Celestial Serendipity By Russell Wiitala
ACT I
Scene 1
Madam Celeste's parlor in an old, high class apartment building in
Manhattan. Downstage right is a beaded door leading to Madame
Celeste's living quarters. Upstage right is a desk angled at forty
five degrees from the walls in the corner. A coffee station is down
right. The desk has a telephone upstage and a small laptop computer.
Downstage on the desk is a crystal ball that, when turned, triggers
the lighting effects and closes the curtains. Upstage center is a
large window overlooking Manhattan with voluminous dark purple or red
wine drapes. In front of the window is a large sofa covered with
several pillows. In front of the sofa is an ornate coffee table with
candles and a crystal ball. Upstage left is an old armchair angled
forty five degrees from the sofa. Next to the chair is a half-moon
side table. Stage left is the entrance from the apartments hallway.
It is late morning. Sitting at the desk is Penelope dressed in very
modest office attire looking at the laptop when Madam Celeste enters
from her quarters wearing a dark red robe. She makes her way to the
sofa and flops on it. She drapes her arm over her eyes and forehead.
Penelope quickly gets up and pours Madam Celeste a cup of coffee and
adds a creamer and two lumps of sugar.
CELESTE
Letting out a weak sigh. She speaks with a Hungarian accent.
Tell me my schedule is clear today.
PENELOPE
Penelope takes Celeste's coffee to her.
That would be nice, wouldn't it? As it is, we have a very full
schedule today. I didn't think we were going to have any clients until
about one this afternoon, but about fifteen minutes ago….
CELESTE
Seekers Penelope, seekers. Not clients.
PENELOPE
Penelope returns to her desk
Right, seekers, sorry. Anyway, about fifteen minutes ago I got a call
from Tara McBride. She needs a session right away.
CELESTE
Uh, oh, another emergency. I'm sure this one is more important than
when she asked if she should switch from margarine to butter? Am I
ever going to get a break?
PENELOPE
She contributes good money to know the answers to these weighty
questions. Perhaps you could use a vacation?
CELESTE
That is a luxury I can't afford. At least until I find an investment
that doesn't turn to mud when I touch it.
PENELOPE
Perhaps you should try less risky investments, such as a roulette
table or the slot machines at Vegas?
CELESTE
I appreciate your suggestion, Penelope. But that would be gambling.
I'm not a gambler. I prefer the stock market.
PENELOPE
Yes, you prefer the stock market. You're not a gambler, you're a
speculator.
CELESTE
That's right, I'm a speculator.
PENELOPE
Penelope has looked up the word speculator on her computer
Do you know what the definition of speculator is? It means to guess or
conjecture.
CELESTE
There you go, to conjecture. What's the definition of conjecture?
PENELOPE
Penelope types in conjecture
To guess or speculate.
CELESTE
Well, that's just circular logic, it makes no sense at all. What I
want is to get rich so I can retire and the only way to get there fast
is to invest in small companies that have the possibility of
accelerated growth. Someday I will hit the jackpot, I mean pay dirt,
pay off,..huh, what I mean to say is I will have a substantial gain in
profits.
PENELOPE
Huh, huh.
CELESTE
I wish I were a psychic. I mean a real one. Or at least, maybe had
some luck once in awhile. I must have invested in twenty companies
that went belly up within six months after I dumped all of my money
into them.
PENELOPE
That blemish cream company isn't working out so well, is it?
CELESTE
I thought they were going to be a breakout company.
PENELOPE
Turns out that is exactly what they are. Instead of Zitfree, they
should have just called it Zitsbehere and here and here..I feel sorry
for that model in the infomercials.
CELESTE
Is she still suing?
PENELOPE
The last time I checked.
CELESTE
Maybe next time I'll assign each emerging company a number and I'll
tape them to a board. Then I'll blindfold you and have you throw a
dart at the board.
PENELOPE
That would make me your speculator by proxy.
CELESTE
You couldn't do any worse.
PENELOPE
I don't have a very good throwing arm and I've never thrown a dart
before in my life.
CELESTE
Good, that gives me some hope then. It will be totally random. We'll
just keep trying until you hit something.
PENELOPE
I'm sure I'll hit something. Just make sure you're standing behind me
and even that won't guarantee your safety.
CELESTE
When is Mrs. McBride coming?
PENELOPE
She should be here anytime now.
CELESTE
What? Why didn't you tell me sooner!?
PENELOPE
I was told not to disturb you before you step out of that door in the
morning.
CELESTE
Do you always have to do as you're told?
PENELOPE
It's my job and as long as I get my thirty three percent of the take I
will continue doing as I'm told.
CELESTE
Mrs. McBride is our most valued sucker.
PENELOPE
Seeker.
CELESTE
Seeker. I have to be ready for her. Nobody is as generous to us as
Mrs. McBride.
PENELOPE
I don't know how you do it?
CELESTE
How I do what?
PENELOPE
How you come up with all of that stuff while you're in your, so called
trance.
CELESTE
I merely say the first thing that pops into my head. People want to
believe, so it doesn't matter what you tell them.
A knock is heard.
I've got to go get ready.
Celeste grabs her coffee and exits stage right. Penelope goes and
opens the door.
PENELOPE
Mrs. McBride, how are you today?
Mrs. McBride is dressed in rich clothing. She walks in and turns her
back so Penelope can take her coat and hang it up. Penelope then goes
to the coffee and pours a cup while Mrs. McBride sits on the
armchair.
MCBRIDE
Terrific. How are you Penelope?
PENELOPE
I am doing as well as can be expected. Thanks for asking.
MCBRIDE
I am so excited!
PENELOPE
Why?
MCBRIDE
I think I've had a premonition.
PENELOPE
Really?
MCBRIDE
Yes. It came to me in a dream and I must ask Eebee about it.
PENELOPE
Well, I am sure that Eebee will have some answer for you.
She hands Mrs. McBride her cup of coffee and starts to walk back to
the desk. Penelope has left a pen on the saucer.
MCBRIDE
He always does.
PENELOPE
Yes, he does.
MCBRIDE
I have to admit I never believed in alien life until I met Madam
Celeste. Who would have thought that you could channel an entity who
lives on another planet in a parallel universe? What was the name of
that planet, again?
PENELOPE
Zofar.
MCBRIDE
Yes, Zofar. Someday I'm going to have to talk Madam Celeste into
writing a book about her experiences and I will publish it for her.
Here, you left your pen on the saucer.
PENELOPE
Oh, did I?
MCBRIDE
You are always doing that.
PENELOPE
Bad Habit.
MCBRIDE
Wait, I'll just make a check out now, so I won't forget later.
PENELOPE
Oh, alright, good idea. I shall retrieve the pen when you're done. You
know Madam Celeste never asks for money up front for her sessions. she
relies strictly on the generosity of her suckers, seekers.
Penelope leans on the desk
MCBRIDE
She is a giving soul and so valuable to all the people who come to her
for help. It is only right that we support her so she can continue to
do her fine work. Or should I say, so Eebee can continue to do his
fine work here in Manhattan.
PENELOPE
We all know it isn't cheap living in Manhattan.
MCBRIDE
And we appreciate having her here. We want to keep her in the
neighborhood. Thank goodness my late husband was so well heeled.
McBride chuckles a little
Here you are.
Penelope goes and retrieves the check.
PENELOPE
Thank you, Mrs. McBride.
She looks at the check and grins.
PELELOPE
Thank you, very much. Your support is always appreciated.
Penelope sits down at the desk. Celeste enters. She has a flowing dark
dress with dark colored hat decorated with feathers. She floats to
Mrs. McBride holding her hand out.
CELESTE
Mrs. McBride, how are you doing?
MCBRIDE
I am doing so well, thank you. How are you?
CELESTE
About as well as can be expected, thank you. And to what do we owe
this unexpected visit?
MCBRIDE
I know, I'm sorry, you know I would only come over on such short
notice if I really had something important to ask about? I think I had
a premonition.
CELESTE
Really?
MCBRIDE
Yes. I had a dream last night that was so vivid and real. I want to
ask Eebee what he thinks about it.
CELESTE
I am sure Eebee will have an answer.
MCBRIDE
He always does.
Celeste looks back at Penelope and she holds the check up and smiles.
CELESTE
Yes, he does. So, lets get started. If I could ask you to move over to
the sofa, please.
MCBRIDE
Yes, of course.
McBride moves to the sofa as Penelope sits at the desk and manipulates
the crystal ball on her desk to turn the light effects on and close
the curtains. Celeste sits on the armchair.
CELESTE
It is much easier for me to enter into my trance when I can put my
arms on the arm rests. It helps me relax more. Now, let's be quiet for
a moment so that I can establish contact with Eebee. Sometimes it
takes awhile and sometimes it doesn't take any…...
Suddenly Celeste convulses and weird sounds stream from her as her
head goes in a circular motion and her eyes role back in her head.
Then she stares forward like in a trance, clucks three times and
starts talking in a high pitched nasally voice.
I am Eebee.
PENELOPE
Hello Eebee.
Eebee
Hello Penelope, how are you?
PENELOPE
About as well as can be expected. Thank you for asking. We have Mrs.
McBride here with us. You know Mrs. McBride.
EEBEE
Yes, I know this seeker. Hello Mrs. McBride.
MCBRIDE
Hello Eebee, how are you?
EEBEE
As well as can be expected. Thank you for asking. I sense you have an
important question for me. What answer do you seek today, Mrs.
McBride?
MCBRIDE
I had a dream last night and I wanted to ask for your interpretation.
EEBEE
Tell me this dream, please.
MCBRIDE
I had a dream that I took a trip to Paris and I met my true love at
the Louvre. What do you think I should do? Should I go to the Louvre?
EEBEE
You should get a cat.
MCBRIDE
What!?
EEBEE
You should get a cat.
MCBRIDE
I heard you.
EEBEE
Then why did you ask “What!?”
MCBRIDE
I am a little shocked at the answer, that's all. A cat? What does that
have to do with the dream? I hate cats!
EEBEE
You asked me to interpret your dream for you and I did. Get a cat.
MCBRIDE
Well, yes, alright…. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to question your
interpretation, Eebee. It was just a little unexpected. I thought,
maybe, you would tell me to go to Paris.
EEBEE
No, get a cat.
MCBRIDE
Yes, I heard you. Okay,... I shall get a cat.
EEBEE
From a shelter.
MCBRIDE
From a shelter!?
EEBEE
Yes, from a shelter.
MCBRIDE
Yes, certainly, I shall save a cat from the shelter. I certainly
didn't expect this. I thought my dream was a premonition. In fact I
had already started to pack. Well, thank you Eebee for your reading.
It was.. quite,...different.
EEBEE
Is that all?
MCBRIDE
Yes, I think that's all. I think it's all I could stand, for now.
Thank you, Eebee.
EEBEE
You're welcome. I shall go now.
MCBRIDE
Goodbye Eebee.
EEBEE
Goodbye. Have a nice day.
MCBRIDE
Thank you Eebee, I'll try and you have a nice,...whatever you have on
Zofar.
EEBEE
Thank you.
Celeste repeats her convulsions and returns to normal.
CELESTE
Am I done?
PENELOPE
You're done.
CELESTE
Good. What was the result?
MCBRIDE
It appears I'm going to get a cat,.... from the shelter.
CELESTE
Oh, how wonderful.
MCBRIDE
If you say so. Sometime Eebee's interpretations are…
PENELOPE
Out of this world?
MCBRIDE
Yes, something like that. Well, I have a lunch date to make, so I'll
have to go now. After lunch I'm going to stop at the shelter….to get
a cat.
[end of extract]