America's Next Top Bottom by Ronald Spencer
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ACT 1
The house and pre-show lights go out simultaneously in a single beat.
We hear "You Wanna Be On Top? Bottom?" (a remix of the America's
Next Top Model theme song, "You Wanna Be On Top?" with the words
"Bottom" or "On bottom?" added). (The following is optional)
Video shots of all the auditionees appear randomly on the cyclorama
and, once they establish, flip to head shots. Occasionally, we stop
for an audio/visual interview with one of the contestants and a
spokesperson. At the conclusion of the presentation, the wall is
covered with faces, which fade out as our show logo materializes on
the screen and an announcer's voice-over is heard:
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and ladies, gentlemen and
gentlemen, tops and bottoms, aggressives and submissives, innies and
outieswelcome to America's Next Top Bottom…with your host Tyra
Skanks!
Tyra enters, all sparkle and smiles but all business too.
Tyra: Good evening and…
(cutting her off)
Announcer: And her co-host…
Tyra: Co-host?! What the…
Announcer: Janice Dicklessone!
Janice enters, all sparkle and smiles, a drug induced confidence about
her. Tyra is furious and speechless. She is joined center stage by
Janice. They have a stare-down moment. Finally Janice turns to the
audience and says)
Janice: Good evening.
Tyra: It was!
Janice: Your ratings were off the charts. The bottom of the charts. So
they brought me in to…
(cutting her off, overlapping, reading from a monitor)
Tyra: Welcome to America's Next Top Bottom. Over the past six weeks,
thousands of contestants have bent over(there is a glitch on the
tele-prompter)...over…
Janice: backward to
Tyra: Bitch, I can read!...to prove that they have what it takes to
take it all and assume the position of America's Next Top Bottom.
Janice: May I say something?
Tyra: No. Tonight our remaining ten semi-finalists will compete in
several categories. At the end of the evening nine boys will bottom
out and be sent packing. And we are not talking fudge here. We're
talking suitcase. And one very lucky and talented contestant will be
crowned America's Next Top Bottom.
Janice: First up, a combination challenge: Part One: Would You Know
Your Best Asset If You Saw It?
Tyra: And Part Two: our Bottom Spelling Bee! Where bottoms will be
asked to spell words such as (directly to Janice) ASS-i-nine!
Janice: And HORR-i-ble! (pronounced WHORE-i-ble to Tyra)
Tyra: During the second phase of our competition, our contestants will
appear on stage as their personal favorite Famous Historic Bottom!
They will need to dress the part of that famous individual and be
prepared to demonstrate what exotic techniques made them memorable!
Janice: Not just cock-hungry wanna-bes but bottoms of true historic
proportion!
Tyra: It could be anyone! Even J. Edgar Hoover, who apparently had his
own private FBI ten most "wanted" list!
Janice: He made quite a name for himself sticking his nose in other
people's businessand was more than willing to let them return
the favor!!!
Tyra: Ultimately it was his mouth that got him in trouble.
Janice: Well, with a name like Hoover?
Tyra: No one is spared. Not even Honest Abe Lincoln. We know his log
wasn't the only one in the cabin! Be honest Abe! What you were up to
when you weren't busy freeing the slaves?
Janice: (To Tyra) By the way, congratulations.
Tyra: Our third competition finds our contestants in teams composing
their very own personal ads. Craig's List or Manhunt? You decide! In
60 words or less, they need to sell us on their stuff! You'll vote
for your favorites and the team with the most points wins this
challenge! For viewers in Florida, results may vary.
Janice: Their personal ad could be something as simple as "Here I
lie, broken hearted, cheeks intact, still un-parted!"
Tyra: Or as straightforward as, "If you're the rugged outdoor
type, into rock climbing, have I got twin peaks for you!"
Janice: Or as challenging as, "Come to MySpace and Twitter with my
Yahoo 'til I Google all over your Facebook!"
Tyra: Or as revealing as, "Pillow biter seeks reason to live! Then
on to round four, where our bottoms come under the high-definition
scrutiny of our Sony Eriksson Video/DVD recorder which retails for
under fifteen hundred dollars at better electronics outlets
everywhere!
Janice: Lenses, carrying case, tri-pod mount and accessories sold
separately. Batteries not included.
Tyra: There goes your sex life! They will be filming a personal demo
exercise and dance video. With a special surprise guest choreographer!
Janice: And will they be surprised when they learn who it is! (a quick
beat) Who is it?
Tyra: At the conclusion of tonight's competition…and we have saved
the best for last!... Contestants will be asked to physically
demonstrate the many emotional ups and downs one must be ready,
willing and able to endure to truly be America's Next Top Bottom!
Janice: Then it will be time to eliminate seven "they wish they were
sore" losers! The bottoms at the bottom of the heap who will not
become America's Next Top Bottom!
Tyra: From the remaining three, we will select our winner. And now,
we'll introduce you to this evening's eager bottoms and get right
into the competition. I'm really itching to see who'll get it in
the end!
Janice: They make a cream for that.
Tyra: (To Janice, swiping the corner of her mouth with her thumb)) Is
that where you got that smelly lip gloss!? And now let's meet our
competitors. Our very first Top Bottom wanna-be hails from Boise.
I-da-ho, that is!
Janice: Tell us something we don't know!
Tyra: He is 23 years old and enjoys beef jerky, gymnastics and scrotal
torture. Please welcomeJames Eckerty. Hi James. How long have you
been bottoming?
James: Ever since middle school. I was our first male cheerleader. I
had way too much fun in the locker room!
Tyra: You got an early start!
James: And haven't stopped since!
Tyra: You eager little butt beaver! They say experience is the best
teacher! What have you learned from all this?
James: (James does a back flip and sinks onto an imaginary penis.) I
love it.
Tyra: That's it? Well, let's hope your bottoming skills make us
flip over you! Thanks James.
Janice: William Andrews. Hello there. And there's so much of you
there! William is originally from Bangor, Maine is 33 years old and is
into poetry, kittens and…being fisted! Are you sure you want to go
through with this?
William: Absolutely.
Janice: How long have you been sado-masochistic?
William: What?
Janice: Let me rephrase the question. How long have you been stupid?
William: I got straight A's all through school.
Janice: I'd ask you to show me your report card but I bet you ate
it! I'm lovin' me some William!
Tyra: Let's bring out bottom number three, Jason Poorboy, from
Coweta, Oklahoma. He is a 25 year old bottom and enjoys yodeling,
meditation and extreme bondage. Do you remember your first time
bottoming?
Jason: I do.
Tyra: And you went back for more!
Jason: I did.
Tyra: Can you tell us why?
Jason: I couldn't get enough. I mean, when some hot butch guy grabs
me, shoves me onto a bed, ties me up, flips me over and starts eating
out…
Tyra: (Cutting him off.) Honey, you may look classy but you're a
born car wreck. You love being rear-ended! End of story. Good luck
Jason!
Janice: Our next bottom Howard Hill, calls Milwaukee,Wisconsin home,
is 31 years old and enjoys rock collecting, the WWE and singing first
soprano in the men's chorus. Join me in welcomingHoward Hill.
Good evening, Howie. May I call you, Howie?
Howie: Sure.
Janice: I would anyway. Always a bottomnever a top?
Howie: Not always. I'm about 80% bottom…20% top.
Janice: Why is that, do you think?
Howie: I like to top, once in a while. Something different. You know,
change it up.
Janice: Right. Honey, just because you sit on it doesn't make you a
top! Let's hear it for Howie Hill.
Tyra: It's time to meet Doug Messinger. He is 28 years old, from
Tiffin, Ohio and pillows, rubber sheets and cooking oil are what he
most enjoys. Reallyhigh?
Doug: Hi.
Tyra: No, I mean you look like you're high. Have you ever bottomed
under the influence of any drug?
Doug: Will I be arrested if I say "yes"? (Tyra shakes her head
"no".) Then "yes", I have.
Tyra: Did it enhance your enjoyment and, if so, in what way?
Doug: It was incredible. I nearly passed out when I orgasmed.
Tyra: Do you know where I can get some of that?
Doug: Maybe. But it'll cost you.
Tyra: (makes a loud buzzer sound) Wrong answer Doug! Move along. Next!
Move, move, move!
Janice: Number seven. You are Robert Kingery. You hail from Tulip,
Tennessee, are 23 years old and you enjoy Jeopardy, spending time with
your Mom and piss play. Do you remember your most exciting experience
being topped?
Robert: Yeah. Because it was absolutely the best.
Janice: And is that who you're with currently?
Robert: No, I've been with hundreds of guys since then.
Janice: Whore! Well, start shopping for Mr. Right, Honey. Its all
downhill after twenty-one! I'm just kidding, Robert. Someone's
poking fun at you for a change. Thanks for being a good… (she
can't find the word)...whatever. (It comes to her.) Sport!
Tyra: Now welcome Dannon Crews. Come on out! Like that didn't
happen decades ago! Dannon hails from Union, Missouri and refused to
tell us how old he is. He enjoys finger painting, dumpster trolling
and the Boys Scouts of America.
Dannon: Hi Tyra.
Tyra: You have a name like that yogurt. I just know you're totally
fruity and I bet you taste good and go down easy, too! How does it
feel being the oldest contestant in America's Next Top Bottom? Is
the Activia keeping you active?
Dannon: I think my experience qualifies me as the Top Bottom.
Tyra: Oh, Baby, just because you're old doesn't mean you're the
best. Ask Janice, she'll tell you. (pause) As soon as she puts in
her teeth!
Janice: I'll be speaking again right after you. I'll need those
back!
Tyra: Dannon…you are old. You have some healthy competition. But I
have a feeling you can take it all, if you want it bad enough! Good
luck.
Janice: Welcome London Parker. From Sedona, Arizona. Thirty-one years
old. Is into Sudoku, nipple clamps and bird watching. London Parker.
What is up with that fucking name? If Hyde's your middle name I'll
kill myself!
London: It's not. I alwways liked the name London. It's
different.
Janice: So are you! I get kind of a rough and tumble vibe from you.
Are you into that stuff?
London: I can be.
Janice: I wanna hit you just for the hell of it! Thanks, London.
Tyra: David Smith. David hails from South Bend, Indiana is 26 years
old and likes bible study, macaroni and cheese and crystal meth.
You're my kinda chic, baby! Is that your natural hair color?
David: Definitely not.
Tyra: You're so pale! You look like a little gay vampire! Are you
intrigued by Goth and all that?
David: Not really. I just have my own sense of style.
Tyra: Uh-huh. Whatever the hell you're into, you're a freaky
little fucker! David, everyone!
Janice: Our final contestant is DeAndre Jackson. (The only black
contestant.) And here you are at the back of the bus! He is 20 years
old. Home is Burbank, California and he enjoys tether ball, douching
and the clapper. Would you consider yourself tight? And I don't mean
cheap, we both know you're Section 8. I mean, anally fit?
[end of extract]
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