1,2,3 and Action by Roger Cosgrove
JONI
Hey guys can you set us up. I think that's enough of that Act for
today. Lets skip the garden scene and go right to the last act, just
so we don't have to change the set. If we have time we will do the
garden scene later.
(Everyone exits to Actor's lounge and FINN and MASON enter, carrying a
coffee table, MASON'S clipboard is on top. FINN rolls the backdrop's
around backwards, while MASON is checking his clipboard and putting a
few items in place He puts an umbrella stand by the front door. Then
he brings in a tray with two teacups and a teapot.)
MASON
What are you doing, We are skipping the garden scene.
(He sets the tray on the coffee table.)
Here give me a hand.
(They put it back so the library scene shows, and finish anything else
on the set, that needs it, while they do say the next few lines.)
FINN
Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. My mind was elsewhere. Maybe
it's because Mom's in a bit of a grump today.
MASON
I never noticed. I thought she was her usual self.
FINN
Ha, you weren't the one delivering Pizza.
MASON
You know how she likes to have these plays perfect by opening night.
FINN
Don't I? There, I think we got it just right. We wouldn't want to get
fired.
MASON
Yes, I would miss my salary. Oh wait a minute, we don't get a salary.
FINN
Yes, but after all,
(does the ditto signs)
it looks good on a résumé.
(Both boys laugh)
MASON
We forgot the leather chair. I think it is still in the basement. Come
give me a hand it is a heavy brute.
(They exit. There is a light tapping at the Side Street door, then
LARRY sticks his head in and peeks about.)
LARRY
Good the theatre is empty. It looks pretty old. it probably never gets
used. We can hide out in here.
BOB
What about the ghosts?
LARRY
What are you talking about?
BOB
A lot of theatres have them. Like in The Phantom of the Opera. It's
one of my favourites. I have seen it several times. Have you ever
been?
LARRY
Oh, yes of course, I took my Mother and my Sunday School teacher just
last week. You know sometimes I worry about you Bob. You may be better
not to mention what you do in your spare time. At least not to the
crew we hang out with.
BOB
How long are we going to stay here?
LARRY
We will hide in here a few days until that cop from Canada gives up
looking for us.
BOB
(he plops down in the sofa chair)
Ya…It's disgusting. How they think they can just drop down into the
states from Canada and try to arrest us. Isn't that breaking the law?
It's not fair. Only crooks should be allowed to break the law.
LARRY
Yes…
(looks down at BOB with the “I give up look”)
I'll get the union working on that one right away.
It likely is against the law, but what are we going to do; report the
RCMP Constable to the FBI? We would be arrested in a flash. The law
down here take their jobs pretty serious. That's why I only commit
crimes in Canada.
(They look around a bit to make sure it is clear.)
BOB
You know Larry I am getting pretty tired of hiding from the law. It's
a lot of work. It would have been a lot easier to go get a job.
Sometimes I think I shouldn't have untied you from the park bench in
Waterton Lakes National Park, up in Canada. Remember the cops had you
tied up and they went to get their cruiser or something. After that
failure of a jewellery store robbery I could have taken off and just
went on to live a straight life… Man that was a long long time ago
and a long time being on the lam.
LARRY
Now Bob, you know you couldn't leave me there to get thrown back in
jail. It's an unwritten law us crooks live by. Well, don't tell
anyone we know in our circle of friends, but I am getting tired of it
too. But it's too late for us; it's the only thing we know. But if
we turned ourselves in now, we would in the slammer forever.
BOB
The last heist was more than I could handle. Being disguised as a
woman was pretty embarrassing. I don't know how we get caught in these
predicaments but I don't care if I do get caught, I am never ever
dressing up as a woman again.
LARRY
What's in this huge box?
(He opens it. And looks in)
Not a thing. It's empty.
BOB
That looks like a shipping label, on the end.
(approaches the end of the Magic Box)
It's from The Magician Warehouse. It says Magic Box. Saw a person
into two… or perform a disappearing act. Hmm… they must be doing a
Magic Show. I'm going to try it out.
(BOB climbs inside and sits down.)
LARRY
I'll cross my fingers.
BOB
I am still here. Maybe you have to close the lid for it to work. Close
the lid Larry.
(He lays down then pops back up.)
Don't forget to say Abracadabra or something like that.
(He lays down.)
LARRY
What a numbskull. These don't really work. You have to be double
jointed and then you just curl up in one end, so the saw misses you.
(He closes the lid on the box. BOB rolls through the wall, so LARRY
can get in after.)
FINN
(from backstage) Are you lifting your half, this is really heavy?
(LARRY is startled as he hears the stage crew)
LARRY
Someone's coming.
(He opens the lid.)
Move over.
(He climbs in and lowers lid as FINN and MASON enter)
MASON
I don't know why they have to have such a heavy chair. I am glad we
are done the heavy stuff until tomorrow when we have to help build the
back wall. At least the panels are all light.
(They set the leather chair down by the coffee table but close to the
other chair.)
FINN
Where is the wall going?
MASON
It will run from here; across to that wall in front of the backdrop.
That will hide all this stuff here. It's tough when you don't have
your own theatre. You put all the props up in one day, put on the play
and then whip them all down on closing night. It sure will be nice
when we get our own building.
(slouches in the leather chair)
FINN
What about that big box do we have to move it.
MASON
No, Mom says it belongs to a magician from a magic show last weekend.
He is picking it up today. It's a Magic Box where you saw a lady
into two.
FINN
Wow, how does it work?
MASON
There is nothing to it really.
(He gets up and approaches box and opens lid.)
I helped the magician bring it in one night while you were delivering
pizzas. First of all it has a false bottom. See that whole bottom is
just a really good picture, done in 3D, so it looks a lot deeper than
it really is. See, have a look. Measure with your arm how deep it is
on the outside.
FINN
(He puts his arm on the outside and marks it.)
It's my whole arm.
MASON
Now measure the inside.
FINN
(He puts his arm on the inside, just a few inches.)
Wow, that's amazing.
MASON
When you jump in…
(gesturing with his hands)
the false bottom opens up and you lay down on the floor. Now when
someone looks in they are just looking at the false bottom.
FINN
Let's try it out.
(He gets into the box then lays back. He quickly opens the lid and
climbs out.)
Maybe I don't weigh enough. That false bottom never opened up, so the
lid was right in my face. I can't stay in there. I think I have closet phobia.
MASON
That's claustrophobia. It's a fear of small spaces.
FINN
Ya… like a closet. Closet phobia. Remember when we were small you
locked me in the bedroom closet. I have hated anything enclosed like
that ever since.
MASON
Oh yeh… Well I didn't mean to lock you in so long. I was just going
downstairs to grab a sandwich and I meant to go back but up but then a
buddy phoned me up for a sleep-over. It's not my fault nobody knew you
were missing until the next morning.
FINN
Do you believe there is a ghost in this theatre. because when I laid
back in that box, I heard a moan.
MASON
Maybe some theatres, but I don't think this one. Not with Mom as
Director. The ghost wouldn't have a chance.
(They both laugh.)
FINN
(picks up a hand saw that is hanging on the coat hook next to the
Magic Box)
How does the saw work? It looks pretty long. That would go past the
false bottom.
MASON
Well, it only works if you have a skinny girl who is double jointed.
See the slot for the saw is actually a little closer to one end.
It's not really in the middle, but from the theatre you can hardly
tell. She climbs in and folds herself into the large end. Then you put
the saw in this groove and pretend you are sawing her in half, like
this.
(He slowly draws the saw back and forth and is having a bit of
trouble.)
You just don't go too fast, to make it look like you are really
cutting through her. Boy that was hard to work the saw today. It
seemed easier when the magician let me try it. Maybe it just needs
sharpening. (laughs)
FINN
That looked pretty realistic. Here let me try.
(He slowly draws the saw back and forth)
Abra…cadabra… and we saw the lady in half. Ha… Now we have
twins.
(FINN and MASON both laugh. FINN leaves the saw in the box.)
MASON
Well, we are all done here so let's go for pizza. We will put it on
Mom's account.
FINN
Ya..the pay maybe nada but the fringe benefits are worth it.
(They exit. The saw blade bounces a few times.)
(LIGHTS OUT END OF ACT I)
ACT II
AT RISE: JONI, RUTH, AND DEREK are on stage. They are all facing the
ladies' dressing room door.
JONI
Come on Wyatt. You have to help us out. The adjudicator could be here
any time.
WYATT
No, I have changed my mind. I don't want to play Rachael anymore. I
am going home.
JONI
We won't let any anyone else on the cast know. We will keep it a
secret. They will just think you are Suzette. You look just like her.
If they don't know you are a man, then there is nothing to be
embarrassed about. It will be fun to see who we can fool.
WYATT
We… as in me?
DEREK
That's a good idea Joni, then we know if our deception is working or
not. Now Wyatt, listen to Joni. She always knows what's best for us.
RUTH
(RUTH turns and stares at DEREK.)
Are we talking about our director Joni?
JONI
Think of Suzette; you wouldn't want to let your twin sister down.
WYATT
All right, but you have to promise not to laugh.
JONI
Okay, we won't laugh. Come out and we will try the next scene.
RUTH
Ya… we will look the other way.
(They look the other way. WYATT steps out of doorway and is fully
dressed as a woman. Everyone waits until any laughter from the
audience has died down.)
WYATT
Well…
(They all turn and RUTH and DEREK start to laugh.)
WYATT
You promised you wouldn't laugh.
RUTH
(trying not to laugh)
Not I. It was JONI that promised.
DEREK
Yah, but you know WYATT; you're really not a bad looking women. If I
didn't know better…
JONI
Well we are desperate Wyatt. And it's only because the adjudicator
was in town today for another play group at the Bijou and he decided
he would drop in to see the Powell Playhouse Theatre company while he
was in town.
WYATT
Yes, but I am not going to fool anybody in this getup. Can't we just
tell him that Suzette is sick?
JONI
Yes, lucky us. But if we want the patrons to come out we need the good
reviews in the paper. Besides if we can win this we could go on to the
state finals. There is a ten thousand dollar prize for the winning
theatre group. Why we could put that in our new theatre fund.
WYATT
All right But I am only doing this for my sister.
JONI
That's the spirit. Let's get started. Let's continue from where
Rachael has returned to the estate and is going over the details of a
party with Mr. Harrison. Places everyone.
(They take up their positions. RUTH is standing at the door. DEREK is
sitting.)
1,2,3 a.. nd ACTION!
[end of extract]