Desperately Seeking Love by Ryan Paul James
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THE STAGE IS COMPLETELY BLACK. ALL SIX ACTORS ARE ON STAGE SPORADICALLY PLACED
INDIVIDUAL LIGHTS START COMING UP ON WHICH EVER ACTOR IS TALKING AT THE TIME.
Light up on Sarah.
SARAH:
In 1962, I met my future husband, Charlie. He was going door to door
selling encyclopedias. You remember those? Well when he came to
apartment 308, I'm sure he had no idea that his life was about to
change. After he convinced me to buy a set, I convinced him to stay
for a cup of coffee. He was so cute. He wore a suit two sizes too
small. I fell in love with him that night. I will never meet another
man like my Charlie. It was truly love at first sight.
Light fades on Sarah and up on Tanya.
TANYA:
I'm twenty years removed from high school. I never fit in
with the popular group. What can I say? I'm a hippie, and I'm
proud of it. I don't think men get me. I'm a free spirit, and I
think that scares a lot of men away. I did have a boyfriend once, but
he turned Republican on me, and voted for George W. Bush. I told him
that I make love and not war. He chose war, and I chose love. I need a
man who's a free spirit and loves me for who I am.
Light fades on Tanya and up on Ray.
RAY:
Has anyone seen the movie "Forty Year Old Virgin"? Well if you
thought that movie was fiction, think again. I'm forty, and yes
I'm a virgin. I just can't seem to find a woman who loves the same
things I do. I did like this one girl. Her name was Wanda, and I met
her at a Star Trek convention. Everything was going great until she
unloaded on me. All I said was that Jedis are mightier than Vulcans,
and I thought Luke Skywalker could kick Spock's ass. Next thing I
know, I have a lap full of Diet Coke, and Wanda yelling at me. Talk
about highly illogical. I never saw her again. Why can't I
find my Princess Leah?
Light fades on Ray and up on Adam.
ADAM:
Los Angeles is a big city with a lot of people. However it's
one of the loneliest cities. I've been living here for six
years, pursuing my dream of acting. (Beat) Anybody from the
entertainment industry out there? My headshot is in the lobby, and if
you need more, just see me after the show. Anyway, it's very
difficult to find a woman who believes in me and my dream. It's also
hard to convince them that a guy who has done a Dennys' commercial,
and had one line in the movie "Valentine's Day" is destined for
greatness. But I believe in myself, and I know there's a woman who
will believe in me too. Where is she? Burbank? Pasadena? Maybe
Malibu?
Light fades on Adam and up on Catherine.
Catherine is about to bust out of her dress. The first thing we should
notice is her cleavage.
CATHERINE:
I'm a 40 "something" single white female, looking for "Mr.
Right". There is no drama connected with me. The first thing you'd
notice about me are my… (She stops and thinks. She looks down at her
boobs and smiles.) The first thing you would notice about me is my
beautiful smile. I weigh… I weigh 120 lbs. I've never had plastic
surgery. I love taking walks on the beach and watching the sunset.
I'm not picky, but I want a man who is six foot tall, with blond
hair and blue eyes. He also needs to make at least $500,000 a year,
drive a nice car, live on the beach, buy me a…
Lights fade on Catherine and up on Bill
BILL:
My wife, Helen, what a doll. She was the only woman I met who had the
same interests as me. We loved to travel, and every year, for our
anniversary, she would surprise me with a trip. I miss her so bad it
hurts. I know I'll never replace her, but I do wonder, if a man my
age will ever find love again. Is there a woman out there who likes
the same things I do? Every morning I'll get my coffee, read the
obituaries and then look at the personal ads, just to see what women
are looking for in men these days. I don't know what's more
depressing for me to read, the obituaries or the personal adds.
There's a lot of lonely people out there. I just don't want to be
one of them anymore.
Lights fade on Bill and Black out.
Sound: Music- All By Myself- Eric Carmen
BEDROOM OF A 40 YEAR OLD MAN, RAY. RAY IS DESPERATE FOR LOVE, AND WILL
DO ANYTHING TO GET IT, SO HE HAS ORDERED A MOTIVATIONAL CD THAT WILL
GIVE HIM INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO GET
A WIFE. THE VOICE ON THE CD IS ALMOST ROBOTIC, BUT NOT SO MUCH.
Lights Up.
ENTER RAY, HE SETS THE CD PLAYER ON A TABLE AND STARTS THE CD. HE
STANDS CENTER STAGE WAITING FOR THE VOICE ON THE DEVICE.
Sound: Voice Over Debbie
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
Well hello there, my name is Debbie, and thank you for
ordering course one, "How To Get A Wife". Ready to begin?
RAY:
Yes.
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
What is your name?
RAY:
Uh… Ray.
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
Now that is a nice name. So you want to get a wife?
RAY:
Uh… yes.
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
Well I think you are really cute, and are destined to get
married.
RAY:
Oh, thank you, so much.
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
You need to follow my advice, and practice the following
steps I will provide for you. Are you ready?
RAY:
Yes.
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
Women love it when you express interest in them. Ask me how my day
was.
RAY:
How was your day?
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
Well I woke up this morning, and got ready for the day. I
couldn't decide which dress I should wear to work today. I
had to pick between my pink dress and the white one with the black
stripe across the belly.
Ray loses interest and starts reading a comic book.
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
Well since I am feeling a little overweight right now, I
decided against the white dress, since it makes me look
fat… Are you listening to me?!
Ray puts down the magazine.
RAY:
Yes… white dress makes you look fat. Got it.
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
Okay, so I had a great day in my pink dress.
RAY:
Good.
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
Moving on, women are very attracted to humor, so do you know any
jokes?
RAY:
(Laughing) I do.
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
Let me hear one.
RAY:
Okay, so there is a priest and the rabbi on the bus?
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
No, I don't think I have ever heard that one. Please tell me.
RAY:
Okay, there was this priest and this rabbi, and they are on a bus…
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
Go on…
RAY:
And the priest asks the rabbi, where are you getting off…
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
Go on…
RAY:
... And the rabbi says…
Voice Over Debbie begins to laugh out of control before the punch line
can be given. Ray is disappointed that he
can't finish the joke.
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
(Laughing) Now that was too funny. You are very funny.
RAY:
Thanks, I guess.
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
Moving on to the next tip. You should never try "Pick Up"
lines on a woman. Most of the time that turns the woman away. Just
have a regular conversation. Ask me to dance.
RAY:
Would you like to dance?
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
No, not right now.
RAY:
Oh, But you just…
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
Just because I said not right now, does not mean I am not interested.
It may be for many reasons like heart burn, headache, sore on my toe,
I can't dance, I'm wearing a really short dress, I just had my
hair done…
Ray fast forwards the cd.
RAY:
Oh, well…
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
Swelled ankles, I'm wearing natural deodorant and I still
stink, a tooth ache…
Ray hits Fast Forward.
RAY:
Okay…
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
I don't want to get sweaty, I'm wearing shoes that are too
small on my feet, it's that time of the month…
Ray hits Fast Forward.
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
Flared bunion, I feel nauseous…
Ray hits fast forward.
RAY:
I guess we won't dance. Next chapter!
Ray begins to get more upset with Debbie.
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
Moving on. Women love it when men have talents. Do you sing?
RAY:
I've been known to carry a tune.
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
Please sing me a romantic song. Some of my favorites are Johnny
Mathis, Tony Bennett, Nat King Cole, Frank Sinatra, Pat Boone…
RAY:
How old are you Debbie?
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
Please sing that song for me now.
RAY:
I don't know what I'm singing.
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
You have a lovely voice.
RAY:
I told you, I don't know what to sing.
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
(Laughing) Oh… That was so much fun. You are a great
singer. You are on your way to having a wife and a wonderful
marriage.
RAY:
How can you say that? You are just a recording! You don't know me!
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
Moving on. Women love compliments. Imagine I am standing at your front
door, and compliment me on the way I look. Say something about my hair
and dress.
RAY:
Okay, you look good.
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
Moving on. Women love compliments. Imagine I am standing at your front
door, and compliment me on the way I look. Say something about my hair
and dress.
RAY:
You just said that.
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
Moving on. Women love compliments. Imagine I am standing at your front
door, and compliment me on the way I look…
Ray goes over and fast forwards the CD player. The CD skips over
somethings.
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
You will get a woman every time you say that.
RAY:
Say what? I missed it!
Ray tries to back the CD up.
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
Flared bunion, I feel nauseous…
Ray hits fast forward and stops.
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
Moving on. Women love compliments. Imagine I am standing at your front
door…
Ray hits fast forward.
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
(Says something in Spanish)
Ray hits fast forward.
RAY:
This is so aggravating!!! I just want a woman to love me for who I am.
How do I get that, Debbie?
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
Thank you. You look very handsome yourself.
RAY:
I can't believe I waisted three easy payments of $19.99 On this.
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
I'm feeling good about your chances for finding love.
RAY:
Oh, really.
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
I'll bet the next time you try and meet a woman, she will
say, "yes" and you will be well on your way to living happily ever
after.
RAY:
If I get laid in this lifetime. I will live happily ever
after.
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
Do you want to know the words that make any and every woman say,
"yes"?
Ray perks up. He is now interested again.
RAY:
Now we are talking.
VOICE OVER DEBBIE:
Come closer, so I can whisper it in your ear.
Ray walks closer.
RAY:
Okay…
Ray is giddy and sits down and leans toward the device.
MALE VOICE OVER:
(Very Loudly) That's the end of course one on "How To Get A
Wife". To order course two, go to http://www.wife.gov or call 1-800- GET A
WIFE. Thanks for successfully completing Course One.
Ray looks disappointed, and gives a hopeless look toward the
audience.
Lights Out.
Lights Up.
CATHERINE SITS IN A CHAIR. ON STAGE WITH HER IS A TABLE WITH A KLEENEX
BOX AND A JAR WITH A LABEL THAT READS "$1 FOR CURSING". CATHERINE
IS DRESSED IN A VERY REVEALING TOP. WE GOT TO SEE THE CLEAVAGE.
Dr. Barker is off stage on a mic.
CATHERINE:
Thank you, Dr. Barker for seeing me last minute.
DR. BARKER:
Well your phone call sounded urgent. What happened between yesterday
and today?
CATHERINE:
(Upset) I know I broke my promise to you, but I did it again! I slept
with a man!
DR. BARKER:
Oh dear, any one of the 52 men you've told me about before?
CATHERINE:
No, this was a new guy, and he was so fucking handsome.
DR. BARKER:
Ehh…
Catherine gets up and puts a dollar in the jar.
DR. BARKER:
So what made you want to sleep with the new guy?
CATHERINE:
He was a lot like number 14. You remember him, right?
DR. BARKER:
Wait, a minute, let me refer to my notes.
Dr. Baker shuffles through her papers.
DR. BARKER:
Oh, here we go. His name was John and he was athletic, with a hairy
chest and mustache, so the new guy looked like this?
CATHERINE:
Yeah, except he shaves his chest. Why do men do that? It's so
fucking gross.
Catherine gets up and puts a dollar in the cursing jar.
DR. BARKER:
How did you meet him?
CATHERINE:
Craig's List!
Dr. Barker refers to notes again.
DR. BARKER:
Oh dear… like Matt and Ron?
CATHERINE:
Yeah, but this time, I put a fake ad out. I said I was
selling a weight lifting set.
DR. BARKER:
You put out an ad before when you sold a sewing machine.
CATHERINE:
Oh yeah, for number 21. Well I was craving a more sensitive man at the
time. Last night, I wanted a more manly man.
DR. BARKER:
Well, Catherine, I think that you are…
CATHERINE:
... A slut?
DR. BARKER:
No, what I was going to say is that you are…
CATHERINE:
A whore?
DR. BARKER:
Let me try again. Perhaps you should start looking for a soul mate and
not a one night stand.
CATHERINE:
You don't think I've been trying? Is there a law out there
that says my soul mate isn't on Craigslist, Facebook, J-Date,
Christian Mingle, E-Harmony, The Penny Saver, menonmen.com, The White
Pages, Yellow Pages, LA Weekly…
DR. BARKER:
Wait a minute, Menonmen.com?
CATHERINE:
Well after dating a guy from Christianmingle.com, I was
convinced I could convert a gay man to like me.
DR. BARKER:
And?
CATHERINE:
Didn't work… I'm a 35 year old woman who still has to…
DR. BARKER:
Catherine?
CATHERINE:
What?
DR. BARKER:
Remember when we talked about telling the truth?
CATHERINE:
Sorry, I'm a Ffffffforty-one year old woman, and I haven't
met my soul-mate. Where is he doc?
DR. BARKER:
I think now is the time you do the exercise, I've been trying to get
you to do at home.
CATHERINE:
No, I don't want to do the exercise. I feel so stupid.
DR. BARKER:
You're asking the questions, that only you can answer. By putting
your dad on the wall and talking to him, it'll bring out the answers
you seek.
CATHERINE:
Okay, I'll try it.
Catherine stands up and looks out over the audience.
CATHERINE:
Dad? Hi, there you are again wearing a red ugly tie, and you are so…
(She breaks away from dad and back to Dr. Barker) I feel so stupid.
[end of extract]
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