SETH: MY COAT. They're in MY COAT, dummy.
SETH pushes MARK.
MARK: GOTTCHA! They're in YOU'RE coat.
MARK pushes him back.
SETH: Where's my coat? Oh, no! I left it in the hearse.
SETH turns around to go back.
SETH: I've gotta run back to the funeral home.
MARK pulls SETH back.
MARK: STOP! Here's your coat.
SETH: How'd you get my coat?
MARK: You left it in the hearse.
Big laughter from both. SETH unlocks the door and enters first. They
are both wearing dark suits with white shirts and dark ties. SETH
wears dark boots. MARK wears dark dress shoes. MARK has on his coat
but his tie is loose and his shirt is unbuttoned completely. SETH's
tie is on but greatly loosened. Only his top button is unbuttoned.
They stumble in and MARK immediately crosses toward the bathroom.
SETH: Where're you goin'?
MARK: To piss. And change for my football game.
SETH: Hey! HEY!! (MARK turns.) Me, too??
MARK: You wanna play football with me? And my friends? You can't
stand them. They can't stand you. IT'S PERFECT!
SETH: No dummy, I gotta piss, too. So whip it out!
MARK: WHAT???
SETH: Whip out your dollar bill, "Marky."
MARK:Aaaahhhh
SETH AND MARK (Shouting.) DOUBLE OR NOTHING!!!
They race each other to the bathroom and exit.
SETH(OFF): Ready?
MARK(OFF): No, no, wait. Gotta get synchronized. AaaandGO!
SETH and MARK (OFF, singing.):
“I LAID THERE JUST SIGHIN'
'BOUT THINGS I'D BEEN BUYIN'
FOR YEARS WITH THEM OLE PLASTIC CARDS.
AND THEN IT CAME TO ME, THAT I'D HAVE BUT NUTHIN'
WITHOUT SEARS AND MONTGOMERY WARDS"
MARK(OFF): Oh, no!!!
The toilet flushes and MARK and SETH re-enter, still zipping up. MARK
takes his tie and shirt off and goes to his suitcase U.S. He
continues the conversation while he brings his suitcase to a chair,
opens it, and begins taking out a gym bag, shorts, T-shirt,
sweatshirt, etc.
SETH: Pay up, Pay up. I told you mine would be longer.
MARK hands SETH a dollar.
MARK: Not fair.
SETH: Not fair? Not fair, my ass! Longer is longer. It was fair and
square.
MARK:Not fair!!!
SETH: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! Your just jealous cause mine was longer than
yours. Hey, it's nature man. Don't mess with Mother Nature.
MARK: Mother Nature didn't have anything to do with it. You just
drank more beer than me.
SETH: YES!!! Three seconds more beer!
MARK: I know, I know. Gimme back my watch.
SETH hands MARK his watch.
SETH: Wow! When was the last time you played that?
MARK grabs his shorts, T-shirt, etc from his suitcase.
MARK: Are you kidding? God, it was at least…lemme think…at
least…A WEEK AGO !
Both explode with laughter.
MARK: Man, I have missed this place!
SETH: Move back here, Mark.
MARK: (Long pause): It was a nice service, don't you think?
MARK exits to bathroom.
SETH (Shouting): Yeah, sure. It was wonderful. Well, not wonderful
but…nice. They made it so…nice. You know, real…special. Real
memorable. I think Dad would have wanted it that way. You know, to
be remembered the way he was remembered, hmm? (No answer.) They said
some nice things about Dad. (No answer.) Don't you think? A little
heavy on the religion, though. (No answer. Louder.) A little heavy on
the religion, though, don't you think? (No answer.) I don't know. I
guess the minister was just trying to be spiritual or something. Hey,
I thought it was really beautiful when he described Dad as one of the
36 pure and totally righteous people that god must have put on Earth
to balance out all of the evil in the world.
MARK Enters from bathroom wearing only his shorts. He does the rest
of his dressing on stage.
MARK : Yeah yeah, that was a nice touch. A little heavy on the
religion though, huh?SETH: Yeah, that's just what I wasOh!
MARK: Gottcha again, little bro. Man, you're gettin' slow. Hey,
what are we gonna do for dinner?
SETH: Are you kiddin'? I'm gonna grill. I've got some steaks
that've been marinating in Wishbone all day. And salad and some of
our own corn.
MARK: That's great Seth. You're the best. Damn, I miss a good
grilled steak. People up there actually broil their steaks, especially
in the winter, can you believe? I don't care if it's 30 below and
I'm freezing my balls off, I'm going outside to grill. I don't
care how long it takes, you do NOT broil a steak, under ANY
circumstances. You grill it, right bro?
SETH: Right!
MARK: And I haven't had a good broiled steak since
SETH: Since you were here over a year ago?
MARK: Don't start.
SETH: Mark, can we talk about some things before you go to
your…"football game"?MARK: You need help with the farm, don't
you?
SETH: Oh yes, Mark! YES! I do. Man, you have no idea how hard it is
taking care of the crops, getting things to market, wrangling the
helpers, bargaining with middle-men who don't give a shit about
quality, only price. It's hanging on, Mark, but if there is any
chance at all that you might…you know…move back herewell, it
sure could do a lot better?
MARK: You still mad at me for not coming home?
SETH: Yes. (Pause.) You still mad at me for leaving you in New
York?
MARK: It was a major songwriting proposal, Seth. For fucking Warner
Brothers, no less. I couldn't do it without you.
SETH: But you did.
MARK: And look how that turned out. It would have worked a hell of a
lot better if you were there.
SETH: You don't know that.
MARK: Yeah, actually, I do. They told me.
SETH:Told you what?
MARK: That they considered you and me a team. And that they
wouldn't do it without you. Or at least without another lyricist.
SETH: So why didn't you get one. They're all over New York. Just
throw a rock and you'll hit one.
MARK: No, you're more likely to hit a waiter who says he's a
lyricist but just wants to…never mind. I wanna come home, Seth. I
wanna be here, helping you with the farm. I'm through with trying to
make it in a profession I'm not very good atat least not as good
as I thoughtand definitely not as good as you. And I miss this
placebadly. I evensort ofwellkindayou knowmiss you.
And I'm so over New York. What do you think?
SETH: Are you kidding? Mark, that's fantastic! I have missed you,
too, man. I have really missed you.
SETH hugs MARK
MARK: This is so great! When can you move?
MARK: I can move anytime, Seth, butOKjust…are you sure? Are
you absolutely sure? I mean, don't you want to think about it first?
Are you going be able to handle living with me? Really, Seth, I
want you to think about it. It's a whole new dynamic that has to be
addressed, Bro.
SETH: Why would I have to think about it? I'm so glad you're
coming home and can help me take care of this place. What else is
there to think about?
MARK: This is so amazing. Do you realize that we haven't fought
once since I arrived? That's a new record. And now, now you tell
me that you're OK with me coming home.
SETH: Hey, a lot has happened since I saw you last. Plus, Dad would
have wanted it that way. And I love you Mark. You're my brother.
So.
MARK: Really? Oh, man, this is great. This is so GREAT! Seth?
Seth, you have no idea how much I want to be here. How much I need to
be here. I never thought you'd…I mean I didn't dream this would
be so easy. I love you too, Seth. I really do. You are the best. I
mean it.
MARK rushes over, hugs SETH, kisses him very quickly on the lips, hugs
him again, then lifts him off the ground.
SETH: Wow, you are happy about this, aren't you? I mean, did you
just kiss me on the lips?
MARK (Laughing): Oh yeah, sorry…old habits, I guess.
SETH: What old habits? You never kissed me on the lips before.
MARK: No, I mean other guys.
SETH: Other guys? What are you talking about? You kiss other guys on
the lips? You can't do that here, Mark. This is Texas. They'll
think you're gay. Don't look at me like that, they will. What? What?
MARK: Hang on, little Bro, you'll get there.
SETH: Are you telling me that you're?
MARK nods. SETH seems to be in pain.
MARK: What's going on, Seth?
SETH :UmmII…
SETH is drifting away.
MARK: HEY!
SETH: OK, OK, I can't do this.
MARK: Do what?
SETH suddenly begins speaking very fast.
SETH:UmmOK…ummm…I…I…I need to tell you something.
MARK: Oh, brotherwhat!
SETH: SHE's come back and we have to see her tomorrow.
MARK: Seth, I don't know what the hell you're talking about. What
the hell are you talking about? (No answer.) What the hell are you
talking about?
SETH: Our Mother is back and we have to see her tomorrow.
MARK: What? That's… She's here? Where? How? What?
SETH:II wanted to tell you but I didn't know how and suddenly now
I have to tell you and I still don't know how and now you just told
me what you told me and I don't know how
MARK: You're babbling, Seth. Just tell me, dammit!
SETH: OK, OK…we're being forced to see her. Some kind of legality
regarding Dad's will. I don't know exactly. But we may have to see
her. Look, are you really gay? As in…kissing guys on the lips and
meaning it?
MARK: Well, I don't always mean it. But yeah, Seth, I kiss guys on
the lips. And that is fantastic about Mom!
SETH: WHAT! Fantastic? Are you crazy? Are you crazy? Are you
crazy?
MARK: Wellone of us seems to be.
SETH: Why would you want to see her?
MARK: Why? Because she's our Mother! And I just need toI have my
reasonsnothing you'd understand. She's still my mother, dammit.
Our mother! Isn't that enough of a reason? Why DON'T you want
to see her, that's the question.
SETH: She left us! I was 4 and she left us! Mother's aren't
supposed to do that, Mark. Mother's don't leave their children,
OK? Mother's shouldn't…Mother's can't…I don't give a
rat's ass about ever seeing her again. Why would you? Nevermind, I
don't want to talk about it. And I don't believe you're gay.
MARK: You want me to give you another kiss to prove it?
SETH: NO!
MARK: OK then, shut up about it! We are talking about Mom. This is
great news, Seth!SETH: Noit's not. She's gone. And I intend
to leave it that way.
MARK: Fine. How do you know about all this? And why are you talking
so fast?
SETH: Dad's lawyer told me. And I'm not talking fast.
MARK: What did he tell you?
SETH: She. She said that there are some legalities that need to be
taken care of before Dad's estate can be settled and that all three
of us have to come into her office tomorrow at 10 a.m… and I will
not shut up about you being…you know.
MARK (In SETH'S face): Gay, Seth. The word is gay. And you won't
catch it by saying it. You got it? Good, cause this is a completely
dead issue that has played itself out many times in my life with many
other people who mean a hell of a lot less to me than you do.
SETH: But you
MARK: Drop it, I said.
SETH: But
MARK: Right now!
SETH starts to speak.
MARK: NOW! Understand? Take a deep breath, Seth. Good. OK,
then…that's finished. Do you know where she is? Our Mother.
SETH: Your Mother! And no, I don't.
MARK: Did you even know that she was around?
SETH: Not until this morning when the lawyer called.
MARK: Do you even remember what she looks like?
SETH: No Mark, I don't. Do you?
MARK: Oh yes. Yes, yes, yes! I do. At least I think I do. And I want
to see her face again. Because the last time I saw her she was pushing
you and me into the car to take us to Aunt Mimi's for a few days.
She was so mad.
SETH: At us?
MARK: At Dad, I think. He was screaming at her from inside the feed
house. She was screaming back. That's all I remember before we
drove off. Seth, I just want to see her again. It's all I've
thought about. So, yeah, I want to see her and I can't wait till
tomorrow!
SETH: Well, I don't! So, fine for you because I'm not staying
there more than the time it takes to sign the papers. You can let me
know what else happens. I don't want to see her, I don't want to
talk to her, I don't want to be anywhere near her, Mark? After all
she…after what she did to Dad. And to us. Why, Mark? Why in hell
would you suddenly want to see her after all these years?
MARK: Because she's our Mother, you shithead!
SETH: I don't need a mother! You need a mother? Get married!
MARK glares at SETH
SETH: Oops!
MARK: How far away is the lawyer's office?
SETH: I don't know. 15, 20 minutes.
MARK: Ok, Seth, good. Just go with me and you can stay ten minutes and
then leave if you're not happy. I'll take care of everything else, OK?
SETH: OK, but only ten minutes, no more.
MARK: Deal! Ten minutes.
SETH: And you'll go in and you'll talk to her and I'll wait outside.
MARK: OK,OK! That's good! That's great! Thanks, Seth. You're
the best.
SETH: I'm just glad Dad wasn't around to see
MARK: He knew.
SETH: He what?
MARK: He knew I was gay. I assumed you knew too, because you lived
with him in the hospital. I thought Dad would've told you. That's
what I meant when I asked if you were OK with me coming home. Because
I was sure that you knew. Honestly Seth, I don't understand how he
could have not told you?
SETH: I don't know how. I don't know why. But he must have had
his reasons. He…he…he probably…I don't know. Are you sure he
knew?
MARK: Oh, yeah! I'm sure.
SETH: How? How are you so sure he knew?
MARK: A year ago, when Dad came up to visit. I had sent him a key to
my apartment in case I wasn't home when he arrived. You know how Dad
was when he drove cross country. Never wanted to commit to when he
would be there. Always wanted to surprise you.
SETH: Yeah, so?
MARK: I was in the shower. Dad must have buzzed and then used his key
when I didn't answer. When he heard me in the shower, he tried to
play a joke by throwing back the shower curtain and playing out the
scene in "PSYCHO.”
MARK mimes a knife, slashing through the air and imitates the
"PSYCHO" music.
MARK: EEEE-EEEE-EEEE-EEEE!
SETH: So?
MARK: I wasn't alone. I was with a guy.
SETH: What kind of guy?
MARK knocks SETH on the side of his head.
MARK: What kind of guy? WHAT KIND OF GUY?? Seth, you asked how Dad
found out that I'm gay. HELLO???
MARK knocks SETH on the side of his head, again.
MARK: Is this thing working?
SETH: OK, OK. So what happened? Were youwere youscrewing this
guy?
MARK: NO, I wasn't screwing him. We were in the shower.
SETH: Some joke. Whose prick did Dad cut off first?
MARK: I'm sure it ran through his mind. You should have seen his
face. He just kept looking back and forth at us wondering if his eyes
were deceiving him.
SETH: He never said a word when he got back. Did he say anything to
you?.
MARK: Nothing to me. He just looked at my friend and said, “What have
you done to my boy?"
SETH: Did your…friend…say anything?
MARK: Oh yes! Unfortunately!
SETH: What? WHAT??
MARK: He said, “Pull up a chair Old Man, I'm about to do it again."
SETH: Oh my god! What did Dad do?
MARK: He just looked at him. I thought he was gonna cry. Dad was out
the door and gone before I could dry off and stop him. He drove right
back home.
SETH: Is that why you never came home to see him?
MARK: I wanted to Seth. Dad kept calling and asking me to come home
and visit so we could talk. But I…I couldn't. And I didn't want
to have that kind of conversation on the phone. I was scared.
SETH: Of Dad?
MARK: And you! Of disappointing everyone. Of hurting Dad. He was so
proud of me.
SETH: Oh yeah, you were his Golden Boy.
MARK: Don't start, Seth.
SETH: It's true. You were the one.
MARK: AHHHHHHH, there it is! I wondered how long this would take to
show up.
MARK crosses to his suitcase and rummages through it, mindlessly.
SETH: The one Dad taught to fish like a pro.
MARK: Yup, here it comes!
SETH: The one he let miss school every Friday during huntin'
season.
MARK: Same song, tenth verseyou know I've heard all this before.
Get it out of your system.
SETH: The one whose football games he never missed in high school.
Hell, he dusted off your trophies till he practically rubbed them
smooth. God almighty, Mark, he wasn't just proud of you, he
worshiped you!
MARK: Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep.
SETH: And then he'd ask about you constantly in the hospital. You
were always on his mind.
MARK: What? What did he say about me?
SETH: I don't know. How was New York going? What kind of people were
you hanging out with? Did I know any of your friends? You know how
much he loved those…throwback mud-amoeba's you call friends.
A long pause as MARK stares at SETH.
SETH: What??
MARK: What happened back there, Seth?
SETH: Back where?
MARK: A few minutes ago, when you came to the realization that your
brother was gay.
SETH: II don'tI don't
MARK: Did you mean what you said about me moving back here?
SETH: Are you kidding? Uhhh, sure…b-b-but I thought you were happy
in New York.
MARK: I just told you I wasn't.
SETH: I mean there are so many…there's so much…so much to do…so
much more to do there than there is here. I don't mean…Oh, shit,
I'm sorry. (Coughs.) What I mean is…yes. YES!!! Of course I want
you back here. This is your home, man, and I need help. But I know
you have a lot of commitments there…don't you?
MARK: Wooooow, you don't want me back here, do you?
SETH: You don't understand.
MARK: I don't believe this. I was right all along. You don't want
me back here. Suddenly, you don't want me back here! Five minutes
ago you were dying for me to move back. "I need your help with the
farm, Mark." "Please move back"..."PLEEEAAASSSE." Now you
want me as far
SETH (Overlapping.): NO
MAR K: away from you as I can possibly get.
SETH: That's not true!
MARK (Very controlled): Oh no, it's very true. I was right. Jesus H.
Christ what a tease that was. I was right. FUCK! You can't handle
it, can you? Do you know that something inside me all my life has
known that you wouldn't accept this. But just for a couple moments, a
couple of very brief moments, when we sang that old song and when we
played "Double or Nothing" and when you put your arms around me
and gave me that semi-brotherly hug. Damn you, Seth! I was right! I
was right!! You don't want to have anything to do with me now that
you know.
SETH: No, goddammit. It's not what you think. It's not. It's not.
MARK (In SETH's face): It's not what I think? Fine, then you look
at me right now and tell me honestly. Do you want me home the same
way you wanted me five minutes ago?
No answer. SETH turns away. MARK grabs him.
MARK: Answer me, goddammit.
SETH: I can't.
MARK: OK then. Fine. I understand perfectly. Well, you won't have
to worry your PETTY little head anymore, Seth. I'll go back to New
York. Right after our meeting with…MY meeting with Mom and the
lawyer tomorrow. I'll go standby if I have to. But only after I
see Mom, you got it? That's the deal, Bro. The deal between you and
me, you got it?
MARK crosses to his gym bag.
MARK: And now, I got a game. I'll be back in a couple hours if you
can stand it. You think about it while I'm gone. I'm off to meet
Buzz and Lanny and
SETH: Yeah, yeah I know the names of the weirdo's you hang out with
when you're in town. Buzz and Lanny and Clark and Kurt and Dickhead
and.
MARK: HEY! That's not his name! And it's not his fault. He was
born that way. (Pause) Yeah, can't wait to see those guys again.
We're meeting around five.
SETH: Five-thirty.
MARK: Oh yeah, right, five-thirty. How did you know?
SETH: Buzz called this morning after you got in from the airport.
MARK: Why didn't you let me talk to him?
SETH: You were in the shower.
MARK: Well, there you go. OK then. Fine. We'll eat when I get back.
Our farewell dinner.
SETH: Don't do that.
MARK: I gotta go.
SETH: Fine. See ya'. Oh, uhhshit!
MARK: WHAT NOW?
SETH: You'll be meeting Mrs. Michaels at dinner.
MARK: What? Who?
SETH: Mrs. Michaels. The cancer volunteer at the hospital who came in
every Thursday to spend time and take care of Dad.
MARK: Why on earth are you inviting her?
SETH: She meant a lot to Dad. And to me. She was thoughtful enough
to come to the funeral. I thought it would be a good way to thank
her. And Aunt Mimi suggested it.
MARK: How does Aunt Mimi know her?
SETH: She rents out Mimi's cottage. Does volunteer work at the
hospital. She's a great lady. She and I used to have the best
talks. Every Thursday. And she really helped me through the rough
times with Dad. She especially wanted to meet you.
MARK: Couldn't you have just introduced us after the funeral?
SETH: Ha! Did you notice the woman standing way, way in the back who
was crying into her handkerchief almost the whole service?
MARK: Mmmbig hat?
SETH: That's the one.
MARK: And big sunglasses?
SETH: The same!
MARK: Bright floral dress?
SETH: Now ya' got it.
MARK: Nope, never saw her.
SETH: That was Mrs. Michaels.
MARK: And you invited her to dinner?
SETH: It was the least I could do after all she did for Dad. She kept
his spirits up. Mine too, for that matter. Plus it gave me a chance
to go home once a week and check things out here. Anyway, I never
really thanked her properly. You would have done the same thing,
Mark.
MARK: I doubt it. But OK. What time is dinner?
SETH: Ummmwell
SETH crosses to the farthest end of the room next to the front door.
MARK: What now? Where're you going? What time is dinner?
SETH: 5:30.
MARK: WHAT??? What the fuck are you talking about? My game is at
5:30. That's in 15 minutes. You knew that. You talked to Buzz
this morning. You knew what time it was. Are you like…stupid or
something?
MARK grabs his bag, pushes SETH out of the way and crosses to the
door.
SETH: There isn't any football game.
MARK: What the hell are you talking about now?
SETH: I canceled it…this morning…when Buzz called.
MARK slams the bag down.
MARK: What?? No you didn't. That's it! You're dead! I'm gonna to
kill you.
MARK starts crossing toward SETH who crosses away each time MARK gets
near him.
MARK: Why would you do that, Seth? Why would you take away one of my
greatest pleasures? Why?
SETH: Because I wanted to be with you. You think I didn't want to
share my life with you after I left New York? I was dying to but you
never cared. Never called to check on Dad or on the farm or on me.
You were always so damned absorbed with yourself or the latest "new
person" you were going out with. Ha! No wonder you never got
specific about who you were dating. And…oh, my god…you even made
me get my own apartment in New York because you said that we'd be
"more creative" if we didn't live together. You selfish prick!
Did you ever even notice who had to take care of things at home? Who
was responsible for the whole damn farm once Dad got sick? Hell, did
you ever even notice who was responsible for DAD! Who did you think
took care of him, Mark, the Cancer Fairy? Nope! Just me and Mrs.
Michaels. That was it.
MARK: OK, Seth, you've made your point. You'll never understand
about Dad and me. About how Dad felt about me.
SETH: And you don't understand about Dad and what he went through.
MARK: ALRIGHT!!! Enough with the Deja Vu. I'm sorry I wasn't here.
But I'm here now, OK? So just give it a rest. Oh fuck, I gotta get
out of here.
MARK opens the door and almost crashes into someone.
MARK: AHHHHHHHHH!
MARK stares at her. In steps a WOMAN dressed in a brightly colored
floral dress, a big hat, and sunglasses. She carries a large purse.
SETH: Mrs. Michaels, you're here! I'm so glad you could come.
SETH rushes to her, pushes MARK out of the way, and hugs her. MARK
continues to stare at her. She stares back at him.
SETH: Mark, this is Mrs. Michaels, who was so good to Dad. I love
this woman. I just love this woman.
SHE takes off her hat and sunglasses. SETH gives her another hug.
MARK and the WOMAN never lose eye contact with each other. MARK is
staring at her over SETH's shoulder.
MARK: Jesus H. Christ! MOM???
SETH rebounds from her. They stare at each other.
MOM: Howdy boys, how the hell are you?
SETH: MOM????
MARK: MRS. MICHAELS????
[End of Extract]