Square - A Stage Pornography by Kenneth Morgan
This Play is the copyright of the Author and may not be performed, copied or sold without the Author's prior consent
No curtain - as the audience enters, the lights are already on
revealing the living room of an apartment which is a study in male
slobbery. Unwashed dishes in the sink, sweat socks and other items of
clothing piled here and there, a set of weights, empty pizza cartons,
perhaps a poster on the wall of a big rhinoceros with the caption
"Horny", also on the walls maybe some Playboy or Penthouse
As the house lights dim, there is the sound of a cell phone
announcing a text message, and Thomas Pankratz enters and closes the
door behind him. He is 27 years old, dressed in sweatpants over a
pair of athletic shorts, sweatshirt, tennis shoes and socks, maybe
with a baseball cap.
Thomas reads the text message on his cell phone.
THOMAS: Murph! You dog! (He grins, and dials a number. At the
door, there is a soft knocking, which Thomas initially doesn't
(As phone is answered.) Yeah, she's got a pair of tits! Damn near
poked my eyes out. She needs to put some hazard lights on those
things; they're dangerous when she comes around a corner. (He
listens to a barely audible voice on the phone, but there is that soft
knocking at the door. Thomas is puzzled; did he hear that? He
continues on the phone.)
Yeah, that's our Georgia. (Voice) Hey, every hunter dreams of
nailing a trophy with a big rack that can be stuffed and mounted!
(The knocking continues, again, he's not sure if he heard it.)
Anyway, Murph. I just got back. You there now? Look over by the
keg; is there a girl there, brown hair, tight blue jeans, utterly
spankable ass? (Voice) That's Mary Wellhoefer.
JOHDELL: (From outside the door.) Hello?
THOMAS: (Again, not sure if he heard that.) She's from Carptown,
Rosyln knows her from someplace. (Voice) I dunno, she looks fuckable
enough, you know Rosyln's friends. (Voice) No, that's Jodie;
she's the one I told you about. (Voice) Blowjob? Jodie? She once
sucked the chrome off the bumper of my car!
JOHDELL: That's gross!
THOMAS: Huh? (Knocking) Murph, I think I have somebody at the door.
JOHDELL: Yes, hello!
THOMAS: I do have somebody at the door. (Voice) I dunno, sounds
like some chick. (Voice) Not a clue, I left early, I have that game
tomorrow, listen, you gonna be there for awhile? Check out that Mary
chick, maybe she can hang with us next week. (Voice, Thomas laughs.)
Yeah, she hangs 'cause we're hung! And if her ass is a little
fat, the more the cushion, the more the pushin'! (Voice) I'll
call you back, I wanna find out.
(Insistent knocking and the latch is tried; as Thomas hangs up the
phone, it opens and in walks Johdell Lovelien, also 27. Johdell is
dressed fashionably, big black purse slung over her shoulder. She
wears glasses, and her hair is done sensibly. She looks like the
young professional she is. She closes the door behind her, turns and
JOHDELL: Isn't it supposed to be the bigger the cushion, the
better the pushin'?
THOMAS: Johdell Lovelien?
JOHDELL: Thomas Pankratz.
JOHDELL: Thomas. I'm surprised. You know my name.
THOMAS: Of course I know your name.
JOHDELL: You've never once addressed me by my name, so I
couldn't have known that, right? Anyway, it's time to talk.
JOHDELL: Talk. The foundation of oral communication. It's the
next step beyond grunt. But with the word "oral" in it, I'm
sure you'll have your own lewd twist on the definition.
THOMAS: Talk? You and me?
JOHDELL: It'll be in English.
THOMAS: Of course it'll be inwhy you would want to talk to me?
JOHDELL: It has to do with your behavior at Roslyn's party just
THOMAS: What about it?
JOHDELL: What about it?
THOMAS: Yes, what about it?
JOHDELL: Could it possibly have been more obnoxious?
THOMAS: I dunno. I can try harder.
JOHDELL: Ok, maybe it was a mistake coming here, but I still need to
ask if you knew that Roslyn is very sensitive about certain things.
Sensitive? New word for you?
THOMAS: Oh, come on, she's known us for ages. She wouldn't
invite us if she didn't know what we're like.
JOHDELL: And what are you like?
THOMAS: Like I like what I like and why would you want to know?
JOHDELL: Because I was really bothered by something you did at the
party. Really, really bothered, as in bothered because it's not the
first time it happened.
THOMAS: What? What did I do?
JOHDELL: What didn't you do? Between you and your friends it's
hard to say who acts worse, but as the alpha male of your pack, I'll
give you the booby prize.
THOMAS: I've always prized boobies.
JOHDELL: This is going to be more difficult than I thought. Can we
make a deal? If I directly ask you something, you'll directly
THOMAS: Are you like, looking for an apology or something?
JOHDELL: Far too much to ask. An explanation.
THOMAS: What's to explain?
JOHDELL: I'll be happy to tell you, if I can have your patience
and your attention.
THOMAS: To get me to apologize for something?
JOHDELL: Like I said, I'm not going to ask you to apologize.
We'll go over certain things, and then I'm going to ask you a
question. One little question. Something that's bothered me for so
long. Something I need to know.
THOMAS: Ah. Like any female, you want me to "meet your needs?"
JOHDELL: And by attention, your undivided attention. If only for a
THOMAS: Ok. Ok, sure. What do you need to know?
JOHDELL: I'll cheerfully tell you, but first, indulge me as we
review a brief history of Thomas Pankratz and his jock friends.
We'll start in high school.
THOMAS: When dinosaurs walked the earth!
JOHDELL: In English class, with Mrs. Kapitz.
THOMAS: A dinosaur! She walked the earth!
JOHDELL: She was reading from MACBETH. And came to the line where
Lady Macbeth urges her husband to "screw his courage to the sticking
JOHDELL: You immediately blurted out that it would only have been
sticky after the screwing.
THOMAS: (Chuckles) Oh yeah. I got sent down to Mr. Koch's
office for that.
JOHDELL: Where, being a jock, you got off with a slap on the wrist.
THOMAS: It got a big laugh.
JOHDELL: It was sophomoric.
THOMAS: We were sophomores!
JOHDELL: And you excelled at the job.
THOMAS: Wow, that was thirteen years ago. This is what's
JOHDELL: It's not what's bothering me at all. As I asked, be
patient as I continue with another great Thomas moment.
THOMAS: Let me guess. That time in assembly when I announced we
were going to win the Homecoming game, and Mr. Koch said that I was
the one to win it!
JOHDELL: No, that time in the cafeteria when Carrie Poulas said she
wanted to be a nurse, and you announced that you had something for her
to nurse on. Wait! In your words (In lewd jock voice) "Hey baby,
you wanna be a nurse? You can start out by nursing on this!" (grabs
THOMAS: (Chuckles again) I remember her face.
JOHDELL: You embarrassed her in front of everybody. Totally
THOMAS: I'm a sinful man.
JOHDELL: Watching you at the party tonight, nothing's changed.
THOMAS: My talent demands an outlet.
JOHDELL: On somebody as naïve as Carrie was?
THOMAS: I'm the insensitive artist type.
JOHDELL: You're a boor!
THOMAS: It's all in fun.
JOHDELL: Fun! Fun! I'll tell you your fun! We went on a tour of
that submarine in Chicago.
THOMAS: When was this?
JOHDELL: Ninth grade.
THOMAS: Oh yeah. And you remember it?
JOHDELL: I remember the highlights. As we got on board, you turned
to Nancy Komoroski and asked her if she wanted to learn how to blow
THOMAS: She didn't get it
JOHDELL: You told Leslie Terens to polish your torpedo.
THOMAS: She asked me where my torpedo wasI didn't have a chance
to answer, damn, that was a missed opportunity
JOHDELL: You pointed to the propellers and asked Marcia Hein
THOMAS: The guide said they were the ship's screws, with a line
JOHDELL: You told Liz Luedtke to raise your periscope, then asked
Jeannette Touhey if she wanted to take the boat out and catch some
THOMAS: I must have been bored.
JOHDELL: Funny you should say that, because when Louise Ahlswede
said she was bored, you promptly stated you would be happy to do the
boring, followed by a good drilling! You were in rare form that day.
THOMAS: Nobody complained.
JOHDELL: They didn't know any better!
[end of extract]
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