Date Eight by Bill Kaba
The entrance to upscale restaurant
A sign on the front indicates "Westside Speed Dating Event: 8PM"
People are entering
It is Friday evening - 7:55PM.
BILL: (off) Jeany! You made it!
Bill enters, stage right. He is tall, thin, 30 something, and dressed
in a dark suit with a dark shirt and white tie.
Jeany enters, stage left, and meets Bill in front of the restaurant
entrance. Jeany is also tall and thin, and is dressed in a floral
JEANY: Hey Billy-Bob! You think I'd miss this?
As they continue to speak, people are entering the building.
BILL: I'm sorry, did I sound enthusiastic? I was hoping you'd miss it!
JEANY: Billy Bob, you knew the terms when we made the bet. What's
the old saying; "If you can't pay the bail, stay out of jail?"
BILL: It's "If you can't do the time, don't do the crime",
which is how I feel about this what are they calling it? (Looks at
signage) Oh, it's an "event". Makes it sound so important.
JEANY: Billy Bob, stop with the sour grapes! I won the bet fair and
square and now you have to try something outside of your comfort
BILL: Oh, this is way outside of my comfort zone Jeany Mostly because
it may be the dumbest concept since Frito Lay Lemonade, Cheetos Lip
Balm and Harley Davidson Perfume! Come on Jeany, why can't it be some
other penalty? It's not like I don't try new things. I tried horse meat last year
in France! And last month, when we had Dim Sum, I tried chicken feet!
Remember when we went parachuting two years ago for your birthday, me
being afraid of heights and all! Haven't I proven myself, haven't I sacrificed
enough? Can't we pick another other penalty that's equally as painful, like going
to an Adam Sandler movie or something?
JEANY: Stop you're belly aching Billy Bob. You know how much I love
irony! I find it so appropriate that I'm getting you, the biggest
critic of, what do you call it, oh yeah, "The Western Mate
Acquisition Dating Model", to be forced to participate in eight
installments of it! In a single night no less! Eight, eight minute
dates; sixty-four minutes of watching you suffer!
BILL: You're lucky I adore you so much Jeany, otherwise I'd have
faked my own death to get out of this. And why is it that you're
here anyway? You're not exactly the biggest advocate for dating
either. Neither of us has used any 21st Century dating apps like
Tinder, Zoosk, Match, OurTime, EliteSingles, eharmony, or Coffee Meets
JEANY: I don't know. Moral support, intellectual curiosity? Oh wait,
it's to see your head explode! (Pause) Is there really an app named
Coffee Meets Bagel? I sure hope they have something to munch on in
there. And what kind of tool uses EliteSingles? That sounds like
Kraft's version of Artisan cheeses, like Caciocavallo Podolico.
(Bill looks at her confused). It's Italian for horse cheese.
BILL: Say, I could go for a bite to eat as well. What say you and me
blow off this exercise in futility and head over to The Melting Pot?
They've got cheese Jeany! Lots of cheese!
People continue to enter the building. Bill checks his watch.
JEANY: Is it finally show time? Hey, why the heck are you wearing a
watch; you hate jewelry. That's probably the biggest reason we can
never marry; you'd never wear a wedding ring and I'd have to
urinate in a circle around you to mark my property and ward off the
BILL: I just want to make sure that the time keepers do their jobs; I
don't want to spend a 65th minute here.
By the way, the biggest reason we'd never marry is that you don't
believe in serial monogamy, let alone mating for life, and I do.
You sure you wouldn't rather take this conversation to another venue
and spend the next 64 minutes waxing philosophical about romance in
the twenty-first century?
JEANY: Oh, we're going to be doing plenty of waxing mister; just
with a bunch of strangers that are not going to be on the same wave
length with us! Let's face it, these people are all AM and FM, while
we're somewhere between gamma waves and the frequency SETI uses to
search for intelligent life throughout the cosmos! (She points toward
the sky) Which is kind of what we'll be doing in there over the next
hour or so! (Pointing beyond the restaurant entrance.)
BILL: So you're really going make me do this?
JEANY: You mean make us do this! We're in it together buddy boy!
Come on, let's go and find our next ex-boyfriends and girlfriends!
Bill opens the door for Jeany; the song It's the End of the World as
WeI Know It is playing. Bill stops and looks at Jeany.
BILL: This is an omen Jeany, a sign from God. You still want to go in?
JEANY: Why not? We're agnostics Billy-Bob; we have immunity from
signs from god.
BILL: I hope all your dates are schmucks like me who are here because
they lost a bet!
JEANY: I hope you get a stalker with OCD! No, make that a mash-up of
the chick from Fatal Attractions and the dude from Cape Fear!
BII: And I hopes she's the jealous type and comes after you like
stink on a monkey!
Jeany goes through the entrance. Bill sticks his tongue out at her
than follows her into the room.