Do Yourself Up Tom! by Robert Pask
The action takes place in a large office
There is a door(Stage.R) which leads to the secretary's front office
Another door(Stage.L) labelled WC
And another door (Upstage C.L) labelled Meeting Room
The headmaster is seated at his desk tapping away at his computer
He looks stressed
His phone buzzes and ANGELA speaks.
ANGELA (VO)
Tom Treacle here to see you headmaster.
He groans. The door bursts open.
TOM
Desmo!
DESMOND
Bugger off Tom. I'm in no mood. Haven't you got a class to teach?
TOM
Desmond?! I'm your bestest chum.. how's that the way to greet me?
Anyway..listen.. I have some top news.
DESMOND
Hmm?
TOM
It's nearly over.
DESMOND
What is?
TOM
My dry season.
DESMOND
(looking up)
Oh yes. The famous “Treacle drought”. Where is the rain to come from
this time?
TOM
Poland.
DESMOND
(slow realisation)
No Tom! You are 50 years old and Eva is 25! You are not to have sex
with her. She is new and naive. I forbid it.
TOM
Oh come on! You must admit, she is one hot piece of crumpet. Even
better with a touch of treacle on top!
DESMOND
Eva Popowski is off limits you hear? Go and seduce the new chemistry
lab assistant instead. Now there's someone who looks desperate
enough.
TOM
Chris Piggot? Don't be revolting.
DESMOND
What's wrong with her?
TOM
Her? Hang on, are we talking about the same person?
DESMOND
Christine Piggot? The lab assistant.
TOM
Bloody hell.. I thought it was short for Christopher.
(pause for thought)
Anyway, why are you so stressed?
DESMOND
Brenda Finch-Gladstone.
TOM
BFG? What's the problem?
DESMOND
She's coming to see me later. I'm dreading it.
TOM
What about?
DESMOND
I assume the asbestos situation in the gym. I think she is getting fed
up of taking classes in the canteen. I know Mrs Corset is getting fed
up with balls being banged against the serving hatch. And my irritable
bowel is playing up.
TOM
What's that pepperminty smell?
DESMOND
My herbal tea. Soothes it apparently. Looked it up on the web. Which
reminds me - I need to call Jason Stubbs's parents in.
TOM
Why?
DESMOND
Did you not here about it? The year 7 sex education talk?
TOM
No.
DESMOND
Stubbs got hold of Mrs Forbes USB stick which had her powerpoint
presentation on it. He replaced one of the illustrations with a rather
more detailed photograph which he'd found on the web.
TOM
Ha ha ha!!!
DESMOND
It's not funny Tom.
TOM
It is! Anyway changing the subject. I have discovered
something interesting. It might make your impending meeting with
Brenda more delightful.
DESMOND
What are you talking about?
TOM
She fancies you. I found out yesterday.
DESMOND
What? Get away!
TOM
Pike the groundsman told me. He tidies up the cricket pavilion with
her after sixth form games. They are quite friendly. They talk a lot
apparently.
DESMOND
And she's actually admitted this to him? She's actually said "I
fancy the headmaster"?
TOM
Well not in so many words. Back in February, he asked her if she was
sending any Valentine's cards this year. Apparently she went all shy
so he probed her.
DESMOND
Rather him than me.
TOM
She gave limited information about this person suffice to say that
they had a lovely red sports car and she'd known this person for five
years. So there you go.
DESMOND
So there you go? Is that it?
TOM
Yes. Scared?
DESMOND
Red sports car you say?
TOM
Yep.
DESMOND
Five years you say?
TOM
Indeedy doo!
DESMOND
You idiot!
TOM
What?!
DESMOND
There are three people who qualify under those criteria.
TOM
Who?
DESMOND
Okay, there's me for one - I drive a red MGB. Then there's Miss
Tripp. She started the same time as me.
TOM
Jane Tripp?
DESMOND
She drives a red Fiat Coupe - let's not forget that Brenda is of
ambiguous sexuality.
TOM
And the third?
DESMOND
Tom Treacle!
TOM
Me?
DESMOND
You drive a burgundy TR7.
TOM
That's not red!
DESMOND
Most people would consider burgundy as a type of red Tom.
Anyway, we both know it's more likely to be Miss Tripp. She isn't
a bad looking woman after all.
TOM
I definitely would!! And let's face it… I am slightly out of
Finch-Gladstone's league wouldn't you say?
DESMOND
If that makes you feel better.
TOM
It does. I can't have anything getting in the way of me and Eva.
DESMOND
Tom, you know my feelings on this matter, but just remember your own
dignity. You don't want to be looking like a dirty old man. And
think about it morally. I have better things to worry about than your
career, so you're on your own.
TOM
I hope so. Not much room in the store cupboard for three.
DESMOND
I'll ask again Tom - haven't you got a class you should be
teaching? In fact, I've completely forgotten what it is you actually
teach at this school.
TOM
Don't worry old chap, I've left Fosdyke in charge. They're
dissecting squirrels.
DESMOND
Squirrels?! Since when did rats go out of fashion?
TOM
They're far more interesting and jolly good fun to cut up. I've been
collecting them for the last month.
DESMOND
How? Have you been charming them with some kind of magic pipe?
TOM
Road kill. The A71 is a veritable pic and mix when it comes to dead
animals. I have a badger I'm saving up for an end of term surprise!
It's in my chest freezer at home in the garage.
Desmond looks at him silently with disgust and disbelief then turns
towards the door and holds it open, gesturing for his friend to leave.
DESMOND
Goodbye Tom.
TOM
Yes, bye for now Desmo.
He exits. Desmond returns to his desk and sits down. Tom pokes his
head back round the door.
DESMOND
Oh for God's sake Tom, sod off!!
TOM
Just letting you know, Brenda's here.
DESMOND
Shit.
Tom exits, chuckling.
TOM (OS)
Morning Brenda.
BRENDA (OS)
Good morning Tom.
A knock at the door.
DESMOND
Come.
BRENDA
Headmaster.
DESMOND
Ah! Erm… Miss Finch-Gladstone. Yes I err..I thought our appointment
was 11:15? I was just planning to go… is Mrs Penfold not at her
desk? She normally…
BRENDA
I really must discuss a delicate issue headmaster.
DESMOND
Look, Brenda - I have phoned the council this morning and they have
assured me that the asbestos inspector will be…
BRENDA
Eva Popowski headmaster.
DESMOND
Miss Popowski? Not the asbestos situation?
BRENDA
No. Although, since you've brought it up headmaster, I have to tell
you that one of the parents has made a formal complaint.
DESMOND
What kind of complaint?
BRENDA
Stanley Philmore forgot his P.E kit twice in a row about 6 weeks ago.
I gave him detention for it. I told him to clean out the gym store -
three days before the inspectors discovered asbestos.
DESMOND
It's not been proven yet - we are still waiting on the report. These
parents! Always jumping at the first chance to sue the school. I
suppose I'll be getting a letter?
BRENDA
His mother made the complaint directly to Stephen Lipton.
DESMOND
The Chair of the Governors? How come?
BRENDA
She's the landlady of his local pub. He has his own tankard
apparently.
DESMOND
Well we'll let Stephen fend that one off. So, what was it again?
BRENDA
What?
DESMOND
What you really came to see me about. Oh yes - something to do with
Miss Popowski? Is she not settling in?
BRENDA
Oh she is settling in very well. Rather too well. I think she is a
menace headmaster.
DESMOND
Bit harsh. Do you want to elaborate?
BRENDA
She dresses inappropriately. It's distracting for the students. I
think you should get rid of her headmaster.
DESMOND
She's only been here a month.
BRENDA
Best nip things in the bud. You know how awkward this kind of thing
can get.
DESMOND
WHAT kind of thing?
BRENDA
Indiscretions. Although she is managing to be very discrete about
them. She can't pull the wool over my eyes though. It's
inappropriate behaviour headmaster, entirely unbecoming of a teacher,
especially at this school. (Pause). You'll just have to sack her.
DESMOND
I can't just sack her! You given me no details and no proof.
BRENDA
She flirts with the 1st XI cricket captain something shocking. Her
skirts are too short. She should be made to wear a track suit.
DESMOND
Are you sure it's not the other way around? Boys and their hormones.
Not much I can do about it. It's a very serious accusation you are
making Brenda. No sane headmaster would dismiss a young gym teacher
just for wearing short p.e skirts!
BRENDA
She actively encourages them headmaster! There's talk in the staff
room about her. Everyone's of the same mind.
DESMOND
I've not heard any negative comments about her. Mrs Penfold keeps me
well up to date on staff gossip. I'm sure I'd have got wind of any
wrong-doings by now.
BRENDA
But headmaster - she's poisonous.
DESMOND
Oh please Brenda, I can't understand where you're getting all of
this from. Are you threatened by her personally in any way?
BRENDA
Threatened? By her?! You should know me well enough by now that I'm
intimidated by no one.
DESMOND
Yes. We're all very clear about that. Look, I need more proof than
just your word. If you can manage to obtain substantial evidence of
impropriety then come back to me. Now if that's all, then I really
have to be getting on. Good day.
She bristles with frustration, stands and leaves in a huff. He watches
her leave, sighs, then picks up his phone and dials.
DESMOND (cont'd)
Hello.. Yes, this is Desmond Hapliss, headmaster at Dumpley Hall
Boys'. Could I be put through to the environmental health department
please? Thank you.
He waits and fiddles with his desk toys.
DESMOND (cont'd)
Ah yes, hello. Desmond Hapliss, Headmaster, Dumpley Hall Boys'. I
made a call Friday afternoon to chase up… sorry, yes I'll hold.
He clutches his belly.
DESMOND (cont'd)
Hello? Yes. Still here. Listen, will he be long? Right.
He waits for a few moments then gives in, hangs up and rushes to the
toilet. As soon as he gets in there and settles, the intercom buzzes.
ANGELA (VO)
Headmaster?
DESMOND (OS)
I'm in the loo Angela!
ANGELA (VO)
Headmaster?
DESMOND (OS)
I'm in the loo. I'm in the.. oh for heaven's sake!
ANGELA (VO)
Headmaster?! Are you there?
DESMOND (OS)
Can't a man have a bit of peace when he's…
ANGELA (VO)
Are you okay headmaster? Right - I'm coming in.
She enters.
DESMOND (OS)
I'm in here Angela. Couldn't you hear me yelling?
ANGELA
Sorry. No, I didn't.
DESMOND (OS)
What is it Angela? Please don't make my day any worse. My bowels
can't take it.
ANGELA
I wanted to let you know that I won't be at my desk for a while. I
need to do a stock-check out back in stores. I won't be able to hear
you if you buzz me.
DESMOND (OS)
Do you really need to do that today? I need you to fend off the
rabble; tell them I'm not in. I've got too much to contend with at
the moment. I need some "me time" Angela.
ANGELA
You'll just have to fend them off yourself for half an hour.
DESMOND (OS)
Fine! I'll probably go out for a walk or something.
ANGELA
Okay.
DESMOND (OS)
Oh Angela, if you are going to be doing that, could you stock up my
stationery cupboard please. I'm running low on practically
everything.
ANGELA
Yes headmaster.
DESMOND (OS)
Oh and another thing.
ANGELA
Yes?
DESMOND (OS)
Could you chase up the engineers please? I am getting sick of this
loud clattering air-con unit in the meeting room. It's doing my head
in.
ANGELA
Yes headmaster.
DESMOND (OS)
And could you also find some more lavatory paper please? Down to the
last roll here. There's only so much tactical folding one can do.
ANGELA
(exasperated)
Yes headmaster.
She exits and closes the door very firmly.
DESMOND (OS)
(to an empty room)
Thank you Angela.
Sound of the flush
Desmond comes out of the toilet, picks up his jacket and effects and exits
[end of extract]