Desperate Women by David Challenger

This Play is the copyright of the Author and may not be performed, copied or sold without the Author's prior consent

ACT I

It is lunch time and Jo is pacing up and down the stage in an
agitated manner occasionally glancing at her watch. She is in her
early forties, blonde, glamorous and wearing a designer dress. She has
an air of power about her. She walks to back stage and pours a glass
of red wine from an opened bottle. She checks her watch and then her
mobile phone for messages

A few moments later a voice is heard from off-stage

CASS (Off stage) Jo…anyone at home Jo…are you in?

JO I'm in the kitchen, come straight in

CASS (Giggling off stage) Are you alone? If not we can always come
back later?

JO Yes, I'm all alone it's all clear

Cass enters followed by Sue. Cass is in her late thirties and is a
bubbly person. She is overweight and dressed in a figure hugging
dress, low cut exposing her ample cleavage. She is wearing designer
shoes with stiletto heels. Her hair is vivid red. In contrast Sue is
in her early thirties and is dressed like an ordinary housewife in
jeans and T Shirt. She is quietly spoken. As they enter the stage Cass
looks around the room suspiciously before turning to Jo in a joking
manner

CASS We didn't want to catch you in a compromising position with
the milkman you haven't hidden him anywhere have you?

Liz shakes her head and laughs

Only if he's anything like mine talk about drop dead
gorgeous. What a physique!! Tony keeps telling me to get our milk
from the supermarket because "it's cheaper"!! Bugger the
supermarket!! A girl has to have her little pleasures in life and
apart from shopping; paying the milkman every week is mine. I never
give him the exact money, just so he has to rumble in his pocket for
the change. While he's doing that I just stand there and visualise
him in his boxer shorts

She starts to fan her face with her hand

I'm coming over all funny.

She pauses

He's got one small problem though which I'm going to have to
work on

Jo and Sue look at her quizzically. She pauses before bursting into
laughter.

I've found out he's bloody gay!! I've made it my life ambition
to convert him.

She cups her breasts and laughs

He won't find a pair like these on his partner will he?

Jo and Sue laugh

JO You never change Cass.

She turns to Sue

Hello Sue, did you come together?

SUE No, we just met on the drive.

CASS Pure coincidence. By the way Jo, what's your milkman like? If
he's a bit of all right and he's not gay, I might do a swap with
you.

JO Well he's always on time.

CASS But is he fit?

JO Yes I suppose he must be

Cass looks at her quizzically

To be delivering milk at his age

She starts to laugh

He must be seventy if he's a day. The postman's not bad though.
He's in his early twenties and has the most gorgeous blue eyes
actually, you've just missed him he's gone out through the
kitchen door. He heard the door go and had to rush off, nearly forgot
his post bag he'd spent rather too long with me this morning and
got behind with his round I get rather more than the post delivered

She indicates the settee

That sofa could tell you a tale or two

Cass and Sue both look at the settee, then back at Jo astonished at
this revelation. After a moment JO breaks out laughing

I'm joking girls! Unfortunately all I've had to keep me company
this morning is this

She holds up the glass of wine. Cass and Sue laugh

CASS You had me going there: I honestly thought I'd discovered
another side of you. I'm quite disappointed never mind I'll
just have to settle for some liquid refreshment instead. Cold lager in
the fridge is it Jo?

JO There's a nice bottle of burgundy opened if you prefer?

CASS No thanks; a long cold glass of lager will do me just fine.

She laughs and pats her ample stomach

I shouldn't really be drinking lager: I'm supposed to be
slimming. Tony keeps telling me I've got a bigger beer gut than he
has, which is saying something! Have you seen him lately? If he was a
woman you'd swear he was about eight months pregnant God knows
when he last saw his feet!!

JO I've got some slim line tonic water?

CASS No thanks Jo, a long cold can of lager will do just fine, I'll
start the diet tomorrow again.

JO How about you Sue?

SUE After the morning I've had I could murder a drink thanks.

Jo walks to the fridge and then turns to Sue.

JO What would you like red or white wine? Or would you like a cold
lager as well?

SUE Have you got anything stronger? Like a very large Vodka?

JO Do you want anything in it? Ice?

SUE No thanks, just straight and in the largest glass you've got!

Jo starts to pour the drinks and carries on talking

JO Sounds like you really have had a bad morning Sue, kids playing up
are they?

SUE No, the kids are fine, it's that bloody husband of mine
that's giving me a hard time!

Cass sniggers

CASS I wish mine would

JO Cass!!!

SUE He's driving me mad. I don't know what's wrong with him;
he's so edgy with me and the kids and every time I speak to him
lately, he flies off the handle. When I ask him why he says "It's
pressure at work! Just leave it OK! You look after the kids and leave
me to sort out my own problems! Stick to what you're good at!!"
He's being a complete

Cass interrupts her

CASS Bastard?

JO I think she was going to say male chauvinist, right Sue?

SUE No, I think Cass was more accurate

CASS Sorry Sue but I like to speak as I see it. If Tony had spoken to
me like that he wouldn't be in a position to father any more kids I
can tell you! Of all the cheek. I hope you've put him in his place Sue!

SUE I would love to but unfortunately I have to think about the kids.
I've offered to swap jobs with him for a week and let him stay at
home and cope with the kids, the shopping, the housework and
everything else. He just laughed at me. I'm sure he thinks that
clean shirts and hot meals appear by magic.

JO I gather he didn't take up your offer.

SUE No he didn't! He just gave me a blank look and walked off
muttering something about how easy I'd got it and I wouldn't be
able to cope with all the pressure of the office and said I should
stick to what I was good at.

CASS The cheeky bugger! They just don't know what it takes to bring
up a family. They must think its one long week of coffee mornings and
morning TV. I tell you what, I'm coming back as a man next time! By
the way what did you say to him?

SUE To be honest I was too flabbergasted to reply.

CASS Well at least Phil is talking to you; All I'm getting from
Tony is the silent treatment. I don't know what I've done to upset
him apart from running up my usual credit card bill and putting on
a few pounds in weight. He was watching TV the other night and there
was one of those stick insects they call models on advertising
clothes. He suddenly turned to me and suggested I should join a
slimming club so I'd be able to buy my clothes from the local
supermarket and keep my credit card bill down. To be perfectly honest
I felt a little bit insulted, but I tried not to show it it's not
my style as you know. I said to him "I'm sorry Tony but I don't
think it would look very professional for the wife of the Sales
Director to turn up at conferences in a dress from the local
supermarket, would it? What about the company's reputation?" He
just grunted something about us having to economise and that's the
last time he spoke to me. Anyway I always feel more comfortable in a
dress I've paid a few hundred for i might be overweight but I
still like to feel feminine and attractive. Nothing wrong in that is
there?

They take their drinks from Jo who raises her glass in a toast

JO Here's to happy husbands and if they're not happy who cares
as long as we are.

She looks at her watch

By the way, does either of you know if Amy is coming? I've sent her
a few texts but she's not replied to any of them. I don't suppose
she's been in contact with either of you two?

SUE I haven't seen her since the wedding.

CASS Neither have I, but to be honest I don't have much in common
with her. She's twenty two and as thin as one of those stick insect
models and I'mwell nearly old enough to be her mother and built
like a whale. I hope she turns up; it will be nice to have a chat and
discuss the shortcomings of our husbands.

Cass takes a large gulp of her drink

This must be the first time we've all met up since the wedding
isn't it? Have you got something planned for us Jo?

Jo acts nervously and responds unconvincingly

JO I just thought it was time we had a get together that's all

Sue is suspicious

SUE Come off it Jo! You haven't brought all of us women round here
for a cosy chat and a drink. What are you up to?

CASS Yes Jo, come clean.

Jo looks embarrassed at this cross examination and takes a large gulp
of her drink

I hope you haven't brought us round to test that new sports drink
the company is about to launch. Tony told me about it when we were on
speaking terms. In fact he gave me a can to try and it nearly made me
puke! It's bloody awful. He reckons it could be the best thing since
they turned Lucozade into a sports drink, but I told him it lacks a
secret ingredient

Sue and Jo look at her in anticipation

Alcohol! That's the only way I could drink any more of the awful
tasting stuff, if it was blended with vodka, to kill the taste and
give it a kick!

They all laugh and share the joke

JO It's nothing to do with the new drink girls well not directly

CASS Why have you invited us round then?

SUE A new car Jo? You've bought that new car you told me about at
the wedding.

JO No Sue I haven't got that car, not yet. I'd love it and I've
been on at James for months to treat me but he says we can't afford
it at the moment. Apparently we have to watch the finances so I'm
stuck with the old Mercedes for the foreseeable future. Pity really
I really had my heart set on a lovely convertible I've seen

She checks her watch

I distinctly told Amy that it was one o'clock I suppose that's
typical of the young women of today no urgency, just take life as
it comes. Not a bad outlook on life really no pressure. But today I
really needed her to be here on time! At least she could have replied
to my texts.

SUE You sound quite edgy Jo, are you OK?

CASS Come to think of it you did sound a bit secretive when you
phoned me Jo, is something wrong? Are you up to something?

Her tone changes

Is it anything to do with men by any chance? You know my history with
men Jo.

JO well as a matter of fact Cass, you're not far wrong

Cass starts to react and get excited

Before you start getting excited Cass, I'm not saying anything else
until Amy gets here

Jo goes to the fridge and pours herself another drink

CASS Bloody hell Amy! I wish she'd hurry up!

She turns to Sue

I tell you what Sue, I bet she's organised a girls night out. I
hope it's to a male strip show

She whispers to Sue

I wouldn't have thought that was Jo's idea of a night out to be
honest, maybe she's going through the menopause.

SUE I'll need plenty of notice Jo, so I can check with Phil that
he's OK to babysit that's if he's talking to me by then!
JO Before you start making elaborate plans for a girls night out to a
strip show, I'm going to have to disappoint you both

Sue and Cass look at each other dejected

I think I'll just try Amy once more to see if she's on her way

She starts to call on her mobile phone

CASS That's a shame Jo I could have treat myself to a new dress

She whispers to Sue

The last time I went to a male strip show I was with some girls that
I'd met at a sales conference and I got completely drunk and started
goading the strippers to get their kit off. They shouted from the
stage that they'd drop their pants if I got my tits out. It took me
all of two seconds to get out of my dress, I wasn't wearing a bra.
Then they egged me on to take my knickers off and even got the
audience to start a slow hand clap to encourage me

SUE Did you? Take your knickers off I mean?

Cass starts to laugh

CASS I was just about to go for gold when I suddenly realised that
five hundred people would see me in all my glory, stretch marks and
all and I bottled it. Tony would kill me if he ever found out.

SUE Your little secret is safe with me

She turns to Jo

Well if you're up to something that involves men and it's not
strippers is it a wife swapping party Jo?

Cass reacts

CASS Sue! You're the last person in the world I would have thought
of interested in wife swapping parties!

She whispers giggling

I didn't notice that little gem on your CV.

Sue looks slightly embarrassed

SUE You won't! It's not something I openly advertise but Phil
and I happen to be active members of a wife swapping club.

Cass is taking a drink and at this revelation chokes and spits her
drink out. Liz reacts. Sue talks in a whisper

Don't act so surprised. I'm not the simple little housewife you
all think I am. Any way a girl has to have a little hobby to escape
the humdrum of housework and raising kids. Some women like you,
like shopping and some of us find other amusements.

Cass reacts

CASS I'm speechless Sue! Just out of interest how long have you
been swapping Phil? Is he no good in bed or something?

SUE No of course he isn't, it's just a little diversion for us
as a matter of fact we've been doing it for about two years now,
we don't broadcast it well it's not exactly something you want
the neighbours to know, especially where we live. It's just a bit of
fun really and it's quite legal between consenting couples.

She suddenly becomes upbeat

As a matter of fact we find it quite stimulating if you know what
I mean?

CASS I bet you do. This is the best bit of gossip I've heard in
months you and Phil who would have guessed

She notices Liz watching them. Liz has just refilled her glass and
turns towards them. Cass pulls Sue to one side and talks in a
whisper.

Just out of interest, how does it work? Do you have a choice of
partner or take pot luck?

SUE Well first of all you all meet up and have a few drinks, just to
loosen up and then all the women put their house keys onto a table.
The men are blindfolded and take a set of keys from the table and
whoevers keys they take is their partner for the rest of the evening;
It's as simple as that!

CASS Just supposing that

She is interrupted by Jo

JO Katy must have switched her phone off. If she's not here shortly
I'm going to have to cancel our meeting.

SUE What's so special about Katy having to be here?

JO Well seeing as she's now part of this family, I think it's
only fair that she should here for what I've invited you all round
for.

CASS Have you ever thought about wife swapping Jo? You might pull a
toy boy.

Sue reacts to Cass shaking her head

JO Certainly not! It's not really my thing to be honest. Anyway
I'm more than happy with James. Would either of you two like a
refill?

They give their glasses to Jo and she goes to get them refills. Cass
takes Sue to one side and speaks in a whisper.

CASS I don't quite think its Jo's idea of fun but I'm very
interested in your little diversion.

She laughs

I could do with trying out a new man anyway Tony's way past his
"sell by date".

SUE You do have to involve your husband you know, you can't come on
your own.

CASS Don't worry about Tony, he'll go anywhere for a free shag,
anything in a skirt will be a challenge for him

She starts to giggle

Just as long as they've got a pulse!

Sue joins in the laughter

Sue I just can't get over you, it just goes to show that you should
never judge people on looks. Who would have thought of sweet little
Sue dropping her knickers on the spin of a bunch of keys and getting
it on with a complete stranger!

She pauses and looks pensive

Just out of interest what happen if they're ugly? Do you still
have to go through with it? Or can you just go off and get pissed to
hide the frustration?

[end of extract]

Price $7.99 Add to cart