Boomerang by Lou Clyde
Place - The Griffin home in Atlanta, Georgia
Time - The spring.
ACT I
Scene 1
Setting: Day after Sarah's wedding. The gift opening brunch has
just ended in Sue's living room. There is wrapping paper
everywhere.
At Rise: Sue's daughters Anna and Sarah are almost done packing up
stuff. Hungover Anna is in charge of maintaining the list of gifts
and gifters. Sue and best friend Becky are attempting to tidy up.
SUE: (Lifting up a bunch of wrapping paper covering gift.) Hey!
Don't forget these monogrammed wine glasses.
SARAH: Oh, yeah! Who gave us those?
ANNA: (Checking list.) I can't read my writing. Crap. Oh. Maybe the
Pattersons.
SARAH: I thought they gave us the monogrammed rolling pin.
ANNA: No. (Studying list.) Wait. You're right. I think. Did you
get two rolling pins?
SARAH: I don't think so.
ANNA: I'll figure it out. (Beat.) Damn. I have a headache the size
of Ikea.
SARAH: Probably should have had less margaritas last night.
BECKY: Fewer.
SARAH: What?
SUE: (To Sarah. ) The Grammar Gestapo has spoken.
BECKY: She should have had fewer margaritas. Not less.
SUE: Thank you for that lesson, Becks.
BECKY: My pleasure. (To Sarah.) If you can count them it's fewer.
SARAH: I stand corrected.
ANNA: I lost count.
SUE: What?
ANNA: Of my margaritas. I lost count.
SARAH: Why'd you drink so much? (Glances at Becky.) I mean many.
ANNA: I was nervous about my speech. How'd I do?
SARAH: Great. Until you told everybody about the time I took your
training bra to school for show and tell.
BECKY: That was pretty friggin' hilarious.
SARAH: Yes. Thanks for that, Anna.
ANNA: No problem. Just doing my job as Matron of Honor. Mom, you got
any ibuprofen? My head's about to explode.
SUE: Medicine chest in my bathroom.
Anna exits and Sarah continues organizing the gifts and placing them
in boxes and shopping bags.
SUE: Thanks for helping.
BECKY: Like I'd miss this entertainment. (Picks up zester.) What
the hell is this?
SUE: A zester.
BECKY: A what?
SARAH: (Grabs zester.)To spruce up my sex life.
BECKY: I need one of them.
SUE: Get your mind out of the gutter. It's a kitchen gadget. Like a
grater.
BECKY: What's a grater?
SUE: You use it to grate things. My God, Becky. Have you never grated
cheese?
BECKY: Why would I grate cheese? It comes grated at the grocery
store.
Anna returns and continues to gather up the gifts.
SARAH:Is there any more kitchen stuff? Mom, hand me those placemats
and napkins.
SUE: Don't forget the napkin rings. You now have enough napkin
rings to last you fifty years. I never used a napkin ring in my
life.
BECKY: Yes you did. You used two.
SUE: When?
BECKY: For that hooker Halloween costume a few years ago. Remember?
SUE: (Remembering.) Right. I looked hot, didn't I?
ANNA: God, Mom. Where did you put'm?
SARAH: (Holding up two napkin rings in front of her chest.) Please do
not answer that question.
Bob rushes into the Living room. Starts looking around.
SUE: Yes?
BOB: Bungee cords.
SUE: Hall closet.
BOB exits.
SUE: Tablecloths, place settings, knife set (Passes to Sarah.).
SARAH: Where's that wine opener kit?
SUE: Oh. In the kitchen. I test drove it. It works.
SARAH: I thought you only drank screw top wine.
SUE: Completely untrue, Sarah.
SARAH: Right.
SUE: I also drink box wine.
Sue exits to retrieve the wine opener. Bob runs through the living
room holding bungee cords.
SARAH: Dad wait. This box can go.
BOB: OK. How much more? (Takes box.)
SARAH: Just some small things.
BOB: They're going to have to go in the front seat.
Bob exits. Sue returns with wine opener kit. Hands to Sarah.
SUE: Here you go.
SARAH: Thanks.
ANNA: There's just some random stuff left. A globe. A neck
massager.
SUE: You can leave that if you want.
SARAH: Nice try, Mom. I'll sit on it if I have to.
SUE: And the cards.
SARAH: Thanks.
SUE: Do you have everything from your room?
SARAH: I left some clothes in my bedroom closet. And some stuff in
the desk. Don't toss anything, okay? I'll try and get it at
Thanksgiving.
Luke enters.
SUE: Hey! You're back.
LUKE: Just wanted to say goodbye to my big sis.
SARAH: Awww.
LUKE: Mom, you got any of those sandwiches left from lunch?
SARAH: Wanted to say goodbye, my ass!
LUKE: I did! (Beat.) Do you, Mom?
SUE: Yeah. Help yourself.
LUKE: What about the baked beans?
SUE: In the fridge. Take what you want.
Luke exits toward kitchen.
SARAH: Some things never change.
Anna's phone rings.
ANNA: Hey, Kev. I'm almost done. No. Do not let her watch TV. Did
she finish her homework? She said she did? And you believed her?
SUE: (To Becky.) Like mother like daughter.
ANNA: Let me talk to her. Sydney, did you finish your book report?
(Listens) You did? Really? Read it to me. (To Sue.) I trust her as
far as I can throw her. (Into phone.) I can wait. Go get it. (To
Sue.) Probably hasn't even read the book.
SUE: The pot calling the kettle black.
ANNA: (Into phone.) Ok. (Listens. Looking surprised.) Wow. That
sounds good. Let me talk to your dad again. (Listens.) Kevin,
Sydney's book report sounds suspiciously like an Amazon review. Can
you check? (To Sue.) Where was Amazon when I was in middle school?
(Pulls phone from ear as she hears shouting.) I thought so, that
little rat. Read her the riot act. I'll be home in 10 minutes. (To
Sue and Becky.) That girl is gonna end up in jail. Either that or the
White House.
SARAH: Let me know if she needs a lawyer.
ANNA: Big help you'll be living halfway across the country.
SUE: I can't believe you're moving so far away.
SARAH: Don't make me cry. Again. I cried enough yesterday.
BECKY: Brides are supposed to cry.
ANNA: You cried? I don't remember that.
SARAH: Are you kidding? I lost it when Dad hugged me after walking me
down the aisle.
SUE: You're not the only one. I was crying like a baby.
ANNA: I must have been attending to your train.
BECKY: You were a beautiful bride, Sarah.
SARAH: Thanks, Becky. So do we have everything?
ANNA: Don't forget the list. Hope you can read my handwriting.
(Hands list to Sarah.)
Bob rushes in looking confused.
SUE: What?
BOB: Duct tape.
SUE: Bottom desk drawer in office. Right side.
Bob exits. Sarah looks at the list.
SARAH: What is this? Spackle carbonator?
ANNA: Let me see. (Grabs list from Sarah.) Oh. Spice Cabinet. You
got that from the Mulligans.
SARAH: The Milligans.
ANNA: Yeah. (Hands list back to Sarah.)
SARAH: Hey- I got a pogo stick? I didn't see that! The Thackers
gave us that? (Beat.) Who are the Thackers?
ANNA: (Grabbing list.) Put on your glasses. That says barbeque steak
set. Frank Kirk gave you that.
SARAH: Oh my God! So instead of thanking the Thackers for my pogo
stick I'll be thanking Frank for the barbeque steak set?
ANNA: Exactly.
Bob rushes through holding duct tape.
SUE: I have an idea.
SARAH: What?
SUE: Anna can type up the list and email it to you. That way you
don't have to read her writing.
ANNA: You just have to worry about my typing skills.
BECKY: Spell check can be a bitch.
Luke returns carrying several large bags. Does a double take when he
remembers he is supposed to be there to bid Sarah goodbye.
LUKE: Oh. Bye, Sarah. (He hugs her.) We'll see you soon, right?
SARAH: Thanksgiving.
LUKE: Cool. Thanks for the grub, Mom.
SUE: No problem. Say hi to Lacey.
LUKE: Will do. (Exits.)
ANNA: Soyou think they're gonna take the plunge?
SUE: You mean get married? I hope so. I love Lacey.
SARAH: Me, too. But how does she put up with him?
SUE: What do you mean?
BECKY: What do you mean, what do you mean? You've been telling Luke
stories since he was an infant. He's a legend!
SUE: I know, right? How many infants do you know who could trash
their cribs?
BECKY: Remember his finger painting masterpiece?
SUE: Oh my God, don't remind me!
ANNA: What?
BECKY: How old was he, Sue?
SUE: Maybe 11 months.
SARAH: He was finger painting before he was one?
SUE: Yep. Well, technically, it was hand painting.
BECKY: He just reached into his diaper, grabbed a handful of poop, and
created the most beautiful abstract art on the wall.
ANNA: Disgusting.
SUE: Yes it was.
BECKY: (Snorts.) And you've been cleaning up his crap ever since.
SUE: Just until he moved out! Which was, by the way, the best day
ever!
SARAH: Oh, really? Better than your wedding day? Or the birth of
your children
SUE: I refuse to answer on the grounds that I may incriminate myself.
SARAH: You mean on the grounds that you don't want to.
SUE: Same thing. Hey, give me a break here. Was I wrong to be happy
that he moved out? He was so damn discombobulated.
BECKY: I love that word.
SARAH: And he still is!
SUE: No, he's not. He's way better.
SARAH: He's exactly the same. Right, Anna?
ANNA: As far as I know. That is, unless there's been a new world
order.
SARAH: Highly unlikely.
SUE: I think that Lacey has been a good influence on him. She's
amazing.
BECKY: Well, his shirt was on right. (Laughing.) Remember when he
used to wear his t-shirts inside out?
ANNA: When was that?
SUE: In high school. He was so lazy he'd grab a shirt out of the
dirty laundry basket. (Beat.) It was more convenient than his
dresser.
BECKY: Sometimes they'd be inside out and backwards.
SUE: You'd think the tag would irritate his chin.
ANNA: You let him go to school that way?
SUE: Oh. It's my fault.
BECKY: Of course, it's your fault, Sue. But Lacey must be doing a
good job dressing him because his shirt looked right-side out.
(Beat.) I wonder if she's writing his papers for him, too.
SUE: Shut up. (Beat.) Better her than me. Wait. Do Dental students
even have to write papers?
ANNA: Hell if I know. At any rate, I'll bet they're engaged by
Christmas.
SARAH: I'd love that.
SUE: Me, too!
ANNA: But if they do get married, I will not be the Matron of Honor.
I'm done with speeches.
Anna's cell phone rings. She answers it.
ANNA: Hello. (Listens.) No, Kara. You cannot go to Kelly's house
tonight. Sunday is a school night. Did you finish your math homework?
(Listens.) Yes, you do have math homework. I saw it in your folder.
(Listens.) No, you cannot do it on the bus. (Listens.) Because I said
so. (Listens.) Why didn't you ask Dad if you could go to Kelly's?
(Listens.) Oh. You did and he told you no, so you called me. Kara, if
your Dad tells you "no" the answer is no. You cannot go shopping
around for a better answer. Now, get to work on that homework.
I'll be home in five minutes. Goodbye.
SUE: (To Becky) Don't you miss those days?
BECKY: Yeah. Like I miss a yeast infection.
Bob rushes in with duct tape hanging from his teeth like he was trying
to rip it.
SUE: Scissors are in the top drawer to the left of the sink.
Bob grunts and exits.
ANNA: (To Sarah.) Take my advice. Get your tubes tied.
SUE: Don't you dare! Kids are great!
ANNA: That's easy for you to say now that you're an empty nester.
SUE: Knock on wood.
SARAH: Hey! What does that mean?
SUE: (Laughing.) Just kidding. I've had a few false starts on
empty nesting. (Beat.) Anna, as past president of the HPA, you will
survive this.
ANNA: HPA?
SUE: Helicopter Parents Anonymous.
SARAH: You're making this up.
BECKY: No, she's not. I was also a member. Hello. My name is
Becky. I'm a Helicopter Parent.
SUE: Hi Becky. (Cracking up) Those meetings were great.
Bob runs through with scissors.
SUE: Don't run with scissors.
Bob slows down.
ANNA: Oh yeah? Where were they held?
SUE: What?
ANNA: The meetings. The Helicopter meetings.
BECKY: We alternated locations.
SUE: Between here and Becky's.
SARAH: I'll bet wine was involved.
SUE: How else could we drown our sorrows?
BECKY: I promise you, there is nothing you are facing with your girls
that your mom or I didn't deal with. Over and over again.
ANNA: Refusing to do homework.
SUE:/BECKY: Yep.
ANNA: Lying.
SUE:/BECKY: Yep.
ANNA: Being complete slobs.
SUE:/BECKY: Yep.
ANNA: Armed robbery.
SUE: What?
ANNA: Wanted to see if you were listening.
SUE: (To Sarah.) Don't let anyone talk you out of having kids.
SARAH: Dale and I have been married for about 24 hours. We are going
to wait at least a few more days before starting a family.
BECKY: Speaking of Dale, where is he?
SARAH: Outside with Dad. Strapping stuff to the car. I have no idea
where he got all those bungee cords.
SUE: Hall closet.
Sue and Becky look out the window.
BECKY: Kind of reminds me of the Beverly Hillbillies moving to
Hollywood.
SUE: Yeah! They just need to put a rocking chair on the top.
SARAH: Wait! I forgot my bean bag chair. (Exits to get bean bag
chair.)
SUE: Hope it fits.
ANNA: I better go. I've got an HPA meeting to attend.
BECKY: You go, girl!
SUE: Bye, Hon.
Sarah runs through with bean bag chair and exits. Anna and Sue hug.
Anna exits.
BECKY: So, you're finally an empty nester.
SUE: Not yet. They haven't left the driveway. I wasn't kidding
when I said, knock on wood.
BECKY: What do you mean?
SUE: This is like the fifth time I thought I was an empty nester. The
first time was when Luke went to college, and then Anna moved home for
grad school. Then Anna moved away and Sarah moved back for Law
school. Then Luke graduated and moved back home when Sarah finished
Law School. He finally moved away and Sarah moved back to plan the
wedding. I'm raising a house full of boomerangs.
BECKY: Maybe the 5th time's the charm.
SUE: One can hope. Am I bad for feeling this way?
BECKY: Hell, no. I'm counting the days.
SUE: Thanks, Becks. Makes me feel better.
BECKY: 284.
SUE: What?
BECKY: 284 days until Kyle leaves for college.
Sarah sticks her head back in the room.
SARAH: Come say goodbye.
SUE: Coming. (To Becky) This is it!
Sue exits. Becky stands in the doorway looking out.
BECKY: Bye, Sarah. Later, Dale! Love you guys! Drive safely!
Becky picks up some wrapping paper and puts it into a trash bag.
Pours a glass of wine and takes a seat. Bob and Sue return.
SUE: And they're off.
[End of Extract]