Agatha Crispie by Cenarth Fox
CHARACTERS
AGATHA - middle-aged wealthy woman with a passion for writing
mystery-stories
ARCHIBALD - wealthy middle-aged second husband of Agatha, quarrying
interests, no tact
ELVIRA - daughter of Archibald, selfish, rude, social-climber, snob
LAVINIA - Archibald's elderly mother, lazy, selfish, rude, snob
PIMMS - Agatha's middle-aged/elderly maid, speaks her mind, enjoys a
tipple
MISS DOROTHY S. LAYERS - middle-aged reporter
MISS MARY MEAD - middle-aged spinster
SIR HENRY DITHERING - senior possibly retired police-officer from
Scotland Yard
HERCULE GREY-CELLS - retired, middle-aged/elderly former Belgian
police officer
CHIEF INSPECTOR SAP - middle-aged police officer, methodical and dim
Four of the roles can be doubled - DITHERING and SAP and LAYERS is
AGATHA.
ACT ONE
Curtain rises on the library
AGATHA is UL writing her latest opus
It's not long after WW1 on a sunny July day near the village of West
Macott in southern England
AGATHA (Speaking as she writes) “Oh no, Inspector, I'm ... sure ... it
... was .. weed-killer.” (Stops writing, shakes head) Too obvious.
(Heads RC) Must be exotic. (Studies books RC) Now, with my pharmacy
work (Spots her quarry) Ah, poisons. (She removes book and reads)
arsenic ... cyanide ... warfarin ...
LAVINIA (Gruff, insistent from offstage) Agatha!
AGATHA (Ignores interruption) ricin strychnine hemlock
LAVINIA (Stick banged on door) Agatha!
AGATHA (Annoyed, restrains her anger. Calls) The door is open.
LAVINIA (Never say die) Unlock this door immediately!
(More hefty whack/s. Shaking head, AGATHA replaces book and moves to
door. The handle is downstage and the door opens inwards. AGATHA opens
door easily and is restrained)
AGATHA Abracadabra.
(LAVINIA enters leaning on walking-stick. She ignores AGATHA and
heads DR. AGATHA ignores her mother-in-law, closes the door and
returns to her desk)
LAVINIA (Stops DR) My chair has been moved.
(AGATHA ignores LAVINIA. LAVINIA annoyed, bangs her stick on floor
then sits)
AGATHA (Not quite rude) I'll thank you to not strike my furniture.
LAVINIA (Incensed but holds it back - just) Your furniture!? This is
my son's house.
AGATHA Furnished with funds from my first marriage.
LAVINIA (Contemptuous aside) Divorcee!
AGATHA (Contemptuous aside) Witch!
LAVINIA I am the senior Mrs Walloman and my status entitles me to
respect; something I find singularly lacking in this house.
AGATHA (Gives as good as she gets) Oh there's plenty of respect,
mother-in-law. Respect for furniture, silence, privacy and (Louder)
the right to work.
LAVINIA (Almost hisses out front) Women do not work!
AGATHA But haven't you heard? Queen Victoria's dead. A wife is no
longer a possession!
(AGATHA returns to her writing. LAVINIA quietly fumes then reaches
for small bell on side table. She rings bell. Pause. Annoyed, she rings it again)
AGATHA (From upstage) Pimms has excellent hearing.
(To spite AGATHA, LAVINIA again rings the bell. LC door opens, PIMMS
enters. Her black dress and white apron are neither spotless, starched or straight)
PIMMS (Almost bored) You rang?
LAVINIA (Never looking at PIMMS) Tea.
PIMMS Tea? Wot's wrong wiv sherry?
LAVINIA (Outraged) How dare you! Fetch my tea!
PIMMS (Disappointed, PIMMS starts exiting, muttering) Silly old bat.
(AGATHA stops PIMMS)
AGATHA Oh Pimms, I'd like a sherry.
(PIMMS turns, smiles and comes alive. LAVINIA grimaces with rage)
PIMMS (Almost happy) Certainly madam.
AGATHA And pour yourself a glass.
PIMMS (Wrinkle-spreading smile) Most kind, madam. (Exiting) Gawd bless
you.
(PIMMS exits closing door. LAVINIA, vindictive, speaks indirectly to AGATHA)
LAVINIA That woman is rude, forgetful, ignorant and frequently
intoxicated. (Pause. Snaps) Did you hear me? (Louder) Agatha!
AGATHA (Looks up, pretends not to have heard a thing) I'm sorry. Did
you say something?
LAVINIA I'll have Archibald dismiss her.
AGATHA (Angry) You'll do no such thing. Pimms has served my family for
generations.
LAVINIA She's a drunk!
AGATHA I am responsible for staff.
LAVINIA (Snaps) Then be responsible instead of writing those
ridiculous stories.
AGATHA (Sudden sarcasm, mock pleasure) Mother-in-law, you've
actually read my humble prose?
LAVINIA A wife should manage her household and care for her husband.
AGATHA Ah, the needlepoint and flower arranging; (LAVINIA stiffens)
Well I'm sorry Missus Walloman, but I happen to enjoy creating murder
mysteries.
LAVINIA And using your former married name is a slur upon my son.
AGATHA But as Agatha Crispie, I can never sully his good name. After
all, I do write ridiculous stories.
(Immediately LC door opens and ELVIRA enters. She closes the door)
AGATHA She is spoilt, snobbish and a younger version of her grandmother.
AGATHA returns to her desk)
ELVIRA (Rude) Where's my mail?
LAVINIA (Relieved) Elvira! Dear child. (Extends her hands)
ELVIRA (Crosses to LAVINIA, cool but polite greeting) Good morning, Grandmother.
LAVINIA (Accepts sterile kiss) How nice that somebody bothers to dress
in this house.
ELVIRA (Retreats to settee) I am expecting two important invitations.
LAVINIA Oh how exciting. Do tell.
ELVIRA I can't without my mail.
AGATHA (Still writing) Pimms will have your mail.
LAVINIA (Deriding AGATHA) She's writing her latest novel.
ELVIRA (Sarcastic) Really? How thrilling.
LAVINIA (Enjoying spite) Of course real writers are actually
published.
(Noises offstage)
(They clam up as door opens. PIMMS enters pushing trolley)
PIMMS (Fussing with cup) Now that's tea for the old Missus
Walloman.
LAVINIA (Stony-faced, out front) Coffee.
PIMMS (Stops fussing. Sure she's right and says so) Coffee!? You said tea.
LAVINIA (Furious) How dare you correct me! Fetch my coffee!
ELVIRA (Equally rude) And mine! Now!
(PIMMS looks at them. They stare front. PIMMS shakes her head in
disgust)
PIMMS They say it runs in the family. (PIMMS takes glass of sherry UL)
Your sherry, madam.
AGATHA (Stops writing) How kind. (Sips) Oh Pimms, I'm having trouble
with the poison. (LAVINIA clears throat. Hint, hint) Weed-killer's too obvious.
Any ideas?
ELVIRA (Out front) We're waiting for our coffee.
AGATHA (To them) Coffee? You ordered tea.
LAVINIA Well I've changed my mind that is permitted I presume?
AGATHA Of course. I'm always changing my mind when writing
mysteries.
ELVIRA (Frustration rising) Look, I'm waiting for my mail.
AGATHA Pimms, kindly bring the mail with the coffee.
PIMMS (Starts to exit) Certainly, madam.
AGATHA Oh and Pimms. (PIMMS stops) This is excellent sherry.
PIMMS (Smiles and opens the door) Fank you, madam.
(PIMMS pushes trolley towards door as ARCHIE enters reading
newspaper. He just avoids colliding with trolley. Little damage is done but ARCHIE
is most upset)
ARCHIE What the devil!
PIMMS (Bringing trolley to a halt) Oi! Mind m'trolley!
ARCHIE (Brushing his clothes, incensed) Good lord, man, watch where
you're going! (In a huff, heads DL to his chair and sits) Fellow's not
safe in his own home.
LAVINIA (Almost human) Good morning, Archibald.
(ARCHIE sits, unfolds paper, reads.
PIMMS just about to close the door)
ARCHIE What? Oh, yes, good morning, Mother. (From behind paper) And
Simms. (sic) I want some tea.
PIMMS (Suddenly brighter) Lovely; got a pot right 'ere.
LAVINIA (Nasty) Fresh tea.
PIMMS (LAVINIA won't budge. PIMMS relents, mimics LAVINIA as she
exits) Fresh tea.
(PIMMS exits closing door)
ELVIRA (Attacks) Father, get rid of that unbearable woman.
LAVINIA Now, immediately.
ARCHIE Yes, all right. The problem is she came with (Nodding to
indicate AGATHA) you know who; part of the furniture.
LAVINIA You change furniture.
ARCHIE (Changing subject) Blast! There's nothing about me in the
paper.
ELVIRA She can't even fetch the mail.
ARCHIE What? (Realises) Ah, mail. (Producing letter) Something for
you, Elvira.
ELVIRA (Furious, storming to her father) Oh really. There is no
etiquette in this house. (Snatching letter) No etiquette!
(With mail she returns to settee. ARCHIE retires behind his paper.
ELVIRA sits and opens her mail. The envelope has already been slit. She reads)
AGATHA (Calling from desk) Any mail for me, dear? (ARCHIE silent
behind paper. Pause. Louder) Archie?
ARCHIE (Annoyed, lowers paper) What?
AGATHA My mail?
ARCHIE Ah, yes. (Produces envelope. AGATHA moves to him. ARCHIE reads
envelope) Some London publisher - Headley Bod.
(AGATHA is not happy with this public announcement. She extends a
hand for the letter which ARCHIE transfers to his downstage hand)
ARCHIE Now about this writing nonsense.
AGATHA (With hand extended) My letter, if you please.
ARCHIE Murder mysteries interfere with menu-planning and flower-arranging.
(AGATHA quietly angry about to say something when ELVIRA shrieks)
ELVIRA (Emotional) Oh my sainted aunt! (OTHERS stop. ELVIRA gushes)
LAVINIA (Distressed) Elvira! What is it?
ELVIRA (Almost overcome) Countess Kossaroff.
OTHERS (Very impressed) Countess Kossaroff!
ELVIRA (Thrilled) She's invited me!
LAVINIA (Thrilled) At last, a social triumph.
ARCHIE The aristocracy!
ELVIRA Countess Kossaroff has contacts with ... (Breathless) the
Palace!
OTHERS (Even AGATHA) The Palace?!
ELVIRA Last year, at the Savoy, I danced with a chap who danced with a
girl who danced with the Prince of ... (Pause. ELVIRA is gushing. OTHERS expectant)
Sardinia!
ARCHIE (Impressed) I say!
LAVINIA (Thrilled) How simply marvellous!
AGATHA (Down to earth) I'm sorry. I don't see the connection.
(ARCHIE, ELVIRA and LAVINIA look annoyed at AGATHA. Fool)
ELVIRA Oh really, step-mother! Countess Kossaroff's good friend, Lady
Eileen Bumble, organised the hunt ball last year, and her son rides to
hounds with an old Etonian whose good friend knows (Gradually louder
and faster) the brother of the cousin of the neighbour of the chum of
the parson of the banker of the captain of the club of the chap I danced with
at the Savoy. How simple is that?
AGATHA Of course. (To ARCHIE) Now Archibald, my letter if you please.
(ARCHIE hands letter to AGATHA. She opens it and reads. OTHERS
chat)
ELVIRA I'll need a new gown, Father.
ARCHIE Naturally.
ELVIRA And travel in a lavish new motor vehicle.
LAVINIA It'll be in all the right papers; The Times and The Telegraph.
(Slight lull. OTHERS note AGATHA reading. They stop gushing, turn to
AGATHA. Suddenly she notices their stares and joins the conversation)
AGATHA (To ELVIRA) Countess Kossaroff you say?
ARCHIE (Blunt as usual) From a publisher, Agatha? An offer, perhaps?
AGATHA (Offended but dignified) That's my business.
LAVINIA (Smug sarcasm) It couldn't possibly be another rejection?
AGATHA It's a private matter. Now if you'll excuse me.
(She exits LC without a fuss. LAVINIA is angry and attacks)
LAVINIA Archibald, your wife is a laughing-stock.
ELVIRA (Equally annoyed, waving invitation) She could ruin my social
life.
ARCHIE Yes, I know, it's affecting me too. I attend functions alone
because my wife is off researching her latest novel.
LAVINIA And that maid is beyond belief.
FX (Knock at door)
ARCHIE (Annoyed. Calling) Wait!
ELVIRA I can't have gentlemen calling with a stupid stepmother and a
moronic maid!
FX (Another knock at door)
ARCHIE (Angry, loud) I said “Wait”!
ELVIRA You must do something, Father.
ARCHIE Yes, all right.
LAVINIA You should have stopped this ludicrous writing years ago.
ELVIRA You should never have married her.
ARCHIE (Upset) I say, Elvira, That's a bit strong.
LAVINIA I agree with Elvira.
ARCHIE (Offended) Mother!
LAVINIA Well are you master in your own house?
ARCHIE (Loud and defiant) Of course I am.
LAVINIA (Just as loud) Then prove it. Stop Agatha Crispie's pathetic
writing and make her take charge of daffodils and dinner-parties.
ELVIRA And sack the appalling Pimms!
ARCHIE Yes, all right. You've made your point.
LAVINIA (Reaching for bell) Now!
(LAVINIA rings her bell. Door opens and PIMMS enters with trolley)
ARCHIE (All fired up) Ah, Simms. Where's my coffee?
PIMMS (Pained) Coffee? You ordered tea.
LAVINIA (Fuming) And she dares to correct her employer.
ARCHIE Well somebody ordered coffee.
ELVIRA (Sarcastic) Oh it's here, is it? Finally!
LAVINIA Just serve it.
PIMMS I can't. It's gone cold.
OTHERS Cold!
PIMMS I was kept waitin' by some geezer yelling (Imitates ARCHIBALD)
“Wait!”
ARCHIE (Incensed) Some geezer!
PIMMS (Exiting with trolley) You lot wanna make up y'mind.
(She exits and closes the door. OTHERS struck dumb. LAVINIA breaks
the silence)
LAVINIA (Almost apoplexy) The unmitigated gall of the woman.
ELVIRA Imagine a gentleman caller being served by that. (Stands, flustered, almost
in tears) If Countess Kossaroff knew my position, I'd be ruined. Do you hear? Ruined!
(In tears, she runs from room. ARCHIE shocked. LAVINIA continues the
attack)
LAVINIA I told you that woman was no good.
ARCHIE But I never met the maid before the marriage.
LAVINIA (Exasperated) Not Pimms, Agatha - the woman who claims to be
your wife and a writer and is hopeless at both.
ARCHIE (Trying to play it down) Yes, all right, mother.
LAVINIA I left my home in Belgravia and for what? My friends are in
London. I could never invite them here. I'm criticised by your
insensitive wife and I can't even get a decent cup of tea.
ARCHIE But I thought you ordered coffee.
LAVINIA (Explodes) Who cares! My life here is a complete disaster!
ARCHIE Mother, I'll take care of Simms.
LAVINIA (Screams, bangs her stick) It's Pimms! Her name is Pimms!
(Door opens and PIMMS enters)
PIMMS (Puffing, indignant) Oh what is it this time?
LAVINIA How dare you enter without permission.
PIMMS You called me. Pimms you roared. (Imitates LAVINIA) Pimms!
LAVINIA This is too much. Archibald, do something.
ARCHIE Now see here, Pimms. (At last) Where's my coffee?
PIMMS I was bringin' y'tea when madam started bellowin'. (LAVINIA
seeths) An' there's a problem with a mouse in the kitchen.
(LAVINIA shows disgust. ARCHIE'S annoyed)
ARCHIE Forget the damn mice! Just fetch my coffee!
PIMMS You're 'avin' tea. (Exiting, aside) The coffee's for the
battle-axe.
(LAVINIA seethes, PIMMS exits)
ARCHIE That woman has to go.
LAVINIA (Finally he understands) At last. Be a man. (She rises, heads
LC) As a child, Archibald, you were painfully slow. Not the brightest.
(ARCHIE opens door for her. What can he say after this cruel barb?
LAVINIA taps floor and ARCHIE opens door) Do something.
(She exits and ARCHIE closes the door. He's alone. Things are not
going well. His daughter, mother and maid all treat him with scant regard. His
wife does her own thing. He decides to assert his authority. He strides to back
of settee and rehearses his speech to AGATHA)
ARCHIE Agatha, I've made some important decisions. No, be quiet. You
will do exactly as I say. First, the grossly incompetent Pimms must
go. (Holds up hand to stop being interrupted) Wait! There's more.
(He moves DR and looks out French windows) This writing charade must
stop. (Door opens and PIMMS enters quietly pushing trolley. Once
inside, she turns and softly closes the door) I am a prominent
businessman who is fast becoming a laughing-stock over your childish
attempts at becoming another ... June Austen.
PIMMS (Fiddling at trolley) Jane Austen.
ARCHIE (Furious, spins around) And don't interrupt!
(Thrown when he sees smiling PIMMS. She has pot or cup in one hand)
PIMMS Shall I be mother?
ARCHIE (Angry) Just pour the damn thing and get out.
(He angrily opens French windows and exits to garden)
FX Summer sounds of birds
(PIMMS moves to check if alone. Satisfied, she moves UR and removes
a bottle from bookshelf. She swigs, maybe twice. ARCHIE re-enters.
PIMMS faces upstage in panic. ARCHIE closes windows, - FX STOP - sees
PIMMS)
ARCHIE (Annoyed) I told you to get out.
(Facing upstage, PIMMS replaces bottle then turns with book in hand)
PIMMS Just returning a book ... (She replaces the book. Starts to exit) ... on spirits.
ARCHIE Out!
PIMMS Scottish spirits. And y'trolley's on the tea. (sic) (Exiting)
ARCHIE (Calling) And I don't want to be disturbed.
PIMMS (Calling) Very good, sir. (Closes door then reopens it) I'll tell the reporter you're
not in.
(PIMMS closes door immediately leaving ARCHIE stunned)
ARCHIE Reporter! (Calling, moves to door) Wait! Pimms! (Louder) Pimms!
(ARCHIE reaches door and pulls it open to reveal a patiently waiting PIMMS)
PIMMS You roared, sir?
(ARCHIE drags her into the room and closes the door. He's worried)
ARCHIE What reporter?
PIMMS Just arrived to interview the tycoon what owns the huge quarry in Cornwall.
ARCHIE (Anxiety turns to relief to joy) But that's me. I'm the tycoon. (Moves DC) At last,
recognition and fame.
PIMMS Says 'er name is Dorothy S. Layers an' she works for Lord Peter Fancy.
ARCHIE (Very impressed) I say! (To PIMMS) Well show her in, man, show her in.
PIMMS (Exiting) Okay, but it's your funeral.
ARCHIE (Calls) And I'm not to be disturbed by anyone, especially my
wife.
PIMMS (Tapping nose) No visitors.
(She exits closing door. ARCHIE is in spin, muttering. He looks around, plumps
settee cushions)
FX Knock at door
ARCHIE (ARCHIE straightens, moves DC. Pompous voice) Enter.
(Door opens. PIMMS enters, makes posh announcement)
PIMMS Miss Dorothy S. Layers.
(LAYERS enters quickly extending a gloved hand. She has a very
plummy voice, bright wig and wears a hat, light coat, spectacles and carries a large
note-pad and a pencil. PIMMS exits and closes the door)
LAYERS (Crossing to ARCHIE extending a hand) Mr. Walloman. How awfully
kind of you to see me. (She gives a horsy laugh and they have a weak handshake)
ARCHIE Not at all. I'm always delighted to assist the press, especially one so charming.
(He kisses her hand. Horsy laugh from LAYERS)
LAYERS When I was asked to interview you, I thought it was just one of Lord Peter's whimsies.
(Horsy laugh. Looks around) Oh what a delightful room.
ARCHIE Thank you. Shall we begin?
LAYERS (Looks around. Softer) First I have a question about security.
ARCHIE (Alarmed) Security?
LAYERS Shhh!
ARCHIE (Whispering) Are we in danger?
LAYERS Newspaper barons admire you, sir.
ARCHIE (Luxuriating in this flattery) Well, naturally
LAYERS Your opinions are highly regarded.
ARCHIE (Mock modesty) What can I say?
LAYERS So would it be possible to close the curtains?
ARCHIE (Shocked) Close the curtains!?
LAYERS But turn on the light, of course.
ARCHIE Of course. (ARCHIE to French windows) Allow me.
LAYERS (Rising) Perhaps I could attend to the light. Where is the switch?
ARCHIE (Closing curtains. Lights dim) Over by the door.
LAYERS Jolly good.
(She goes to switch LC, room lights come up when she flicks switch.
Curtains are closed. LIGHTING has changed. LAYERS returns to sit on the settee
and produces her pad and pencil)
ARCHIE May I offer you a drink?
LAYERS (Ignores his offer) Now about your latest venture in Cornwall.
ARCHIE (Joining her, boasting) Oh, another of my spectacular successes.
LAYERS (Scribbling) Spec ... tac .. ular .. successes. And what of your future plans?
ARCHIE I'll make the shareholders a fortune.
LAYERS (Scribbling) Shareholders ... fortune. Gosh, this is a scoop.
ARCHIE (Changes tack) I say, have we met before?
LAYERS Hardly; I'd surely remember such an important person.
ARCHIE (Lapping it up) True, true. I've never been interviewed by a female reporter; or
by such an attractive one. (Moving slightly closer)
LAYERS (Moving slightly away) So, Mr. Walloman, do you think a woman should have
a career?
ARCHIE Oh absolutely. Why my wife is the well-known mystery-writer, Agatha Crispie.
LAYERS I say. And which one of her mysteries is your favourite?
ARCHIE (Stumped) Oh, ah
LAYERS Just one of her mysteries.
ARCHIE (Recovers) I'm more a Times and Telegraph tycoon ... (smiles) ... which means I
could certainly help you and your career.
(LAYERS smiles, rises and moves examining décor near door)
LAYERS I do love this room. Such exquisite taste; (ARCHIE purrs) quite rare in a man.
ARCHIE (Bursting with ego) One does one's best.
LAYERS (Studies painting as she places notepad etc. on mantlepiece) This is beautiful.
(She turns/points RC) And so is that.
(ARCHIE looks RC
Suddenly a total BLACKOUT
LAYERS gives a choked scream then heads to settee)
ARCHIE Damn. Something's wrong with the light. Just stay where you
are, Miss Layers. I'll fix it. (In darkness, ARCHIE moves LC and feels
for the light-switch) Some kind of electrical fault. (He searches for switch)
Here it is. That's funny. It's turned off. Well here we go.
(Suddenly lights up
ARCHIE is delighted)
ARCHIE Now then. (Turns smiling but instantly ARCHIE nearly dies) Miss Layers?
(Louder) Miss Layers!
(He moves to settee where LAYERS lies motionless on her back one
hand clutching handle of knife buried in her chest)
ARCHIE My god! What's happened? Help! (Louder to LC) Help! (Back to LAYERS)
Come along, Miss. We haven't discussed my golf handicap. (Panics) Help!
PIMMS (Enters) You panicked, sir.
ARCHIE Come in, come in and close the door.
(PIMMS comes into the room and closes door)
PIMMS (Suspicious) Oi, what's 'appenin' wiv the lights?
ARCHIE Over here! (PIMMS moves) There' something wrong with this woman.
PIMMS (Looks without emotion) Well she 'as got a knife in 'er chest.
ARCHIE (Despairing) She has?
PIMMS And a stocking round 'er 'froat.
ARCHIE (Praying he's right) It's the latest fashion.
PIMMS Funny about the clothes-peg on 'er nose.
ARCHIE (Looks and despairs) Funny?
PIMMS And a pocketful of rye.
ARCHIE (Going to jelly) But what does it mean?
PIMMS She's dead.
ARCHIE (Shocked) Dead!? Are you sure?
PIMMS Well if she's alive, liquor has never passed my lips.
ARCHIE We were discussing my career when the lights went out and ...
(despairing) Oh no! There's a body in the library!