Five Comedies, Five Love Stories - Short Plays by Tweed Harris

This Play is the copyright of the Author, and may not be performed, copied or sold without the Author's prior consent

FIVE COMEDIES, FIVE LOVE STORIES (SHORT PLAYS)

Cast size (eg M6, F2): rom M1,F2 to M3

A NEW SECRETARY

Cast:

MISS BRAHMS A secretary in her sixties

MR HARDWICKE An executive in his sixties

MISS PIKE A secretary in her early thirties

Stting - An office with a small outside waiting area

Time - Present

The setting is an office. Executive Chair behind desk, small chair in front and floor covered with files and folders and one large brown plant (badly in need of care). There is a small trolley for carrying packages in one corner. Outside this office is the small waiting area with a comfortable chair and, if practical, the secretary's desk.

HARD (Drops a file) Oh, fuck. (He bends to pick it up).

BRAHMS (Enters main office) You know, Mr. Hardwicke, you left the intercom on again. (She goes over and switches it off). You know when it's on because this red light shows up. (She demonstrates and switches it off). I'm just off to lunch, I should be back around 2.15.

HARD I wonder if you'd mind helping me put these things downstairs in storage before you go.

PIKE (Arrives in outer office, seeing no-one there she sits to wait).

HARD Take these too. (He leans over desk to put more on the chair at front and accidentally switches on intercom without noticing). (During the rest of this play PIKE reacts according to her own mind, which is probably dirty).

BRAHMS But Mr. Hardwicke I am late already for lunch.

HARD Oh, come on just take them down for me.

BRAHMS But Mr. Hardwicke..

HARD Come on Miss Brahms. Just this once.

BRAHMS You always say just this once and tomorrow you will ask again.

HARD It won't take five minutes.

BRAHMS Not for you. I know. But for me, it takes a little longer.

HARD Please. (He picks up a sheet of paper and a file and fumbles with the mechanism). Oh, put the damn thing in for me will you?

BRAHMS You're not going to put it in like that are you?

HARD Why, what's wrong?

BRAHMS Protection. You know how fussy I am about these things.

HARD Well have you got any?

BRAHMS (Sighs) I have some in my office. (She starts to leave but returns almost at once). Wait I gave you a new packet to put in your desk drawer just the other day. You haven't used them already have you?

HARD No, of course not. (He opens drawer and takes out a new packet of plastic sleeves). There , unopened. (There is a ripping sound as he tears the outer envelope). Now you take one out and put it on for me.

BRAHMS Why can't you put it on yourself?

HARD Oh, you do it so much better.

BRAHMS Maybe, but when I do it you always screw up your eyes and moan. You don't like the way I do it. (She roughly handles a sheet into a plastic sleeve). There.

HARD But I do so like to see way you do it.

BRAHMS Liar. As I said you always close your eyes.

HARD Well, are you going to take them down for me or not? (He gives her a polite peck on the cheek).

BRAHMS Oh, alright. You certainly know how to seduce a girl. Give me a hand on the desk. (She starts to remove files and place on a trolley).

HARD Careful, don't want to go lifting anything too heavy.

BRAHMS This heavy? You should see the bundle the last boss used to give me.

HARD You never spoke much about your previous positions. When I first suggested a place here you were, how shall I say, a little tight-lipped?

BRAHMS Yes, but you soon loosened me up with your small talk and your large .. (She mimes money).

HARD Well, you have definitely proved to be worth the effort and the extra money.

BRAHMS Does your wife know what you've been giving me lately?

HARD Why should she? This is our affair.

BRAHMS And what about your affair with the last little strumpet who was here? (She drops a file).

HARD Please. Miss Brahms, I've lost my concentration with all this chit chat. Let's just get on with it.

BRAHMS Right. I'll just get this thing up again (Lifts file she dropped. For a few minutes there are grunts and groans as they move heavy files and books to the trolley).

HARD (Indicates the file) This one might need a little greasing.(Rubs thumb and finger together to indicate money). Know what I mean?

BRAHMS Yes. I know. I've seen you do it before.

HARD See how thoughtful I am. Got this just for you (Indicates trolley) so as to save your back from too much strain.

BRAHMS My back or yours?

HARD Yours of course. You're the one who carries all the weight.

BRAHMS Yes, because you are top dog all the time. I'm just the underlay.

HARD You've done it again.

BRAHMS Done what?

HARD Mixed up your words.

BRAHMS Why, what did I say wrong?

HARD You said underlay and you meant underling.

BRAHMS (Defensive) Same thing.

HARD Not quite Miss Brahms, not quite.

BRAHMS Well, how much longer are you going to keep me here?

HARD Well, it would help me if you could just move that little thing. (Indicates pot plant).

BRAHMS That little thing is called.

HARD I know what it's called. Just move it a little to the left. (She does so with a little groan). No, back to the right (Another groan). Maybe it was alright in the middle.

BRAHMS That's where it usually is. I've never had it anywhere else.

HARD (Sits in his chair) I'm exhausted now.

BRAHMS And I've missed lunch again.

HARD (He starts to re-arrange things on his desk). Do you think we should just clear this desk and start all over again?

BRAHMS Why not? I've nothing better to do till the new girl gets here.

HARD OK. Let's get this over with quickly. (Looks at pot plant) I'm still not sure about that position.

BRAHMS Look, no matter what you do it will never get any better. It's drooped far too much.

HARD And I suppose you blame me for that.

BRAHMS Look, others get out in the fresh air now and then and liven themselves up. Yours never gets out of this office. No wonder it's always drooping.

HARD Should I get a new one?

BRAHMS Well, I suppose you could try a transplant.

HARD Mm, doesn't appeal to me.

BRAHMS Nor me really.

HARD (Desk is now tidy).Well, that just about does it. That should be enough for today. We'll have another go (Indicates tidying office) tomorrow. (He sits in his chair and rises again holding a rubber inflatable cushion). These damn rubber things are useless, throw it away.

BRAHMS Yes, yours is all soft again. Shall I give it a blow for you?

HARD I was thinking about that new delivery boy. He looks pretty strong. Wonder if he'd mind giving me the occasional blow when he pops in.

BRAHMS Somehow, I don't see him taking too kindly to putting that thing in his mouth.

HARD Oh, well perhaps the new secretary.

BRAHMS Wonder if the she's here yet. I'd better go check.

HARD I suppose she knows what type of business I run.

BRAHMS It says clearly on your letterhead, "John Thomas and Hardwicke, Solicitors."

HARD Yes. Thank you Miss Brahms for giving me a hand.

BRAHMS Sometimes I need two hands with you. (Picks up a load of files, enough to hide her face).

HARD (Squeezes one more file in between those held by Miss Brahms). Just a little more.

BRAHMS Oooh, you're a hard man Mr. Hardwicke. (She goes to outer office. PIKE coughs to announce her presence). Oh is that you Miss Pike? Please go in. I think he's ready for you, but a little worn out so don't be surprised if he seems a bit slow at first.

PIKE (Enters main office. Seductively) Hello, Mr Hardwick.

HARD Ah, so you're the new girl. Please sit down. (She sits with legs crosses in a provocative manner). Forgive me if I seem a little tired. It's been a really hard day.

PIKE Yes, I bet it has. Is it this hard for you every day?

HARD Well I guess it is now you mention it. . Now tell me about your positions.

PIKE Well, my favourite is doggy style.

(HARDWICKE jumps up, MISS BRAHMS drops the files and Blackout).

>>

LOVE? ALWAYS - A Short Play

Cast:

JENNY A young woman in her thirties

CHAS Jenny's ex-husband in his thirties

BRETT Jenny's current partner in his thirties

Setting - A street corner (can be front of curtain) and a living room

Time - Present

JENNY a young woman in her thirties is just about to step off the pavement to cross the road

CHAS, a young man in his thirties rushes up and grabs her by the arm

CHAS You still doing that Jen? I thought I'd cured you.

JENNY Chas. Where on earth did you come from?

CHAS Good question.

JENNY Now what does that mean?

CHAS Means I am not sure where I was, just strolling along and then I saw you about to jaywalk again.

JENNY Oh, come on Chas. You know me. I make sure the road is clear and then cross. I can't be bothered waiting for those silly green men.

CHAS Those silly green men are here to help save your life. Bit like me.

JENNY How are you going to save my life?

CHAS I just did, didn't I?

JENNY Hardly. There wasn't a car in sight.

CHAS Ah, but you never know what is waiting just round the corner.

JENNY True, but you do don't you?

CHAS What?

JENNY Well, I presume you are still doing carrot cards.

CHAS Tarot cards.

JENNY Whatever. Still writing horoscopes for Women's Day?

CHAS New idea.

JENNY New Idea? When did you join them?

CHAS No. I don't work for any magazine now. I have a new idea. I just meet people and tell them their fortune.

JENNY Oh, I see. Palm readings, crystal ball?

CHAS No, something quite different and very special.

JENNY Well, I'm sure you do it well. It was good to see you again Chas but I really have to get home.

CHAS Give Brett the good news.

JENNY What? What do you mean good news?

CHAS About the baby.

JENNY How.how did you know about that? Have you been following me? Really Chas, after our divorce I thought we agreed to leave each other in peace.

CHAS No, Jen, I have not been following you. I just saw you come from the clinic and I know how you always wanted a baby and then I looked in your eyes and I knew.

JENNY Chas, I am sure there are lots of people who believe in this fortune telling but I am not one of them. How did you know?

CHAS Well, let's just say a lucky guess.

JENNY Yes, like all your predictions.

CHAS How is Brett?

JENNY He's fine. I suppose you know that he has moved in with me now.

CHAS Yes, I know.

JENNY I'm sorry Chas. It was my house after all and there didn't seem any point..

CHAS ..any point in you being lonely there. I do understand and believe it or not I am very happy for you. Do you think you will get married?

JENNY We really couldn't afford it and didn't think it was important but when he knows about the baby well, maybe we will talk about it again.

CHAS Do it Jen. You love him very much

JENNY Yes, I do.

CHAS .and he loves you too.

JENNY Did you see that in my eyes too?

CHAS No, silly. But I know what you are like. No man could live with you and not be madly in love with you.

JENNY You did.

CHAS I was wrong, Jen, about many things. But about love? Never. With you it was love, always.

JENNY Love? What about.

CHAS Sssh. Let's not drag up a past we cannot change. I was foolish, that I admit, but I loved you, Jen, always will till the end.

JENNY Till the end? You are strange sometimes you know with your words..

CHAS Show me your palm.

JENNY Oh, come on Chas. I don't have time for this. I want to get home and ..

CHAS and tell Brett he is going to be a Daddy.

JENNY Yes. Be happy for me Chas. Please.

CHAS Oh, I am Jen, truly happy. Believe me. Now can I look at your palm?

JENNY Quick. (He takes her hand but is clearly not looking at her palm).

CHAS Beautiful.

JENNY My palm?

CHAS No. You, Jen. Still as beautiful as ever.

JENNY (Takes her hand away). I really should go.

CHAS Jen, the baby will be beautiful too and healthy and strong.

JENNY I suppose you also know what sex it is?

CHAS Yes. (She smirks) But don't worry I won't spoil the surprise. Marry him Jen and to hell with the money. That will not be a problem for you soon.

JENNY Oh. Am I going to win lotto?

CHAS No, but things will get much better for you, real soon.

JENNY (Joking) I suppose you have already lined up a new job for Brett at an enormous salary.

CHAS He has a job Jen.

JENNY Ah, now your fortune cookies have let you down. He lost his job three weeks ago.

CHAS Marry him Jen, have a good life and don't worry. Things will work out just fine. Now it is me who has to go. I have another appointment.

JENNY So this was an appointment?

CHAS For me Jen, yes. Goodbye. (He dashes off quickly)

JENNY Chas, where.. (But he is gone. She walks off as the lights come up on Brett, a young man in his thirties. He is on the phone in the living room).

BRETT Yes. I know. Just out of the blue. I can't wait to tell Jenny. ** Yes. I think I should too. We'll see. (Hangs up and heads for the kitchen. He returns with a can of coke when the phone rings again). Hello. ** No, she is not here right now. She shouldn't be long though. Can I take a message?** Just a sec. (Gets pad and pen) Right. Shoot. ** Got it. Can I tell her what this is about? I am her partner. ** Oh, thank you Mr.? ** Sorry. Doctor Blake. It was kind of you to call. You are sure there is no mistake about this? ** I'm sorry. I guess that was rude of me. Of course you are sure. I will get Jenny to call you as soon as possible. (He sits on settee pondering).

JENNY (Enters, takes off her coat and shoes and flops onto settee. She kisses Brett and at the same time places her hand on his crutch). Oooh, you are a clever boy.

BRETT Jenny, I have to tell you...

JENNY No. My turn first. I bet my news is a lot better than yours.

BRETT (Serious) Jenny maybe I should go first.

JENNY No. No. Me this time. (She settles back). Are you ready?

BRETT (Not at all excited) Yes, OK.

JENNY (She takes his hand and places it on her belly). I have a present for you there.

BRETT (Suddenly his mind has forgotten all about the phone calls) You? Us? (She nods. He presses his face to her belly. He is almost in tears). Oh, my angel. You did it. You did it.

JENNY Well, actually I think you did it.

BRETT WE did it. (He jumps out of his seat, too excited to sit still). WE did it. Oh, Jenny, I always wanted to, want to now, no have to now, no want to now, need to now. Oh Jenny (He sees coke, rips off ring pull goes down on his knees). Jenny, will you..

JENNY Yes. Yes.

BRETT Not fair. Let me finish. Will you marry me?

JENNY Yes, Brett, I will marry you. (He places ring pull on her finger and they kiss). Anyway Chas says I have to.

BRETT (Jumps up and sits next to her) Chas?

JENNY Yes.

BRETT Your Chas?

JENNY Well, my ex Chas. He said I should marry you, that we are going to have a healthy, happy baby, you will get, no he said you already had a job and we will come into some money. Still doing his fortune- telling. Crazy as ever.

BRETT Jenny, when did you see Chas?

JENNY Just now as I was leaving the clinic. He appeared from nowhere just to stop me jaywalking. Probably thinks he saved my life. He is a fool. Sometimes a sweet fool but still a fool.

BRETT (Very serious) Stop it Jenny.

JENNY What?

BRETT Please don't talk about Chas any more.

JENNY Oh, my poor baby. You are not still jealous are you. You know I love you. (She goes to kiss him).

BRETT (He takes her hands and holds them tight). Listen to me Jenny. I do have a job.

JENNY Oh, Brett. Where? When? Oh, my God, one of Chas' predictions has finally come true.

BRETT Jenny. Listen to me carefully. I had two phone calls. One to say that the job was mine just based on my CV. No interview. Meet the boss tomorrow.

JENNY (Excited) Oh, Brett.

BRETT Sssh. The other was from a Doctor Blake.

JENNY Chas's business partner?

BRETT Yes. You are to attend for a reading of Chas's will. (They just look at each other, Jenny trying to understand). Chas died a week ago.

(Jenny stares at Brett and then slowly she folds into his arms as the lights fade)

[end of extract]

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