Devilsh! by BB Cooper & Chris Burgess
DEVILISH
ACT ONE
Scene 1
A street in North London
People walking in an everyday way
SOMETHING IN THE SKY
(sung by ENSEMBLE)
CHARACTERS IN OPENING SONG:
ALICE LOVEABLE YOUNG MUM (MAYBE WITH BABY)
HELEN ANXIOUS MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN
LAURA OLDER WOMAN (PARTNER TO LOUIE)
KATIE (PLAYS 'MADDIE') THRILL SEEKING TEENAGER
(GIRLFRIEND TO BENEDIKT)
BENEDIKT SWAGGERING YOUNG GUY (BOYFRIEND TO KATIE)
GEORGE UPPER CLASS TOFF
LOUIE OLDER SHORT-SIGHTED
GARETH (PLAYS 'NICK') - MIDDLE CLASS BANK MANAGER
ALICE: IT WAS AN ORDINARY DAY
JUST AN ORDINARY DAY
HOW COULD ANYBODY KNOW WHAT WAS TO HAPPEN?
GARETH: I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET
IT WAS AN ORDINARY STREET
WHEN SOMETHING TRULY EXTRAORDINARY HAPPENED
HELEN: I WAS SIMPLY PASSING BY
WHEN SOMEHOW SOMETHING CAUGHT MY EYE..
ALICE: LOOK!
GARETH: THERE!
HELEN: UP IN THE SKY
BENEDIKT: THERE'S SOMETHING FLYING
KATIE: WOW!
GEORGE: HIGH UP IN THE SKY
LAURA: WHAT IS IT?
LOUIE: WHERE?
HELEN: GOD KNOWS WHAT IT CAN BE
BENEDIKT: BUT LOOK IT'S FLYING
ALL FEMALES: FAR ABOVE THE CLOUDS
WAY OVER THERE!
GARETH: I CAN SEE IT FLAPPING LIKE IT'S CRAZY
ALICE: QUITE OUT OF CONTROL LIKE SOME MAD BIRD
HELEN: COULD IT BE A PLANE THAT'S GOING CRAZY
GEORGE: DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS EXCEPT ABSURD
ALL: SOMETHING IN THE SKY
SOMETHING IN THE SKY
ALL MALES: CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SEEING
WHAT I THINK I'M SEEING
ALL FEMALES: CAN IT BE IT'S REALLY THERE?
ALL SOMETHING IN THE SKY
SOMETHING IN THE SKY
KATIE: MAYBE IT'S A MAN FROM JUPITER OR MARS?
BENEDIKT: COULD IT BE A CREATURE FROM THE DISTANT STARS?
ALL (EXCEPT BENEDIKT &KATIE): HE'S COMING NEAR
HE'S FAR TOO NEAR
(DIALOGUE PANIC SCREAMING)
HELEN: Oh my god, he's going to get us!
ALICE: Help!
GEORGE: What the hell is he doing?
LAURA: It's an alien. An alien!
HELEN: QUICK! PLEASE!
LOUIE: SOMEBODY HELP
GEORGE: CALL OUT THE ARMY!
LAURA: NOW!
GEORGE: GET MILITARY HELP
AND GO TO TOWN
KATIE: YES! WE HAVE TO ATTACK BEFORE HE KILLS US
BENEDIKT: CALL THE BIG GUNS OUT AND SHOOT HIM DOWN
ALL MALES: LOAD YOUR AMMUNITION AND TAKE AIM NOW
ALL FEMALES: MAYBE THEY CAN GET HIM WITH ONE SHOT
HELEN/LAURA/GARETH/LOUIE: DON'T ASSUME IT'S JUST SOME SILLY GAME NOW
ALICE/KATIE/BENEDIKT/GEORGE: GIVE THIS U.F.O THE WHOLE DAMN LOT
HELEN/LAURA/GARETH/LOUIE: Get him. Get him!
ALICE/KATIE/BENEDIKT/GEORGE/LOUIE: Shoot him out of the sky.
HELEN: Kill him before he kills us.
GEORGE: Ready now and fire!
(GUNFIRE, SCREAMS AND YELLS OVER NEXT BARS OF MUSIC)
HELEN: LOOK, I THINK THEY GOT HIM
GARETH: YES, I THINK THEY GOT HIM
ALICE: CAN'T YOU SEE HIM WAY UP THERE
HELEN/LAURA/GARETH/LOUIE:
FALLING FROM THE SKY
ALICE/KATIE/BENEDIKT/GEORGE:
FALLING FROM THE SKY
ALICE: LOOK AT HOW HE PLUMMETS LIKE A TEN-TON WEIGHT
GARETH: WATCH HIM AS HE CRASHES AND HE MEETS HIS FATE
HELEN/LAURA/GARETH/LOUIE: WE SAW HIM FALL
ALICE/KATIE/BENEDIKT/GEORGE: HIS RISE AND FALL
ALL: SOMETHING IN THE SKY
SOMETHING IN THE SKY
SOMETHING IN THE SKY
ALICE: NOW THERE'S NOTHING IN THE SKY!
Scene 2
(RUTH IS IN HER KITCHEN GRABBING A QUICK BREAKFAST)
RADIO ANNOUNCER: "and we're just getting reports about an
unidentified flying object over South London which has been
shot out of the sky by the military. As yet no official
information about this, but we hope to bring you more from
Clapham as soon as we have it."
RUTH: Clapham? This is Clapham!
(SUDDENLY RUTH HEARS A TERRIBLE SPLINTERING OF GLASS, AND A
CRASH FOLLOWED BY A YELL OF PAIN "Aaaaargggh!!")
RUTH: What the hell
ANGEL (OFF): Oh my god that hurt!!
RUTH: What's going on? (SEES FIGURE APPROACHING HER KITCHEN)
Don't come in here. I'm I'm armed. (GRABS A SPOON, SEES
IT, REPLACES IT WITH A KNIFE)
ANGEL (ENTERS, WITH WHITE WINGS, VIRTUALLY NAKED): Hi. Sorry
about the greenhouse. I crash-landed. They shot me down.
RUTH: You're the U.F.O!
ANGEL: The what?
RUTH: Stay back. If you come any nearer I'll - I'll -
(MAKES KNIFING ACTION WITH THE KNIFE, BUT THE KNIFE FLIES OUT
OF HER HAND) Damn!
ANGEL: You'll what?
RUTH: I'll scream.
ANGEL: You don't need to scream.
RUTH: This is my kitchen. I'll scream if I want to! (ANGEL
MOVES FORWARD, AND RUTH SCREAMS)
ANGEL: Look
RUTH: No!
SONG : DON'T YOU COME NEAR
RUTH:
DON'T YOU COME NEAR!
I'M A BLACK BELT KILLER, YOU KNOW
ANGEL: You? You're kidding?
RUTH:
OH YES, I AM
I CAN KILL WITH ONE SINGLE BLOW
YOU MAY THINK I'M EASY PREY
BUT IF YOU DON'T STAY AWAY BEWARE!!
DON'T TOUCH A HAIR
ANGEL: I'm not touching you!
RUTH:
PLUS I'VE GOT SOME WEAPONS HERE
AND THEY'LL MAKE YOU QUAKE WITH FEAR
AND DREAD
D'YA HEAR WHAT I SAID?
(RUTH GRABS A FORK)
ANGEL: I heard you. What are you doing with that?
RUTH:
CAN YOU SEE THE END OF THIS FORK?
ANGEL: Well, yes but
RUTH:
IT'S VERY SHARP
SHARPER THAN AN ORDINARY FORK
SO YOU'D BETTER WATCH YOUR STEP
DON'T YOU TAKE A SINGLE STEP
I SAID
OR YOU'LL BE DEAD
ANGEL
WHY WOULD YOU THINK I'M THE KIND OF GUY WHO'D TRY TO HARM YOU?
I'M NOT THE TYPE WHO WOULD EVER HURT A FLY
I'M AS CONFUSED AS YOU, IN FACT I THINK I'M MORE SO
I WISH I KNEW WHY I'M NOT STILL IN THE SKY
RUTHIE (ALTERNATES WITH
DON'T YOU COME NEAR!
ANGEL: I give you my word I'm not going to hurt you.
RUTH: How do I know I can trust you?
ANGEL: I'm an angel. Angels are nice.
RUTH: You can't be an angel.
ANGEL: I've got wings, and I fly.
RUTH: So does 'Ryanair', and I don't trust them either.
ANGEL: And I've got a halo.
RUTH; No, you don't!
ANGEL (LOOKS, CHECKS): Oh! Must have fallen off somewhere.
RUTH (SHOUTS): I said don't move!! (STILL HOLDING OUT HER
FORK) What are you doing here?
ANGEL: Like I said they shot me down. I think I got too
close. I've always been so curious about what you get up to
down here. Oooh. I'm so bruised. (RUBS HIS BRUISES)
RUTH: I'm calling the police. (GOES FOR HER PHONE)
ANGEL: Why? What did I do?
RUTH: You've defied the laws of logic!
ANGEL: Is that a criminal offence? Oww! AaaaGH!!! (SEEMS
REALLY HURT)
RUTH: You alright? (APPROACHES HIM, CONCERNED)
ANGEL (IN PAIN): I've sprained myself in places I didn't even
know I had places.
RUTH: God, you stink! You must have landed in the compost.
ANGEL: Hey, I really do stink, don't I? (PLEASED) Wow!
RUTH: Er, Sorry what is 'wow' about stinking of rotting cabbage?
ANGEL: In heaven we can't smell. Or taste. Or touch. Or
feel. (EXCITED) But now I'm tingling with feelings all over.
RUTH: Which is why you need a cold shower! And clothes.
ANGEL: Clothes?
RUTH (AS SHE DIALS NUMBER ON PHONE): In the wardrobe in the
spare room there's jeans and shirts. You look about the same size as -
(SUDDENLY STOPS)
ANGEL: As who?
RUTH: Just get cleaned up and dressed, okay. This is no time
for half-naked men.
ANGEL: Really? When would be a better time?
RUTH: (INTO PHONE) Oh, hello I need the police emergency
service. (TO ANGEL) Bathroom's upstairs, first on the left.
ANGEL: Thanks, Ruthie. (ANGEL EXITS)
RUTH: How do you know my name? (INTO PHONE) Sorry I
want to report an angel. What do you mean does he have any
distinguishing features?
(MADDIE, A RATHER DITZY YOUNG GIRL ENTERS)
MADDIE: Oh my god! Did you hear on the radio? This thing in
the sky!?
RUTH: Maddie, just a minute. (IN PHONE) What? You'll get
back? What good is that?
MADDIE: Can you believe it!? A UFO!
RUTH: Yeah er about that
MADDIE: I hope you're ready to go. I've got my weather-girl
audition this morning. Tell me not to be nervous.
RUTH: Don't be nervous.
MADDIE: Easy for you to say!
RUTH: Listen, Maddie
MADDIE (HEARS SOMETHING): Ruthie shh!
RUTH: What?
MADDIE: There's someone upstairs.
RUTH: I know. That's what I was about to
MADDIE: Is it a guy? Ruthie! That must be the first time
you've…..well, since, since ..
RUTH: Since Will, yes. He has a name.
MADDIE: Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.. but wow, that's great.
RUTH: You're jumping to conclusions. It's perfectly innocent.
MADDIE: Oh, yeah!?
ANGEL (ENTERS: No, really. It is innocent. I mean, I wish I
wasn't as innocent as I am, but it's part of my job description.
MADDIE: Oh. My. God! You're, like, an angel! (PENNY DROPS) The
thing in the sky!?
ANGEL: They shot me down.
MADDIE: Hi.
ANGEL: Hi.
MADDIE: I'm Maddie.
ANGEL: I know.
MADDIE: How come?
ANGEL: I don't know. I just do. Weird, isn't it?
MADDIE: What's your name?
ANGEL: I don't have one.
MADDIE: Maybe we should christen you?
ANGEL: You can't christen me.
MADDIE: Why not?
ANGEL: I'm non-denominational.
MADDIE: Well.. why don't we just call you 'Angel' then.
ANGEL: Awesome.
RUTH: Whatever his name, we need to work out what to do with
him.
MADDIE: I know what I'd like to do with him. He's cute.
RUTH: I've phoned the police. They told me to wait and
they'd get back.
MADDIE: I can't wait. I've got my audition. He'll have to
come with us.
RUTH: What?
ANGEL: Where are you going?
MADDIE: We work at the BBC. The Brimstone Broadcasting
Corporation. Run by Nick Brimstone. And I'm one of his
secretaries. Only today I'm auditioning as a weather girl.
(TO RUTH) Come on, we have to go.
RUTH: Maddie! How's he going to fit in the Mini? With those
wings?
ANGEL: Oh, they tuck right down.
MADDIE: Come on!! Now!! (DASHES TO EXIT)